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What now?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by ItaHelena95, May 2, 2021.

  1. ItaHelena95

    ItaHelena95 New Member

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    Hello everyone.

    A few months ago I wrote in this group asking for advice.
    At the beginning of the year I started a relationship with a boy on the spectrum. He is the most loving, sweet and intelligent person I have ever met. It is the first time in my life that I fall in love. I have been on many dates with many guys, but I have never found any one as amazing as him.
    Our relationship ended because of a misunderstanding. When he felt overloaded, he tended to disappear for days without telling me anything and even though I knew something was wrong with him, I didn't know what or how to help. This started to create some tension because I also felt that the relationship was going too fast. I felt like I couldn´t control anything and did not know how to ask him to slow down without hurting his feelings. I really loved him.
    When he left me, I decided to write to him to apologize for everything and wish him that one day he finds someone who makes him happy, even if that person is not me (this trully broke my heart).
    For two months I have not heard from him again and I assumed he forgot me.
    I've tried to get over the breakup by focusing on my work and hanging out with friends. I've even tried dating, but I´m just not ready yet.
    This morning he wrote to me again. He thanked me for explaining everything to him. He told me that he is no longer angry and that I don't have to keep feeling guilty. He said that he is not prepared to have a relationship since he does not know how to open up to people and that is why he needs to wait.
    I do not know what to do. I never expected him to text me agian. I don't know if he expects something from me or if it´s just a goodbye. I think I want to try again, but this time I want to go slowly, at my own pace, that would also give him time to open up. But I don't know how to explain it without being insistent. I also don't know if it's a good idea or I should just let him go.
    Anyway, because of my job I will be unreacheble for two months (no internet conexion).
    I´m lost.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2021
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  2. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

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    He was clear. He is not ready for a relationship. That means he is not ready. You can ask him if he wants to continue to communicate. You must ask HIM these questions and when he answers you must accept what he says at face value. He is not double talking.
     
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  3. ItaHelena95

    ItaHelena95 New Member

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    The thing is, before we started, he was always complaining about not being able to find a girl who loved him. Well, here I am now, I didn´t plan to fall for him but thats what we get.
    Then he asked me to start a serious relationship. I had many many doubts but he insisted and I eventually realized I was in love so I thought: what the hell, lets do it. Now he changes his mind. Is very confusing.
    He thinks he is not ready because he is toxic, I don´t think he is, as I said, I was very happy. I don´t know if I should bring this up or just let him be and simply just don´t answer his message.
     
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  4. SimonSays

    SimonSays A work in progress V.I.P Member

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    All you can do is tell him how you feel and leave him to decide what, if anything, comes next.
    If you don't say something it will drive you nuts that you have something to say and don't say it. But if you do, you must not expect anything more from him. Let him go. You're not giving up, you're giving him space. He has to come to you.
     
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  5. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well here is a starting point for going back to him, confirm to him that you do not find him toxic. Here you may want to say some more about how you see him. But do what you can to kill/gainsay this lie in his head.
     
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  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    I feel bad. We all have imperfections. We all are little good and bad. Anyways, l hope you find some answer to this.
     
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  7. ItaHelena95

    ItaHelena95 New Member

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    Thank you all for all the answers. I really don´t know what I want right now.
    On one hand I could answer him, but I don´t want to overwhelm him. Last time, during the missundesrtanding, I caused him a meltdown (he broke with me at that point) and I really really don´t want to put him in that position again.
     
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  8. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

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    Just tell him how you feel and accept if he does not want to be with you. But he might! Tell him you love him and he may melt. But he may not. Keep us posted and I do wish you best of luck :)
     
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  9. ItaHelena95

    ItaHelena95 New Member

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    I will, although I´m not sure I will answer him. As you said at the bigining... He already made it clear, so what´s the point?
    Answering now will just probably put him in an uncomfortable position.
     
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  10. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    To me, since you love him, the only question needing answering is does he love you. The rest is just details.
     
  11. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Don't tell him he is toxic unless he bothers you again. You should stop communicating with him and look for someone who wants to build a serious relationship. Wishy-washy people who don't know what they want or are too socially anxious for commitment are not attractive for a committed relationship. You can do better.
     
  12. The Pandector

    The Pandector Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    While I may be off track, I really feel sorry for this guy you love. I know that many people, when mortified, just want to go invisible; the reality of the situation is overwhelming. Now factor in that he's autistic. How mortifying to meltdown in front of someone who really matters to you! Of course he wants to disappear.

    It is true that we need to accept and respect what people say. However, sometimes people trap themselves with words/decisions designed to self-protect, which is what it looks like to me. I find it promising that he contacted you again. That sounds like a concerned kindness, and a good start. And it's obvious that you care enough to see through to him.

    Question: Do you think you can live with such behavior in the long term? Should he someday grow comfortable with you, it's still doubtful that he will abandon such behavior in general. Autism is not a hurdle the autist just jumps over, it's him. If you can look at that and still want to try, then it seems to me you ought to tell him exactly that. And it may be that he will take months to absorb and adjust to whatever he hears from you.

    My NT wife loved me to her dying breath. What an unfathomable blessing to me that she was willing to work through the early uglies and the ongoing blizzard. Forty years. If it's true for you, then let this guy know that you loved him during and through that meltdown. It just may be exactly what he wants to hear, but fears it would be too good to be true. See if he'll let you prove it.
     
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  13. ItaHelena95

    ItaHelena95 New Member

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    I already know he is like that. I told him I know about his ASD and I just don´t care. It´s him, I like him just as he is. Okay, yes, he is differet in some aspects, but I like it. I like that he can talk ofr hours about the things he is passionate about and that he never sugar coat things... It´s different, but eventhough he want´s to change, I like it the way it is.
    But last time I told him he just said that I just pretend it doesnt exist. I just don´t know what else to do.
    Today I answered him and I´m afraid I screw again because I told him that we all are scared of opening to people, that it is terrifying for every human being and that it takes time. You can´t pretend to be completely open to someone in just two months.
    It´s like every time I´m trying to express myself with him I have mental diarrea.