Understanding feelings post-breakup

[Autumnly]

Hello, I’ve had this question gnawing at my mind and I’m hoping some of you can offer some insight. My ex partner broke me with me some months ago, but I’m having a hard time processing what happened and how to move forward.

I feel obsessive to figure out what they are doing. Is it normal to feel this way? It feels disgusting to act like a stalker and I actively hold myself back to not do it.

I want to know why they said those horrible things to me and I want to let them know how those things destroyed my confidence and my trust. How do you cope with a sudden vacuum of someone you shared your entire life with? I constantly think about “did they move on already”, “do they miss me”, or “did they ever feel sad”. My head just wants answers and logic to these questions, but these things aren’t maths. How do you ignore or move on from a problem you can’t answer?

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I wish I could tell you. I went through something similar, though we were engaged. At your age, you may easily find someone better, though I know it might not feel that way now. At on older age, it may mean reevaluating life and expectations. I think accepting the deep and willful immaturity many people have is extremely difficult. But it is necessary, and hopefully you have good people in life to balance that with.

It sounds like you felt accepted and don't understand the betrayal. So it's natural to want that acceptance and to think about the person who gave it and took it away. I've felt that way in your position, at least.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

On one hand, I can see where one might want to look at what has happened, learn something, and gain some wisdom. If you don't know what the mistake was, it leaves you sort of hanging there, not knowing what to think. Then, the little voice in your head starts with the questions. "What did I do or didn't do that pushed this person away?" Obviously, if there's no closure there, it is difficult to move on.

On the other hand, it might have not been you, per se. Things happen, relationships cool off, life happens, reality sets in, and one, the other, or both realize that the reality didn't meet up to expectations. An infinite number of variables at play here.

Another dynamic here, is autism, and one of our many "faults" is this constant nagging invasive thought pattern of wondering what other people are thinking about us. Here's a nugget of wisdom for you. "They aren't thinking of you." "Stop getting your anxiety up about what others are going to think of you, because they probably don't care, at all." You think about you, and you think others are also thinking about you, which is often a thinking error. As an adult, it's probably not the case. If your ex-partner has left and not contacted you, that's probably a sign they've moved on, and so should you.

You can't drive forward in life while looking in the rear-view mirror.

 

[Outdated]

I have a few things in my head that are a little bit broken, I don't feel anything when people die. The only 2 times I have experienced grief was when a relationship ended.

It sounds a bit like that is what you're going through now - grief.

I strongly advise against pursuing all those questions, you will only extend the grief and hurt yourself more. It's a difficult time but you must break away from it and move on.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I have a few things in my head that are a little bit broken, I don't feel anything when people die. The only 2 times I have experienced grief was when a relationship ended.

It sounds a bit like that is what you're going through now - grief.

I strongly advise against pursuing all those questions, you will only extend the grief and hurt yourself more. It's a difficult time but you must break away from it and move on.

Have you read Terry Pratchett's biography A Life in Footnotes, written by his personal assistant, Rob Wilkins? I'm like you and never cry when people die, including family members, but the end of that book got a decent stream out of me. I wasn't expecting that much from the book since it wasn't written by Terry, but it was surprisingly well written and an enjoyable read the whole way through. It gets a strong recommend from me, and I made my grandmother a Pratchett fan when I lent her the book.

Hello, I’ve had this question gnawing at my mind and I’m hoping some of you can offer some insight. My ex partner broke me with me some months ago, but I’m having a hard time processing what happened and how to move forward.

I feel obsessive to figure out what they are doing. Is it normal to feel this way? It feels disgusting to act like a stalker and I actively hold myself back to not do it.

I want to know why they said those horrible things to me and I want to let them know how those things destroyed my confidence and my trust. How do you cope with a sudden vacuum of someone you shared your entire life with? I constantly think about “did they move on already”, “do they miss me”, or “did they ever feel sad”. My head just wants answers and logic to these questions, but these things aren’t maths. How do you ignore or move on from a problem you can’t answer?

I don't think I can really offer any insight. Not receiving answers and closure is difficult, and I'm sad to hear you were insulted by him. My breakup was also quite confusing and difficult, but at least we staid civil as friends, and have since spoken about the relationship quite a bit, which has helped me gain closure and make sense of it. I would have had a much more difficult time without that. I hope that in lieu of "closure", which it seems like you are unlikely to receive from him based on his treatment of you, that you can at least gain some acceptance over it ending. I don't think the relationship would have been good in the long run if he was willing to destroy your confidence. Better that he does that to you outside of a relationship than within a difficult to escape one.

 

[Outdated]

Have you read Terry Pratchett's biography A Life in Footnotes, written by his personal assistant, Rob Wilkins?

I haven't but thanks for the recommendation. I admired Terry Pratchet very much, I saw past the humour and I recognised a very intelligent and thoughtful man.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I haven't but thanks for the recommendation. I admired Terry Pratchet very much, I saw past the humour and I recognised a very intelligent and thoughtful man.

Pratchett is the only famous person who's death actually made me sad. I really can't think of anyone else before or since. I still haven't read the last Discworld novels, from Snuff on.

The biography confirms everything I thought of him.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

How do you ignore or move on from a problem you can’t answer?

By faking till you make it.

My first girlfriend left me after 6 months of relationship. It was the first person who liked me in a romantic way despite knowing me well. She never explained why, she simply did. I was destroyed in ways I cant fully understand now. I was empty.

I did continued my life in autopilot mode, I studied, eated, did my stuff but It was not me. I was not there, I was not. It was a living shell.

As time passed, a year or so, I slowly started to be again. By that time I was adicted to videogames, but still studied, had a work and so on. I just have very little memories of that time. I did joined a hiking club, I worked, I went out with friends... But it was the shell doing it. There was no much of me there.

So I have no magic trick to share, just do care of the important things. Keep the system alive, trust in time, keep doing your stuff... And eventually, slowly, painfully,... you will heal.

 

[foliodoe]

Hello, I’ve had this question gnawing at my mind and I’m hoping some of you can offer some insight. My ex partner broke me with me some months ago, but I’m having a hard time processing what happened and how to move forward.

I feel obsessive to figure out what they are doing. Is it normal to feel this way? It feels disgusting to act like a stalker and I actively hold myself back to not do it.

I want to know why they said those horrible things to me and I want to let them know how those things destroyed my confidence and my trust. How do you cope with a sudden vacuum of someone you shared your entire life with? I constantly think about “did they move on already”, “do they miss me”, or “did they ever feel sad”. My head just wants answers and logic to these questions, but these things aren’t maths. How do you ignore or move on from a problem you can’t answer?

I got the "It's better for us to just be friends" from someone I was madly in love with about a year ago. She said the love was mutual, but did a 180 out of the blue. It took me a long time to get over it. Just to wrap my head around it. It was traumatic, frankly, and I'm still recovering from the damage done.

I just kept replaying conversations, moments, interactions over and over again - trying to understand where I went wrong, looking for hope that I might be able to get her back. I wrote a novel to process the whole ordeal, just to get it out of my system. Even after that, it still took me a few more months to truly move on and crawl from the depression I'd fallen into.

Just keep pushing forward! Don't give up! Life goes on. You owe it to yourself to brush yourself off and carry on.

 

[foliodoe]

I have a few things in my head that are a little bit broken, I don't feel anything when people die. The only 2 times I have experienced grief was when a relationship ended.

It sounds a bit like that is what you're going through now - grief.

I strongly advise against pursuing all those questions, you will only extend the grief and hurt yourself more. It's a difficult time but you must break away from it and move on.

This is exactly what it is. This is wisdom right here!

After a significant breakup, one has to mourn the loss one way or the other. The best thing one can do is find healthy ways to grieve while avoiding the most dangerous pitfalls.

 

[Hypnalis]

You're done with this when you stop caring. That's not something you can control, but you can avoid extending the time indefinitely by not engaging.

Meanwhile, move on with everything else in your life.

1. "Closure" (as most people use the term) isn't a good objective. The term is often used as if it was a process, but IMO it's best to think of it as an end-point. Most of the time, including in this kind of situation, the risk is that it "outsources" itself - i.e. you become dependent on external factors (e.g. another person) to resolve an internal matter.

2. Talking about "why" with an ex can be a good thing, but there are pre-reqs. The easiest way to know if they're met is that your ex (not you) wants to discuss it politely and factually with you. If it's just you, and not your ex, see (1).

3. Tracking an ex and thinking about their life and happiness is fine after the romantic aspect of a relationship is over from your perspective ... but until it's over, engaging like that is very likely to be counter-productive.