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Trouble navigating new roommate situation, would like advice.

ConnerAnderson

New Member
I recently became a roommate to an older couple. Recently, One of my new roommates has been making comments that have made me a bit uncomfortable. I made a joke, and when questioned said "nevermind, I was just being a smartass" which was a fairly normal thing to say in this context. The response was that I might be a smartass, but that I have a cute ass. After this, a few other things were said about me in a joking tone, but were equally suggestive.

This sounds really bad on the surface, and it might be, but there are complicating factors I am having trouble parsing out due to my lack of social sense. First, this couple are in their sixties and rather small and frail, while I am a two hundred and fifty pound man who lifts heavy things eight hours a day for a living. As such, I am in absolutely no danger, and from what I have studied of flirting in general, that influences what level of flirting is acceptable. More casual flirting seems to be directly proportional to how well people know each other, as well as power balance. A small man can flirt much more aggressively to a woman twice his size he knows than a large man can flirt with a small women he barely knows. As such, while this is well beyond what I am used to, we do know each other, and I could crush them like tin cans if anything bad happened and they know it.

As such, is this just a social misstep I should honestly confront, and just tell them I am uncomfortable with it, is it just casual flirting and I should just let it be, or should I get the heck out of here?
 

Stuttermabolur

A psychologist said so
V.I.P Member
Unless there is something more making you uncomfortable than the flirting, it is probably enough to just let them know you are uncomfortable because of it or at least start that way as they might genuinely not realize it makes you uncomfortable. If they keep doing it however, or seem to enjoy making you uncomfortable, you should start looking at your options and consider how much you are able to tolerate.
 

Au Naturel

Au Naturel
If you are that big and he's that frail, why does it bother you? Roll with it.

My response would have been, "In your dreams!" and then on to the next topic. If he keeps it up, pleasantly let him know you are not flirting material.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Dude you're overthinking, and there are many logical fallacies in your statement. Just chill out. They're not flirting, they're just joking around, trying to get a laugh out of you.

Hang out in your bedroom and keep the common areas clean.

They're just trying to be friendly, don't make it weird.

PS What's up with the "Crush them like tin cans" statement? That's just creepy and gross. Maybe you should get a studio apt, because you're too weird for this old hippie couple.

I agree with this. You're overthinking it. If it was me, I would laugh about it and make some jokes. You're 25 so in their eyes you are a youngin', a greenhorn. It's not unusual to crack some jokes at greenhorns, I'm sure they have no bad intentions.
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Dude you're overthinking, and there are many logical fallacies in your statement. Just chill out. They're not flirting, they're just joking around, trying to get a laugh out of you.

Hang out in your bedroom and keep the common areas clean.

They're just trying to be friendly, don't make it weird.

PS What's up with the "Crush them like tin cans" statement? That's just creepy and gross. And it makes you look like a real "donkey". Maybe you should get a studio apt, because you're too weird for this old hippie couple.

Quite expected response of you. Blame and critique the guy who is the victim and try to put him on the defensive and pass off that other person as trying to be friendly. The op said there was an initial offensive remark to him, so he came back with a joke which was his right to lighten the situation. Then that roommate came up with the indecent sexual remark, followed by a few more similar. What don't you get? Then you make a statement the op is creepy and gross for just stating a fact, which you twisted as some threat he must have made.

So, this guy is sexually harassed, which by the way has nothing to do with if one if female or male, or based on size, and you come to the rescue of the offender? The op wanted support, not your typical "this guy who complains of some abuse, difficulty or harassment must grow up or lighten up" comment. Look, you are not the only victim on this forum, which you portray really well from time to time. Guys have a right to complain too of not only wrongs against then, but when they are feeling not strong, overly sad, anxious, fearful, and so forth. They deserve support.

The reason I say this is because you often portray women as the weak and wronged gender, and the only ones in need, and you often say men must be silent, strong, take care of women, and so forth. Well, that is sexist. Whether you and your enablers want to admit it or not, women are a lot stronger and able than you think, but also not as perfect as you think as neither gender is perfect there. Women can abuse and harass as well and enable abuse. You criticize and demean a guy who did nothing wrong but needed support. You call him names in a childish way.

You are one of the posters I admittedly usually avoid, and it's because of that common anti-weak-male theme coming from you. Instead, focus on yourself being a better and nicer person, and being a stronger person. Start doing things for yourself instead of resorting to excuses and wanting attention and having members here do everything for you. You are not as feeble and weak as you often portray, and your harsh words against innocent victims shows partially that. Instead of critiquing victims and males, trying to get them to toughen up, how about you figure out why you do not want to see men as victims, and why you want to enable harassers and abusers, or keep passing the offenders off as just being friendly or making jokes?

So, if guys sexually harassed women using jokes, that would be OK? So, by your theory, they can refer to female body parts or make sexual innuendos in a funny way, and then that is all ok? Oh, wait. There is a double standard in your eyes there, as women are helpless, frail and weak. THey are allowed thus to harass, abuse and be mean. Rethink your position, ok? Or else someone will call you a donkey, pervert, sexist and so forth. Oh, that was a joke. haha...Or perhaps not? For you and any enablers to have the gall to minimize harassment, when it according to the op occurred at least four times for that one incident alone is galling. They could be the perverts!

And what proof is it the couple were hippies? And even so, can hippies do anything they want, as they are hippies and groovy? Start being more modern and fair in your thinking. Thanks!
 
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Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Quite expected response of you. Blame and critique the guy who is the victim

He is a 25 year old 250 pound man. The other people are in their sixties and rather small and frail, as he said. I don't think he wants to be seen as a victim in this situation, if he thinks about it for a moment. I haven't seen any critique, she said he was overthinking it. And I agree with that.
 
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Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
Hello @ConnerAnderson

There is no size for feelings. You should not life in a place were you cant rest or feel safe.

As others have told you, I would try the diplomatic way first. If that doesnt work I would leave.

Nobody here can know what is behind those comentaries you are receiving, we just can guess. So dont pay much attention to those who are "so sure" of the intentions of your roommates. They may be right or not.

When I was a kid, I cried when going to my first school. I could not make friends and sit alone crying from the beginning to the end. One very big and strong guy became my first friend there. He loved animals and dinosaurs like I did at that age, and we become very good friends.

When be became teens we both had problems understanding girls and group mechanics. I could merge better because I am more intelligent and he got bullied. He still was twice the sice of any of us, and I was unable to predict that he would get a depression. I just saw the exterior and did a bad job as a friend.

One thing I would change of my pass is giving him more support. Using my intelligence to help him more and not just myself. I think I was not good enougth for him.

The feelings of any person have nothing to do with shape or weight. And many people who go to the gym have an interesting past. I have meet very sensitive people both in gyms and in martial arts.

Hope you can solve it, we all deserve a safe place to live. :)
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@Yeshuasdaughter So, you critique guys that you never saw posted once before for appearing weak and saying they are weird and creepy when they were harmed, and you have all the answers there in who they are, calling them every name in the book, yet we have a huge sample size of your posts showing exactly who you are, and you cry you are victim again? That makes sense! It fits what I just said. Some sexist hypocrite.
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm not a victim. I am a warrior. I fight for my daughter to be strong and brave, and self sufficient. I fight for life against demon cancer. I fight for love. I fight for permanent housing. I fight against domestic violence. I fight for a healthier planet.

You are beta. You are weak. You attack women.

I tell the truth about abusers and users, and attention seekers, regardless if male or female, as I see both genders as equal, and that makes me strong. I know you want to repress guys feelings, but I hope my posts make the wiser ones stronger to speak out. You want silent guys who show no weak feelings--or strong truths. You said so in posts yourself and your snide comments about male victims makes you look really weak, besides all the mentioned, which is OK, if you allow guys to be that way too. But, you don't, so I tell you you need to reconsider your attitude and giving you the same advice you give men.
 
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Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
No I don't see any critique. I guess you guys just have to be victims. I don't see any way to avoid it.
Its interesting than you are sure there is no critique there, despite having told so, despite de critique was explained.

Its ok if you dont see the critique, we have those social blind spots. But the way you are so sure there is no critique there, is like a colourblind person being so sure the italian flag just have red colour...

I mean, let others help you when you are not understanding something. Peace. :)
 

Kalinychta

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I recently became a roommate to an older couple. Recently, One of my new roommates has been making comments that have made me a bit uncomfortable. I made a joke, and when questioned said "nevermind, I was just being a smartass" which was a fairly normal thing to say in this context. The response was that I might be a smartass, but that I have a cute ass. After this, a few other things were said about me in a joking tone, but were equally suggestive.

This sounds really bad on the surface, and it might be, but there are complicating factors I am having trouble parsing out due to my lack of social sense. First, this couple are in their sixties and rather small and frail, while I am a two hundred and fifty pound man who lifts heavy things eight hours a day for a living. As such, I am in absolutely no danger, and from what I have studied of flirting in general, that influences what level of flirting is acceptable. More casual flirting seems to be directly proportional to how well people know each other, as well as power balance. A small man can flirt much more aggressively to a woman twice his size he knows than a large man can flirt with a small women he barely knows. As such, while this is well beyond what I am used to, we do know each other, and I could crush them like tin cans if anything bad happened and they know it.

As such, is this just a social misstep I should honestly confront, and just tell them I am uncomfortable with it, is it just casual flirting and I should just let it be, or should I get the heck out of here?
I would be so creeped out if I were you. They’re in their sixties; they definitely know not to say someone has a “cute ass” unless they’re flirting. I don’t see how anyone could not see that as flirting.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I would be so creeped out if I were you. They’re in their sixties; they definitely know not to say someone has a “cute ass” unless they’re flirting. I don’t see how anyone could not see that as flirting.

I think it sounds like a joke. If they told me I had a cute ass I would laugh and say thanks. Maybe wink at them ;) and say yeah, I'm sexy and I know it. :D
 
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Au Naturel

Au Naturel
Quite expected response of you. Blame and critique the guy who is the victim and try to put him on the defensive and pass off that other person as trying to be friendly. The op said there was an initial offensive remark to him, so he came back with a joke which was his right to lighten the situation. Then that roommate came up with the indecent sexual remark, followed by a few more similar. What don't you get? Then you make a statement the op is creepy and gross for just stating a fact, which you twisted as some threat he must have made.

So, this guy is sexually harassed, which by the way has nothing to do with if one if female or male, or based on size, and you come to the rescue of the offender? The op wanted support, not your typical "this guy who complains of some abuse, difficulty or harassment must grow up or lighten up" comment. Look, you are not the only victim on this forum, which you portray really well from time to time. Guys have a right to complain too of not only wrongs against then, but when they are feeling not strong, overly sad, anxious, fearful, and so forth. They deserve support.

The reason I say this is because you often portray women as the weak and wronged gender, and the only ones in need, and you often say men must be silent, strong, take care of women, and so forth. Well, that is sexist. Whether you and your enablers want to admit it or not, women are a lot stronger and able than you think, but also not as perfect as you think as neither gender is perfect there. Women can abuse and harass as well and enable abuse. You criticize and demean a guy who did nothing wrong but needed support. You call him names in a childish way.

You are one of the posters I admittedly usually avoid, and it's because of that common anti-weak-male theme coming from you. Instead, focus on yourself being a better and nicer person, and being a stronger person. Start doing things for yourself instead of resorting to excuses and wanting attention and having members here do everything for you. You are not as feeble and weak as you often portray, and your harsh words against innocent victims shows partially that. Instead of critiquing victims and males, trying to get them to toughen up, how about you figure out why you do not want to see men as victims, and why you want to enable harassers and abusers, or keep passing the offenders off as just being friendly or making jokes?

So, if guys sexually harassed women using jokes, that would be OK? So, by your theory, they can refer to female body parts or make sexual innuendos in a funny way, and then that is all ok? Oh, wait. There is a double standard in your eyes there, as women are helpless, frail and weak. THey are allowed thus to harass, abuse and be mean. Rethink your position, ok? Or else someone will call you a donkey, pervert, sexist and so forth. Oh, that was a joke. haha...Or perhaps not? For you and any enablers to have the gall to minimize harassment, when it according to the op occurred at least four times for that one incident alone is galling. They could be the perverts!

And what proof is it the couple were hippies? And even so, can hippies do anything they want, as they are hippies and groovy? Start being more modern and fair in your thinking. Thanks!
Lighten up dude. Chill.

Nobody is blaming the guy, just suggesting that taking mortal offense at a saucy remark by someone in a position of profound weakness is a significant overreaction. There is nothing "indecent" about the comment made. No more so than any other physical compliment.

Fact is that if I were in the guys shoes I would behave entirely differently. I would laugh it off. Saucy comments like that hold no meaning and are just a bit of off-color humor. I've been flirted with by lots of gay men and perhaps it is my lack of homophobia that allows me not to take it seriously. "Thanks - but no thanks." Flirting is how you find out if the other person is interested.

My way of handling the situation is no less virtuous than his and I think a better choice. Being amused makes for a happy life and being offended makes for an unhappy life. Why be offended when no offense is intended?

Sexual harassment is a matter of power differential. Is there a quid pro quo? Is there an implicit threat? Is there a noticeable power imbalance? Is the recipient vulnerable? Physical size or ability imbalance in favor of the speaker over the recipient? None of that applies here.

Did he make any effort at all to clearly say, "I don't care for that comment"? If not how would the other party ever know? Their entire life experience has probably been with people for whom a "nice ass" comment would be received postively.

One of the common complaints I hear from autistic folks on the forum is about NTs not being specific in their statements and expecting the ND person to understand all the subtext. In this case, it is an autistic person unable to express their desires and expecting an NT to figure it out. His joke offered no information at all about how he felt.
 
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Au Naturel

Au Naturel
It does not matter how big your are if the other person has a gun. Can language be a gun, yes it can.
Language is not a gun. There is no comparison between "you hurt my feelings" and "you blew my brains out." Treating language like a gun is the death of free speech.
 

Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
Lighten up dude. Chill.

Nobody is blaming the guy, just suggesting that taking mortal offense at a saucy remark by someone in a position of profound weakness is a significant overreaction. There is nothing "indecent" about the comment made. No more so than any other physical compliment.

Fact is that if I were in the guys shoes I would behave entirely differently. I would laugh it off. Saucy comments like that hold no meaning and are just a bit of off-color humor. I've been flirted with by lots of gay men and perhaps it is my lack of homophobia that allows me not to take it seriously. "Thanks - but no thanks." Flirting is how you find out if the other person is interested.

My way of handling the situation is no less virtuous than his and I think a better choice. Being amused makes for a happy life and being offended makes for an unhappy life. Why be offended when no offense is intended?

Sexual harassment is a matter of power differential. Is there a quid pro quo? Is there an implicit threat? Is there a noticeable power imbalance? Is the recipient vulnerable? Physical size or ability imbalance in favor of the speaker over the recipient? None of that applies here.

Did he make any effort at all to clearly say, "I don't care for that comment"? If not how would the other party ever know? Their entire life experience has probably been with people for whom a "nice ass" comment would be received postively.

One of the common complaints I hear from autistic folks on the forum is about NTs not being specific in their statements and expecting the ND person to understand all the subtext. In this case, it is an autistic person unable to express their desires and expecting an NT to figure it out. His joke offered no information at all about how he felt.
If what is happening is a problem for the OP, How does it help to deny the problem? How does it help to say "for me there is no problem"? How does it help to say "just chill"?

It does not help.

You may have not problems with that topic but maybe you have problems with other things. If you ever open a thread asking for help with a topic that is sentitive for you, how would you like people to behave in the thread?
 

Kalinychta

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
If what is happening is a problem for the OP, How does it help to deny the problem? How does it help to say "for me there is no problem"? How does it help to say "just chill"?

It does not help.

You may have not problems with that topic but maybe you have problems with other things. If you ever open a thread asking for help with a topic that is sentitive for you, how would you like people to behave in the thread?

Good point. The OP did also say that there have been numerous incidents in which his roommates have made suggestive comments to him. He’s uncomfortable with it, and I would be, too. We should all feel safe and comfortable in our homes, and we should never tolerate sexual harassment from anyone. If I were him, I would move out.
 

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