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Too shy to ask women out on dates

Markness

Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
I suffer from strong shyness as well as anxiety and both things have plagued me for many years (I am 31 years old). This is largely why I don’t have a girlfriend and haven’t even had a coffee date for 13 years now. Women almost never make the first move in the culture I live in while men are pressured to take the initiative and I found that out way too late so that doesn’t help things at all. I find the idea of rejection daunting and have experienced it before the few times I’ve come out of my “shell”. I was told “I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.” or “I am too busy.” and my mind keeps feeling like those responses are all I am ever going to get.
 
Barring a miniscule minority, everyone who has achieved any kind of romantic success, permanent or temporary, has endured plenty of rejection on their way.
In patriarchal societies (most of them) men are usually expected to be the primary initiators romantically, and pretty much any man who claims not to have been rejected more often than not, is a bare faced liar.
I understand you fear rejection, it's quite natural to do so, but if you let it paralyse you, you'll never find what you're looking for. Only by learning to accept that before success comes much failure do you stand to achieve your goal.
As those in business are so fond of saying "You have to speculate to accumulate". The world us full of risk. Someone saying "no" is pretty minor compared to the vast majority of them.
 
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Markness said:
I suffer from strong shyness as well as anxiety and both things have plagued me for many years (I am 31 years old). This is largely why I don’t have a girlfriend and haven’t even had a coffee date for 13 years now. Women almost never make the first move in the culture I live in while men are pressured to take the initiative and I found that out way too late so that doesn’t help things at all. I find the idea of rejection daunting and have experienced it before the few times I’ve come out of my “shell”. I was told “I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.” or “I am too busy.” and my mind keeps feeling like those responses are all I am ever going to get.
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Set a goal to become a cordial acquaintance, work up to friend, and then after achieving that work up to asking for a date. While you are doing this look for ways to make yourself appear to be more attractive. It's a process, and like any other process you have to develop skills.
 
Making a friend is so much easier than attempting a date with someone you really don't know. So many preconceptions and expected ritualistic behavior. With an established friend, there aren't many comparable pressures to make you uncomfortable.

And on occasion a friendship just might perhaps blossom into something more.

Just understand that not every friendship will translate into love. But you never know. I speak of such things strictly from experience. The social institution of dating was just never in the cards for me.
 
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This sounds tough for you. The examples you gave sounded like you didn't know the women much, for example, one had a boyfriend but you were not aware of that. I think it's more likely you would meet someone you like through shared interests, or work, or other places where you can build up friendship first.

If you have high autistic traits or Aspergers, it's probably not just shyness you experience, but also the different way our brains operate, for example, slower processing making it hard for you to interpret comments and respond, may be an issue. The challenge then is to find settings where this is less of a problem, perhaps where you regularly see people who share an interest with you, and can gradually build friendships.
 
If you ask people out you don't know well, or even at all, that is likely all you will get. For me, before I would ask someone out, I would like to get to meet and know them a little. During that casual interaction if I am interested, I would look for some encouragement in how they act towards me. If they are indifferent or cold I forget about it. If they are friendly and seem interested then I would ask them out. But I learned just because someone is friendly doesn't mean they are interested in dating, so there still is that chance you have to take of being turned down.
 
How's it going with getting either ECT or that transcranial stimulation thing?

As long as you are mired in intractable depression, dating at all is going to be too demanding for your abilities. You need to move forward on that, and also move out of your parents' house and into some sort of transitional housing, group home, or such. If you do these things, I can imagine you having a girlfriend within one year.
 
GadAbout said:
How's it going with getting either ECT or that transcranial stimulation thing?

As long as you are mired in intractable depression, dating at all is going to be too demanding for your abilities. You need to move forward on that, and also move out of your parents' house and into some sort of transitional housing, group home, or such. If you do these things, I can imagine you having a girlfriend within one year.
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Are you from Wrong Planet? I’ve never mentioned getting ECT or TMS here.
 
I do find it bizarre that people have been discussing me. I have had people bring up my name here before I joined and it wasn’t positive.
 
I can see how that wouldn't feel very good. Is there anything about yourself you can learn from that? Or is it just blamed on others, as in "there are bullies everywhere"?
 
I tend to ruminate a lot; I just get frustrated with how things just don’t seem to be going anywhere.

I got a TMS session scheduled but it won’t happen until the 31st of January.
 
Good luck with that treatment. If you feel comfortable sharing, I think a lot of people on the forum would be curious about your experience with TMS, both anxiety or hope prior to the treatment, and reflections after you've had it.
 
Markness said:
I suffer from strong shyness as well as anxiety and both things have plagued me for many years (I am 31 years old). This is largely why I don’t have a girlfriend and haven’t even had a coffee date for 13 years now. Women almost never make the first move in the culture I live in while men are pressured to take the initiative and I found that out way too late so that doesn’t help things at all. I find the idea of rejection daunting and have experienced it before the few times I’ve come out of my “shell”. I was told “I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.” or “I am too busy.” and my mind keeps feeling like those responses are all I am ever going to get.
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i'd rather be found a girlfriend,while being asked out on a date.
 
GadAbout said:
Good luck with that treatment. If you feel comfortable sharing, I think a lot of people on the forum would be curious about your experience with TMS, both anxiety or hope prior to the treatment, and reflections after you've had it.
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Depending on how I feel, I will talk about it.

I just attended an anime convention for two days. I did have some fun but I still suffered from anxiety, negative thoughts, and difficulty staying present. I feel like I still lag behind others in the culture despite how I regained interest in the medium back in 2007 and I feel like I am out of touch with younger people. To give an example, two young women at the convention were dancing to rap music while I prefer certain kinds of rock music so there’s a gulf between them and I.
 
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Markness said:
Depending on how I feel, I will talk about it.

I feel like I still lag behind others in the culture despite how I regained interest in the medium back in 2007 and I feel like I am out of touch with younger people. To give an example, two young women at the convention were dancing to rap music while I prefer certain kinds of rock music so there’s a gulf between them and I.
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People who like music can like many different styles. Don't make up a reason to prevent approaching someone. There's tons to talk about with strangers. Like their hair color, accessories they might be wearing, clothing they're wearing, having a nice smile, complimenting their dancing and so on.

Talk yourself into making conversation
 
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