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Upset about my brother getting engaged

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Idahocalypse, Aug 4, 2017.

  1. Idahocalypse

    Idahocalypse Ravenpaw

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    My brother is the closest thing I have to a best friend. He always makes me laugh, he knows how to comfort me when I'm sad, and above all he's honest with me, which is something I appreciate as most people tend to walk on eggshells around me (figuratively speaking).

    About 10 months ago he met a very sweet, beautiful girl at Church. They are a perfect couple in every way, their relationship is just like a fairy tale. Anyone can see that they were practically made for each other; it's like they complete each other and make each other whole.

    They've been talking about marriage for awhile, and on the 12th my brother is going to propose.

    But I noticed that, as the date is drawing closer, my mood and general mental state has been worsening. After several days of being unusually weepy and angry, I decided to do some journal writing and I discovered that the reason behind my worsening mood has everything to do with the thought of my brother getting engaged and eventually married. When our two older sisters got married, they drifted away from our family, both physically and emotionally. I'm terrified of my brother becoming distant from me, too.

    When I expressed my feelings to my dad, he reassured me that I will not "lose" my brother, but "gain" a sister-in-law and more nieces and nephews. Dad said that unlike with my older sisters, my brother will be sure to keep me involved in his and his children's lives. My dad's words comforted me a lot, because I know that what he said was the truth.

    However, I can't help but be emotional about the whole thing. It's hard to believe that my baby brother's all grown up now. I distinctly remember how joyful I was when I saw him for the very first time when he was a newborn. The only thing that made me cry as hard as I did when I journaled about his upcoming engagement was when I gave away my 16 year old cat last year.

    Is it normal to be this emotional about a beloved family member getting engaged? Can anyone else relate to my post?
     
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  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    I was my brother's "best man" at his wedding. I liked his wife. Always have, even though they divorced many years ago. But yeah, when they moved to another state it was kind of tough for me. I didn't socialize with much of anyone else and my brother and I usually enjoyed many of the same leisure activities.

    It's completely understandable that you perceive some kind of loss. Though it's also part of the growth process, which often includes people coming and going from your life which is beyond your ability to control.
     
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  3. Ambi

    Ambi Well-Known Member

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    I think a lot of people, including most NTs, feel emotional about weddings and changes they signify (I really don't feel anything about them). So I don't think your emotions about this are at all unusual. I think for many parents it can be a mixed thing - they are happy for their kids and want to see them off to the next stage in their lives, but they are also sad for what they are losing, because things do change.
     
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  4. Idahocalypse

    Idahocalypse Ravenpaw

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    This was a very insightful post. "Loss" seems to be the most fitting word for the way that I've been thinking and feeling lately.

    I am a huge control freak - pretty much anything that is beyond my control upsets me in one way or another. As a matter of fact, the "control freak" aspect of my personality is so powerful that I'm willing to bet that it's the driving force behind a lot of my irrational and unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.

    However, I'm pleased to know that what I'm experiencing is part of a "growth process" - sometimes I worry about becoming mentally/emotionally stagnant so it's encouraging to know that I'm growing, even though the process itself is quite painful.
     
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  5. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    "Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield." ;)

    We all have to go through such things for better or worse. Just part of life.
     
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  6. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    when will people like you and me realise what we experience us autism
    its because we have a developmental disorder that means staying a young child in our perception of change (control freak ) or a toddler meltdowns ,shutdowns !
     
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  7. Idahocalypse

    Idahocalypse Ravenpaw

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    My mom often says that I have a childlike way of thinking due to my autism. She says that mentally/emotionally I'm still at the level of a 9 or 10 year old. (By the way, she never ever says this in a rude way, more like in a sympathetic way.)
     
  8. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    At some point as we mature we all have to accept that we revolve around the world rather than the world revolving around us. Otherwise it's back "to the bug and the windshield". Where life itself can treat one pretty miserably with complete indifference regardless of our neurology.
     
  9. Idahocalypse

    Idahocalypse Ravenpaw

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    Do you recommend any websites or articles that you believe would help me to get past this so-called "bug and windshield" mentality? Acting like the world revolves around myself is a really nasty way of thinking, and one that I would like to correct as quickly as possible.
     
  10. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    IMO there's no substitute for learning such things other than the hard way. That sooner or later you will come up against such dynamics. The more often they occur, the more humble you may become.

    It's just part of life. Peaks and valleys. Oddly enough, this quote comes to mind. From someone who has known both triumph and tragedy.

    “The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you're really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.”

    -Richard Milhous Nixon
     
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  11. Warmheart

    Warmheart Something nerdy this way comes V.I.P Member

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    I think this type of hurt is mainly anticipating the painful transition period, not your actual future. You will adjust. Plus, as your Dad said, your new sister in law will become another person on your side, as will your future little nieces and nephews.

    It is important to grieve a perceived loss, even if it is just time with your brother, but don't unpack and live there.
    Envision your own future filled with more loving family!
     
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  12. Idahocalypse

    Idahocalypse Ravenpaw

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    Thank you for your kind and insightful words. That was the type of response I was hoping to get when I created this thread. You truly live up to your username. :relaxed:
     
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  13. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    There is only one thing that is for sure, that every thing is going to change. That is a little tough on those of us who do not like change, but it is just the way it is. My wife and have 5 kids who all have families of their own now. It was very hard on us when each one left, but now we have a very large, wonderful family. You to are gaining family and that is a good change.
     
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  14. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh wow, it sounds like you have the most amazing family! Your dad's words sound really wise and it's so lovely that you are so close to your brother.

    And how do you do the journal thing? Just like writing a diary? I could do with your kind of insight into my moods sometimes. I get stressed a lot and it takes me a while to a) recognise that it is happening and b) figure out why.


    Yes it sounds perfectly normal.

    So to be logical and aspie about it, the weepy and angry thing will come from a specific concern, which is your brother becoming distant.

    But that hasn't happened yet, so you are getting worked up about something that hasn't yet occurred. Also by getting stressed there is a danger (I know I do this) of pushing people away, so it can be a self fulfilling prophecy.

    So therefore, would it be possible to channel your energy into preventing it from happening instead? There will be a few hurdles. or example, people like me tend to alienate people, I know that I lose friends by being generally aspie, so are you annoying his future wife in some way? Then if he has kids, his time would become limited (they take up a LOT of time), so figure out a way to join in? So lots of little things like that, figure out what the problems are and solve them one by one.

    Though even if you do nothing, alienate everyone and melt down. I bet anything your brother will remain close to you anyway, that kind of bond is eternally durable. What an amazing family. :)
     
  15. WittyAspie

    WittyAspie Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I can't gice you much advice that hasn't already been given, but I would like to compliment your approach to feeling irritable. As the wedding approaches, continue journaling as a way to work out your feelings. That way you can act maturely toward your future sister-in-law. If things seem overwhelming, talk to your dad again. He knows you and your brother very well and can help you during this transition. Will you be the last one at home after your brother gets married?
     
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  16. Momo

    Momo Well-Known Larrikin

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    It's sad, but eventually the family does drift apart as you get older. You're brother won't abandon you, but he likely won't spend as much time with you. I think it's perfectly normal to get upset over this.
     
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  17. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I agree with Momo.
    The typical family does drift apart as they grow older.
    I never could understand this and found the desire for things not to change or lose someone close is typical ASD.
    The tendency not to grow up and want things stay the same.
    I know this isn't helping you feel better about it, but, that's how I've always seen this drifting apart in families.
    I don't think it is that way in a lot of cultures compared to the more modern societies. People stay together even if they marry and everyone works together.
    Too many people are just too fickle to rely on this situation making things better. That's just my opinion from life. If your family and you become stronger that will be great.
    I just see less of this in today's families as I've seen one generation to the next. :(
     
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  18. Idahocalypse

    Idahocalypse Ravenpaw

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    Thank you for the compliment. I intend to continue journaling, as it is immensely helpful in giving me insight into why I feel the way I do. And to answer your question, yes, I will be the last one at home after my brother gets married.
     
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  19. WittyAspie

    WittyAspie Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    As the only one home, you may find that you develop a closer friendship with your parents. I am not saying that they will replace your brother as best friend. It is just a potential positive of being the last one they can spend lots of time with. You are old enough to develop the friendship side of a parent/child relationship. Lean into them during this tough transition.
     
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  20. zeroninja

    zeroninja Well-Known Member

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    In your situation, this is completely normal, and is only a sign of you experiencing and recognizing a loss you might experience of the intimacy you now enjoy in your day to day life with him. There will inevitably be some loss of intimacy: that comes with the territory of a marriage. However, in time as your dad said you could regain it and gain a sister through his wife in the process. It takes continual time and effort for a long time for that to occur however. And varying levels of patience as well with your expectations. I hope this helps.
     
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