Hi folks.
I kinda jumped the gun on another thread since I was linked to it from a search result. Seems appropriate to past some of that here as a formal intro thread.
I am 54 and have lived as a hermit for the last 15 years.
I do feel very fortunate though regarding the degree to which I suffer compared to many others. At least nowadays anyway - life was much tougher when I was younger.
When I was young I was always awkward, especially with girls/women. This was a problem at the time because I yearned for close connection, like we do. But I was so bad at it and it just seemed to get worse - because worrying about past failure doesn't help later attempts, right? I could have done OK maybe as I wasn't blatantly unattractive and showed a promising future as a "provider" since I did great in high school. For me, high school was not a problem because though I didn't do well at all socially, I was smart and interested so I just focused on the work at hand. College was a different story and though I learned things, I floundered eventually.
Out of high school I dove pretty deep into music in college. I studied it pretty intensely and became a very good player. I even taught private lessons for quite a while afterward, which was doable since it's 1-on-1 interaction rather than a class. It still left me pretty frazzled by day's end, but it was doable. I dabbled with playing professionally too, but the scene was always clubs and the music was loud. I just couldn't take it. Eventually I left all that behind and got into a mechanical trade which has worked out much better. It's a good fit for my personality. Technical, solitary and detail oriented. I'm very fortunate with my job choice. I haven't missed the musician scene whatsoever.
It was always amazing to me how most people had longtime close friends which started in early grade school. I have one friend who's been there for a couple decades... for some reason... but that's pretty much it. Otherwise it's been "decent" friendships which eventually just fade out.
Anyway over the decades I've had a couple girlfriends (one for 2 years and a couple for several months), but they went adrift and ended. That's about it.
As you get older, the yearning for love and intimacy diminishes some so it eventually became easy enough to just give up on expecting it and learn to accept that being a loner is probably just my lot in life. There was some relief from that because rather than living a lie, wearing a mask and trying to imitate people in my life I admired (an uncomfortable and fruitless endeavor), being "myself" was simpler and less unnatural. These past 15 years I would describe myself as "alone" but not really "lonely". I just shut down those feelings of loneliness along with the rest of it.
But recently I met a woman with a sweetness and honesty that made me want to try again. I eventually figured out that being in a loving relationship would seem to be an important possibility for a more meaningful life, i.e. reciprocal responsibility to someone (and her grown children) other than myself. We've been on a few dates, but of course I can't read signs and I've been around long enough that I know there have been signs o' plenty on display. It's frustrating to know this and not be able to see it, but I tried to just communicate in words as best I could and fish for verbal replies to which I can adjust my actions.
Long story longer, in the process of researching dating at my age (of COURSE an aspie would do that!) I ran across some tangent website or video which described AS, then another, then another, etc. I realized that I tick nearly every box on every list I found. And I feel like a total moron that it took me so long to consider it, especially since, as aspies often are, I have a very high I.Q., or at least I used to (I saw my IQ when I was 18 but I.Q. diminishes over time). The only "atypical" behaviors I seem to have (or lack I guess) because I have worked through in all these years is that 1) I have found rewarding employment that is a good fit and 2) I actually enjoy conversation with one or two people at a time. I don't necessarily seek it out but I don't resist it like I did when I was younger, though I still feel varying levels of fatigue afterward whether in person or via phone call. I'm not good at nor enjoy light chitchat, but once past that point I actually think I'm pretty good at conversation, but then again I might be the last to know on that score so...
It seems crystal clear to me that I'm an aspie. For dog's sake, I'm 54 and barely ever experienced a close relationship with a woman even though I at least used to strongly want that all the time. That almost seems evidence enough even if all the other boxes weren't ticked. But I digress. Likely just the knowing could help at least some. For example, I have anxiety often and always have (to varying degrees during different phases in my life). All this time I figured the anxiety just came out of nowhere since to me it always seemed like it. But now it seems clear just quickly flipping through my trash truck of memories, that there is a direct connection between many (all?) of my worst anxious times and the socially stressful events preceding them. Now that I'm pretty sure the anxiety has a tangible cause, I might be able to navigate my days better. Fortunately I haven't had much of a problem with long-term depression since my late 20's.
I'm not sure it would help me at my age to get a formal diagnosis. So I will likely remain "self-diagnosed" from here on. I just doubt there is any benefit from getting a formal diagnosis at this point (unless I'm missing something). I'm trudging through life OK and it mostly affects my personal life, so not much help I can get from any agencies or the like. Though I do plan on talking to a therapist about it at least a bit.
Anyway, just last night I explained to my date that I'm 95% sure I am AS. I might should have hesitated a bit on that. I was not exactly "excited" to realize what this is myself, but it did seem an evident explanation for why I am the way I am. But I was relieved and pleased to learn that maybe through the understanding, I might be a bit better equipped and prepared to navigate pretty much through every day. Anyway, my date's reaction was confusion and maybe a bit of repulsion. I don't think she'd heard much, if any, about Asperger's before. It's difficult to tell of course because I'm AS dammit! But I'm pretty sure it wasn't sitting well with her. Afterward my brain was all locked up in the worry and everything afterward was awkward. I got a couple medium-nice kisses (whatever that is - hey I dunno either kids, I'm wingin' it here) during the evening, but I still don't think it ended well, nor do I think it's going to get any better. I should have just shut my trap and continued to try to work through it like I have to do in everything else.
Oh well. If it doesn't work out I guess I was reasonably content with being alone anyway. Only time will tell whether this works out, and if it doesn't, if I will try again or not. Probably not.
But in the end, it's helpful to find that others of a like mind are here to talk to.
BTW, is being verbose part of the package?
apologies.
I kinda jumped the gun on another thread since I was linked to it from a search result. Seems appropriate to past some of that here as a formal intro thread.
I am 54 and have lived as a hermit for the last 15 years.
I do feel very fortunate though regarding the degree to which I suffer compared to many others. At least nowadays anyway - life was much tougher when I was younger.
When I was young I was always awkward, especially with girls/women. This was a problem at the time because I yearned for close connection, like we do. But I was so bad at it and it just seemed to get worse - because worrying about past failure doesn't help later attempts, right? I could have done OK maybe as I wasn't blatantly unattractive and showed a promising future as a "provider" since I did great in high school. For me, high school was not a problem because though I didn't do well at all socially, I was smart and interested so I just focused on the work at hand. College was a different story and though I learned things, I floundered eventually.
Out of high school I dove pretty deep into music in college. I studied it pretty intensely and became a very good player. I even taught private lessons for quite a while afterward, which was doable since it's 1-on-1 interaction rather than a class. It still left me pretty frazzled by day's end, but it was doable. I dabbled with playing professionally too, but the scene was always clubs and the music was loud. I just couldn't take it. Eventually I left all that behind and got into a mechanical trade which has worked out much better. It's a good fit for my personality. Technical, solitary and detail oriented. I'm very fortunate with my job choice. I haven't missed the musician scene whatsoever.
It was always amazing to me how most people had longtime close friends which started in early grade school. I have one friend who's been there for a couple decades... for some reason... but that's pretty much it. Otherwise it's been "decent" friendships which eventually just fade out.
Anyway over the decades I've had a couple girlfriends (one for 2 years and a couple for several months), but they went adrift and ended. That's about it.
As you get older, the yearning for love and intimacy diminishes some so it eventually became easy enough to just give up on expecting it and learn to accept that being a loner is probably just my lot in life. There was some relief from that because rather than living a lie, wearing a mask and trying to imitate people in my life I admired (an uncomfortable and fruitless endeavor), being "myself" was simpler and less unnatural. These past 15 years I would describe myself as "alone" but not really "lonely". I just shut down those feelings of loneliness along with the rest of it.
But recently I met a woman with a sweetness and honesty that made me want to try again. I eventually figured out that being in a loving relationship would seem to be an important possibility for a more meaningful life, i.e. reciprocal responsibility to someone (and her grown children) other than myself. We've been on a few dates, but of course I can't read signs and I've been around long enough that I know there have been signs o' plenty on display. It's frustrating to know this and not be able to see it, but I tried to just communicate in words as best I could and fish for verbal replies to which I can adjust my actions.
Long story longer, in the process of researching dating at my age (of COURSE an aspie would do that!) I ran across some tangent website or video which described AS, then another, then another, etc. I realized that I tick nearly every box on every list I found. And I feel like a total moron that it took me so long to consider it, especially since, as aspies often are, I have a very high I.Q., or at least I used to (I saw my IQ when I was 18 but I.Q. diminishes over time). The only "atypical" behaviors I seem to have (or lack I guess) because I have worked through in all these years is that 1) I have found rewarding employment that is a good fit and 2) I actually enjoy conversation with one or two people at a time. I don't necessarily seek it out but I don't resist it like I did when I was younger, though I still feel varying levels of fatigue afterward whether in person or via phone call. I'm not good at nor enjoy light chitchat, but once past that point I actually think I'm pretty good at conversation, but then again I might be the last to know on that score so...
It seems crystal clear to me that I'm an aspie. For dog's sake, I'm 54 and barely ever experienced a close relationship with a woman even though I at least used to strongly want that all the time. That almost seems evidence enough even if all the other boxes weren't ticked. But I digress. Likely just the knowing could help at least some. For example, I have anxiety often and always have (to varying degrees during different phases in my life). All this time I figured the anxiety just came out of nowhere since to me it always seemed like it. But now it seems clear just quickly flipping through my trash truck of memories, that there is a direct connection between many (all?) of my worst anxious times and the socially stressful events preceding them. Now that I'm pretty sure the anxiety has a tangible cause, I might be able to navigate my days better. Fortunately I haven't had much of a problem with long-term depression since my late 20's.
I'm not sure it would help me at my age to get a formal diagnosis. So I will likely remain "self-diagnosed" from here on. I just doubt there is any benefit from getting a formal diagnosis at this point (unless I'm missing something). I'm trudging through life OK and it mostly affects my personal life, so not much help I can get from any agencies or the like. Though I do plan on talking to a therapist about it at least a bit.
Anyway, just last night I explained to my date that I'm 95% sure I am AS. I might should have hesitated a bit on that. I was not exactly "excited" to realize what this is myself, but it did seem an evident explanation for why I am the way I am. But I was relieved and pleased to learn that maybe through the understanding, I might be a bit better equipped and prepared to navigate pretty much through every day. Anyway, my date's reaction was confusion and maybe a bit of repulsion. I don't think she'd heard much, if any, about Asperger's before. It's difficult to tell of course because I'm AS dammit! But I'm pretty sure it wasn't sitting well with her. Afterward my brain was all locked up in the worry and everything afterward was awkward. I got a couple medium-nice kisses (whatever that is - hey I dunno either kids, I'm wingin' it here) during the evening, but I still don't think it ended well, nor do I think it's going to get any better. I should have just shut my trap and continued to try to work through it like I have to do in everything else.
Oh well. If it doesn't work out I guess I was reasonably content with being alone anyway. Only time will tell whether this works out, and if it doesn't, if I will try again or not. Probably not.
But in the end, it's helpful to find that others of a like mind are here to talk to.
BTW, is being verbose part of the package?
apologies.
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