I was talking with a friend of mine and had an epiphany of sorts. Would like your feedback.
I recently broached the maybe-you-have-Asperger's subject with my bf. We have had some relationship issues I felt were influenced by his ASD-like thinking. He is almost 50 years old and says no one has ever suggested it. He disagrees about "having" Asperger's but says he can relate to some of the features. Plus, he says, what would he do about it anyway?
I had broken up with him prior to this convo because he is obsessed with weight, diet, exercise, etc. and was putting his unrealistic expectations on me to the point of being judgmental. I couldn't deal with it and won't put up with someone disrespecting me. We later had a long talk and I set limits with what he could say to me. It was probably the second serious talk we've had in our year-long relationship and it went quite well. In spite of our productive talk, I'm still resentful about some things he has said and those he hasn't said.
He doesn't do the compliment thing. I've explained it on many occasions- why it's important to give your partner positive feedback. I tell him I don't think he "gets it" and he says "I'm not a moron". I think, "No comment". LOL He truly does not understand my (and almost every other woman's) need to feel desirable and physically attractive. Getting a compliment from him is like pulling teeth and it feels pretty sucky to ask for one. I know he is attracted to me, it just feels demoralizing to never hear it.
In a moment of seriousness he said that it's not easy to compliment me when he feels bad about himself. He says it feels awkward. I thought that was extremely selfish. Then I realized something. I started to think back to the times when I've felt insulted by him. Every single time has been over a subject that he judges himself on like skipping the gym, eating something "unhealthy", being productive enough, etc. It occurred to me that it's as if he sees me as himself. Could this be the whole "theory of mind" thing - the inability to put oneself in someone else's shoes? Assuming everyone thinks or should think like you do? When I've told him in the past not everyone thinks like he does, he responds, "they should." I'm thinking he really doesn't get it.
Has anyone else experienced this type of dynamic?
I recently broached the maybe-you-have-Asperger's subject with my bf. We have had some relationship issues I felt were influenced by his ASD-like thinking. He is almost 50 years old and says no one has ever suggested it. He disagrees about "having" Asperger's but says he can relate to some of the features. Plus, he says, what would he do about it anyway?
I had broken up with him prior to this convo because he is obsessed with weight, diet, exercise, etc. and was putting his unrealistic expectations on me to the point of being judgmental. I couldn't deal with it and won't put up with someone disrespecting me. We later had a long talk and I set limits with what he could say to me. It was probably the second serious talk we've had in our year-long relationship and it went quite well. In spite of our productive talk, I'm still resentful about some things he has said and those he hasn't said.
He doesn't do the compliment thing. I've explained it on many occasions- why it's important to give your partner positive feedback. I tell him I don't think he "gets it" and he says "I'm not a moron". I think, "No comment". LOL He truly does not understand my (and almost every other woman's) need to feel desirable and physically attractive. Getting a compliment from him is like pulling teeth and it feels pretty sucky to ask for one. I know he is attracted to me, it just feels demoralizing to never hear it.
In a moment of seriousness he said that it's not easy to compliment me when he feels bad about himself. He says it feels awkward. I thought that was extremely selfish. Then I realized something. I started to think back to the times when I've felt insulted by him. Every single time has been over a subject that he judges himself on like skipping the gym, eating something "unhealthy", being productive enough, etc. It occurred to me that it's as if he sees me as himself. Could this be the whole "theory of mind" thing - the inability to put oneself in someone else's shoes? Assuming everyone thinks or should think like you do? When I've told him in the past not everyone thinks like he does, he responds, "they should." I'm thinking he really doesn't get it.
Has anyone else experienced this type of dynamic?
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