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Thoughts on non-monogamous relationships

I was in an ethically nonmonogamous relationship for a while. If you’ve got clear boundaries and you regularly re-evaluate to see if everyone involved is still happy with the arrangements, it works just fine in my book. My boyfriend and I were both free to have casual encounters with others for a year or so, with some rules and restrictions attached. We decided to be exclusive partners later on, but it was fun while it lasted.

Which isn’t to say that being in a monogamous relationship isn’t fun :)
 
Yes I think there's varied ways people may choose to have relationships, that suit themselves. I don't think these styles of relationships imply anything that is wrong, if the people in them enjoy them and are happy, then no one needs to worry. We are talking about difference here, not right and wrong.

Polyamory means someone loves more than one person, and I can definitely see how that can happen, and if carefully negotiated, can turn out fine. I can't though ever imagine a reality of myself coping with more than one committed romantic relationship, as I think one relationship is the most I can do, relationships are pretty hard work in my experience.
 
I think I will prefer that because I can't handle the pressure of being someone elses's "the one," which usually means having to meet all of their emotional needs. I also get bored easily, so variations are nice.

The only way it won't work is if someone does that thing where they secretly want an exclusive relationship but will take what they can get, for now. I suspect this relationship will be best for people who are jaded and are no longer bound to the romantic+sexual monogamous model we were all raised to believe is the only correct way to be in a relationship.
 
I'm neither for, nor against them. I only know that one significant other is waaaaaay plenty for me.
 
I lived next door to a polyamory woman and had to move because of the constant stream of men in and out of the place, day and night, the parties. Had pervy men leering at me over the fence.

Lived in a flat under a pair of swingers, they had superloud sex, like people who get themselves into the papers for that sort of thing.
 
It's up to them.

I personally find polyamory relationships disgusting, and I will never be involved in one. I'd even have problems to be friends with a person who leads what I consider to be a promiscuous life.
 
Trophonius said:
I'd even have problems to be friends with a person who leads what I consider to be a promiscuous life.
Click to expand...

Until my early 20s, when I more or less still identified as religious, I had problems considering friendship with people who cursed, smoked, drank, had tattoos, had premarital sex, was gay, was transgender, or just liked to wear nail polish.

Lucky for me none of those people were interested in my friendship either.
 
It seems I've always encountered the person who says they want a monogamous relationship,
but, they don't and go on the sneak with someone else or more than one other lovers.

This was the reason for three relationship breakups for me.
The lies and cover ups that they were having romantic relationships with others
and telling me they weren't, somehow always got found out by me and I couldn't go for it.

I'm not against it when it is in the open and both parties agree.
 
I’ve never been with more than one at a time. As @Major Tom said...one is enough. But I also can’t really imagine how it would work unless on some level something is missing.

I mean, I can see varying partners sexually could be interesting, while not having to keep finding new ones. Creates a certain stability and familiarity which could be nice. I can definitely love more than one person at a time. And I get @selena point of not expecting someone or me to be ‘the one’. But not to feel that special exclusivity. Not to know we are together and it isn’t being shared. That we are enough for each other and can grow together. Hmmm...

But then none of my relationships have lasted, so perhaps I’ve been doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome long enough. They say that’s a sign of insanity. They might be right.
 
Coming across one person who strikes my fancy is rare enough, so meeting two or more seems utterly impossible.

As for other people, they can do as they please. It’s none of my business. Although I do suspect that in many instances, “polyamory” may be a red herring term for sex addiction.
 
SimonSays said:
That we are enough for each other and can grow together.
Click to expand...
I often see this argument against nonmonogamy. But in my opinion it’s not about not being enough for each other. If you love more than one person and every party is fine with not being the only partner, why would you need to choose?

And can a couple not grow together through shared experiences as well? My boyfriend and I briefly dated a girl together. We decided not to get more serious, but we still fondly recall that time, and are still friends with the girl. It was actually a nice bonding experience.

I’m not trying to preach nonmonogamy to anyone, people should do what makes them happy as long as it’s all legal and consensual, in my book.
 
Bolletje said:
If you love more than one person and every party is fine with not being the only partner, why would you need to choose?

And can a couple not grow together through shared experiences as well? My boyfriend and I briefly dated a girl together. We decided not to get more serious, but we still fondly recall that time, and are still friends with the girl. It was actually a nice bonding experience.
Click to expand...
What you describe does sound interesting, just alien to me. The customs of the inhabitants of another planet. I would be open to know what it might be like, even just to see it working in real life with others. A parallel reality where relationships I struggle with anyway can work in really different ways. But you have had the experience and consider it positive; that validates it for me.
 
I'm pretty sure I'm demisexual and I'm monogamous. In my much much younger years I lived a very libertine lifestyle and while I was more or less monogamous back then, I had a lot of short-lived "flings" which was my desire at the time. I could have been truly polyamorous at that stage in my life but none of it would have involved real "love". For me loving someone in a relationship that includes sex is a very big investment and I don't seem to have the capacity to have that kind of emotional investment in more than one person at a time. Which...given that I'm monogamous, is a good thing!
 
The only thing that really irritates me about nonmonogamy is its claim that it's somehow more enlightened (or more natural) than monogamy. It's not a new argument and isn't always given, but enough that I'm like, "No thanks, I don't do elitists."

But I'm demi, too. Maybe I'd feel differently if I my orientation were different.
 
Kalinychta said:
As for other people, they can do as they please. It’s none of my business. Although I do suspect that in many instances, “polyamory” may be a red herring term for sex addiction.
Click to expand...
zozie said:
The only thing that really irritates me about nonmonogamy is its claim that it's somehow more enlightened (or more natural) than monogamy. It's not a new argument and isn't always given, but enough that I'm like, "No thanks, I don't do elitists."
Click to expand...

Reminds me of this tweet:
"Polyamory is when you date more than one person at the same time. But because you are enlightened or something, not because you are horny."

https://twitter.com/existentialcoms/status/751221756937986048
 
As long as everybody is 18+ and consenting I ain't going to judge. I also wouldn't mind being in a poly relationship myself.
 
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