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What now?

Desiree W

Well-Known Member
All these years of being misunderstood, not to mention failed relationships, trying to figure out why I can't relate to most people has made my life quite difficult. After finding out through online assessments (no official diagnosis due to financial issues) that I was on the spectrum about a month or so ago, I feel it was bittersweet. I'm glad I have knowledge of it, but at the same time I'm wondering where to go from here. I don't have the emotional energy to date right now. I'd really like to hear from others.
 
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Welcome Desiree. No problem identifying. Im useless at relationships. They fill me with abject fear and i dont have the energy either to negotiate the minefield.

I hope you are able to dind answers and support here!
 
Ok, I'm self-diagnosed at 53 only three months ago - I always had the open question of "why don't I fit in or work in relationships".

Now i have found my tribe. And I feel relief.

I started attending a local adult autistic support group and through this interaction I can see and experience the autistic traits in others, in myself, and distinguish the foundational coping mechanisms that I have in place.

Read on here, Ask questions, ignore the noise - focus on what applies to you and leverage that towards energy for yourself

Vitamin B12.
 
Live with it for awhile, find out more, you don't have to do anything with it. Give yourself some time to consider it all. Personally it was a relief, it explained so much. Now I know the 'why' of all the difficulties I've experienced. And in knowing and understanding, I have some peace finally.
 
All these years of being misunderstood, not to mention failed relationships, trying to figure out why I can't relate to most people has made my life quite difficult. After finding out through online assessments (no official diagnosis due to financial issues) that I was on the spectrum about a month or so ago, I feel it was bittersweet. I'm glad I have knowledge of it, but at the same time I'm wondering where to go from here. I don't have the emotional energy to date right now. I'd really like to hear from others.

It is definitely a bittersweet experience. It will take some time to heal from the trauma you've likely experienced in your life. Trauma is an accurate adjective and is not an exaggeration of what those with ASD experience before knowing and understanding their differences.

I wouldn't bother with seeking the official diagnosis. I took a test a couple of years ago and the results indicated I did not have autism although it is quite clear to me that I am on the spectrum. I suspect few professionals have an accurate understanding of ASD and they have no idea of what we've been through.

The biggest lesson I've learned is to not allow your past pain to ruin today. Easier said than done. I have to relearn this same lesson most days.
 
Live with it for awhile, find out more, you don't have to do anything with it. Give yourself some time to consider it all. Personally it was a relief, it explained so much. Now I know the 'why' of all the difficulties I've experienced. And in knowing and understanding, I have some peace finally.

What she said ^.

It's been so confusing for so long, and it felt like it was my fault, so finding out has been great. I'm still not comfortable with the label, but part of that I think, is the ridiculousness of labeling a human being - how can a word and a conceptt get close to the truth and complexity?

One thing it really helped with is the question; Why am I very good and this hard thing, but very poor at this easy thing?

I can learn complex stuff in half the time it takes many people, but I literally cannot do my own expenses and accounts.

I use to gaze in awe at the guys handing their accountants disorganized carrier bags full of receipts as that's a level of competence I can only dream of :D
 
There are plenty of self help things you can do. A general autism-centred self help book that I have is called 'Living Well on the Spectrum". And that covers a lot of subjects like time management and anxiety. You could also look at a sensory diet online to give you more energy through the day and make you feel better. There are also a lot of things on the internet which aren't focused on people with autism conditions but with general social skills development such as the art of communication and keeping a conversation going.

Just be creative with your problems and you can find ways to better cope with life. It is a gradual process, don't try to do too many things at once though.
 
There are plenty of self help things you can do. A general autism-centred self help book that I have is called 'Living Well on the Spectrum". And that covers a lot of subjects like time management and anxiety. You could also look at a sensory diet online to give you more energy through the day and make you feel better. There are also a lot of things on the internet which aren't focused on people with autism conditions but with general social skills development such as the art of communication and keeping a conversation going.

Just be creative with your problems and you can find ways to better cope with life. It is a gradual process, don't try to do too many things at once though.


I'll check that book out - thanks
 
maybe you have a special interest in something - a hobby or topic that always used to take your attention, maybe something you neglected for some years but could pick up now? for example, i started collecting photographs, i comment my thoughts them and post/repost them in a blog - since i suffer from depression and have done so to severe degree many years, i also did this and am still doing so to express my true self, since i surpressed myself for a long time - and that makes me feel much better and rebuilds what has been broken. i agree that it is not easy to keep away past pains - i actually cried a lot, when i realized how long i had been fighting myself. i don't know if this is a problem for you, but if it is, self-compassion can be helpful to make one feel well.

in addition i found it interesting and very enlightening to study psychology - to understand what i didn't understand - especially the terms theory of mind and mentalizing - which i practice, and which has helped me to relate better to others. also, i can recommend reading scientific papers by uta frith and simon baron-cohen on various topics in the spectrum for becoming more familiar with onself.
 
maybe you have a special interest in something - a hobby or topic that always used to take your attention, maybe something you neglected for some years but could pick up now?

Is it that easy for you then? I've been very solidified in my interests for a very long time. It wasn't until I started taking medication did my interest in computer games wane a bit and after some very hard times struggling with boredom did I find things I could also enjoy. It's still hard though.
 
Is it that easy for you then? I've been very solidified in my interests for a very long time. It wasn't until I started taking medication did my interest in computer games wane a bit and after some very hard times struggling with boredom did I find things I could also enjoy. It's still hard though.

[does this question relate to me ?] if it does: no, it's not that easy. usually i only have 1 and 1/2 interests and have had them since i was child, that is building things and arts - anything in any media/material. but it has to be self-affirmative, that's why i stick with it; and that makes taking up new interests easier.
> anything self-affirmative resulting in a feeling of more self-worth [= feel good] makes me obsessive and i can't stop. so if i find something potentially interesting - something that might work - i figure out a way to do it by which it stimmulates in a self-affirmative way; as for the photos: i like the photographed things, but that isn't enough for it work. situation is, that i am frustrated and bored. i am in need of action. how do i make it work so that i become obsessive? > add a self-worth-trigger to it.

a. i will obsess with my collection and praise myself - it is, [obviously^^] self-affirmative
b. i will obsess with finding the best of everything - it is self-affirmative
c. i will show my collection to others via blog, and be happy if it receives positive attention - it is self-affirmative d. it is a very personal interest and it is a way to express my inner feelings, since i am usually very quiet - it is self-affirmative for my inner self, which doesn't get much attention
e. expressing myself and receiving positive feedback is self-affirmative.
f. i feel like i am actually producing something, i can see what i produce - it is self-affirmative.
> i can think of some more, still. yet, i experience a lot of frustration when i can't trigger myself... so i know.
 
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[does this question relate to me ?] if it does: no, it's not that easy. usually i only have 1 and 1/2 interests and have had them since i was child, that is building things and arts - anything in any media/material. but it has to be self-affirmative, that's why i stick with it; and that makes taking up new interests easier.
> anything self-affirmative resulting in a feeling of more self-worth [= feel good] makes me obsessive and i can't stop. so if i find something potentially interesting - something that might work - i figure out a way to do it by which it stimmulates in a self-affirmative way; as for the photos: i like the photographed things, but that isn't enough for it work. situation is, that i am frustrated and bored. i am in need of action. how do i make it work so that i get become obsessive? > add a self-worth-trigger to it.

a. i will obsess with my collection and praise myself - it is, [obviously^^] self-affirmative
b. i will obsess with finding the best of everything - it is self-affirmative
c. i will show my collection to others via blog, and be happy if it receives positive attention - it is self-affirmative d. it is a very personal interest and it is a way to express my inner feelings, since i am usually very quiet - it is self-affirmative for my inner self, which doesn't get much attention
e. expressing myself and receiving positive feedback is self-affirmative.
f. i feel like i am actually producing something, i can see what i produce - it is self-affirmative.
> i can think of some more, still. yet, i experience a lot of frustration when i can't trigger myself... so i know.

And do you find it get in the ways of doing other important things, things you must do? That's my experience with my interests.

My interests shiny bright and vibrant colours in a world that exists in black and white.
 
I drink alot of green tea. Theres one available here in England called green tea "boost" wakes the brain up. Get plenty of fruit and cereal . take away food made me feel sluggish all the time
 
And do you find it get in the ways of doing other important things, things you must do? That's my experience with my interests.

My interests shiny bright and vibrant colours in a world that exists in black and white.

you like arts and colors then? i like expressive things, too - as i do not care much for social interaction as a way of spending my time i tend to compensate this by focusing on objects and their appearance.

and yes: it gets in the way of other important things i ought to be doing all the time. i really have problems to stop doing something i'm interested in - better: hooked to. on the days i work - as i do not have a certain time to be at the office - i get up at 8 but find myself stuck at home untill noon obsessed with something i encountered during breakfast. it is a problem i do not know how to deal with, yet. i have to start working fulltime in a few months - but even at work i get stuck to activities... i do one thing too much but precisely, but i forget to do somehting else i should have done, too. i can't manage my time or schedule, i'm terrible at organizing myself and knowing what to do next; i'm always roaming about aimlessly in search of stimmulus. im quite incapable of everyday office-life. how about you?

edit: first problem of all is: i have to use this self-affirmative concept to get moving at all; i'm always close to depression. in fact, it is compensating for lack of motivation - if there is nothing to gain in these self-affirmative terms [if i get critisized, for example], i shut down completely, become very frustrated - and then i won't move one tiny bit.
 
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Welcome Desiree. No problem identifying. Im useless at relationships. They fill me with abject fear and i dont have the energy either to negotiate the minefield.

I hope you are able to dind answers and support here!
Thank you. At least now I know why I've never really felt comfortable in romantic relationships. I felt like I was suffocating. Things would go well for a few months, then it would seem like I couldn't find much to say. I understand how you feel about not having the energy. I deleted one of my dating profiles the other day. Right now, I feel dating is pointless. Just wanna take a break and just make friends.
 
Ok, I'm self-diagnosed at 53 only three months ago - I always had the open question of "why don't I fit in or work in relationships".

Now i have found my tribe. And I feel relief.

I started attending a local adult autistic support group and through this interaction I can see and experience the autistic traits in others, in myself, and distinguish the foundational coping mechanisms that I have in place.

Read on here, Ask questions, ignore the noise - focus on what applies to you and leverage that towards energy for yourself

Vitamin B12.
Exactly how I feel. It was like an A-HA moment. Knowing is now a relief. At first though, it was very bittersweet. I was ok with it, then I started grieving the failed relationships and having other mental flashbacks in my head wishing I'd known sooner. I finally decided to stop grieving and realize why I behaved the way I did. i can even laugh now about the past. I'm eccentric and I'm ok.

I need to get involved with some support groups. I need to get out and meet others on the spectrum.
 
I'm glad I have knowledge of it, but at the same time I'm wondering where to go from here.

Well, your instincts are serving you well considering you wound up here. ;)

Welcome to AC. Where we are different, but not necessarily deficient.
 
I found the most helpful and feasible thing for me to do was to google for videos and blogs by/about adult female aspies - it was eye-opening and affirming. I now feel grounded in a way that I never have before - despite having all the same challenges ahead of me. I have a lot more compassion for myself, too.
 
I have a lot more compassion for myself, too.
This is how I feel. Understanding yourself and why you are who you are, even if no one else does at least you can be more compassionate with yourself. All the years of being angry and upset with myself because I was different, for not being able to cope with everyday social settings, not knowing how to talk to other people, for the selective mutism, for wanting to hide away or escape from social settings. I had someone apologise to me once and I had no idea how to respond. I just stammered a thank you and then googled it when I got home and then afterwards send them a text with what I thought would be an appropriate response. And this how I've learnt to communicate with others, usually in and effective way, by texting or emailing. I'm not good at face to face communication because everything is just internalised. I'm learning but my social skills are awful and I don't know how to respond when people say or do something unexpected. Like hugging or physical contact. I hate hugging but I don't how to tell people I don't want them to hug me. I just don't know how to respond so I just endure the hugs that I hate. But I guess to able to name it, to say this Asperger's, to say this is why. I can let go and accept myself for who I am, and work on area's that I need to and not feel guilty when I can't meet those standards. I've heard people say Aspergers is what affects you and it's not who you are. But I'm 32 and this has affected my life for so long, and I've just resently discovered the posibility of having Aspergers. I'm not sure if I can separate Aspergers from the person I am. I'm not sure if this will makes sense but I don't know where Aspergers ends and where I start. It has paralysed and control every aspect of my life and I didn't know or understand to be able to help myself. I feel like the Aspergers traites and me are just so fused together. So yes in a way it's something that happens to me but its also a part of who I am and something I can't escape. But at least I don't have to feel guilty or to be so hard on myself.
 

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