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Very little need for contact while in a relationship

K

Klara

Active Member
Hi guys! :)

I'll be very glad if you could help me. My question is: do people on the spectrum of autism experience smaller need for maintaining contact with a partner?

I'm a bit confused, because my partner doesn't act like a "typical" person in love - at least not in a way that I am used to. He doesn't feel the need to text me or call me on regular basis, I think he could go for a few days with no contact and be okay with it. Also we meet like only once a week and it's not like we are really busy people. This is strange for me, because we are in relationship for a month (but were buddies for years now) and there is a genuine, loving connection between us when we meet and I feel like he is as much in love as I am when I see him.

I am really hurt by this situation but at the same time I want to understand him.

He was never diagnosed or anything, but there are few things that made me wondering, if he isn't in the spectrum. I care about him very much and I want to "make my research" before the conversation with him.

Can you help me?
 
Think sometimes we can feel threatened by really close contact. Especially if there is an abusive past. If you really care for someone - l think you just respect their terms. But l have been in an extremely abusive relationship and l tend to be very cautious. Perhaps you can talk about your feelings and air this out with them. Think people on the spectrum go about relationships differently then a NT relationship perhaps?
If there is strong feelings, some of us just turn into turtles because it feels safe. Lol It's not personal. Maybe they have a need to feel independent even though they see you? Hope this doesn't confuse you more.
 
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Hi Klara!
Personally, I don't express my love to someone by texting him all the time and spam someone with heart emojis: I prefer to show my interest by listening closely to what someone is talking about and remember his statements and opinions so I can refer to it later in another conversation. I learned that people appreciate it a lot if you remember their words over a long time, and it's a useful tool to express my feelings to someone as I'm not that good in showing strong emotions. So I'd say I do have the same need for love & contact but I do not show this necessarily with constant chatting but more in (more or less rare but) intensive direct contact. But I can only speak for myself, not the whole spectrum!

I'd suggest to ask him directly why he feels like he doesn't need to text or to see you more. He might just never have thought of that because he's not aware that you have that need. I'm sure he's able to express his love to you, maybe just in a atypical manner.

I'm sure that if he feels that you are trying to understand him, he'll "return" this effort by trying to understand your point of view too and therefore be willing to make compromises.

I hope I could help you a bit and I wish you two all the best!
 
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Darwin said:
Is that the only atypical thing he does? You will need to tell us more about him.
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Oh no, there is more to it. He experiences big problems with talking about emotions - it's like he's acting upon some script "how people should behave when sb experience sadness/anger etc" also he can not talk about his own feelings, he sais he sometimes just don't uderstand them. I have never seen him being spontaneus, like everything needs to be rationally planned for him.
 
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Klara said:
Oh no, there is more to it. He experiences big problems with talking about emotions - it's like he's acting upon some script "how people should behave when sb experience sadness/anger etc" also he can not talk about his own feelings, he sais he sometimes just don't uderstand them. I have never seen him being spontaneus, like everything needs to be rationally planned for him.
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Yes, it does sound like autism. If you just want to do a “research” about what he may have, I can help you. There are 5 criteria that must be met for someone to be diagnosed with autism. Check the attachments.
 
Darwin said:
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Yes, it does sound like autism. If you just want to do a “research” about what he may have, I can help you. There are 5 criteria that must be met for someone to be diagnosed with autism. Check the attachments.
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Could you be more specific. Lol Thanks for posting this. Think it's even more confusing if both are possibly on the spectrum, because l don't want to intrude no matter how much l really like him. There needs to be a lot of patience on both sides and understanding.
 
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BTW, I'm an Aspie and so is my husband. On Saturdays, we can go off into our separate work spaces and not speak for hours. Then we come out and talk or prepare a meal or watch television together. That is normal for us.
 
There is NO normal in relationships just what feels balanced and ‘loving’ by all means try to understand but perhaps don’t expand to much energy doing all the understanding and accommodations it may be a recipe for trouble co dependency and heartache.
 
Aspychata said:
Could you be more specific. Lol Thanks for posting this. Think it's even more confusing if both are possibly on the spectrum, because l don't want to intrude no matter how much l really like him. There needs to be a lot of patience on both sides and understanding.
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I agree. But taking a step towards understanding the partner is good tho, instead of just giving up on him.
 
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Thank you for your responses so far guys - I really appreciate them!
garnetflower13 said:
What do you like about him? What made you feel attracted to him?
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Oh, haha I didn't expect such question :) I love about him that he is such a vulnerable type, he always tries to emphatize with people, rarely judges them. He's got the biggest heart. Also there is always fun with him beacause he is sooo passionate about things he cares about (and is SOOO hilarious at the same time - sometimes I cry from laughter when I'm with him), we can talk for hours and it feels like it was just couple of minutes.
 
garnetflower13 said:
BTW, I'm an Aspie and so is my husband. On Saturdays, we can go off into our separate work spaces and not speak for hours. Then we come out and talk or prepare a meal or watch television together. That is normal for us.
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It's nice because neither one of you is feels threatened by this. It's just taking care of business as usual. When l first lived with my ex, l would go to a different room because l needed my space. He actually would come in to see what l was doing. Later he learned it wasn't necessary to see what l was doing.
 
Is he asexual? A lot of the behavior seen in romantic relationships is largely driven by sexual desire. If he has less or no sexual desire, it would make sense to see less of this sort of behavior.
 
Fino said:
Is he asexual? A lot of the behavior seen in romantic relationships is largely driven by sexual desire. If he has less or no sexual desire, it would make sense to see less of this sort of behavior.
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I was married for 18 years and little to zero bedroom. But we liked each other's companionship (until it was completely toxic)so l may disagree with this, but l always enjoy reading your comments.
 
Fino said:
Is he asexual? A lot of the behavior seen in romantic relationships is largely driven by sexual desire. If he has less or no sexual desire, it would make sense to see less of this sort of behavior.
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I didn't know if I should write this or not - yes, he is in the "gray zone" of asexuality. But I've never thought that this is connected to this plain "romantic" stuff! O.O
 
I don’t think they are related. Asexuality might be because someone doesn’t like touching or because they were probably abused in some way earlier, but so long as there is not touching, there is not a reason to not just chat.
 
Did you check the criteria? If they describe him, it may help to understand why he does that.
 
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