I am having a rough day like I do every day. My own parents say nasty things that are UNTRUE about me behind my back and sometimes I find out about it and they still deny it, which infuriates me. They embarrass me in public so now I don't hardly even leave my house. I feel like I can't trust anyone even my own family. I had a wonderful life until the fall of 2012 and until then, like most people, I lived in my own little bubble. My own little world, free of hardships, I didn't have any worries, I had everything pretty much I wanted. I had been living at home at that time and my parents threw me out on the streets playing the "you have a drug problem" card. They bought my brother a car and gave me his old one. I was homeless off and on for 5 YEARS. It was more horrible than you could imagine, believe me. I recently moved back home with my folks and they put me on medication to make me docile and calm so I wouldn't aggravate them. I recently stopped taking the meds. They aren't for me, I'm not psychotic. I have to live with my 66 year old mother now and I hate it. I don't want to bother her at her old age. I can't hold down a job and even If I was able to, I would be poor as heck and on my own and that's no way to live. My god blessed parents use the old,"If you didn't drink you would be able to hold a job down" line but I am socially awkward. I don't understand the glib, meaningless banter NT people rely on to get by. Like, they say stuff that, to me doesn't mean anything but It does to most people. Every time I go out I only feel good when I drink alcohol but due to health problems I really am not supposed to drink. I will probably continue to drink because I will perish sooner.
Will this ever change? Will It get better? Should I put myself out there? I don't think there is any point. I don't have small talk skills or understand people's games. I have a high IQ but life is hard for me. It is like I never learned the rules to making people believe I am okay and I know what I'm talking about. I see a therapist, It doesn't help anything. I have been to psych ward after psych ward, rehab after rehab, I don't want to get clean because I feel there is no hope for an undiagnosed aspie with no education, no money, no family to get me a job working with them, no ssi. I've applied 4 times. I've been told by social workers that you have to get turned down many times before you get it. This is completely untrue.
Will this ever change? Will It get better? Should I put myself out there? I don't think there is any point. I don't have small talk skills or understand people's games. I have a high IQ but life is hard for me. It is like I never learned the rules to making people believe I am okay and I know what I'm talking about. I see a therapist, It doesn't help anything. I have been to psych ward after psych ward, rehab after rehab, I don't want to get clean because I feel there is no hope for an undiagnosed aspie with no education, no money, no family to get me a job working with them, no ssi. I've applied 4 times. I've been told by social workers that you have to get turned down many times before you get it. This is completely untrue.