My AS fella is fairly vague on this one. He says he wants "respect".
I say--what can I DO that demonstrates "respect" to you?
His answer? "Not THIS!" (referring to arguing if that's what we're doing.)
Of course I respect him tremendously.
He is one of the smartest and most talented people I know, and is actually revered in his field as a musician and historian. I respect him as a man of honor and as a human being.
I support him completely, and am a serious cheerleader for any/all efforts, EXCEPT when it means I am no longer getting what I need in the relationship. Then we quarrel.
I THINK he means to let him do his own thing, support his efforts and interests, think of his well-being, and TALK with him. His love language is definitely Quality Time spent in conversation. It means not to question him. It means to TRUST him and his good intentions. (I do.)
Unfortunately, I suspect that it ALSO means that I am not to ask anything of him that would mean he'd have to step outside his natural comfort zone. He doesn't see the point of any of that, and if I say it's *only* because "it would make ME happy", if it doesn't fit with his idea of what he'd like, he doesn't see the point.
*sigh*
As for me, AS chick, I really like to be touched and petted, hugged and held hands by someone I love. But I do not like too much touchy-feely stuff with other people.
I like compliments, noticing that I did well/look nice/am kind/loved. I like affirmation, but I don't "need" it. I like it from people I love/respect.
I love eye contact with my Beloved. (Not so much with other people and I'm always a bit waffly about how much is "right".)
Sex too, is really important to me with My Beloved, especially when it comes with deep emotional intimacy. (And even if it doesn't.) I am not interested in hookups with people with whom I share no intimacy.
I like closeness, warmth, intimacy both emotional and physical--more with my man now than ever before. But not with everyone else. I reserve that for my special person.
I also like fun conversation, following flights of fancy, doing things of interest together. But that doesn't mean much without the eye contact and touch thrown in on a regular basis.
I like to be TRUSTED, because I am trustworthy.
I like my opinions and ideas and knowledge to be respected because I've worked hard to get here and I have learned a lot of stuff along the way.
(Sorry, had to come back and add to/edit this because I got interrupted.)
I like to be supported in following my dreams and achieving my goals because negativity sucks the life out of me.
I like to be acknowledged for all the things I do for my partner/for our shared reality.
To ME, being "loved" means that the person who professes to "Love" me actually KNOWS ME. They have my back in all things, but they tell me when I'm being unfair or making a big mistake--because they have MY best interests at heart.
I feel loved when my partner makes it his business to know what makes me feel loved, and then does those things.
My guy doesn't think birthdays and anniversaries are a big deal. After a lot of discussion, we must agree to disagree. We don't make a fuss over his birthday, because he doesn't like it. But my birthday is MY birthday, and he can't just ignore it because HE thinks it shouldn't be important. And so on with holidays, etc.
What says "I love you" to me is when someone LISTENS and RESPONDS. If I say I like hugs, they make an effort to hug me. If I say I like time alone, well, then, they make an effort to leave me alone---AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T NEGATIVELY AFFECT THE RELATIONSHIP TO THEIR DETRIMENT.
Effort.
Effort is sexy. The biggest turn-on there is.
Somebody makes an effort for me, thinks of me and goes out of their way?
That is THE most important way to say "I love you" to me.
I'm curious to read more other comments.
