What do you think about this? Stubborn father? Bricks on lawn

[Frostee]

This morning I reversed on to our grass to get out as my windows wouldn’t defrost on the side, so I couldn’t see unless I went out that way. I came home to a yelling father who threatened to deflate my tyres.

I went out this afternoon and I am only back in 15 minutes. It is dark, I came in the drive and drove over about 10 stone bricks. I nearly burst my tyres. I did not know that these bricks where there and I did not see them until I got out. I could’ve damaged my car.

I should explain that the front of our house is mostly grass with just a small entrance and a small area of concrete to drive on. This is curved up against the house. We have 3 cars so one has to awkwardly and carefully manoeuvre to get parked and get out.

This is very hurtful. My father in my mind is not very accommodating towards anyone but me in particular. He sets a lot of awkward rules that have no leniency and are hard to live with.

We have all asked him to park my mums car in the garage to give more room and he will not put it in there.

It is very concerning that he is taking such an extreme reaction and only seems to be angry at me. My mother drove over the grass the other day and he did not say anything.

What do you think about this?

 

[GadAbout]

I think the whole problem will be solved when you move out.

 

[Frostee]

Anyone else?

 

[Fino]

1. Isn't there some way to defrost the window yourself, manually?

2. I'm confused. Are you saying he put the bricks there in an attempt to deflate your tires?

3. What is his reasoning for not putting the car in the garage?

 

[Frostee]

Idk. I think he put them there so I couldn’t reverse in to the grass. He won’t move the gym equipment, even though he could just turn it sideways to fit her car in.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think it unfair if you are being singled out when others also drive on the grass.

That said, maybe the only realistic solution is to defrost your windows manually rather than upsetting your dad - whether or not he is being difficult and unreasonable.

 

[Fino]

I don't know if that's necessarily singling out when it's between him and his mother. I would expect there to be different treatment there. It's her lawn too. If it was between you and your sister then yeah, it definitely would be.

But even if this specific case isn't singling out, it's not like it's uncommon for fathers to be harsher on their son than anyone else. It could be related to themselves with the son being a sort of reflection of themselves; related to their own father and how they were treated by him; related to ideas of masculinity and manhood and the idea that the son can handle it and needs to learn certain things; related to a dominance issue where the son is seen as a threat; and on and on and on.

Whatever the reason, it's very common and I wouldn't be surprised if it's happening in your family.

 

[Frostee]

So you think it’s alright that he put bricks on the concrete driveway and won’t compromise? Why should it be such an awkward process for me to get out of my drive? Why do I have to suffer?

I am not an evil person I just want to get my car in and out. I don’t understand why that should have to be such a hassle.

 

[Frostee]

I think it unfair if you are being singled out when others also drive on the grass.

That said, maybe the only realistic solution is to defrost your windows manually rather than upsetting your dad - whether or not he is being difficult and unreasonable.

I know. I’ve already scraped my car on the entrance. I don’t want to hit it again.

It is very hard for me to get my car out. It takes me about 5 minutes of reversing forward and back to get out.

It could be helped if my sister would park her tiny car away from the entrance so I could park there but she won’t.

 

[Aspychata]

In a open reasonable family, everyone would sit down and discuss the parking or lack off it. I do know dads are way tougher on sons. My dad was physically abusive to him,kicked him hard one time as a teen. He was so sad. l had to console him. You can rally your sister to move car, try to get your mom to help. You all have cars and someone gets the short end of the stick. No,it doesn't make it right. Maybe if you tell your dad that when you start working you will financially contribute to houshold expenses, that may help with him having more respect for you. What do you think?

 

[GadAbout]

So you think it’s alright that he put bricks on the concrete driveway and won’t compromise? Why should it be such an awkward process for me to get out of my drive? Why do I have to suffer?

I am not an evil person I just want to get my car in and out. I don’t understand why that should have to be such a hassle.

You're depressed because you can't find a job, which just feels like never-ending rejection to you. So your ability to diplomatically resolve conflicts is very low. Instead, you ramp up those conflicts to the point where you can displace your sadness onto someone else. You are very eager to blame someone, usually your dad, but I never see you acknowledge the real problem: You have a brain disorder or processing difference that makes everyday life very hard for you.

You own up to having anxiety, and taking meds for that. I've seen you acknowledge feeling very sad or depressed. But I haven't seen you say "I have autism and that's very hard."

I'm not sure why you can admit the anxiety and the depression, but not the autism. You sometimes come close, as when one interviewer mentioned poor eye contact as a problem in getting hired, but I don't see you taking the next step and figuring out how to master the interview situation to get hired. Instead, you express exasperation at the other party. This is true in school, in employment, and especially in your family.

You've mentioned the trouble getting your car in and out there. Just possibly, your autism has something to do with this.

I suggest you approach dad at a calm moment and ask if you can talk about some things you are having trouble with. Admit that you're worried about your future since you have some problems you are not getting any traction with. Apologize for the 3 a.m. music incident, and ask if he put bricks in the lawn to keep you from backing over it, and admit that you struggle with visuospatial challenges. Admit that you can be difficult to live with sometimes. Tell him you're sad seeing your sister get a job with little difficulty though several years younger.

Acknowledging all these struggles might help you move past blaming and begin to actually work on solutions.

 

[Aspychata]

You're depressed because you can't find a job, which just feels like never-ending rejection to you. So your ability to diplomatically resolve conflicts is very low. Instead, you ramp up those conflicts to the point where you can displace your sadness onto someone else. You are very eager to blame someone, usually your dad, but I never see you acknowledge the real problem: You have a brain disorder or processing difference that makes everyday life very hard for you.

You own up to having anxiety, and taking meds for that. I've seen you acknowledge feeling very sad or depressed. But I haven't seen you say "I have autism and that's very hard."

I'm not sure why you can admit the anxiety and the depression, but not the autism. You sometimes come close, as when one interviewer mentioned poor eye contact as a problem in getting hired, but I don't see you taking the next step and figuring out how to master the interview situation to get hired. Instead, you express exasperation at the other party. This is true in school, in employment, and especially in your family.

You've mentioned the trouble getting your car in and out there. Just possibly, your autism has something to do with this.

I suggest you approach dad at a calm moment and ask if you can talk about some things you are having trouble with. Admit that you're worried about your future since you have some problems you are not getting any traction with. Apologize for the 3 a.m. music incident, and ask if he put bricks in the lawn to keep you from backing over it, and admit that you struggle with visuospatial challenges. Admit that you can be difficult to live with sometimes. Tell him you're sad seeing your sister get a job with little difficulty though several years younger.

Acknowledging all these struggles might help you move past blaming and begin to actually work on solutions.

Frostee - The problem with us on the spectrum here, l had to work really hard on this is: Denial, denial, denial, and a smoothie of it, in fact a buffet of it. We will deny everything and not take responsibility for life. You sound exactly like me, very impatient when l don't get the job, get the parking space, get Dad's approval, get mom's support and so on. This is where you are going thru growing pains. You are sorta caught right now between being a teenager and moving into adulthood. You are having to learn to rely on yourself and even this forum is limited on support for you to transition into the adult *hood* .

I understand dad is a scary cave monster and it's hard to talk to him. l could never talk to my father about anything. All that is left is, apply apply apply for jobs, make a finacial contribution to house even if small. This is becoming a adult, you are ready for this step.

 

[Frostee]

Why are you blaming me? Have you not considered that it is my fathers fault? Or that he has autism?

Why would HIM being stubborn and uncompromising be MY FAULT?

My father is honestly not considerate of anyone. I’m sorry but he just isn’t.

 

[Frostee]

Btw for clarification purposes here is a photo to show the bricks. My mum's car is not there but it is usually parked to the right of mines, so there’s typically no room for me to turn there.

What you can't see is that there is a big concrete step to the left of the photo which narrows the space even further.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

You shouldn't be driving while unable to see out your side windows, it's not safe. Use defrosting spray or an ice scraper.

You can't change your dad, and as the owner of the house/garden what he says goes, the only thing you can change is your own reaction to the situation. Take responsibility for yourself and either learn to live contently within his rules or move out.

 

[GadAbout]

Why are you blaming me? Have you not considered that it is my fathers fault? Or that he has autism?

Why would HIM being stubborn and uncompromising be MY FAULT?

My father is honestly not considerate of anyone. I’m sorry but he just isn’t.

DOES he have autism?

 

[Tom]

They may not be easy to find, but they do actually make 'Traffic Bricks' that may be easier to see under low visability conditions.

 

[Aspychata]

So he would get upset if the family sat down to talk about parking issues? Have you mentioned you feel you have autism? Have you asked him if it runs on his side?

 

[Frostee]

I don’t know if it runs in his family, though there are a few socially awkward people in his family. (It also showed up as a gene in my dna test)

Me and my mum think he does have it, but he refuses to get diagnosed or admit to it.

 

[GadAbout]

Ok, so ....

• What if he does have autism? Then it makes sense that he is enraged by a noise complaint at 3 a.m. It makes sense that he has a rigid concept of parking issues. It makes a lot of sense that when coming home from a day's work, he doesn't want to drive you to places for recreation, but just wants to relax and recover from a hard day. So, learn to have empathy with his issues, and don't be in constant conflict with him.

• And - what if he doesn't have autism? Then use him as a mentor, ask what he did himself to be successful in a career, and ask advice for your future actions. Even if he doesn't seem sympathetic, it would be a growth move for you.

Of course, I don't expect you to do either of these things. You will continue to clash with him and wonder why we aren't blaming him. (Answer: because blaming him doesn't accomplish anything!)

The point here is, you have choices in how you deal with your circumstances, and some of them lead to better outcomes than others. I would think you'd be tired of your old familiar "victim" rut, but maybe not.

But as for forum members, when we see you getting into the same pointless conflicts over and over, well, we are kind of tired of your victim rut. It doesn't have to be this way, Frostee - your choice.

How many jobs have you applied for today?