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Featured What makes you feel loved?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by LucyPurrs, Dec 2, 2017.

  1. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT

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    Asked my suspected Aspie friend what makes him feel loved and his response was "no idea."
    Later he said he thinks for him it's feeling comfortable (with someone I guess). Can any of you on the spectrum help me to figure out some ways to help him feel loved? I have told I do love him and specifically, what I love about him, tried to be helpful by giving him what he needed and asked for and just generally sharing feelings and activities with him as far as permitted by a long distance relationship. But somehow I don't think he really can feel the depth of my caring and this saddens me.
     
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  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Sounds about right. Words alone don't convey feelings to me. Physical gestures on a regular basis mean far more to me than an occasional phrase that may or may not be easily parsed in real time under various conditions.

    Simple point. We're not necessarily at our best when it comes to the spoken word. Find other levels to communicate with us and you might be surprised- even shocked from time to time. Though timing is everything as well. But for mere friends this may not really apply. ;)
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2017
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  3. Ambi

    Ambi Well-Known Member

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    If you were more than just friends, I would suggest reading a summary of the 5 love languages for ideas of what might make him feel loved. But actually, it could still work for platonic relationships.
     
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  4. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    When the cats that live with me purr or bend their tails around me
    But it was just my mother and I
     
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  5. kay

    kay Well-Known Member

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    My boyfriend used to send me pictures of Brussels sprouts, not that I am suggesting you do exactly that. We used to send each other things that tended to interest us, or one of us, that other people wouldn't have ever thought about. And oddly things like Brussels sprouts and root veggies interest both of us on some weird level. It was how uniquely personal the thoughts were. Had he sent me roses I wouldn't have felt much. The Velveeta basket though really made me feel loved. Who gives anyone a Velveeta basket? Not a cliche at all. Anyhoo, that's just me, I'm odd even for an aspie.
     
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  6. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT

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    Thanks Judge, can you give me some specific examples of "physical gestures" and "other levels" of communication? Not rally sure what you are referring to here.
     
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  7. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT

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    Thanks Kay. He and I both like food so I send him stuff I've introduced him to which he's loved like a certain sauce and certain candy I know he likes. Also always get him something he's posted that he wants on Facebook rather than assuming what he wants except for one time sending him a t shirt with his favorite book on it which he says is his favorite shirt of all time. But I really don't know if these things mean anything to him- think they do but not sure what. I know what they would mean to an NT I think.
     
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  8. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT

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    Well, that's part of what got me thinking about learning his love language but I don't think he's ready for reading that yet. Hope he might be in the future. Thanks for your response- I will see how I might be able to use it in future.
     
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  9. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  10. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT

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    LOL, maybe I'll send him some and see if he feels loved XD.
     
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  11. SnailPie

    SnailPie Member

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    My AS fella is fairly vague on this one. He says he wants "respect".

    I say--what can I DO that demonstrates "respect" to you?
    His answer? "Not THIS!" (referring to arguing if that's what we're doing.)
    Of course I respect him tremendously.
    He is one of the smartest and most talented people I know, and is actually revered in his field as a musician and historian. I respect him as a man of honor and as a human being.
    I support him completely, and am a serious cheerleader for any/all efforts, EXCEPT when it means I am no longer getting what I need in the relationship. Then we quarrel.

    I THINK he means to let him do his own thing, support his efforts and interests, think of his well-being, and TALK with him. His love language is definitely Quality Time spent in conversation. It means not to question him. It means to TRUST him and his good intentions. (I do.)

    Unfortunately, I suspect that it ALSO means that I am not to ask anything of him that would mean he'd have to step outside his natural comfort zone. He doesn't see the point of any of that, and if I say it's *only* because "it would make ME happy", if it doesn't fit with his idea of what he'd like, he doesn't see the point.

    *sigh*
    As for me, AS chick, I really like to be touched and petted, hugged and held hands by someone I love. But I do not like too much touchy-feely stuff with other people.
    I like compliments, noticing that I did well/look nice/am kind/loved. I like affirmation, but I don't "need" it. I like it from people I love/respect.
    I love eye contact with my Beloved. (Not so much with other people and I'm always a bit waffly about how much is "right".)

    Sex too, is really important to me with My Beloved, especially when it comes with deep emotional intimacy. (And even if it doesn't.) I am not interested in hookups with people with whom I share no intimacy.
    I like closeness, warmth, intimacy both emotional and physical--more with my man now than ever before. But not with everyone else. I reserve that for my special person.
    I also like fun conversation, following flights of fancy, doing things of interest together. But that doesn't mean much without the eye contact and touch thrown in on a regular basis.

    I like to be TRUSTED, because I am trustworthy.

    I like my opinions and ideas and knowledge to be respected because I've worked hard to get here and I have learned a lot of stuff along the way.
    (Sorry, had to come back and add to/edit this because I got interrupted.)

    I like to be supported in following my dreams and achieving my goals because negativity sucks the life out of me.
    I like to be acknowledged for all the things I do for my partner/for our shared reality.

    To ME, being "loved" means that the person who professes to "Love" me actually KNOWS ME. They have my back in all things, but they tell me when I'm being unfair or making a big mistake--because they have MY best interests at heart.
    I feel loved when my partner makes it his business to know what makes me feel loved, and then does those things.

    My guy doesn't think birthdays and anniversaries are a big deal. After a lot of discussion, we must agree to disagree. We don't make a fuss over his birthday, because he doesn't like it. But my birthday is MY birthday, and he can't just ignore it because HE thinks it shouldn't be important. And so on with holidays, etc.

    What says "I love you" to me is when someone LISTENS and RESPONDS. If I say I like hugs, they make an effort to hug me. If I say I like time alone, well, then, they make an effort to leave me alone---AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T NEGATIVELY AFFECT THE RELATIONSHIP TO THEIR DETRIMENT.

    Effort.
    Effort is sexy.
    The biggest turn-on there is.
    Somebody makes an effort for me, thinks of me and goes out of their way?
    That is THE most important way to say "I love you" to me.


    I'm curious to read more other comments.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2017
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  12. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    That's something between you and him. Whatever it may be.

    For me one thing I've always remembered was walking hand in hand with a former g/f who was always rubbing her thumb against mine as we merrily walked down Montgomery Street in San Francisco. A minor tactile experience, but one that I personally cherished. Probably sounds corny to others, but there you have it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2017
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  13. SnailPie

    SnailPie Member

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    When any of my animal friends cozy up with me or give me affection/ask for affection, that makes me feel loved. Definitely!
    There is nothing like a chicken who curls her head into your shoulder as you stroke her feathers, a goat who rubs his head all over you because he's happy to see you, or a dog who spoons with you in bed at night, and settles in with a big sigh... because he's content knowing you're there.
    Yep. If it weren't for the critters, I would have lost it long ago.
     
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  14. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Unconditional love. No second guessing required. <sigh>
     
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  15. SnailPie

    SnailPie Member

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    For my Aspie guy--he likes when I PAY ATTENTION to the things he talks about; the things that interest him. He likes to be validated for who he is and what he does (although he may not admit it.)

    It really impressed him when I bothered to learn many aspects of his obsessional special interests. And now they are part of my interests as well. (More of a tangent, but still I can hold my own in a conversation with the best of them!) What works even better is that it's not a "pretend" thing on my part. I am genuinely interested in him and his inner life, and I know that shows.

    He is not much for physical displays of affection and says he doesn't need that, but he does it for ME, and that counts for so much.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2017
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  16. SnailPie

    SnailPie Member

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    Yeah... the unconditional love from animals is hard to beat. I've seen animals so horridly abused, yet they continue to solicit affection and attention from their humans.

    However, I believe that Adult Human Love IS conditional. In that we are NOT required to continue to love someone who does harm to us deliberately.

    I guess I'm funny that way. (Sarcasm.)
     
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  17. Mathalamus

    Mathalamus Emperor of the Mathalamus Empire V.I.P Member

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    i have no idea, it either tends to vary, or, nothing happened to make me feel loved.
     
  18. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Attention to detail.

    When someone takes the time and trouble to consider me (and my likes/dislikes) and comes up with a meal, or outing or such like that I actually enjoy. It's been tailored to me.
    (I'm not easily pleased)

    I appreciate the effort that goes into something like that.
     
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  19. kestrel

    kestrel Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Patience. Why? You and he must find out together what makes him feel loved.
    And part of it might be for him to be able to make you feel loved.
     
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  20. Flinty

    Flinty Off Indefinite Hiatus, I Guess V.I.P Member

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    I'll tell you when it happens with another human being, and I remember, if I'm still here. Otherwise, it's the rare friendly cat.