Since my early teens, I've desired nothing more than to experience my first relationship. Unfortunately, poor social skills and difficulties with social cues, a complete lack of relationship role-models and people to turn to for dating advice, and crippling self-doubt about my appeal to the opposite sex made it so that even when I had dating opportunities, I was either oblivious to them in the moment, only to later realise what I'd missed in hindsight, or I simply didn't know how to proceed with them, and I ran out of time to figure it out.
The appeal of a romantic relationship for me is probably similar to what it is for most people who want a relationship. I want to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction. I also want to feel loved romantically, and love someone else the same way.
Having this desire over several years and not being able to fulfill it, especially in the context of a society where most people get to experience love much earlier, has led me to experience worsening depression, emotional numbness, and feelings of alienation from others who can't empathise with the anguish that often accompanies completely missing out on romantic love and intimacy well into adulthood (I'm 29).
I don't have much ambition or motivation to do things. I don't have much in the way of interests or hobbies that I'm interested in actively pursuing. Most of my days are spent purposelessly browsing the internet, watching a couple of Youtube videos, and consuming sugary drinks and unhealthy food. I probably have some form of anhedonia. I don't think there's a lot of potential for me to experience much pleasure or enjoyment without a romantic relationship in my life at this stage.
Conversely, I think experiencing romantic love would be incredibly emotionally envigorating for me, and would awaken me to joys, feelings and motivation that I haven't felt for a long time, or perhaps ever. I truly do believe getting to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction would add an explosion of vibrant colours to my greyscale world.
The big problem is that I don't feel very relatable, and don't have a lot to talk about. I'm a person of depth, and I'm very logical, but I'm honestly pretty dispassionate about life and most things, and I've been increasingly that way over the several years that I've been depressed about romantic loneliness, which makes it hard to connect with people.
There are places I could go and try to meet women, but I just don't have much confidence in my ability to connect with them for reasons I've mentioned in the paragraphs above. I just feel like I'm on a different wavelength than most people, especially neurotypical women. I don't expect the vast majority of people to be able to relate with a lot of the hardships I've been through in my life, and that leaves me wondering what it is that we can relate with each other about.
The appeal of a romantic relationship for me is probably similar to what it is for most people who want a relationship. I want to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction. I also want to feel loved romantically, and love someone else the same way.
Having this desire over several years and not being able to fulfill it, especially in the context of a society where most people get to experience love much earlier, has led me to experience worsening depression, emotional numbness, and feelings of alienation from others who can't empathise with the anguish that often accompanies completely missing out on romantic love and intimacy well into adulthood (I'm 29).
I don't have much ambition or motivation to do things. I don't have much in the way of interests or hobbies that I'm interested in actively pursuing. Most of my days are spent purposelessly browsing the internet, watching a couple of Youtube videos, and consuming sugary drinks and unhealthy food. I probably have some form of anhedonia. I don't think there's a lot of potential for me to experience much pleasure or enjoyment without a romantic relationship in my life at this stage.
Conversely, I think experiencing romantic love would be incredibly emotionally envigorating for me, and would awaken me to joys, feelings and motivation that I haven't felt for a long time, or perhaps ever. I truly do believe getting to experience physical intimacy and emotional intimacy in the context of mutual heterosexual attraction would add an explosion of vibrant colours to my greyscale world.
The big problem is that I don't feel very relatable, and don't have a lot to talk about. I'm a person of depth, and I'm very logical, but I'm honestly pretty dispassionate about life and most things, and I've been increasingly that way over the several years that I've been depressed about romantic loneliness, which makes it hard to connect with people.
There are places I could go and try to meet women, but I just don't have much confidence in my ability to connect with them for reasons I've mentioned in the paragraphs above. I just feel like I'm on a different wavelength than most people, especially neurotypical women. I don't expect the vast majority of people to be able to relate with a lot of the hardships I've been through in my life, and that leaves me wondering what it is that we can relate with each other about.
