When my first marriage ended I went to live in a van...
At first, not only had my long-term relationship just ended, but I had to learn how to live in a van, and that was a steep learning curve in itself. I had to make it my 'special interest', when all I wanted to do was let go of the world and grieve for my loss. The challenge was to create routine and simplicity as quickly as possible, so that I could let go of having to think about how to live like this, and just live like this, in the present, focusing on what mattered, reflecting on the past, almost feeling like I'd been born again and was learning how to live in a whole new world.
I met a few seasoned van dwellers, who offered advice, which helped, even though I wasn't doing it like them. Once I found somewhere I could park and not have to move it unless I chose to, I would walk into town to pick up provisions, as I like to walk everywhere, loved the feeling of knowing I had a private safe space to return to that was my own, and go deeply into everything.
I did that and wrote about it and cried when necessary, then turned my attention to the teachings that I felt connected to; Eckhart Tolle being the main one, and retreated daily, for hours at a time, and I was helped by having a good supply of cannabis. A plant I had grown myself (well, two small ones to be precise) in pots under lights in the loft.
I felt almost obsessed and would go up and sit with them every day. That space became a meditation space where I would feel at peace, connect with their spirit, look at them, care about them, because I knew that at some point they would gift me with some flowers.
When they did, I felt so grateful for having achieved what I’d set out to do, because before, it required me to acquire that plant in a shady and dodgy way which I always found difficult. While I didn't agree with it being illegal, it was, so I had to become a criminal to use a plant that helped me. I didn't mind being the criminal so much, I just didn't want to be around those who were selling it just for money. I didn't know where it had been grown, under what sort of conditions. I didn't want to use a plant as part of my spiritual practice that hadn't come from good energy.
Being able to use my own plant in that van in total isolation was exactly what I needed. Where I parked, there might be two or three van dwellers who would stay the night nearby, but most moved on, they didn't like to stay in one place too long, it was like in their freedom they kept needing to move, or were searching for something but didn't know exactly what. A feeling maybe.
I didn't have to go anywhere to find that feeling. I just wanted to be exactly where I was in the present in this moment. The van was my 21st century cave, and it wasn't big so I had to be mindful in order to not bang my head, which I still did from time to time, reminding me to be more mindful.
I had access to water from the local spring, electricity was being generated by a solar panel, so my phone and laptop were always charged. I had food that I could just eat easily without cooking, and had let go of the need for refrigeration, at least until the winter when I would use an outdoor locker as an energy-free cooler. That brought cheese and yoghurt and other things back on the menu that I'd had to let go of in the warmer weather.
When my chores were done and I was ready, I would pull the blinds down, closing off the view of the sea I had out my window, put on an ET retreat, take a small puff of cannabis, and settle down for what would be a few hours of continuous focus, only really interrupted by my need to empty my bladder, which I would do outside as I was on waste ground, or if it was pouring with rain I might even do it straight out the door! But the best way was to use a plastic fruit juice bottle, and then empty it out later. I just wanted to go straight back and carry on.
Living that life for the time I did, helped me heal in a way that I don't know I would have had I been in any other situation. The van supported me. It was my home. My companion. My cave. My place of safety and sanctuary so that I could just be myself for the first time in a way I'd never been before.
At first, not only had my long-term relationship just ended, but I had to learn how to live in a van, and that was a steep learning curve in itself. I had to make it my 'special interest', when all I wanted to do was let go of the world and grieve for my loss. The challenge was to create routine and simplicity as quickly as possible, so that I could let go of having to think about how to live like this, and just live like this, in the present, focusing on what mattered, reflecting on the past, almost feeling like I'd been born again and was learning how to live in a whole new world.
I met a few seasoned van dwellers, who offered advice, which helped, even though I wasn't doing it like them. Once I found somewhere I could park and not have to move it unless I chose to, I would walk into town to pick up provisions, as I like to walk everywhere, loved the feeling of knowing I had a private safe space to return to that was my own, and go deeply into everything.
I did that and wrote about it and cried when necessary, then turned my attention to the teachings that I felt connected to; Eckhart Tolle being the main one, and retreated daily, for hours at a time, and I was helped by having a good supply of cannabis. A plant I had grown myself (well, two small ones to be precise) in pots under lights in the loft.
I felt almost obsessed and would go up and sit with them every day. That space became a meditation space where I would feel at peace, connect with their spirit, look at them, care about them, because I knew that at some point they would gift me with some flowers.
When they did, I felt so grateful for having achieved what I’d set out to do, because before, it required me to acquire that plant in a shady and dodgy way which I always found difficult. While I didn't agree with it being illegal, it was, so I had to become a criminal to use a plant that helped me. I didn't mind being the criminal so much, I just didn't want to be around those who were selling it just for money. I didn't know where it had been grown, under what sort of conditions. I didn't want to use a plant as part of my spiritual practice that hadn't come from good energy.
Being able to use my own plant in that van in total isolation was exactly what I needed. Where I parked, there might be two or three van dwellers who would stay the night nearby, but most moved on, they didn't like to stay in one place too long, it was like in their freedom they kept needing to move, or were searching for something but didn't know exactly what. A feeling maybe.
I didn't have to go anywhere to find that feeling. I just wanted to be exactly where I was in the present in this moment. The van was my 21st century cave, and it wasn't big so I had to be mindful in order to not bang my head, which I still did from time to time, reminding me to be more mindful.
I had access to water from the local spring, electricity was being generated by a solar panel, so my phone and laptop were always charged. I had food that I could just eat easily without cooking, and had let go of the need for refrigeration, at least until the winter when I would use an outdoor locker as an energy-free cooler. That brought cheese and yoghurt and other things back on the menu that I'd had to let go of in the warmer weather.
When my chores were done and I was ready, I would pull the blinds down, closing off the view of the sea I had out my window, put on an ET retreat, take a small puff of cannabis, and settle down for what would be a few hours of continuous focus, only really interrupted by my need to empty my bladder, which I would do outside as I was on waste ground, or if it was pouring with rain I might even do it straight out the door! But the best way was to use a plastic fruit juice bottle, and then empty it out later. I just wanted to go straight back and carry on.
Living that life for the time I did, helped me heal in a way that I don't know I would have had I been in any other situation. The van supported me. It was my home. My companion. My cave. My place of safety and sanctuary so that I could just be myself for the first time in a way I'd never been before.
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