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What have you learned the hard way?

Squished Crab

Squished Crab

I squished it myself
V.I.P Member
I have struggled throughout my life with social situations, even family members. I am now in my 40's and finally understand the struggle was just my different interpretation of the world and people around me.

Along my journey I have found little methods and tricks to improve the quality and joy in my life. Why continue to figure life out the hard way?

I know what works for one person, won't work for all, but if you found a way to improve a part of your life, or the quality of your life in one area - would you consider sharing it in this post with your friends here?

Here are tips that have worked for me, and I want to share:

1) My opinion, eye contact has always been useless and unnecessary. However, when I was young, I was directed to make eye contact with people. The rules of eye contact were never clearly explained. So, I made eye contact with everyone, and if they weren't looking at me I would stare until they looked back at me. Then the eye contact issue was resolved and I could move on to the next person.

I wish my mother had said, "Eye contact is only necessary if you are engaged in a conversation with other person/people. If you are in a large room full of people, there is no need for direct eye contact-glance at a person and look away. Do not stare." Probably obvious to the rest of the world, but that was my literal interpretation

2) Find time to exercise, getting sweaty, a couple times a week. It improves both the mental and physical outlook.

Thank you for sharing!
 
Hmmmmmm. I'm trying to think of what I have ever learned "the easy way".

Nothing much comes to mind. ;)
 
That I'll probably never work beyond the voluntary sector, not for lack of trying though, despite the criticisms on Sheffield Forum and Facebook.
 
No one would have the time to read what I feel I would need to write here...

So my simple answer is everything. : )
 
I agree with the exercise @Squished Crab walking, cycling, and being outside is one of many activities that stops me from 'living in my head.' I often pull my spouse away from from his computer and guitar into the fresh air and light. Otherwise, he would stay there twenty-four seven. And I would as well.

Being polite and kind, has helped me through many instances of social interaction that could have gone quite badly, if I hadn't.
Recall and instance where I was in a store, and a woman with a shopping cart ran directly at me with it. She knocked me down, and I got up, while she stood there weirdly smiling as if she enjoyed doing it. I was quite angry, but I controlled my reaction, and waited, "You look like someone who beat me up once." She said. Then she began to cry and shake, a woman of sixty or so. I gave her some tissues and put my arm around her. "It wasn't me." I said.
'My husband died yesterday, she said. I want to tell someone, but there's no one to tell'. I lead her to a nearby cafe, and listened to her talk about her husband. All I did was listen. We became friends over time, and occasionally talk on the phone and say the true things that people don't usually say to one another. Friendships can be an odd thing.
 
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I'm still learning the hard way that I shouldn't always try to be nice. For example, my sister has a friend who lives in Liverpool who has come down this weekend with her girlfriend. They haven't really made much of an effort to see my sister, and today she has gone with them to a cat cafe (their idea, my sister was less than enthusiastic) and then she had thought they were all going back to hers for a takeaway and board games. It turns out that the couple had changed plans without telling her and were going for a meal (without sister). So I can see she's basically been ditched, invite her to ours for the evening which she is up for. Then they decide they will look at some shops before the meal, and ask her and she then essentially blows me off. I get that she wants to actually spend some time with them, but they already blew her off for other plans but then she does the same as soon as she has a better offer.

Having said that, I am used to being dropped for better plans by both my sister and many supposed friends over my life, so I shouldn't be so surprised. You'd think I would have learned by now ;)
 
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Being a nice, supportive person, and working hard and getting your job done are of no value if people don't like you. Everything will be taken the wrong way and whatever you do and say will offend people even if that is the exact opposite of what you intended. Nobody else will ever give you the benefit of the doubt, even if you spend most of your time giving others the benefit of the doubt.

As long as someone else is generally liked, that person will be able to break as many written rules as they want, while you will be frequently castigated for breaking unwritten rules, and nobody will think you are of enough worth to make it clear to you what you have done wrong.

People will not think twice about using you and then discarding you when they are finished with you. They will lie to you and about you without hesitation, as long as it serves their purposes, and most of the time, they won't even realize that they're lying. You will never be considered to be a human being with valid feelings, but everyone will demand that you consider their feelings even when they don't ever consider yours. It's not worth giving others a chance (or multiple chances) because they will never give you a chance, and as soon as someone better comes along, you will be kicked to the curb. Trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes will always be impossible, because they will always do things that you would never do.

All that, and you will be told that you are deficient and disabled, even if you are far more intelligent and capable than most of the people around you. Other people's unfair behaviour toward you will be explained away, even by a professional who is purporting to help you, because somehow those people have picked up on your annoying traits, even though they are far more annoying than you could ever be.

That's what I learned the hard way, and if I didn't have my diagnosis, I would still be under the completely insane delusion that the world can be fair if given the chance.
 
xudo said:
I'm still learning the hard way that I shouldn't always try to be nice. For example, my sister has a friend who lives in Liverpool who has come down this weekend with her girlfriend. They haven't really made much of an effort to see my sister, and today she has gone with them to a cat cafe (their idea, my sister was less than enthusiastic) and then she had thought they were all going back to hers for a takeaway and board games. It turns out that the couple had changed plans without telling her and were going for a meal (without sister). So I can see she's basically been ditched, invite her to ours for the evening which she is up for. Then they decide they will look at some shops before the meal, and ask her and she then essentially blows me off. I get that she wants to actually spend some time with them, but they already blew her off for other plans but then she does the same as soon as she has a better offer.

Having said that, I am used to being dropped for better plans by both my sister and many supposed friends over my life, so I shouldn't be so surprised. You'd think I would have learned by now ;)
Click to expand...

I suspect you have a reasonable view.. your sister however....

Weird how some people have a go to person in case they are dropped.

I remember the feeling.

My solution - not having anything to do with the people involved perhaps a little too extreme!
But i forgive myself )
 
Random examples:
• Always put on an oven mitt to protect hands and wrist when taking a dish out of or putting it into a hot oven.
• Get away from any person who is mean to animals.
• Do not tell family members that what they are saying is illogical.
 
This thread should be turned into a regular feature of a monthly zine about Aspie life. Just my random thought! Now sitting back to enjoy more posts on this thread:)
 
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me". Adults told me this multiple times as a kid. Seriously? Turns out words can hurt as much as sticks and stones. I get that the overall message is to figuratively brush off mean things people say. But in total honesty, who hasn't been harmed by words in any way, shape, or form, at least once in their lives? 'Never' is a bit extreme and unrealistic.
 
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I have learned the hard way that I will be forgiven for being born neurologically screwed up before I am forgiven for being born in the "wrong" place.
 
Flossing and brushing your teeth before you go out helps to cut down on bad breathe, not just by brushing your teeth. Licking the inside of your wrist with your tongue and smelling your licked wrist after a few seconds will tell you how your breath smells in real life.
 
It is really depressing to see the response to my post above. I would have liked it to be just me who had that experience, but clearly so many others have experienced the same thing. What exactly was it that we were supposed to learn in childhood? That hard work and honesty pay off? No, the lesson we should have learned is that popular people have good things happen to them even if they don't deserve it and haven't worked for it. Obviously all NTs know it, but are unwilling to say it out loud. I guess it's just one of the many unwritten rules that we are compelled to live by.
 
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