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Troubles with best friend

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Mars26, Nov 13, 2020.

  1. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    I recently have big argument with my best friend in which he told me what a burden I am for him. And no matter what he misunderstands or says incomprehensible (even to neurotypical people), he will always find a way to say that I just don't understand because I have autism. I know that I'm difficult and not because asperger but because my character. I am able to admit my mistakes and work on them. My only problem in this situation is that he argues about things in me (most often they are fictitious) that he is the one who actually has them. I try to tolerate it because he also forgave me a lot, but it is more and more difficult for me because I dont like hypocrisy. I realize that because of his family who do not believe in mental problems and are homophobic (we're both Bisexual), he may do it unknowingly. However, I am fed up with that when I tell him that something bothers me, but that I know that I also made mistakes, he ssid that I think that I am a Perfect Boy and that he is a dick. But when he points out to me my mistakes from the past (which I have worked on and which I dont commit anymore) and I will tell him that he is also not perfect (because who likes to be accused) he says that I cant accept criticism. The final straw was when he recently revealed accidentally that he doesnt consider his mistakes significant, but he always says that it is also his fault so that I would not be sad that I would always screw up something. What to do so that it does not bother me?
     
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  2. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    Do you have to stay in the relationship? The proper response to abuse is to leave.
     
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  3. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If he's a friend , can you educate him more about autism? He's being discriminatory, but may not understand the issues properly. Beyond that, maybe try to use his feedback, however poorly given and exaggerated, to reflect on how you can sometimes come over, if that's useful, and also experiment with not taking what is said so seriously. We do tend to do that.

    Try saying to yourself, ok whatever, he's in a bad mood. Not easy, but surprisingly effective when you get better at it. And consider what's good about the friendship, assuming there's plenty. If not, assess it's value.

    If he's a partner, it's a bit different of course, but some of the same applies. Therapy might help?
     
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  4. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Doesn't sound like a "best friend" to me. o_O
     
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  5. Ursus Chainus

    Ursus Chainus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The worst thing about being like this is that it tends to be the people who we feel closest to are the ones that are the meanest to us. I have learned in my 53 years on the planet to listen to my heart and what I deeply feel. It is hard to let go... I remind myself that my love for another does not equal them loving me back. Love is the sharing of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain with another person. If someone does not care about my pain and only wants to share happiness and joy with me... they are not a real friend. Especially if they cause me pain! We all make mistakes and deserve forgiveness if we own those mistakes and try not to make them again.

    One thing you might consider is that he may be what I call respect driven. This is a common friendship for people like us. Respect driven people really only want your eyes so they can see themselves. They often form relationships with us so they can feel superior. When in extreme dysfunction, this can be diagnosed as Narcissism.

    You deserve kind, loving and understanding relationships in your life. As you add on the years... you will see what a waste it is to stay in situations that are abusive or uncomfortable.
     
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  6. Rectify

    Rectify Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    We have only what you told us to go on. It's not good to be around people who blame you for fictitious failings that they themselves are more guilty of. Even if sometimes it might be partially true. My husband wrote once that I never kept the house nicely. Well, that was true only during a few short months when I was feeling very flat. The rest of the time I kept house from adequately, to very well. Because there was a small amount of truth in it I easily fell into thinking 'oh, well, he's got something there..'
    Look, I would hate to advise you to leave this friendship and then find that there was more going on. But if what you said is an accurate description then it is worrisome. And it's a dirty trick to blame things on someone's autism...even though it might be true in some instances.
     
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  7. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    'Scuse the way I post, I c+p the whole post and reply as I read it.
    Anyone who says you are a burden is not a friend, period, you are better off without them.

    Blaming your autism is not friend behaviour.

    Low confidence seems an issue with you. Asperger's is a big part of our character, I used to feel flawed because of my AS traits.

    Being able to admit mistakes and work on them is a big thing.

    He sounds like he is projecting his own faults on to you and sees that you have low self esteem and hopes you will believe them.

    You don't have to take hypocrisy, it is false.

    Coming from a family who do not believe in mental problems and are homophobic is no excuse to abuse others.

    I used to point out my mistakes as a teen to a girl who behaved like a *****. She took advantage of me. He sounds like he is exploiting you.

    We sometimes blame ourselves for things we havent done, we can be convinced we make mistakes when people are just exploiting our nice nature.

    It sounds like he can't accept criticism, yet you can as you correct your mistakes, are you sure they are your mistakes and not ones he is putting on to you?
    What to do? to me he is a manipulator, find real friend, he will bring you down, I know from personal experience.
     
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  8. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    Thank you all for your support. I think I have to work on my self esteem more. :sweatsmile:
     
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  9. Mars26

    Mars26 21 years old aspie

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    I have a question about this topic, the last two weeks have been really fun. I was sick and I couldn't go to university (we only have two classes at the university). When I came back today my "best friend" barely talked to me and even when we were only with our group of friends, he avoided contact with me. However, when in October there was a similar situation that I felt disgusted because he was spending time only with our other friend, not with me and I asked him about it, he said that he had seen me already but he hadn't seen this guy all summer (they only chat on FB few times). However, now he didnt see me for 3 weeks (we only chated on FB when I wasnt there) and when I came back today he again talked only with this other friend and with people who are only classmate. It became clear to me that I dont count in this friendship. But I don't know what to do next because he is great at manipulating emotions.