Strong and kind
Active Member
Hi all,
I'm new to this forum.
Eight months ago I met a wonderful man who right away struck me as very different. I'm very sensitive and have acute skills reading people and I just couldn't figure him out, but with him, it was a good feeling. I felt safe with him. He seemed to be himself with a kind of innocence and intelligence that I found very attractive. Because we lived far away from each other, we could only see each other under limited time periods and often two to three weeks apart was the norm. I felt like he was very selective about what he was telling me about himself and his life in the other city. At times, I was sure he was involved with someone else. But I wanted him to have his space and feel free, and as he is very truthful I figured he'd tell me if he was dating someone else.
Some months into our relationship, he had a meltdown when he visited me. His anger and intense emotion startled me, and the lack of discussion afterwards made feel like there was something unresolved between us, which made me anxious and sad. He was quiet for several days, then returned to communication. We had some more wonderful times together.
A few months later, he had another meltdown and then was out of touch for a week. We usually otherwise talked or texted almost every day. I tried to get a hold of him just to talk it through, but he avoided me. I understand now that to him, there was no way of addressing what had happened.
He has now ended our relationship. I think a friend of his was leaving the state last week, but he never told me if this was an important person to me or not so I don't know how he was feeling about it. One moment his communication with me was sweet, caring, and happy; only a few days later it turned curt, rude, and sparse. I told him this was hurting me, and then he said that everything he had blurted out during his latest meltdown was true and that it was over between us. Only days before we had planned to see each other and we also had a long expensive vacation planned later in the year.
He hinted at having Aspbergers the last time I saw him, but we never had a chance to talk about it. Now, it all makes sense to me: his lack of facial expressions, his awkward social skills, his focus on a few interesting things. Let me just say: I love this person. I think he's an amazing and kind, not to mention beautiful man. If I had known or recognized that he has AS from the start we could have addressed it and I could have been more supportive to him, as well as stayed cleared of the meltdowns. With that I mean, not taken them personally and made sure he felt safe and loved even during and after them. He has now stopped communicating with me. We were going on this amazing vacation and I'm going to have to do a lot of work to get the money back. More importantly though, we had a close and to me really meaningful connection and now he has just discarded me without apology or even an explanation other than that his feelings are not the same as mine.
As why he can't be with me, he mentioned all these things that I hadn't told him about myself from the start, which seemed to make him very insecure, but to me they are really minor and if he had ever asked, I would have told him. I have nothing to hide, no secrets. Getting to know someone takes time, and he said several times "I don't know you" even though I told him a lot about myself, my life, past, dreams, and we did spend long and intense periods together. To me, getting to know someone never really stops. It's a process. And it's not always easy, to anyone, to see and hear and allow others to get to know you.
I know I may never be able to understand what it's like to view the world from his perspective, but I wanted to, and never got the chance. I wanted to make him feel that it's okay to be different, that I loved and accepted him the way he is. It's hard for me to have lost him because 1. I didn't see him clearly and understand his needs and 2. He didn't tell me he had AS, which would have made it much easier for me to navigate our relationship.
Right now I have to take care of myself, but I am thinking of him and missing him all the time. I know no one out there can answer this question but him, but is there a chance he will change his mind? Even if we don't go back to the way things were in the beginning (so loving, exciting, sweet), I would like to feel more peace between us, and get another chance to understand. Even if we cannot be together long term, this was a horrible way to end it, and it came out of nowhere. I have only love for him, even though he hurt me, and now he's mad at that too and says he never asked me for love or commitment. Well, I just never looked for anyone else, and that's not for lack of other men being interested in me. I'm warm, kind, beautiful, and intelligent and I gave him only the best of myself and my life. The hardest thing for him seemed to be when I cried, which happened twice in 7 months, once because he yelled at me and the other time when I injured myself badly in his company. What can I do? Thank you for any thoughts. And support.
I'm new to this forum.
Eight months ago I met a wonderful man who right away struck me as very different. I'm very sensitive and have acute skills reading people and I just couldn't figure him out, but with him, it was a good feeling. I felt safe with him. He seemed to be himself with a kind of innocence and intelligence that I found very attractive. Because we lived far away from each other, we could only see each other under limited time periods and often two to three weeks apart was the norm. I felt like he was very selective about what he was telling me about himself and his life in the other city. At times, I was sure he was involved with someone else. But I wanted him to have his space and feel free, and as he is very truthful I figured he'd tell me if he was dating someone else.
Some months into our relationship, he had a meltdown when he visited me. His anger and intense emotion startled me, and the lack of discussion afterwards made feel like there was something unresolved between us, which made me anxious and sad. He was quiet for several days, then returned to communication. We had some more wonderful times together.
A few months later, he had another meltdown and then was out of touch for a week. We usually otherwise talked or texted almost every day. I tried to get a hold of him just to talk it through, but he avoided me. I understand now that to him, there was no way of addressing what had happened.
He has now ended our relationship. I think a friend of his was leaving the state last week, but he never told me if this was an important person to me or not so I don't know how he was feeling about it. One moment his communication with me was sweet, caring, and happy; only a few days later it turned curt, rude, and sparse. I told him this was hurting me, and then he said that everything he had blurted out during his latest meltdown was true and that it was over between us. Only days before we had planned to see each other and we also had a long expensive vacation planned later in the year.
He hinted at having Aspbergers the last time I saw him, but we never had a chance to talk about it. Now, it all makes sense to me: his lack of facial expressions, his awkward social skills, his focus on a few interesting things. Let me just say: I love this person. I think he's an amazing and kind, not to mention beautiful man. If I had known or recognized that he has AS from the start we could have addressed it and I could have been more supportive to him, as well as stayed cleared of the meltdowns. With that I mean, not taken them personally and made sure he felt safe and loved even during and after them. He has now stopped communicating with me. We were going on this amazing vacation and I'm going to have to do a lot of work to get the money back. More importantly though, we had a close and to me really meaningful connection and now he has just discarded me without apology or even an explanation other than that his feelings are not the same as mine.
As why he can't be with me, he mentioned all these things that I hadn't told him about myself from the start, which seemed to make him very insecure, but to me they are really minor and if he had ever asked, I would have told him. I have nothing to hide, no secrets. Getting to know someone takes time, and he said several times "I don't know you" even though I told him a lot about myself, my life, past, dreams, and we did spend long and intense periods together. To me, getting to know someone never really stops. It's a process. And it's not always easy, to anyone, to see and hear and allow others to get to know you.
I know I may never be able to understand what it's like to view the world from his perspective, but I wanted to, and never got the chance. I wanted to make him feel that it's okay to be different, that I loved and accepted him the way he is. It's hard for me to have lost him because 1. I didn't see him clearly and understand his needs and 2. He didn't tell me he had AS, which would have made it much easier for me to navigate our relationship.
Right now I have to take care of myself, but I am thinking of him and missing him all the time. I know no one out there can answer this question but him, but is there a chance he will change his mind? Even if we don't go back to the way things were in the beginning (so loving, exciting, sweet), I would like to feel more peace between us, and get another chance to understand. Even if we cannot be together long term, this was a horrible way to end it, and it came out of nowhere. I have only love for him, even though he hurt me, and now he's mad at that too and says he never asked me for love or commitment. Well, I just never looked for anyone else, and that's not for lack of other men being interested in me. I'm warm, kind, beautiful, and intelligent and I gave him only the best of myself and my life. The hardest thing for him seemed to be when I cried, which happened twice in 7 months, once because he yelled at me and the other time when I injured myself badly in his company. What can I do? Thank you for any thoughts. And support.
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