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What should I have done?

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Sonofa, May 24, 2022.

  1. Sonofa

    Sonofa New Member

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    So to begin with, I went with a group of friends to a music festival. Girl 1, was cold so I let her borrow my kimono. However, the kimono was gifted to me by another girl in the group just a couple days ago, Girl 2. Girl 2 is getting married to my sister who is also in the group.

    I saw that Girl 1 was really happy with the kimono, and it looked like she wanted to keep it. This is where I got conflicted. On one hand I see someone who is happy with it and will probably enjoy it more than I do. On the other hand it was gifted to me. So I didn't say anything. Then on the last day, when we leave our hotel rooms she left the kimono back at the hotel, and I assume she left it there for me to take it back because she was the first person to leave.

    This is where things get heated, because Girl 2 finds it and I had already left without realizing that the kimono was there. Girl 2 seems to get mad at Girl 1 in group chat. So because I didn't want anyone to argue or feel bad, I try to explain to them why I didn't say anything and not ask for the kimono back. I apologize to both Girl 1 and Girl 2 for not asking for it back, and said I would pay for the shipping.

    I then deleted my texts because I felt anxious about whether or not my text would be received well, but I'm pretty sure everyone in the group already saw it. My sister then texts me and says that I am being too nice to Girl 1. She says that Girl 1 does this all the time because she is selfish and takes from people a lot, and she does it on purpose. She tells me there is no drama going on since they're best friends and tries to reassure me. But then she contradicts herself by saying that it got heated because Girl 2 gets a bit annoyed with Girl 1 sometimes. I told her that I just wanted good vibes. The question out of all of this is, was it wrong for me to not ask for it back, since it was a gift? Am I too nice? I am asking because it is making me anxious thinking about it.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
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  2. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That you are anxious is telling me that you regret the situation and potential conflict. It is a learning moment. When you are gifted something the person who gave it to you really has no claim on how you use it, though for something personal they would like to see you enjoy it. That much is obvious. Then for somebody you have let use it, the expectation is that it is your property and they should treat it appropriately and return it directly. From this, I do not see you as being too nice, but being too passive. Doing that, you did not make your boundaries clear. You had suppressed your agency in looking to ease somebody's discomfort. That is easy to do. Put this behind you and act appropriately in the future to make things clear to people about reasonable expectations.

    BTW, welcome.
     
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  3. Sonofa

    Sonofa New Member

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    Thank you so much. This is my first time asking for help and I feel much better after reading your response! I am glad that I posted here. Thank you!!
     
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  4. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You are welcome. I find most people here to be helpful.
     
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  5. Atrapa Almas

    Atrapa Almas 70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN V.I.P Member

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    I agree that is about being clear, not about being nice.

    -Hey Girl 1, I see that you may be feeling cold. I let you this kimono Girl 2 gave to me. Its very special for me, but you can use it this nigth.

    And the next day you ask for it if she forgets.

    By not making clear the importance of the Kimono and not making clear the duration of the service you are not being nice, but unclear.

    Girl 1 may be percieved like abussive by Girl 2 if girl 2 is more of asking permissions and Girl 1 is more of waiting untill the other part make clear their boundaries.

    In theory, as the Kimono is yours you can give it to another person (as @Gerald Wilgus said). But the theory is not good in practice. You can consider any gift to have a piece of the soul of the person who did the gift. So the use of your gifted thing must make sense with that piece of soul. In this case, letting the kimono to girl 1 was against the soul of the kimono, so it was a wrong deccision acording to NT stardarts.

    So anytime you recieve a gift from an NT it come with some non evident boundaries that you should respect to keep the giver happy.

    Welcome!:)
     
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  6. Stuttermabolur

    Stuttermabolur A psychologist said so

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    Ergh. I totally understand and relate to you. This situation would have made me really stressful as well, and I likely would have reacted the same way you did. I don't have any advice (the ones given above me seem pretty good) but just want you to know that I understand and hope any bad vibes won't last.
     
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