Tough questions - unique friendship

[cberg]

I just spilled my guts about some deeply personal genetic & sexual health issues to my female best friend, kind of a 'graysexual' coming out, except there's the anatomical side. I told her she's the only one I trust about this. My struggle is about how to tell her I can't replace her, how I worry about finding the time to see her. I I say friend because she also told me she just escaped an abusive relationship & trusts women more, which doesn't deter me because I could take or leave the sexual aspect. Thus, I told her that if I'm a clingy fool, it's because I want to help her feel safe & supported.

I know I'm in the 'friend zone' because I'm an autistic loner with a dark past & no experience. I always forgive her because it's on me to be a radically accepting long-term companion no matter what. I can't ignore the person who brought me past the 'forever alone' crisis. Just finding another girl wouldn't solve any of this, I know someone this accepting comes along once in a lifetime. I know we need more chances to guide each other past all the trauma together but I don't know how to say it simply.

I know this is going to take serious patience & that's OK, for that much I am ready. I'm here reposting this from wrong planet in order for us to find ways to help each other & get together more. I can't begin to say how much I appreciate any wisdom & replies here.

 

[LucyPurrs]

First, welcome to this forum. It's a good place to be as members are very accepting, supportive, helpful and informative.
Can you say to her you know someone as accepting as she only comes along once in a lifetime and you would like to find ways to help each other and get together more? Or do you think that would put too much pressure on her? I mean what you said to us is pretty clear- maybe you could use it as a basis of what to say to her?

 

[cberg]

I'm sure I will when I get the chance. I really worry about how much of that pressure she gets from everyone on a daily basis but I also have total confidence in her ability to handle it.

I texted her a really deep thank you afterwards, plainly this is going to take her a while to process so I'm looking for new ways to make her feel more welcome in my presence.

 

[pjcnet]

If you want a chance of this one day going further then it's important never to say that you just want to be friends, I've fell into the friend trap myself in the past and often if you become too good friends it will never go any further, but it depends on what is truly important to you, friendship is important too, although most men see a full relationship as more important than many women who may later see your friendship as too important to risk losing with a relationship that might not last and often ends with both people parting company due to bad feeling (ladies, correct me if I'm wrong). Obviously there's exceptions.

 

[cberg]

I said it's OK but she does know I want more, however in this case that translates to ceding her a majority of the control. I told her I know she has more creative ideas about these things & that I don't honestly have much of a gender identity. I know she's reticent about going anywhere sexually & don't blame her one bit but we're also both extremely curious.

What I do know is we're going to need each other & I need to learn how to be more approachable.

 

[cberg]

Thanks for the welcome by the way, always a pleasant surprise to this guy.

Can you say to her you know someone as accepting as she only comes along once in a lifetime and you would like to find ways to help each other and get together more? Or do you think that would put too much pressure on her? I mean what you said to us is pretty clear- maybe you could use it as a basis of what to say to her?

Would you say I should get this out in a text or wait until I can see her?

 

[LucyPurrs]

Would you say I should get this out in a text or wait until I can see her?

Not sure- as you know her, you're a better judge of that than I. All I can say is it might be less pressure on her if you did it in writing rather than in person.

 

[cberg]

I think it would feel more honest to just say it rather than hand her a note or let a text message turn it into a cliffhanger. We don't communicate digitally, I think we're both really anxious about spooking the other for any number of reasons. We both live with a lot of pressure most of the time so I'm looking for ways to help us simply escape.