Azul
Active Member
Long story short, I have reasons to believe one teacher used pejorative labels for me for months, indirectly, and also done other forms of subtle provocation.
I have suffered greatly this year because of that, but finally I don't have to see this person anymore.
I took some courage and called out her insensitiveness as politely as I could. Some people didn't like that, and she herself unsurprisingly pretended to not understand me, even if she understood it previously, when I spoke with her privately.
But finally, after letting out what I felt, I feel in a strange position where I can forgive her. I'm unaware if this is a defence mechanism, but I've grow to either like/empathize or identify myself with the person who were bullying me - ironically. I noticed as time passed that she isolated herself from social gatherings and preferred to enjoy herself quietly. Also that she has a flat affect. The only expressions I ever noticed of hers were of smiling to other people, being surprised and then showing me disdain. She also didn't look into my eyes, but so I didn't look into hers. She's good with words, something people tell me sometimes I'm also good with it (that is, if I could prepare before, if not I'm a confuse mess). As much as it pains me (still) remembering her look of disdain or disgust when she interacted with me, I think I identified with her and semi-automatically started liking her, even if I'm stricken by anger when I sometimes am in her presence.
To make it weirder, I once felt a platonic attraction. I'm not lesbian, but if I were I might have been sexually attracted to her.
I think she's inconsiderate in what she has done, and that she felt angered and hurt when I (correctly, in my mind) showed how apart were her discourse and her actual actions. Simply put, it were hypocritical. And I believe, due to a series of misunderstandings beginning with another person who is a liar (the typical snake), she understood many things wich I did or said wrongly. While I don't think her actions were acceptable, I suppose and sort of understand if she felt angered by all of it, specially my criticism, because it seems to be a core belief of hers the belief in her absolute ethical behaviour. Now that I don't have to suffer her shades anymore, it is easier to see it as just a failure, even if a greatly damaging failure, of an otherwise well intended and caring teacher.
It's a pity. If she didn't dislike me so strongly it might have been a good relationship.
I'm in a weird dilemma of disregarding her as just an insensitive bully or of lamenting a person I would otherwise remember fondly of.
And to my chagrin, my superstitious brain half who insists in believing in some sort of spiritual sensing or intuition of people and realities makes me have hope that one day all will be resolved and some good and dandy term might be reached. To wich my rational and bitterly cynical other half side of my brain reproaches as senseless and unnecessary lengthening of suffering.
Most likely, she either deeply hates me now or is happy she won't have to see me anymore.
But at the very least I'm not walking on aches as before. Now to wait for them to cool off (and for me to stop ruminating).
(The indirect labeling hurt deeply.
They were about being an acritical complainer, inferior to the other true critical students, and later a student with peter pan syndrome, who would become a professional "more of the less".
The "complainer" label were repeated through a whole bimester and really stung. I've received labels in life sometimes, for arguing, for reasoning, questioning. Stuff like "full of herself", "petulant", "rebel", "only sees in black and white", "annoying", "dumb" and probably others I'm forgetting, not to say other hostilities, like suffering scorn, being bullied, being threatened physical aggression and others. All due to simple epistemological disagreements.
Even if purely generic, "complainer" is also an ad hominem attack, since it diminishes and disregards what one might say because the person complaining is, after all, a complainer, lesser and emptly defiant. It works wonderfully and perversely as a preemptive silencing tactic. If one arbitrarily decides who is the true critic and who is merely the complainer, he gets to choose who gets heard or muted, who maintains social status and who loses it. "Stigmatized, shunned and sanctioned", indeed, borrowing from the paper of Milton Damian.
That a teacher, of all social positions, would explicitly offend me and falsely gossip (the snake) or indirectly label me as a complainer for questioning a grade (the bully I speak of), specially when these teachers themselves were the noisiest about emancipatory education, were a sour surprise and showed me how hypocrite and unprepared they were to deal with disagreements.
It might be they simply don't give the true value to those principles as they say they do, or perhaps they were unprepared to deal with actual epistemic conflict, and thus angered themselves when I insisted on reasoning. I could write an essay on why and where all probably have gone wrong.
The fact is, even if they didn't know how to deal with it, I felt deeply to be much likely called by them, of all people, someone who is lesser and whose words are empty noise, unvaluable.
Not to make a big discourse on education but a commentary, but I believe a teacher must be prepared to deal with any kind of epistemic conflict, even if apparently meaningless, because it is never meaningless. Treating the other with respect, ethics and intellectual rigour, even in the face of vast cultural differences or unbridged disagreements, is a dialogical principle worthy in itself, as minor the subject matter might seem, and, as such, an educational principle they should have upheld.
And while it were all indirect, I think there's sufficient explicit information for me to infer with a degree of certainty what the repeated and unusual "complainer" rethoric refers to, moreso when she actively ignored or silenced any criticism I made, all of them about the lack of logical fundaments and possible harmful effects of her rethoric.)
Rant finally over, I like her and I wish we could just bridge our misunderstandings, even if probably not possible anymore.
I have suffered greatly this year because of that, but finally I don't have to see this person anymore.
I took some courage and called out her insensitiveness as politely as I could. Some people didn't like that, and she herself unsurprisingly pretended to not understand me, even if she understood it previously, when I spoke with her privately.
But finally, after letting out what I felt, I feel in a strange position where I can forgive her. I'm unaware if this is a defence mechanism, but I've grow to either like/empathize or identify myself with the person who were bullying me - ironically. I noticed as time passed that she isolated herself from social gatherings and preferred to enjoy herself quietly. Also that she has a flat affect. The only expressions I ever noticed of hers were of smiling to other people, being surprised and then showing me disdain. She also didn't look into my eyes, but so I didn't look into hers. She's good with words, something people tell me sometimes I'm also good with it (that is, if I could prepare before, if not I'm a confuse mess). As much as it pains me (still) remembering her look of disdain or disgust when she interacted with me, I think I identified with her and semi-automatically started liking her, even if I'm stricken by anger when I sometimes am in her presence.
To make it weirder, I once felt a platonic attraction. I'm not lesbian, but if I were I might have been sexually attracted to her.
I think she's inconsiderate in what she has done, and that she felt angered and hurt when I (correctly, in my mind) showed how apart were her discourse and her actual actions. Simply put, it were hypocritical. And I believe, due to a series of misunderstandings beginning with another person who is a liar (the typical snake), she understood many things wich I did or said wrongly. While I don't think her actions were acceptable, I suppose and sort of understand if she felt angered by all of it, specially my criticism, because it seems to be a core belief of hers the belief in her absolute ethical behaviour. Now that I don't have to suffer her shades anymore, it is easier to see it as just a failure, even if a greatly damaging failure, of an otherwise well intended and caring teacher.
It's a pity. If she didn't dislike me so strongly it might have been a good relationship.
I'm in a weird dilemma of disregarding her as just an insensitive bully or of lamenting a person I would otherwise remember fondly of.
And to my chagrin, my superstitious brain half who insists in believing in some sort of spiritual sensing or intuition of people and realities makes me have hope that one day all will be resolved and some good and dandy term might be reached. To wich my rational and bitterly cynical other half side of my brain reproaches as senseless and unnecessary lengthening of suffering.
Most likely, she either deeply hates me now or is happy she won't have to see me anymore.
But at the very least I'm not walking on aches as before. Now to wait for them to cool off (and for me to stop ruminating).
(The indirect labeling hurt deeply.
They were about being an acritical complainer, inferior to the other true critical students, and later a student with peter pan syndrome, who would become a professional "more of the less".
The "complainer" label were repeated through a whole bimester and really stung. I've received labels in life sometimes, for arguing, for reasoning, questioning. Stuff like "full of herself", "petulant", "rebel", "only sees in black and white", "annoying", "dumb" and probably others I'm forgetting, not to say other hostilities, like suffering scorn, being bullied, being threatened physical aggression and others. All due to simple epistemological disagreements.
Even if purely generic, "complainer" is also an ad hominem attack, since it diminishes and disregards what one might say because the person complaining is, after all, a complainer, lesser and emptly defiant. It works wonderfully and perversely as a preemptive silencing tactic. If one arbitrarily decides who is the true critic and who is merely the complainer, he gets to choose who gets heard or muted, who maintains social status and who loses it. "Stigmatized, shunned and sanctioned", indeed, borrowing from the paper of Milton Damian.
That a teacher, of all social positions, would explicitly offend me and falsely gossip (the snake) or indirectly label me as a complainer for questioning a grade (the bully I speak of), specially when these teachers themselves were the noisiest about emancipatory education, were a sour surprise and showed me how hypocrite and unprepared they were to deal with disagreements.
It might be they simply don't give the true value to those principles as they say they do, or perhaps they were unprepared to deal with actual epistemic conflict, and thus angered themselves when I insisted on reasoning. I could write an essay on why and where all probably have gone wrong.
The fact is, even if they didn't know how to deal with it, I felt deeply to be much likely called by them, of all people, someone who is lesser and whose words are empty noise, unvaluable.
Not to make a big discourse on education but a commentary, but I believe a teacher must be prepared to deal with any kind of epistemic conflict, even if apparently meaningless, because it is never meaningless. Treating the other with respect, ethics and intellectual rigour, even in the face of vast cultural differences or unbridged disagreements, is a dialogical principle worthy in itself, as minor the subject matter might seem, and, as such, an educational principle they should have upheld.
And while it were all indirect, I think there's sufficient explicit information for me to infer with a degree of certainty what the repeated and unusual "complainer" rethoric refers to, moreso when she actively ignored or silenced any criticism I made, all of them about the lack of logical fundaments and possible harmful effects of her rethoric.)
Rant finally over, I like her and I wish we could just bridge our misunderstandings, even if probably not possible anymore.
