This girl from Youth Club

[Mya S]

Hello,



My crush keeps on blocking me and she needs some space from me and yet she wants to video call with our friends each evening. I texted her I 'need some space' I'm a bit confused on how to move on with the friendship. I texted her 'blocking people isn't very nice and I think I will give you space over the weekend'. I texted her also 'I need some space from you too because you keep on texting me on WhatsApp'. I confronted her why she blocked me once again and then she said 'go away' to me. I said 'have a lovely weekend, I will give you some space and I will speak to you soon'.



I'm very confused and can you help me please with how to move on with our friendship? Does she deserve to be my friend do you think?



I'll update you on more on what she keeps on doing to me.



Thanks,

 

[Rodafina]

I would recommend giving space and taking it at the same time. This sounds like very unhealthy communication and likely engaging with different people could help you to learn what better communication will feel like. Everything you described feels like a dead end for building a close relationship.

 

[Hypnalis]

As far as your friend is concerned, you're an orbiter/satellite. Your job is to provide attention/validation along with your fellow satellites.

Simplest plan: disengage gradually. Easy, efficient, it won't register on the wannabe center of attention.

If you have a taste for it, dramatic exits and "nukes" are of course possible. But ultimately it's a waste of time unless you're looking for a chance to develop or practice your skills.

 

[Owl]

I concur you probably want to slowly drift away and find someone else. That can be hard, but yes there isn't anything healthy about that description. When I was a teenager there was a girl I had a major crush on who liked to cultivate multiple quasi romantic interests at any given time plus the occasional actual boyfriend she might keep secret from the rest because she didn't want the semi boyfriends to back away out of respect for her decision to go steady. I was in a religion at the time that insisted teenagers shouldn't go steady so I didn't make the connection that something was wrong with the picture I was seeing. Granted it was more just immaturity that everybody has to grow out of eventually rather than malicious intent, but it didn't stop it from hurting in the end when eventually things fell apart. I would have been better off not letting myself respond to the confusing mix of "I'll do a little cuddling, flirt, and even tell you I love you but I'm doing that with like 4 other guys so don't think it means anything". If someone isn't respecting you just leave. If someone clearly doesn't want to be with just you but is keeping you around almost like they want a backup plan for when they get bored with someone else just leave. There is no good outcome that can come out of being treated like that.

 

[Owl]

Put it another way, in a healthy relationship once things are far enough along that you are having serious feelings everyone will need to be able to communicate clearly regarding whether the relationship should continue. Its almost impossible to be "just friends" after things have gotten to that point. If someone wants you around they should communicate that. If they don't want you around they should tell you so and you should respect it. If you are caught in a limbo between those states you might need to examine a couple of things. First the two of you simply might not be mature enough to be in a serious relationship yet even if nobody is being malicious. But on the other hand you might be being used. Or you might unintentionally be falling into the pattern of being a stalker and need to take a break to let yourself grow emotionally. One way or another something isn't right.

 

[Owl]

Another story this reminds me of. When I was around I don't know maybe 13 to 15 (it's been a long time, don't recall exact timing) there was a girl about a year younger than me that got a crush on me when I didn't reciprocate. I was a little suspicious it was happening because the girl started making a point to spend time around me but she was friendly and I was happy enough to be just friends. She tried to relay a message through my little sister asking if I liked her. Trying to not be harsh I requested a return message of "not more than any other girls". My little sister didn't pick up any of the nuance in that statement, ignored the essential "no but I don't dislike you either" that I was going for, and told the girl that I had a crush on her. Suddenly the persistant spending time around me being friendly escalated rather dramatically to requests to go find time to be alone together or to for example play twister one on one with no adults around. I wasn't the kind of guy who welcomed the opportunity to get physical with someone I wasn't actually interested in and due to my parents heavy handed "you'll grow up to be a serial rapist/murderer unless you are lucky" approach to parenting I wasn't really that interested in anything physical with anyone at that time. I had to explain that my little sister had lied and in the end I had to be very persistant to drive home that the increased attention was no longer welcome. If we had just continued as just friends without the attempt to escalate things so fast maybe we could have been great friends and maybe an actual romantic relationship could have been possible, who knows. But it turned into an unhealthy situation and had no future. I don't know the exact details of your situation, but don't ever ignore warning signs when someone is telling you they aren't interested or need you to be less pushy about getting their attention. It can feel like death when someone wants to be just casual friends when you want to be romantically involved, but it's better to have a healthy casual friendship while being sad that nothing more is happening than risk becoming a stalker who has to be driven away by harsh methods.