• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Turmoil: Need help with understanding break up with Aspie partner.

BrianNewland

New Member
Hi

So to cut to the chase I dated a person with Aspergers for nearly a year , and nearly three weeks ago they broke it off with me.

The relationship was my best one yet, I was close to their family and they where what seems close to mine( would come over to my parents house and was friendly and even stayed over two times at mine which is a big deal for them), we went out for dinner and dates a lot , shared common interests , everything seemed fine, I gave them a kiss goodbye three months ago and basically Isolation COVID19 kicked in and we couldn't see each other, a family member of theirs died also within this time and that is when I was told by my partner, they said that they where in a bad way and didn't want to speak much.

Over those months in iso, we talked a lot less then normal , I gave space and didn't bombard with messages, I went to my SO house about two weeks before the break up, they didn't want to speak and then I texted the next week if everything between us was ok, then I get the dreaded msg that my SO said that they had not been able to see me as romantic, even though they said that they had tried to but feels conflicted , and that they lost common interests with me , and that I deserve better and that they cant offer a relationship right now, and said too much time to think lead to this decision, and that they need time to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else, and that they wont put me through the mental situation they they are struggling with atm.

I basically told them that I want them to do whats best for them and that I didn't hate them, and wished them the best(they said the same and that they appreciated that I tried to learn about AS to better our relationship) but said I need to block them as I couldn't process it and needed time too heal and said maybe we can talk again down the line and said I will always love them (4 days later I unblocked felt guilty). This was all done through text.

Its not just me that they seem to be withdrawing from, family members have said that they have been like this with everything , and all my SO does is stay at home on the computer , and doesn't tend to her dogs even, they like me a lot ( family members ) and I saw them out in the city and we got a coffee and they said my SO isnt doing well but they tried to talk to her ,they also said to my partner that (my SO) was making a huge mistake on the break up with me , and they told me (before all this when we where together) my SO seemed be a lot happier around them after spending days out with me and doing things together etc. And said My SO hadn't said any bad things about me etc.

Now it seems to me that my SO is going through a burnout or depression or both , too much stuff on the plate to deal with, their routine is now what ever they are doing now and I am no longer a part of that, I haven't reached out since the break up and I am at my worst mentally then I have ever been in my life, I have been doing everything I can to keep busy but I worry about them and in the past bad relationships have given me the logic to move forward from negative traits from my past exs, with this I seem to try and rationalise and I understand that its no ones fault and cant move forward, even if I am in a way,wanting and trying.

I don't think they can see my prospective on how I want them in my life (Good and Bad) and seems to have taken a dive in front of a bullet as the metaphor is, when it comes to our relationship.

I'm basically trying to move forward but I don't want them out of my life 100% , I want more answers that I will never get, I want to talk about it, I want a second chance to work at it or even a friendship, I love them dearly and I don't know what to do, will they forget me? Did they care? I don't expect them to reach out but I don't want the last time I saw them to be when I kissed them goodbye months ago to be the last time I see them in my life, I just don't feel like I will ever see them or be on good terms again, which doesn't make sense, any help would be great, I'd love to be with them again but I know its a off shot, and they may not even care anymore or think about me. I'm lost.......
 
Hi breakups are tricky.... all your feelings and wants/needs can become all consuming, you were broken up with and prehaps need time to heal and this may come from respecting their choice, be it that they may not be making 'good' choices for themselves, basically i split from a 5 year relationship about 4 weeks ago, we have seen each other and i got a 'i miss you' long phone call yesterday, i have made a list of why for me it wasn't a great fit and also what values and ideals i'd like reflected in any future relationship, and shared aspects of this with my ex 'cause' i'm mindful that unless both people want to change or feel their needs are meet that patterns return, you could use this time to invest in YOU and your happyness and if he wants to get in touch he will, people and relationship don't have to make sence they just are, hope this helps a little, look after yourself.
 
Hi breakups are tricky.... all your feelings and wants/needs can become all consuming, you were broken up with and prehaps need time to heal and this may come from respecting their choice, be it that they may not be making 'good' choices for themselves, basically i split from a 5 year relationship about 4 weeks ago, we have seen each other and i got a 'i miss you' long phone call yesterday, i have made a list of why for me it wasn't a great fit and also what values and ideals i'd like reflected in any future relationship, and shared aspects of this with my ex 'cause' i'm mindful that unless both people want to change or feel their needs are meet that patterns return, you could use this time to invest in YOU and your happyness and if he wants to get in touch he will, people and relationship don't have to make sence they just are, hope this helps a little, look after yourself.
I am doing this, Im taking time out for me (hobbies ,work,etc) but I dont want to let go of them as a person,I have hope that things will clear and I will get a text, and I want to text them but I think it will push too much, I haven't talked to them face to face and I know I could work with them and be strong enough to deal with the bad times.

I guess I really asking, how do I reach out one day? People say aspies are black and white when it comes to making decisions , but I feel everyone is a individual and maybe atm their mind is clouded.
 
Last edited:
Maybe give it a few months then message them to ask how they are. If they don't reply or tell you to leave them alone then you have your answer.
 
They were a dream come true with clarity. They told you the deal straight up. Respect that. They don't want to be with you. If you cannot accept it, get therapy. Aspies are great partners, but while you may feel connected, they may still be wondering and figuring it out. Move on. They were 100% clear. Respect that and respect your self, too.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom