What Do I Do About My Crush?

[snowmonkey]

I come here with a query with the hope that fellow Aspies can offer their insight. The neurotypicals aren't really of too much assistance in this.

Okay, so I have never been "in a relationship" with anybody before. There is this guy that I have become acquainted with, on another forum, and we started emailing on various topics. He is extremely intelligent, devout (which is important to me- I am Catholic), and very polite and kind and sweet. We have such similar interests it is scary- in such remote areas. We can talk about anything at all, and I some time ago started developing feelings for him. It's like a deep love of his soul and mind, respect and fascination too. It is so hard to explain. It's not like a crush in that I have warm gooey mushy feelings, but I am extremely attracted to him and his personality. I would love to get to know him better.

Some problems. We email about three or four times over several days and then it could go weeks without an email. Not because we don't want to, but because my reply probably doesn't seem very prompting like "yeah, you should answer this", and he is busy and I am busy and I don't want to become obsessive and annoy him with lots of emails. He never said that I annoy him, of course, I am just afraid of that.

Also in the forum he had mentioned that he feels he is called to the life of a celibate bachelor. I totally understand the sentiment as I thought that would be my calling too (except I am female, of course). He had mentioned there that he doubts there are any women out there that would be suitable for him, and I've always thought the same about guys. He said this about a year ago- we have known of each other for maybe two months.

Oh, yeah, he has Aspergers.

I would like to get to know him better to see if there is any potential but I don't know how to do that. We live too far to just meet up for no particular reason. If there was a good reason, we could. He is working, I am still in college. (He graduated college a few years ago.) And then there's his disinterest in the idea of marrying, which I suppose could change, not to count on it though.

Is there any advice from Aspies on how to encourage more frequent communication and how to see if maybe there's any potential there? I know for me it takes a very long time to change my mind once I am stuck on something, and that could very well be the same for him. I am pretty sure that if I suggested anything more than friendship right now he'd shy away. I would love to keep him at least as a friend as he has been a comfort to me and really about the only person in a long time who really "gets" me and how I think. And the only person I can talk to about many subjects.

Thanks for any advice!

 

[Ste11aeres]

Well, to start, I think you can explicitly tell him-(at least in a friendship context for right now)-how he and you connect in a way that is different than anyone else in your life, and as a result, you would like to explicitly ask him for more frequent communication and maybe a visit. You and he seem to be on the same page so it should be easy. I am getting the feeling that even if it never turned into a relationship in the romantic sense, you would still be genuinely happy as long as he is your friend. In fact, you are reminding me almost exactly of the story of my feelings and relationship with my in-person friend.

Just explicitly ask him for the more frequent communication and even for a visit. Assuming that he doesn't want to hear about romance (at least for now)...Many NTs don't understand platonic friendships between men and women and would not understand wanting a visit merely for friendship. However, friendship is extremely important to many Aspies, so he probably would understand, and many Aspies are very good at having platonic but strong friendships with those of the opposite sex "Ask Dr. Tony" October 2011 - Sensory Issues, Special vs Intimate Friends and "Intellectual Orgasms" - YouTube so he probably would be able to understand your desire to meet without you having to (for the time) bring romance into the picture. (Even though guy friends of his might later tease him about his new girlfriend)

Here is a link to another interesting video. I don't think every detail applies in your case, since the reasons of the guy you know for being interested in celibacy are different than the reasons hypothesised in this video. Nonetheless, there might be some merit to this video. What It Means When A Guy Just Wants To Be Friends: From Matthew Hussey, GetTheGuy - YouTube Matthew Hussey is a genuinely good relationship coach for women. (He does assume that couple in a relationship is sexually involved even outside of marriage. This probably conflict with your views, and is the one thing about him I have a reservation on, since, like you, I am also Catholic. But anytime someone gives you advice, you can pick and choose, taking the parts of the advice that apply to you, and leaving the other parts) Also, an Aspie guy might be different in some respects than the typical guys described by Hussey. As is the case with my in-person friend.

 

[snowmonkey]

My sincere gratitude for your reply. It's very useful information you've posted there. You are right, I think, in that I would be very happy with him as a friend. Anyway, I suppose if anything major comes up, I'll bring it up here.

 

[Ste11aeres]

If you are worried that he would be scared off by romance, then you can (assuming you're being sincere) explicitly tell him romance is not necessary. when asking for a visit-more frequent communication. (You might need to word that very carefully, if you are still hoping to leave the door open to at least the possibility future romance. In that case, avoid making it sound like you think he's unattractive, or something)

The nice thing about him being an Aspie is whatever you say, he'll take you at your word. The thing to remember about him being an Aspie is, he might need to hear things explicitly to understand what's going on. Of course, it's much easier for you to be aware of these two things than it would be for the average NT girl.

 

[Hadassah]

No way, sounds very similar to something that happened to me a while ago, lol! I think two months is not enough time to truly know someone, sorry. At least that's what happened to me. But he was an NT and didn't understand that I took everything he said literally. He liked me too "that way", but knowing only for two months, I think it was too soon to talk about feelings. I know it's possible! But maybe you should wait a while before telling? Because you're still in the stage of talking only about the "good things". Dunno.. But good thing he's an aspie!!!

 

[snowmonkey]

So I think an update is in order. I basically came right out and told him that I love to hear from him and to please feel free to write more often. And he is now- practically every day and sometimes more often, on occasion will wait a day or two if delayed. It's almost freaky how similar we both are in a lot of ways and we've had some fairly personal discussions that I've felt very comfortable with. I don't really trust most people so it's a great thing to be able to share my thoughts and interests with someone. I have a feeling that this might develop into something more once we're both comfortable. It may take a while but I feel a connection with him that I just don't have with most people. He's also starting to use emoticons in his emails which isn't typical of him. I know I had to become very comfortable to use emoticons (it just felt too informal) and maybe he's the same way?

Anyway, thanks for your input!