Victim blaming sucks

[Metalhead]

Yesterday, when I went to work, I got sent home because I was clearly very tired. The reason I was very tired was because my neighbors were lighting up firecrackers all night every night during the three day weekend, especially on the night of the 4th.

When I told somebody in my 12-step program about this, he told me that I chose to be tired when I went to work and that I was being irresponsible, that I should have seen if I could have slept somewhere other than my place, that it was 1000% my fault I was so tired yesterday at work, that I was choosing to fall asleep standing up.

I suppose his next step would be to tell me I should make amends to the people shooting off firecrackers all night on the 4th. I did have one sponsor in this fellowship tell me I had a responsibility to make my amends to the people who sexually abused me when I was a child, after all.

Some people suck.

 

[BrokenBoy]

You should threaten your rapist with physical violence if they ever come into your eyesight again. Maybe they'll leave ya alone.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Yesterday, when I went to work, I got sent home because I was clearly very tired. The reason I was very tired was because my neighbors were lighting up firecrackers all night every night during the three day weekend, especially on the night of the 4th.

When I told somebody in my 12-step program about this, he told me that I chose to be tired when I went to work and that I was being irresponsible, that I should have seen if I could have slept somewhere other than my place, that it was 1000% my fault I was so tired yesterday at work, that I was choosing to fall asleep standing up.

I suppose his next step would be to tell me I should make amends to the people shooting off firecrackers all night on the 4th. I did have one sponsor in this fellowship tell me I had a responsibility to make my amends to the people who sexually abused me when I was a child, after all.

Some people suck.

I think this attitude or way of thinking is a result of a combination of a lack of understanding context, perspective, empathy,...and of course,...the Dunning-Kruger phenomenon. Yes,...people like this,...with limited intellect,...and don't know it,...suck.

The kernel of truth is that we are and should be responsible for ourselves and our actions. However, the missing part of this thought is that there are times when the logistics and the realities of a particular situation (context and perspective) that influence the end result may not be controlled.

It sort of reminds me of a famous quote from boxing legend, Mike Tyson, when he said, "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face." How many top-level boxers did all the training, planning, coming into the fight thoroughly convinced and confident they were going to be victorious over Mike Tyson,...and then ended up lying on the canvas in less than 2 minutes into the fight. The Dunning-Kruger phenomenon,...they didn't know what they didn't know,...and it ended very badly for them.

The bottom line is that we can only prepare for situations that we are aware of,...in ways that we are aware of. In some cases, it works,...in some cases, it doesn't.
So next year,...people around you will be setting off fireworks again. What did you learn this year,...what might you do differently?

BTW, I can totally relate to this situation, as our neighborhood goes "all out" with home firework displays,...we've got a farmer's hay field next to our neighborhood and they set off the really big ones,...not to mention all the little, end-of-the-driveway displays on top of it. My wife and I are in healthcare,...no holidays there,...we've got to be up at 4:30am to go to work,...we need our sleep,...and our house is just shaking from the big explosions.

Take care,...I think you just got caught up in a conversation with a few people that had a limited ability to understand the situation.

 

[Aspychata]

Simply say, what a great idea, and what hotel will you pay for me to stay in, l prefer a gym and a pool. Some nerve. Everybody has an opinion, but they don't pay your rent or your paycheck, and won't come to your funeral. Take your opinion that l should stay in a hotel and shove it. Lol

 

[Thinx]

Yes this person wasn't helpful. However I do wonder if we can get used to being disempowered. The point to what he said that I do like, is that if you look for and find a solution you don't end up feeling like a victim. Sometimes that's possible, and I think you do achieve that sometimes.

Finding a friend with a bed they can offer us is difficult for sure, especially these times of covid, and especially for us with our communication muddles sometimes, however you are more in charge of yourself and your life if you don't get sent home from work. But every situation is different.

Hope you feel better now.

 

[tree]

You should threaten your rapist with physical violence if they ever come into your eyesight again. Maybe they'll leave ya alone.

While that could be psychologically satisfying,
threatening physical violence would be a less
than judicious approach toward resolution.

As unfair as it may seem, an adult who makes
threats of that nature can be charged with a
crime.

 

[Alaric593]

Yesterday, when I went to work, I got sent home because I was clearly very tired. The reason I was very tired was because my neighbors were lighting up firecrackers all night every night during the three day weekend, especially on the night of the 4th.

When I told somebody in my 12-step program about this, he told me that I chose to be tired when I went to work and that I was being irresponsible, that I should have seen if I could have slept somewhere other than my place, that it was 1000% my fault I was so tired yesterday at work, that I was choosing to fall asleep standing up.

I suppose his next step would be to tell me I should make amends to the people shooting off firecrackers all night on the 4th. I did have one sponsor in this fellowship tell me I had a responsibility to make my amends to the people who sexually abused me when I was a child, after all.

Some people suck.

I don't even know what to say to the latter part. I would find a different group because that's just nonsense. But if there isn't one I understand why you're still there.

I'm all for what amounts to forgiveness of others even when they don't deserve it for our own sanity. But forgiveness doesn't actually require the other party being involved. That's a personal choice to not allow those who've harmed us to continue to run our lives.

But making amends with them is just nonsense. That expects you to go to them and tell them you forgive them. If anything it should be the other way around. But I don't think they should be alive to make amends with after a fair trial imo.

I can agree to a certain extent with the you could have taken steps to get better sleep though.

But I understand why you're skeptical of that advice given the latter advice is just ridiculous. I have noise canceling headphones at the ready at all times for situations like that.

Sorry people can be ridiculous.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Noise pollution is a crime for which no adequate law exists yet. The average person vastly underestimates or shows absolute apathy to the harm they cause through it. It doesn't surprise me in the slightest it was handwaved away yet again.

 

[Metalhead]

You should threaten your rapist with physical violence if they ever come into your eyesight again. Maybe they'll leave ya alone.

Well, seeing as my aunt and uncle have turned the rest of the family against me by claiming I have hurt their feelings in the past (which was nothing but lies), I do not think threatening them with direct violence is a good idea since they will get off on the pity points it would earn them.

 

[Alaric593]

I think this attitude or way of thinking is a result of a combination of a lack of understanding context, perspective, empathy,...and of course,...the Dunning-Kruger phenomenon. Yes,...people like this,...with limited intellect,...and don't know it,...suck.

The kernel of truth is that we are and should be responsible for ourselves and our actions. However, the missing part of this thought is that there are times when the logistics and the realities of a particular situation (context and perspective) that influence the end result may not be controlled.

It sort of reminds me of a famous quote from boxing legend, Mike Tyson, when he said, "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face." How many top-level boxers did all the training, planning, coming into the fight thoroughly convinced and confident they were going to be victorious over Mike Tyson,...and then ended up lying on the canvas in less than 2 minutes into the fight. The Dunning-Kruger phenomenon,...they didn't know what they didn't know,...and it ended very badly for them.

The bottom line is that we can only prepare for situations that we are aware of,...in ways that we are aware of. In some cases, it works,...in some cases, it doesn't.
So next year,...people around you will be setting off fireworks again. What did you learn this year,...what might you do differently?

BTW, I can totally relate to this situation, as our neighborhood goes "all out" with home firework displays,...we've got a farmer's hay field next to our neighborhood and they set off the really big ones,...not to mention all the little, end-of-the-driveway displays on top of it. My wife and I are in healthcare,...no holidays there,...we've got to be up at 4:30am to go to work,...we need our sleep,...and our house is just shaking from the big explosions.

Take care,...I think you just got caught up in a conversation with a few people that had a limited ability to understand the situation.

"No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy" Helmuth von Moltke

 

[Alaric593]

Maybe by amends, they mean neutralize with extreme prejudice.

I hope so.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I know exactly how it feels to be victim shamed. I was victim shamed throughout high school for being bullied and sexually assaulted and I have written proof of this too. The assessment that was written about me to see if I needed special education said all of the bullying was of “[my] own doing” which is completely false. It was even written down that I wouldn’t leave the class where I kept being sexually assaulted until everyone else had left or sat in a certain area of a cafeteria because I didn’t feel safe. That should have raised major red flags considering I specifically said that I did this to feel safe. I showed this recently to my caseworker and she was horrified at how the school psychologist kept victim shaming me and acting as if I were the problem even though I was exhibiting serious signs of PTSD and that I clearly said that I didn’t feel safe at school which is something no one says for absolutely no reason at all and the paper kept mentioning the woman who helped my dad raise me and what she said which a lot of those things were made up by her.

 

[Fino]

Ear plugs, ear muffs, etc.?

 

[Au Naturel]

Yesterday, when I went to work, I got sent home because I was clearly very tired. The reason I was very tired was because my neighbors were lighting up firecrackers all night every night during the three day weekend, especially on the night of the 4th.

When I told somebody in my 12-step program about this, he told me that I chose to be tired when I went to work and that I was being irresponsible, that I should have seen if I could have slept somewhere other than my place, that it was 1000% my fault I was so tired yesterday at work, that I was choosing to fall asleep standing up.

I suppose his next step would be to tell me I should make amends to the people shooting off firecrackers all night on the 4th. I did have one sponsor in this fellowship tell me I had a responsibility to make my amends to the people who sexually abused me when I was a child, after all.

Some people suck.

These people are not good people. But you have to figure that the other people in your 12 step are just as screwed up as you are, maybe worse. That includes whoever is running the show.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I suppose his next step would be to tell me I should make amends to the people shooting off firecrackers all night on the 4th. I did have one sponsor in this fellowship tell me I had a responsibility to make my amends to the people who sexually abused me when I was a child, after all. Some people suck.

It sounds like the 12 steps have been misconstrued here. I am sorry to see that because the program does not work when steps are not worked through. I would go back to the steps and follow those and not the misguided opinions of people who have clearly missed the boat.

Something like: Made a list of all the people we have harmed and became willing to make amends...

And

Made direct amends unless it would hurt them or others.

Nowhere does it say to make amends to people who have harmed you. (Forgiveness is another matter entirely. Forgiving someone who has sexually abused you or committed some other offense against you is probably not something to tackle in the early stages of stopping an addiction.)

From what I have read, you are working hard on the first three steps and not picking up that first drink. That is enough for you right now. Saddling you with misguided "victim blaming" talk seems to me inappropriate. I would ignore it.

We cannot anticipate all that life throws at us.

You are not to blame for the actions of others.

 

[D'Andre]

Yesterday, when I went to work, I got sent home because I was clearly very tired. The reason I was very tired was because my neighbors were lighting up firecrackers all night every night during the three day weekend, especially on the night of the 4th.

When I told somebody in my 12-step program about this, he told me that I chose to be tired when I went to work and that I was being irresponsible, that I should have seen if I could have slept somewhere other than my place, that it was 1000% my fault I was so tired yesterday at work, that I was choosing to fall asleep standing up.

I suppose his next step would be to tell me I should make amends to the people shooting off firecrackers all night on the 4th. I did have one sponsor in this fellowship tell me I had a responsibility to make my amends to the people who sexually abused me when I was a child, after all.

Some people suck.

You never should have to see your abuser again. That's your choice. Forgiveness is also for yourself, not forget...forgive. As for the fire crack situation, sometimes people with a measure of authority think whatever they say will sound smart