Waiting to hear from my best friend

[Mars26]

I've been having a pretty bad time lately. At the university, privately, etc. However, with the help of a psychiatrist and a good attitude, I managed not to fall into depression again. It was really hard. However, I made one mistake when I felt sad. Namely, I got drunk at a party, on the same day I heard what was wrong with my project in college, around the same time I started slowly annoying my friends and still didn't know what to do with my ex. There was a lot of it. When I got drunk, I flirted with my friend (btw she has a boyfriend) in front of my ex-boyfriend, and I was also talking weird random things. I've never been so drunk to not remember. But from what I learned so far, when someone told me that my behavior disturbed them, I stopped immediately. I don't try whitewash what I did, but they act like I have to do penance for what I did. They didn't even invite me to the party they were organizing now. From what I learned from few of my friends, one of them (sober) reportedly did a much worse thing at the new party, she behaved in a not cool way, she insulted people but everything is still ok, because she is one of the leaders of our group. Of course, I'm not saying that everyone is bad because there are individuals who are awesome. I also know that I did wrong because I shouldn't drink when I felt bad. Now I wonder what to do because my best friend is not talking to me since last Friday. To be fair it is Easter now and in our country the holiday season lasts from Sunday 28 March to Monday 5 April. So he might as well be busy, and I am paranoid as always and misinterpreted why he is not writing. I forgot to mention that while I was so drunk at this party, I had a concussion. And most people blew me away, only two friends and my ex helped me. This group is more a group of acquaintance than a group of friends. It is made up of friends of one couple (my friend from college and his girlfriend). And it seems to me that because everyone is acting like we're best friends, I believed it. I had a similar situation in high school where I trusted people I barely knew because they said we were friends.
Could someone advise me when I should speak to my best friend now and how to do it? I was thinking about sending him an Easter wishes tomorrow and see how he responds. I should also mention that my best friend is my ex. I didn't want to say this at the beginning because not everyone thinks you should be friends with your ex, and we were best friends even before we were a couple. Now I am a bit worried that I am persona non grata because some friends from our group who I really know well (because I go to college with them) and who have not helped me recently because I annoyed them, they know things about my relationship with my ex (I just I complained about him to them). And I'm afraid that maybe they told him about it at the last party. Everyone tells me that since they've had enough of me lately, they probably didn't talk about me. However, I am afraid because my best friend is very important to me and I don't want to lose him, considering that we have been doing so well for months now. (of course it is still not an easy friendship). Also, I don't know what should I do with this group next?

 

[Thinx]

This sounds difficult, but also, most of us have made fools of ourselves at times, the embarrassment will pass. If anyone is being mean about it, they should think about times they have embarrassed themselves. Hopefully your friend/ex is just busy. Yes he might be a bit embarrassed by your antics that day, but he'll get over it, bet he's done some embarrassing stuff.

Maybe when you see your friend/ ex again, you can say, oh dear I won't be drinking too much at a party again any time soon. And he can comment if he wants to.

Ideally, try to move on and to distract yourself from ruminating on this. You learned from it, now move on. Go for some walks or runs outdoors. Do stuff. Get on with tasks or exercise. Every day is a new day when good things can happen, we don't have to brood. The future will be different, you have some power over the future.

 

[Au Naturel]

I have found that a popular person can get away with doing ****** stuff without consequence while if someone low in the social hierarchy does something similar but less bad, they will get dumped on. I can only conclude that social rank hath its privileges and let it go.

 

[Mars26]

My real friends from this group (Those with whom I go to college and was recently annoyed by me) and my ex didn't even react to the Easter wishes in our conversation on FB. And there are two girls who always give reaction. What should I do? I have lost my friends and my best friend. Everyone hates me. I would survive the loss of my friends somehow, but the fact that they poisoned my best friend against me. I don't feel good about it. I though about hurting myself.

 

[Rainbowcat]

I've been having a pretty bad time lately. At the university, privately, etc. However, with the help of a psychiatrist and a good attitude, I managed not to fall into depression again. It was really hard. However, I made one mistake when I felt sad. Namely, I got drunk at a party, on the same day I heard what was wrong with my project in college, around the same time I started slowly annoying my friends and still didn't know what to do with my ex. There was a lot of it. When I got drunk, I flirted with my friend (btw she has a boyfriend) in front of my ex-boyfriend, and I was also talking weird random things. I've never been so drunk to not remember. But from what I learned so far, when someone told me that my behavior disturbed them, I stopped immediately. I don't try whitewash what I did, but they act like I have to do penance for what I did. They didn't even invite me to the party they were organizing now. From what I learned from few of my friends, one of them (sober) reportedly did a much worse thing at the new party, she behaved in a not cool way, she insulted people but everything is still ok, because she is one of the leaders of our group. Of course, I'm not saying that everyone is bad because there are individuals who are awesome. I also know that I did wrong because I shouldn't drink when I felt bad. Now I wonder what to do because my best friend is not talking to me since last Friday. To be fair it is Easter now and in our country the holiday season lasts from Sunday 28 March to Monday 5 April. So he might as well be busy, and I am paranoid as always and misinterpreted why he is not writing. I forgot to mention that while I was so drunk at this party, I had a concussion. And most people blew me away, only two friends and my ex helped me. This group is more a group of acquaintance than a group of friends. It is made up of friends of one couple (my friend from college and his girlfriend). And it seems to me that because everyone is acting like we're best friends, I believed it. I had a similar situation in high school where I trusted people I barely knew because they said we were friends.
Could someone advise me when I should speak to my best friend now and how to do it? I was thinking about sending him an Easter wishes tomorrow and see how he responds. I should also mention that my best friend is my ex. I didn't want to say this at the beginning because not everyone thinks you should be friends with your ex, and we were best friends even before we were a couple. Now I am a bit worried that I am persona non grata because some friends from our group who I really know well (because I go to college with them) and who have not helped me recently because I annoyed them, they know things about my relationship with my ex (I just I complained about him to them). And I'm afraid that maybe they told him about it at the last party. Everyone tells me that since they've had enough of me lately, they probably didn't talk about me. However, I am afraid because my best friend is very important to me and I don't want to lose him, considering that we have been doing so well for months now. (of course it is still not an easy friendship). Also, I don't know what should I do with this group next?

I would say give some time to your bestfriend(ex boy friend). He most probably got hurt. If he is your friend,he will show understanding to what had happened. But he might need time.

As far for your group of friends you need to reconsider whether, you want to hang out with people that didn't invite you to the last party.
If you have concerns about them for poisoning your bestfriend against you,then they aren't your friends for sure and for your best sake,avoid them in future.
It might be hard,if you don't have other group of friends to hang out,but trust me, better to be alone than with people who behave as they do.

You know better how your best friend will react with receiving wishes for Easter.
Do you have a common friend that he speaks to? Maybe you can get some info about how he is feeling.
In a similar situation i had send wishes,but i don't know if that was the best thing to do. Hard to say.

 

[Thinx]

It's definitely not true that everyone hates you. Hate is a strong word, and at most your friends have maybe got in a huff with you, and bit irritated, or similar. You explained why, so just give it some time, keep calm and keep yourself busy. Everyone makes mistakes, but getting free of mean people may not be such a problem as you think?

 

[Mars26]

As far for your group of friends you need to reconsider whether, you want to hang out with people that didn't invite you to the last party.

It is very possible that they didn't invite me because they are doing small parties now due to COVID. I am also at my parents' house for Easter in a completely different city. I am also not 100% sure that they poisoned my best friend against me. I suspect this because it is very strange to me that most of them didnt give reactions to the Easter Wishes. Because like I said, these two girls and my ex were always giving me likes. (I should also mention that one of these girls gave reaction to the wishes in this other conversation of our group but not to mine) Of course, it is very possible that they were busy because of the holidays. However, I got a lot of wishes on FB and when I didnt have time to write back, I gave at least reactions because it is a second. It all depends on whether my ex was at the party or not. Now what I'm worried about is whether they really ignored my wishes to show that they don't like me anymore or whether most of them read it but forgot to answer because they were busy. I sincerely hope that even if the rest were offended, my ex just did not have time to write back.

Do you think I should speak to my best friend first and found out what the situation is or write to the group leader to find out what happened at the party? My dad says I should wait out the situation and not ask anyone about anything but I will go crazy guessing what happend.

 

[Mars26]

I should mention that I don't think people dislikes me because they didn't like my message but It is very weird that for a group of 10 people, only 2 people liked it (one is very close to me and second who I barely know).

 

[Thinx]

This is a chance for you to notice that you tend to ruminate and obsess a bit about things people say, it's something a lot of us notice and then work on, because you can actually distract yourself from this, and also lessen it by reiterating to yourself how fruitless it is.

You won't go crazy, nothing at all will happen apart from improved ability to cope, as you get better at distracting yourself, and at just letting things go. Each time you start to wonder or ruminate, cut it off and say phrases like, I can't know what others are thinking, I'll assume they are busy with Easter. Now I ll ask my dad about how he is, instead of wasting my visit here. Just keep reminding yourself.

Be in the present, your parents will appreciate that too. And are therefore things you want to do? Walks or bike rides or helping in the house and garden? This stuff isn't very important, really, it will sort itself out, meanwhile you are missing Easter.

 

[Rainbowcat]

I agree with Thinx.Try to distracte yourself from these thoughts. Try to go out in nature and spend some time with your parents(even if you feel bored with them).Take a break from all of those thoughts.

Do you think I should speak to my best friend first and found out what the situation is or write to the group leader to find out what happened at the party? My dad says I should wait out the situation and not ask anyone about anything but I will go crazy guessing what happend.

I agree with your father,time will show what happened. Also don't ask the group leader for sure,you can't rely on him/her. Don't spend your time guessing what has happened,that brings even more anxiety and negative emotions.
Your bestfriend will contact you when he feels ready.

Keep in mind that you can't control how people react. Things will sort out by time. You will know who are your friends. Friendships are tested as all relationships. See it like as a test of how strong your friendships are.

 

[Mars26]

Thank you Thinx and Rainbowcat you're right but unfortunately when I'm walking or cycling I have time to think about this things. I'll try to focus on something specific to not to think about it. However, I have no idea on which i should focus

 

[Au Naturel]

When I go for a walk or a bike ride or when I used to climb rocks, I don't "think about things." I focus on the experience of the walk. When I'm biking... every time I ride a bike I focus on the experience of the ride. When I used to climb rocks, decades ago, I HAD to focus on the climb to keep from destroying myself and other riders. Very bad things happen if you lose focus while being active that way.

Kirk is free climbing El Capitan. He gets distracted. See why focus is important?

Maybe it is something I cannot share or expect others to understand. There's a kind of pleasant fatigue that sets in. My body is doing something it was designed to do, something my ancient ancestors understood as how life was lived. My mind is fully present and focused on my effort and the environment. The swing of my legs, the sweat on my skin and the wind evaporating it, the warmth of sun and the cool of shade. Sipping on water constantly and lightly snacking occasionally. Listening to the birds and the rustilng of the trees in the breeze, scanning the trail for game sign, the surrounding ground for interesting plants and flowers, and the more distant terrain for animals. Admiring the scenery while also using it to navigate. Being silent myself.

Maybe it is the extra blood circulation to the brain? Maybe it is the endorphins produced by the physical stresses of the activity? Being forced to focus on something that exhausts your adrenaline, does not twist the gut, nor crank out stomach acid? Something demanding that you have complete control over. I find that by not thinking about a problem, by the end of the day I have often resolved my concerns without having been conscious of thinking about it. Or maybe just too tired to care anymore but that itself is a resolution for the insoluble.

Most of the time, the problem is not the thing we are fretting over. It is that were are fretting over something beyond our control. Let it go.

 

[Mars26]

Thank you Au Naturel you were also very helpfull. The problem is that when I go for a walk for 2 hours, I can still think about what I don't want to think. For several days I have been going out walking regularly and it gives me only minimal relief, but I still think while walking. And I can't change my life so drastically that I actually stop thinking. Because I wouldn't have time for the usual things I likes to do. However, reading what you wrote, I thought that maybe I should change my life for a while. Because my hobbies (which are more indoor then outdoor) I don't do anyway because I'm always worried and stressed. Therefore, maybe I will really switch to more exercise activities for now to not to think.

 

[Thinx]

You can actually decide to Not think, as you say, and/or, you can actively distract yourself, and switch into the here and now. Mindfulness, basically. Notice that your thoughts have gone to the topic, and bring them back to now, the place you are, and what's around you.

It's a great skill for Aspies to learn, it really freed me up from over thinking and obsessing about others possible views or what they meant by this or that. It helps if the place you are is interesting, too!

 

[Mars26]

Update with my best friend is that one girl has turned everyone against me as a revenge as I thought. It was not difficult because I screwed up recently. However, the only person she had a problem with was my ex-boyfriend (aka my best friend). And you know what she did? She said something that I did say, but she manipulated it so that it turned out that I was speaking wrong about him. The best thing is that although that conversion with that chick was a secret conversation on the messenger, I have a recording and screenshots from it. So I have evidence that this chick manipulated him, but when I told him about it, he said that he did not want to see my "evidence".And I don't know what to do next? I don't care about these other friends anymore because they themselves have done a lot of harm, however, between me and my ex has been great recently and now, even as I really have evidence that I did not speak badly about him, I just mentioned to this chick that I remember such a situation with him and asked if I remember it correctly because alcohol and apserger and I could have misinterpreted it. Do you know if I still have a chance to explain it? Because I really don't know if it was because I didn't mean anything to him and he disowned me to hook up with them or because I was talking about him behind his back (it doesn't matter that I didn't say badly) and it still hurts him?

 

[Mars26]

I will add that it is very bad with me but I am still trying. As long as we have lockdown, I don't have to watch them, but when it ends in a week, I don't know what it will be, if I have to watch their ugly faces at the university.

 

[SDRSpark]

Thank you Thinx and Rainbowcat you're right but unfortunately when I'm walking or cycling I have time to think about this things. I'll try to focus on something specific to not to think about it. However, I have no idea on which i should focus

I have these same issues when someone tells me to go for a walk, etc. or to think about something else. Apparently, there are a lot of people who can only have ONE thought at a time. I have no idea what that's like, I always have at minimum two trains of thought going simultaneously that intersect (one is words/monologue/dialog and one is images/visual and sometimes I have auditory/feel/smell trains of thought as well). So if something is bothering me and I can't "put it down" as it were, it'll still exist in one of those other thought trains even if the most ACTIVE one is focused on something else.

Update with my best friend is that one girl has turned everyone against me as a revenge as I thought. It was not difficult because I screwed up recently. However, the only person she had a problem with was my ex-boyfriend (aka my best friend). And you know what she did? She said something that I did say, but she manipulated it so that it turned out that I was speaking wrong about him. The best thing is that although that conversion with that chick was a secret conversation on the messenger, I have a recording and screenshots from it. So I have evidence that this chick manipulated him, but when I told him about it, he said that he did not want to see my "evidence".And I don't know what to do next? I don't care about these other friends anymore because they themselves have done a lot of harm, however, between me and my ex has been great recently and now, even as I really have evidence that I did not speak badly about him, I just mentioned to this chick that I remember such a situation with him and asked if I remember it correctly because alcohol and apserger and I could have misinterpreted it. Do you know if I still have a chance to explain it? Because I really don't know if it was because I didn't mean anything to him and he disowned me to hook up with them or because I was talking about him behind his back (it doesn't matter that I didn't say badly) and it still hurts him?

I will add that it is very bad with me but I am still trying. As long as we have lockdown, I don't have to watch them, but when it ends in a week, I don't know what it will be, if I have to watch their ugly faces at the university.

This is an incredibly crummy situation. I've had that happen a few times...someone has already decided who to believe, and it's the wrong thing, but there's not much you can do. You can't control other people.

 

[Rainbowcat]

I will add that it is very bad with me but I am still trying. As long as we have lockdown, I don't have to watch them, but when it ends in a week, I don't know what it will be, if I have to watch their ugly faces at the university.

I am sorry about how things have turned out. You can't do much with your ex-boyfriend. You can only give him time and hope he will approach you again. I agree with SDRSpark,you can't control the reactions of others.

What i could advice on is : try to make new friends!
At the university you can meet much more new people than in school.

 

[Mars26]

After talking with person who is neutral to this situation, and she heard my story and their story I finally realized that my friends and my family wasn't wrong saying that my ex is toxic. I never wanted to believe it because I didn't want to be a person who is guided only by his version of events or what his loved ones will say (because such opinions are not objective). But now I know that he was toxic. However, now I wonder if I am not toxic because I am making myself a victim. However, apparently I have the right to feel like a victim in this situation because despite my slip-up with alcohol, I wanted to fix the situation with my friends and regretted how I behaved after alcohol but they deleted me from their lives anyway after one slip-up without any conversation whatsoever. In addition, by throwing me out of the group and setting up a new one (when I didn't know what was going on), they wanted to hurt me (they did it sober and deliberately, unlike me) and they also turned people against me. I felt that I had no right to feel like a victim because I knew I screwed up, but looking at what they did after this situation, I know that they are not people worth my attention.

But I wonder if I should give them a little slack, because no one who was offended isn't thinking at the moment to behave well towards the person who offended him (even if he apologized).

As for my ex, I don't think he was pretending to be my friend, but I don't think he was able to act like one. But it's better for me because when he wrote "you are not a monster but after what you did don't count for too much" I thought that meeting once for six months and five words exchange every week in the messenger it was already almost nothing.