Toxic Co-workers

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

For those of us in the workforce, do you think your Aspergers makes it much more difficult to handle out-of-the-norm work conditions like toxic co-workers? Does your blood boil faster? Are you quicker to want to jump all over them? Do they cause a physical reaction in you?

I currently work with someone who is loud, lazy, in-your-face, borderline inept in her occupation and plays the 'racist' card. Our manager is afraid of her. It's a unionized environment. This coworker is very social and talks to EVERYONE so really, how could anyone expect her to get her work done? (sarcasm)

My reaction to her: I get noticeable tremors when I deal with people who put me over the edge. It's embarrassing. I don't want her to keep getting away with her nonsense. I don't respect her. Our manager is aware and she's spoken to this person and yet offers NO enforcement. Even when this person caused a shoving match with another coworker. I get these tremors a lot AND my brain disengages with my mouth when dealing with people who freak me out.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Yes, I find I lose my patience very quickly with toxic co-workers. There's a few at work. 2 women who just complain all day long. They never have anything nice to say - and the only time they're laughing or joking is when it's at someone else's expense or when they're gossiping. The rest of the time they're constantly moaning and complaining and setting the world to rights. But they do all this very loudly - and it's distracting.

The co-worker you describe sounds like the stereotypical "sassy" black woman. I do wonder if it's another social adoption some people undertake - to almost play into what society expects of them.

I think the problem with enforcement is that HR can only do so much. If people claim racism, discrimination or victimisation there's the risk of a law suit against a company. Especially in this modern culture of suing one another. I think companies have to tip toe around problematic people rather than manager's being able to truly speak their mind and discipline their co-workers.

The past week and a half I've been meditating on my lunch break. It's helping a lot. It takes the edge off when I hear problematic people during the day. It's not a "cure" but it helps me to detach easier from what would normally trigger me. It seems like the more often I am meditating, the longer the benefits appear to be.

I think mindfulness and meditation seemed like foreign concepts to me for a long time. I knew people found value and relief in them - but whenever I tried I guess I expected instant results. Rather than the slow build/burn that they actually provide. Still, practice makes perfect and I'm finding it's helping me let go of negativity a lot easier. It's also helping me hold onto positivity for longer

Still, this doesn't resolve a person being a jerk. Then again - no amount of advice or discipline will benefit or change a person who doesn't wish to change in themselves. Usually the people who talk and act up the loudest are doing so to mask issues they have. I guess you could say "better out than in" and I'm sure no end of people aren't vocal and suffering in silence (myself included). But I think people like this fail to realise they're dragging the mood down when they're constantly being loud of obnoxious. It's draining to be around people like that.

I'd love it if society would legalise one free slap a day. Imagine how many problematic people would be put in their place. Wonder how many slaps she'd get from co-workers? Enough to quit?

Anyway, joking aside - try your best to let the anger and negative thoughts go. Yes, people can be horrendous, but compiling one problematic person into multiple internal problems in your mind is just making matters worse. Take a moment, take a breath and focus on something else as best you can. It's not easy - I had months being sat opposite the most boring and talkative person I've ever met. It made my job almost intolerable to the point I was considering quitting. Thankfully she left our team.

I guess that's the problem - you could have a great job with a good group of co-workers and it only takes one person to ruin it.
I often fantasized about the idea of having Tourettes. Then you could tell people like that to shut up and blame it on your condition.

Ed

 

[Mia]

Think I can help you with that one. I've worked and lived with people like that. Loud, obnoxious, petty. All examples of someone with a massive insecurity complex. Which manifests to eventually become open aggression toward people around them.

Life has not been kind to them. And eventually they take it out on everyone around them. Treat them like regular people. Be polite and respectful always, eventually the annoying facade might soften toward you. They armor themselves so they won't be hurt ever again. You may eventually discover what is underneath that armor that they fight against everyone with. They are afraid, scared and insecure, they look for slights, insults in everything said to them and overreact each time.

I've walked into the 'lions den' many times. And found a reasonable, insightful and valuable person inside. Remaining calm, has caused the other person to be calm. Not showing any fear, has been helpful. Treating them with respect but not flattering or toadying to them in any way. Will help you gain their trust.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I'm the opposite, very patient even when others are pushed to their limits, it takes a lot to get me agitated. I think being bullied a lot as a teenager has let me grow a very thick skin, and I tend to find it very easy to put things in the perspective of everyone having their own problems. Maybe when someone is annoying you try and think about what might cause them to behave how they do. Maybe they learnt that toxic behaviour from their parents during childhood, maybe they are going through an incredibly hard time at the moment, maybe they are deeply insecure. Turn your agitation into compassion.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Shut off the rest, focus on your work. That's how I always did things and was never really bothered by the incompetent shenanigans of co-workers, although they did find me to be unbearable and kept getting me fired.

The only long-term solution is to save money and go for early retirement/investing. And when investing you'll know to avoid companies that don't fire incompetent trash like your co-worker, so you've already learned something.

 

[Giraffes]

For those of us in the workforce, do you think your Aspergers makes it much more difficult to handle out-of-the-norm work conditions like toxic co-workers? Does your blood boil faster? Are you quicker to want to jump all over them? Do they cause a physical reaction in you?

I currently work with someone who is loud, lazy, in-your-face, borderline inept in her occupation and plays the 'racist' card. Our manager is afraid of her. It's a unionized environment. This coworker is very social and talks to EVERYONE so really, how could anyone expect her to get her work done? (sarcasm)

My reaction to her: I get noticeable tremors when I deal with people who put me over the edge. It's embarrassing. I don't want her to keep getting away with her nonsense. I don't respect her. Our manager is aware and she's spoken to this person and yet offers NO enforcement. Even when this person caused a shoving match with another coworker. I get these tremors a lot AND my brain disengages with my mouth when dealing with people who freak me out.

Hi yes i have experienced what you describe on a regular basis within employment, for me it links with my lack of empathy, need for social justice and theory of mind.... thoughts of how can they be like that, why doesn't someone let them know how lazy, rude, horrible, yes i could but won't list more as the list is often Hugh, also with managers why does so and so get more fair treatment, advancement again a endless list of just not getting team dynamics and a inability to fit in, now i think that i will never tell employers or colleagues about my diagnosis and work hard to accept my different way on being and hopefully this will lead to increased self esteem and less anxiety and depression.

 

[GadAbout]

Yes and they drove me batty, but the main thing is to rise above the situation. If you let them, they'll make you nuts.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

I'm the opposite, very patient even when others are pushed to their limits, it takes a lot to get me agitated. I think being bullied a lot as a teenager has let me grow a very thick skin, and I tend to find it very easy to put things in the perspective of everyone having their own problems. Maybe when someone is annoying you try and think about what might cause them to behave how they do. Maybe they learnt that toxic behaviour from their parents during childhood, maybe they are going through an incredibly hard time at the moment, maybe they are deeply insecure. Turn your agitation into compassion.

Well, I admire your thick skin, I really do
Speaking of being a teenager, the first time I had tremors was when my step-father slapped me in the face. I was bullied through 3 or 4 schools and if anything, became ultra-sensitive to people who can't speak up for themselves.
I don't care what she's going through - her life is a party...even at work. The only good thing about her here is how great she is with her patients. She's fun and engaging with them, but hell to most of her co-workers

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

Think I can help you with that one. I've worked and lived with people like that. Loud, obnoxious, petty. All examples of someone with a massive insecurity complex. Which manifests to eventually to become open aggression toward people around them.

Life has not been kind to them. And eventually they take it out on everyone around them. Treat them like regular people. Be polite and respectful always, eventually the annoying facade might soften toward you. They armor themselves so they won't be hurt ever again. You may eventually discover what is underneath that armor that they fight against everyone with. They are afraid, scared and insecure, they look for slights, insults in everything said to them and overreact each time.

I've walked into the 'lions den' many times. And found a reasonable, insightful and valuable person inside. Remaining calm, has caused the other person to be calm. Not showing any fear, has been helpful. Treating them with respect but not flattering or toadying to them in any way. Will help you gain their trust.

I think you are so right. I do my absolute best to try to treat everyone with basic human decency, but there's always a couple in every work environment that test us, cause us to fail, show us our own failings.
Re-reading your post makes me think maybe you know her LOL
I will take your suggestions to heart because I see the logic in them.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

Hi yes i have experienced what you describe on a regular basis within employment, for me it links with my lack of empathy, need for social justice and theory of mind.... thoughts of how can they be like that, why doesn't someone let them know how lazy, rude, horrible, yes i could but won't list more as the list is often Hugh, also with managers why does so and so get more fair treatment, advancement again a endless list of just not getting team dynamics and a inability to fit in, now i think that i will never tell employers or colleagues about my diagnosis and work hard to accept my different way on being and hopefully this will lead to increased self esteem and less anxiety and depression.

I relate to your comment on social justice

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

Yes, I find I lose my patience very quickly with toxic co-workers. There's a few at work. 2 women who just complain all day long. They never have anything nice to say - and the only time they're laughing or joking is when it's at someone else's expense or when they're gossiping. The rest of the time they're constantly moaning and complaining and setting the world to rights. But they do all this very loudly - and it's distracting.

The co-worker you describe sounds like the stereotypical "sassy" black woman. I do wonder if it's another social adoption some people undertake - to almost play into what society expects of them.

I think the problem with enforcement is that HR can only do so much. If people claim racism, discrimination or victimisation there's the risk of a law suit against a company. Especially in this modern culture of suing one another. I think companies have to tip toe around problematic people rather than manager's being able to truly speak their mind and discipline their co-workers.

The past week and a half I've been meditating on my lunch break. It's helping a lot. It takes the edge off when I hear problematic people during the day. It's not a "cure" but it helps me to detach easier from what would normally trigger me. It seems like the more often I am meditating, the longer the benefits appear to be.

I think mindfulness and meditation seemed like foreign concepts to me for a long time. I knew people found value and relief in them - but whenever I tried I guess I expected instant results. Rather than the slow build/burn that they actually provide. Still, practice makes perfect and I'm finding it's helping me let go of negativity a lot easier. It's also helping me hold onto positivity for longer

Still, this doesn't resolve a person being a bellend. Then again - no amount of advice or discipline will benefit or change a person who doesn't wish to change in themselves. Usually the people who talk and act up the loudest are doing so to mask issues they have. I guess you could say "better out than in" and I'm sure no end of people aren't vocal and suffering in silence (myself included). But I think people like this fail to realise they're dragging the mood down when they're constantly being loud of obnoxious. It's draining to be around people like that.

I'd love it if society would legalise one free slap a day. Imagine how many problematic people would be put in their place. Wonder how many slaps she'd get from co-workers? Enough to quit?

Anyway, joking aside - try your best to let the anger and negative thoughts go. Yes, people can be horrendous, but compiling one problematic person into multiple internal problems in your mind is just making matters worse. Take a moment, take a breath and focus on something else as best you can. It's not easy - I had months being sat opposite the most boring and talkative person I've ever met. It made my job almost intolerable to the point I was considering quitting. Thankfully she left our team.

I guess that's the problem - you could have a great job with a good group of co-workers and it only takes one person to ruin it.
I often fantasized about the idea of having Tourettes. Then you could tell people like that to shut up and blame it on your condition.

Ed

Hey Ed. Thank you for the long, well thought out answer. I do meditation at lunch time too but so far haven't been able to have a quiet, private place to practice it most days. My manager has suggested a place upstairs that I'll check out before I leave today where I can at least wear headphones and be left alone. I very often thank the heavens for apps like Headspace - a site that I can hide away in for 20 minutes a day, totally immersed in peace and relaxation. I love your comment about it taking the edge off because now that you mention it, that's how it felt today. AND I came back from lunch and felt a lot more positive about her. It also helps that for the most part I enjoy my job too.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Well, I admire your thick skin, I really do
Speaking of being a teenager, the first time I had tremors was when my step-father slapped me in the face. I was bullied through 3 or 4 schools and if anything, became ultra-sensitive to people who can't speak up for themselves.
I don't care what she's going through - her life is a party...even at work. The only good thing about her here is how great she is with her patients. She's fun and engaging with them, but hell to most of her co-workers

Well unless you are a mind reader you really can't know that her life is a party, often the seemingly happiest and most extroverted people can be utterly miserable on the inside, but fair enough. I hope you find some way of coping with the situation

 

[Fino]

I'm the opposite. I tend to live in my own world and not worry about or usually notice what is going on with other people.

 

[Varzar]

Used to have a friend as a teen, she came from the most horrible circumstances possible. Her entire family lived in a shack by the river, without electricity or running water. She was intelligent, capable and I was her only friend. Peers made fun of her, her clothes, the way she smelled, the way she ate (as if she were starving). I used to bring an extra sandwich to school for her every day. I gave her clothes, shoes, and she would bring them in a bag every week so I could wash them for her. To everyone else but me, she was mean, obnoxious, even cruel. We had some really fun times together.

She searched for me about five years ago, calling a relative who never told me. And I ran into her by chance, in my hometown. She told me that I was the only person in her early life, who had ever treated her as an equal. She's a psychiatrist, and lives in a nearby city.

That was a very heartening story. You're a very kind person Mia. Thank you for sharing that.

 

[Giraffes]

Mia I admire you for seeing beyond your friends external being and being a part of her world, it’s shown me it’s possible to take time to see people..... their value and personage and not their current circumstances

 

[Mia]

You're a very kind person Mia.

I don't know if it was kindness at the time that made that friendship happen. It was seeing someone that was being made fun of and bullied that made me angry, it was unjust. And I had to act because I knew how that felt, being an outcast myself.

@Mindf'Elle'ness didn't mean to derail your thread, sorry about that.

 

[Varzar]

I don't know if it was kindness at the time that made that friendship happen. It was seeing someone that was being made fun of and bullied that made me angry, it was unjust. And I had to act because I knew how that felt, being an outcast myself.

Yeah, I imagine a lot of us know how that feels... It's cool you two had each other.

 

[Kirsty]

Yes, that was a truly heartwarming real life story, @Mia. I was almost moved by it. Kind of reminds me of the only person in my life treating me as an equal. She understood me like no other and lifted me up at all times without being asked to.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

I don't know if it was kindness at the time that made that friendship happen. It was seeing someone that was being made fun of and bullied that made me angry, it was unjust. And I had to act because I knew how that felt, being an outcast myself.

@Mindf'Elle'ness didn't mean to derail your thread, sorry about that.

It's ok! I got a trophy! Whoo-hoo. Made my day LOL

 

[Gracey]

I've worked alongside people I initially disliked. Enough to get wound up over.

I considered their honesty and work ethos shocking.

I had to remember it wasn't my responsibility to do anything about the way they conducted themselves in the work place.

After thinking about it, it was me that was wasting my time getting wound up.
It wasn't going to change the way they acted.

I avoided them where possible but remained professional if I had to interact.
Any conversation remained work focused.
If they strayed to chit chat, bad mouthing and complaining, I steered it back to work.

I didn't know how else to deal with them at the time.