Thoughts on being alone

[Sam Wilson]

So a little background I'm a 23 year old man with very niche hobbies and few friends (all NT). Well recently my friends stopped hanging out with me and went on to do more social activities (hiking, sports, travel) with other people. They know that I dread those activities but I insisted that if they really want to do it they should.

Well I'm at peace with it up until this morning, the very last friend that I share a hobby with stopped caring about it too and started to do other things to hang out with other people (more accessible people like work friends).

Now I'm stuck alone with no one to talk to, I don't even envy them for doing what they do, and usually I have no problems being alone but when I discovered that my friends were doing what they do to try and get closer to women...well you can say I finally shattered. He even posted pictures captioned "I choose to live" as if my activities aren't "living" I feel betrayed, alone and confused.

How could my so called "friends" change the very things that defines them, that makes them happy, just so you can get a companion of the opposite sex. I don't really get the concept of going out of your way to get girls that are not all that interesting just because you feel alone. They should feel complete doing what they do and it's moments like this that makes me question can I really keep this up forever or just try and act normal for once.

Honestly its hard for me to sacrifice what makes me me. But people make being around other people (people who knows nothing about anything you like) fun that it makes me doubt who I am. Now spending Fridays and Saturdays alone feel like a chore knowing that my so called friends would rather go out clubbing than hang out with me. I really want to feel indifferent to stop caring about them altogether, the feeling kinda stings knowing that the people you chose to spend time and establish ties with only hangs out with you because they had nothing better to do.

Sorry for the long post mixed emotions were brewing and I just had to post.Any thoughts?

 

[Marcus]

I know the world of being alone all too well. I literally have no friends in real life at all, I spend most of my time sitting in the dark. It’s not like I have anything better to do.

I have online friends, but it’s not the same as someone physically being there.

It’s hard for me to trust people because I’ve had people in my past just leave me for no reason or because they grew tired of my obsession with Star Wars.

So, I relate to you, and I would have no problem being a friend if you want that.

 

[Sam Wilson]

Thank you, I appreciate your candor. Does it get any easier being alone I mean? Loosing the last friend I have I better get used to it I guess.

 

[Misery]

To be honest, there's no easy solution to this one.

One problem I've always had in dealing with NTs: most of them are, well, part of the hive mind that is general society. The hive mind says: Everyone goes clubbing (or similar "social" activities"). Everyone must be in relationships. They will do these things, particularly the social activities, EVEN IF THEY DONT GENUINELY WANT TO. Why? Because they think they MUST.

You, on the other hand, are clearly not very affected by that aspect. Society says, do this: You... just dont. I'm the same way. I dont want to go to clubs or bars or blah blah blah. I dont drink. And I dont want to make a bunch of rather fake friendships (often the result of this type of social activity) just to see more "acceptable" in typical society. That'd go against who I am, completely.

Also, you said this: "He even posted pictures captioned "I choose to live""

This is another behavior that seems common in this context. People often do this as a way to say "Hey everyone, look how social and acceptable I am!". If you pay attention to how alot of people act, both IRL and on things like social media (PARTICULARLY there), you'll see them do this CONSTANTLY. One example of this is people FREQUENTLY posting pics of themselves drinking, with or without friends (as drinking is considered "very social" for reasons I dont even remotely understand). If you look at how they talk about it, the comments they make as they do this, it's... as if they're actually showing off. Despite doing nothing that's actually impressive. But they see it as making them look good to others, so they show it off.

However, again, people will do this even if they DONT actually want to. One of my friends is like that. Whenever we're at a convention (anime con), he will ALWAYS force himself, at least once, to go over to the restaurant or whatever (in the hotel) and drink some alcohol. Outside of these events? NEVER touches the stuff. Never. But at those events? Because it's the social thing to do, he'll bloody well do it, even though I know him well enough to know that he doesnt actually like it.

And the sad part of all of this in general to me, is pretty much what you said: That bit where people will abandon everything else that makes them who they are, JUST so they can look more social and chase relationships.

For someone on the spectrum, it's often very, very different: Our interests are part of our core... we cant seperate from them, and sure as bloody hell dont want to. For many of us, you couldnt PAY us to do that (well, maybe an extreme amount of money could do it, but.... even than, in many cases, it still wouldnt work). We often dont consider the social aspects of things to be very important (provided we give a crap at all), and so, dealing with people like the ones you mentioned often leads to stupid.

I, personally, got very bloody lucky in terms of having friends that actually understand me and my condition, and never hold it against me. They know I dont want to do alot of social events, and they know that I may have prolonged periods where I dont contact them. I've made it clear that there's no offense to be taken from it... it's just the way I am. And it's been like that for YEARS.

However, I only have a couple of friends. No big social circle. Finding people like that, among NTs, is.... not easy.

But dont forget: You are in a place, right here, where there are LOTS of people who will understand you. Hell, I easily understand just where you're coming from, as you sound *very* similar to me in terms of how you look at this sort of thing.

Maybe try meeting some new friends here? I know, meeting people on the internet can seem a little daunting, or just odd, but... as someone who has been on the internet since there's BEEN an internet, I can tell you, yes, it really can work. One of my closest friends, who I've known for years, I met online, and later in person (he lives far from me though). You can meet plenty of nice people on here if you're willing to put in the effort. And alot of us WILL understand you. You dont have to "try to be normal" (which, frankly, is a waste of time in my opinion) around people here. You can actually be yourself. I think that's worth it.

 

[Sam Wilson]

Well thanks for sharing. I'm glad to hear that there are people who understand.

 

[Dorkasour]

To be honest, there's no easy solution to this one.

One problem I've always had in dealing with NTs: most of them are, well, part of the hive mind that is general society. The hive mind says: Everyone goes clubbing (or similar "social" activities"). Everyone must be in relationships. They will do these things, particularly the social activities, EVEN IF THEY DONT GENUINELY WANT TO. Why? Because they think they MUST.

I was going to reply with the same comment. It is very disheartening to hear but I do find that a lot of NT men feel very pressured by their peers and society as a whole to fit a mold, whether they want to or not. It's a internal battle. You seem comfortable in your position to not partake in social evens but something about there life makes them feel like they have to.

Maybe these men want to find relationships and trying out new activities to find partners? Some men (and women) don't mind trying new things, even if they don't like it, just to meet new people.

 

[Fitzo]

I think part of the issue here is the age group you're in. It's pretty common for young men AND women in their twenties to feel ready to start looking for a mate.
Added to that is the constant peer pressure which is driven to ridiculous lengths by social media these days. People feel they have to be, and be seen to be, keeping up with others in social situations. There has to be the requisite number of selfies taken in 'trendy' places to 'prove' they're having enough 'fun'. That is huge pressure and in my view not good for people's long term mental health or sense of self worth! And it's not 'real'.
But it is the reality of being a young person living in 2018.

 

[SusanLR]

I never understood that need to be "in."
But, it's true, for NTs there is a hive mentality.
And the drive to be socially active and found to be
accepted by the masses is very strong.

My belief is that a lot of this goes back as far as
mankind has existed. It's built into the genes and DNA
to ensure survival of the human race. Sex, peer acceptance, and the want not to feel alone are very strong in most.
Only thing is for us, the want not to feel alone may
be there, but, the hive mentality and drive isn't.
Which is worse?
Doing things that you don't want in order to not be alone,
or doing what you want even if it means being alone?

Fortunately some find being alone not that bad or even
prefer it.
Others who don't want to be alone don't give up hope.
There are others that you would fit in with and find likeness with. The hard part is finding them.
At least it always has been for me.
We are a minority in a mostly NT world.

 

[Dorkasour]

^ I wish I could be content in being alone. Depression sets in real hard for me if I don't partake in social events. If I could go through life not feeling like I HAVE to interact with other people I'd be happier xD

 

[Zuliac]

You are not susceptible to social pressure. I think that's awesome! But you have to understand that most people are. I mean, that's kind of the point of a society - a group of people who all agree to meet certain interpersonal parameters. That is precisely what gives that sense of belonging, cohesiveness, and order that make modern civilizations work. Western societies say that your 20s are when you perform mating rituals, pair up, start a family, and consider settling down.

This is not the first time that you will see this shift in people around you. Some people will stay single, and they get sort of grouped together with common schedules and interests, etc. Married/coupled people will share similar lifestyles. Then wait until some of them start making babies. That's a whole other level of friendships falling off. Later in life, some people will have grandchildren or go into retirement. Others stay awesome.

The point is, your friends will not stay the same throughout your life. You are 23, so you have hit a time in your life when people's interests and goals shift. Very few people I know still have the same close friends they did in their 20s, let alone their teenage years. It is normal and natural.

The problem you may have now is that you have Asperger's and you need to make new friends. It's rough. All of us here can relate to that.

However, you also have the option of joining in activities with your old friends. My partner is a DJ and I have to go to clubs with him even though I am really not that into it. But I do it because he is important to me, and so are his interests. You may make the decision that your friends are that important to you, too, so you make some sacrifices for them. The result should be that they make some sacrifices for you as well and join you in some of the activities you used to do together. Those are meaningful relationships - compromise, give-and-take.

Something I do when I go to the club and I am not really feeling it is observe, sort of like an anthropologist (I have a degree in anthropology). Watch how people interact with others, what the production is like, what the fashion is like - anything that interests you. Try to pick up on body language and pickups that actually work for other men because, inevitably, you are also going to want to meet a girl (or boy) one day. It's animal. You won't be able to help it.

Also, even at the worst shows you can usually find a couple of cool people. You will not be the only outcast, I guarantee it. And, of course, you can always *gasp* dance. Are people laughing at you? Maybe. Probably. Who cares? You are having a great time. I usually actually appreciate people more if they just lose themselves in the music. Nightclubs are a great place to let loose and try on different personalities because everyone is acting a fool. It's nighttime. It's dark. People are (if you're lucky and in a cool place) doing naughty things.

One last word of advice about going to nightclubs: find the underground. You will feel at home.

 

[Mary Anne]

How could my so called "friends" change the very things that defines them, that makes them happy, just so you can get a companion of the opposite sex. I don't really get the concept of going out of your way to get girls that are not all that interesting just because you feel alone. They should feel complete doing what they do and it's moments like this that makes me question can I really keep this up forever or just try and act normal for once.

Now spending Fridays and Saturdays alone feel like a chore knowing that my so called friends would rather go out clubbing than hang out with me.

It’s called growing up, and hormonal changes. Or in a simpler word: “biology.” It’s normal for young people to become aware of the opposite sex, and want to do exciting things like go out “clubbing.” Hormonal changes naturally happen in the teenage years, and awaken powerful sex drives. People want to engage in exploration their sexual and social desires. By their 20s, people are raging hormonal sexual beings. This might not be what you feel, but it’s normal and healthy for most people- especially NTs. They are not trying to ignore you, but they are engaging in normal healthy life changes.