Visiting other people's homes

[Pats]

This is something I have such a problem with. I always have but never knew why before my diagnosis. But my brother especially. He lives in Arizona and has even offered to pay for my ticket to fly out and visit him and his wife. I'm not even comfortable around them in my own setting.

But when I have to stay with someone (even one of my kids) it's soooo hard. They don't have the kinds of food on hand that I eat. They watch things on tv that I have no interest in. I don't feel free enough to even walk across the room to get something to drink. I even have a hard time making myself move enough to get up and go to the bathroom. My younger son has a tendency to stand at his counter when I stop by and talk so I don't feel free to sit and my back hurts so bad by the time I leave. Any other person's home I feel like I'm in prison having to go by their schedule and their whatever. And I never know how to leave.

I have spent a week with my daughters after they've had a baby and I help. I'm not comfortable but I do it for them. When I was living in Ga and knew it'd be a month before I got back it was really hard to say goodbye. I start getting tearful just thinking about having to leave them and when I got to that point it wasn't going to go away so I'd just have to go ahead and leave. I preferred leaving before anyone got up and then spend the following week at home crying about it.

But as hard as it always was and is leaving my kids, it's hard staying with them. They want me there and make sure I know how appreciated I am, but I just can't get comfortable. I hate that about myself.

 

[Progster]

I find it hard to stay with other people for the very reasons that you describe. I never feel comfortable staying with other people. It gets kind of claustrophobic. I certainly don't like having to listen to other people's TV or radio. Food can sometimes be a problem. I often go out for a walk on my own, or I go and rest in my room for a bit and listen to some music or watch a YouTube video or something like that. I need to have control over my environment.

 

[Pats]

I remember once my daughter needed me to babysit and she's in Charlotte so I always spend one night. She's the one that is probably on the spectrum, too. At the time my son in law wasn't speaking to me because I had made a comment about his not helping with the kids. True but he didn't like it. I'm very careful to stay away from political views with my daughter and the news was on and showing all the rioting after Trump was elected. I didn't vote for Trump nor Hillary, but my statement was merely that I didn't get all the rioting as if it were going to change anything. I thought that was a safe statement but she got mad and went upstairs and there I was sitting in the living room with my son in law. I thought to myself, "Well, crap!". Talk about uncomfortable. lol

 

[Pats]

I find it hard to stay with other people for the very reasons that you describe. I never feel comfortable staying with other people. It gets kind of claustrophobic. I certainly don't like having to listen to other people's TV or radio. Food can sometimes be a problem. I often go out for a walk on my own, or I go and rest in my room for a bit and listen to some music or watch a YouTube video or something like that. I need to have control over my environment.

I'm usually sleeping on couches so can't go to my room.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I am most comfortable in my own environment because I can arrange it to accommodate my ASD preferences. We rely on that special organization to minimize upset or confusion. I think we forget how much we rely on the details of our environment that help us get through a day. You are probably not alone when feeling ill-at-ease in another person's home, even if you know them well. As a guest, you need to be polite, yet you want to relax and have fun - different toys, different rules, different environment. It's stressful. I have not found a way around that feeling of being out of place and in the way. I suppose the best thing to do is make use of quality time with the people you are visiting. Still, it is stressful.

 

[Progster]

I'm usually sleeping on couches so can't go to my room.

That's difficult - perhaps a walk outside to take fresh air and exercise might help and give you some alone time.

 

[Mary Terry]

I usually opt for a nearby hotel when visiting out of town family or friends. When I do stay in someone's home, I volunteer to make at least one dinner so I can go grocery shopping and buy what I want to eat as well as whatever I'm planning to cook. I take a book to read in lieu of being stuck watching (or being expected to watch) their TV choices. I see nothing wrong with sitting quietly with my book in a corner of the room or on a porch while others stare blankly at some garbage on TV. One of my worst issues is that I am a very early to bed/early to rise person so I always ask how to use their coffee machine so I can brew a pot for everyone when I'm up raring to go at 5:00 a.m. and they are still asleep.

 

[Icequeen]

I can't relax and be myself until I'm home. I'd rather stay in a hotel, spend the day visiting, then come back to the room and decompress.

Many people do the same, if you can swing it, you might want to consider it. I think it takes some of the pressure off both the guest and the host and can make for a more pleasant visit.

Don't feel bad, you're still doing better than me with this. I've never even been on a plane and don't foresee that ever happening without meds. Renting an RV and driving 5,000 miles sure, a 2 hr plane ride, miles up in the sky...nope.

 

[BraidedPony]

Pats, your description of how it feels to be in someone else’s home is exactly how I feel! I had no idea anyone else felt this way besides me! Wow.
I haven’t been able to stay anywhere but home for many years now so I don't have any tips on how to cope.
Even visits that aren’t overnight, i get that frozen in place thing where I can’t even go to the bathroom. And why do people stand and talk when they could sit down? Never understood that, kills my back too!
I’ll see if I can come up with some ideas that would be helpful, for both of us!

 

[Pats]

Pats, your description of how it feels to be in someone else’s home is exactly how I feel! I had no idea anyone else felt this way besides me! Wow.
I haven’t been able to stay anywhere but home for many years now so I don't have any tips on how to cope.
Even visits that aren’t overnight, i get that frozen in place thing where I can’t even go to the bathroom. And why do people stand and talk when they could sit down? Never understood that, kills my back too!
I’ll see if I can come up with some ideas that would be helpful, for both of us!

Isn't it good to find out when you're not the only one with these things? And I'm so glad that someone understands the frozen thing. Last year when my brother was pressuring me into coming there - I didn't go, but I used the opportunity to tell all my siblings that I'm not comfortable staying at anyone's homes. (I'm game if they want to meet and stay at a motel). But with 9 grandchildren and almost a birthday party every month or so - often in the other grandparents' home - eek. I have to go. I try to say that I can't stay too long, but end up sitting there frozen trying to figure out how to get out without being noticed. And at these parties I'm completely lost. Where do I stand, am I supposed to be talking to people, what do I say, the lemonade across the room looks so quenching I wish I could go get some..... It's a nightmare.

 

[Progster]

I get the frozen feeling, too.

 

[Mary Terry]

It must be universally stressful trying to fit into an alien environment like someone else's home, no matter how much you love them. I'm NT and I don't like coping with it, either, even if they are my own children or close relatives. Everyone has their own familiar, comfortable way of living, including the host or hostess. Everyone becomes off balance under those stresses. It helps to have a couple of 'escape' or backup plans in case I can't stand it anymore and need to flee. LOL

 

[clg114]

I guess it must be true. "There is no place like home."

 

[tducey]

I sometimes have anxiety with staying in a different spot but usually I stay somewhere new and I end up making out okay.

 

[SusanLR]

Pats, your description of how it feels to be in someone else’s home is exactly how I feel! I had no idea anyone else felt this way besides me!

It's been this way for me all my life and I never knew either that I wasn't alone in feeling this way until
I got my diagnosis at age 58.
As I started reading the traits and joined this forum, I found others feel the same and especially for those with ASD. Nts may feel it too, but, not to the extent we do.

I never cared for sleep overs with other kids growing up.
It has always been very uncomfortable to have others in my space or for me to be staying in their space.
Thus another reason I lived with my parents all my life.
I was comfortable.

Now I am either lonely and depressed alone or uncomfortable living with someone else as I am doing currently.
I live with this uncomfortableness everyone is speaking of everyday now.
Home is a feeling I can't go to anymore.

So, that being said, my question is this:
How did you feel comfortable enough to live with someone to start with?
Those who speak of visiting children and grandchildren must have started with living with someone
at the beginning. Partner/husband/wife.
It's something I never felt or could understand.

Any insight into how to do this would be appreciated as I feel I will always feel this being in prison
discomfort with anyone I live with.

 

[Suzanne]

I can barely read it all, because I am the exact same. It is a nightmare even to pop in a say hi and my husband is a BIG advocate for that. Oh, we are near such and such, lets pop in and I shrink in my seat and say: nooo, I can't. Or, take me home and then you can go and he will say: if I can't go with my wife, I won't go at all.

Equally hate random visitors. I must have prior warning; not because of doing anything bad; just so I can get my "mask" on, so to speak.

 

[Major Tom]

I have a lot of the same problems, but the biggest challenge for me is sleeping in someone else's house. I'd rather pitch a tent in their back yard haha. It is seriously near to impossible to sleep at someone else's house.

 

[Mary Lyn]

This is something I have such a problem with. I always have but never knew why before my diagnosis. But my brother especially. He lives in Arizona and has even offered to pay for my ticket to fly out and visit him and his wife. I'm not even comfortable around them in my own setting.

But when I have to stay with someone (even one of my kids) it's soooo hard. They don't have the kinds of food on hand that I eat. They watch things on tv that I have no interest in. I don't feel free enough to even walk across the room to get something to drink. I even have a hard time making myself move enough to get up and go to the bathroom. My younger son has a tendency to stand at his counter when I stop by and talk so I don't feel free to sit and my back hurts so bad by the time I leave. Any other person's home I feel like I'm in prison having to go by their schedule and their whatever. And I never know how to leave.

I have spent a week with my daughters after they've had a baby and I help. I'm not comfortable but I do it for them. When I was living in Ga and knew it'd be a month before I got back it was really hard to say goodbye. I start getting tearful just thinking about having to leave them and when I got to that point it wasn't going to go away so I'd just have to go ahead and leave. I preferred leaving before anyone got up and then spend the following week at home crying about it.

But as hard as it always was and is leaving my kids, it's hard staying with them. They want me there and make sure I know how appreciated I am, but I just can't get comfortable. I hate that about myself.

hey, why don't you stay in a hotel? You can find some reason without hurting feelings why it is necessary surely.

 

[Mr Allen]

I don't have a problem with it, unless they're anti-social and I don't even get offered a coffee

 

[LearnedCoward]

They don't have the kinds of food on hand that I eat. They watch things on tv that I have no interest in. I don't feel free enough to even walk across the room to get something to drink.

Yep. Just as long as there's fresh veggies and some flour, I can make a decent meal, but I feel like I'm imposing, so I don't. Also, it's fairly surprising to me how many people don't keep basic foodstuffs on hand. They don't have fresh veggies and flour. They have one expired egg and a half a bottle of ketchup, for example, or eleventyone different types of bread and cheese but literally nothing else, or their entire fridge is full of beer. Yes, I've encountered these situations while staying at different people's homes.

The TV situation is another thing. It's not just stuff I have no interest in, but they automatically put whatever they want to watch on TV and then blare it at top volume. So, I can't really ignore it or read a book or whatever if it's screaming loud. And it's not like I'm saying I'm the guest so we have to do whatever I want all the time, but they could at least ask me before just doing whatever it is they were going to do. It feels good to be asked, because then they're acknowledging my presence and not ignoring me.

That's difficult - perhaps a walk outside to take fresh air and exercise might help and give you some alone time.

I did this the last time I stayed with people. It was double digits below zero (Fahrenheit!) and I still had to go out for a walk to clear my head. My beard was frozen solid by the time I came back inside.

I can't relax and be myself until I'm home. I'd rather stay in a hotel, spend the day visiting, then come back to the room and decompress.

Yep. It's a lot easier that way, but also way more expensive.

It must be universally stressful trying to fit into an alien environment like someone else's home, no matter how much you love them.

That's the problem. It gets very stressful when you have two people, or two groups of people, trying not to step all over each other, and trying to live their lives as unimpeded as possible but while not completely ignoring the guest or host. That would be frustrating for anyone, but it gets especially frustrating if you lack the social skills to be able to navigate that situation appropriately.