The Umbrella.

[Daydreamer]

Every so often I form fairly minor habits that repeat a significant amount of times, and aren't always easy to break. I don't always want to break them, since they can be comforting.

One that I used to have involved an umbrella. It was a small hand-held one that had a strap you could wrap around the middle of the umbrella to keep it tidy. When I was at school I would wrap it around my wrist, then I would drop the umbrella allowing it to extend to its full height and afterwards I would push it back to the smaller size. Then I would throw it up twice (whilst still tied loosely around my wrist) and on the second time I would catch it in my hand, only to repeat the process numerous times.

It must've looked quite peculiar to the other students, occasionally people would ask me why I did such an action, and usually I would just shrug and/or murmur some vague response.

The number of times I did this pattern didn't matter to me, I would often do it when walking down the RS corridor. Somehow it made me feel as if nothing else mattered; not even the bullying, or the pain, the horrible teachers, or even various other fairly unpleasant elements of my past. All that seemed to matter was that umbrella and the mindless action of throwing it in the air to catch it. Temporary happiness was achieved by this, but I found that it was starting to take up too much of my thoughts and time so I decided to cut it out slowly (catching on the first throw, not the second.... not letting it drop down to its full height and so on until I no longer felt the desire to do this process).

It's odd how a simple small thing can start to take up a big part of your life sometimes. Not fully sure why I'm making this thread but maybe you can relate to this in some way, and if not I guess at least you know a fun fact about my life I suppose. Even now I occasionally find myself doing the hand action subconsciously, even though I no longer carry the umbrella.

 

[Autistamatic]

Sounds like a variety of stimming to me. May look a little odd to outsiders, but it's probably a lot less odd than the things some people do
I have always carried a pair of miniature folding pliers in my pocket, a multitool I suppose I should call it. I find myself constantly unfolding and refolding them with one hand when I'm stressed or deep in thought. I was also given an infinity cube a couple of years ago which I also find very relaxing - a similar one handed folding motion.

 

[Major Tom]

I have repetitive thoughts like that, memories from the past usually. I use them to escape from bad situations or overwhelming ones. Sometimes too they are out of control and I have to force myself to stop because I cease to live in the now, and get stuck in a loop from the past.

 

[sarepta]

The number of times I did this pattern didn't matter to me, I would often do it when walking down the RS corridor. Somehow it made me feel as if nothing else mattered; not even the bullying, or the pain, the horrible teachers, or even various other fairly unpleasant elements of my past. All that seemed to matter was that umbrella and the mindless action of throwing it in the air to catch it.

I enjoyed reading your post. It made me sad, but also it sort of explains something that might be hard for nt's to understand. Thank you!

 

[Progster]

I'm not sure that this is the same thing, but I have a certain way I play with my hair because I like the feel of it, and I want to maximise that sensation.

 

[SusanLR]

Comfort stimming.
A very common thing with us.
I have one of those furry balls that hooks onto my purse and I find myself stroking it often
especially when out in a crowd.
Inside my car I have a stress ball in one of the cup holders and I keep two rocks in the tray above my gear shift.
Sometimes I turn too quickly and one of the rocks fall out into the floor.
I find it and put it back. They both have personal meanings.

 

[Daydreamer]

Sounds like a variety of stimming to me. May look a little odd to outsiders, but it's probably a lot less odd than the things some people do
I have always carried a pair of miniature folding pliers in my pocket, a multitool I suppose I should call it. I find myself constantly unfolding and refolding them with one hand when I'm stressed or deep in thought. I was also given an infinity cube a couple of years ago which I also find very relaxing - a similar one handed folding motion.

Hmm, I'm not so sure. Personally I've always referred to it as either fidgeting, a compulsion, or just a habit. I also sometimes flap my hands and rock back and forth, which I'm aware is fairly common stimming behaviour, but I don't tend to refer to such things as stims because I don't know if I'm autistic or not, so using such terminology doesn't feel quite right.

I guess the difficult part is that some of my behaviour can be explained by my past, and it's not always easy separating out what is from what could be potentially something else. Personally, I think that if I ever got an assessment, I wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis. Maybe BAP (Broad Autism Phenotype) could explain me.

 

[Autistamatic]

Stimming takes many forms. It's essentially any behaviour (including thought processes) that makes us feel more comfortable, helps us think, or takes our minds off stress. It can take many forms.
I used to have facial tics which were socially awkward, but they were also a form of stimming. Pulling a particular face felt oddly comfortable in a physical way, but I realised much later that it also distracts me. My awareness of my need to tic takes my attention away from the stressor. I have to make far less conscious effort not to tic now than I used to, but when I'm particularly down they come back.
Some NTs also exhibit stimming behaviours, but it's far more commonplace on the spectrum than in the rest of the population.
On your comment about how your behaviours may be the product of past experiences. It's a valid point, but it has to be said that all the stimming behaviours people on the spectrum demonstrate, are things they have learned in one way or another. They are also products of their experiences - reactions to past situations that have become habit. You will only know if you are on the spectrum for certain if you get a diagnosis, but if you get a positive one it presents you with a very personal chicken and egg question.
My behaviour may be a product of my experiences, but how many of my experiences were determined by my autistic behaviour?

 

[Daydreamer]

Some NTs also exhibit stimming behaviours, but it's far more commonplace on the spectrum than in the rest of the population.

I know that some people object to the word being used when describing behaviour of an allistic individual, hence my hesitancy.

On your comment about how your behaviours may be the product of past experiences. It's a valid point, but it has to be said that all the stimming behaviours people on the spectrum demonstrate, are things they have learned in one way or another. They are also products of their experiences - reactions to past situations that have become habit. You will only know if you are on the spectrum for certain if you get a diagnosis, but if you get a positive one it presents you with a very personal chicken and egg question.
My behaviour may be a product of my experiences, but how many of my experiences were determined by my autistic behaviour?

You bring up an excellent point. Sometimes it is difficult to figure out what is innate in our individual nature, and what is learned. For example, I often attribute my claustrophobia to the bullying that I experienced (people cramming me into corners etc.) however, according to my school notes I showed potential signs of this before the bullying started. It's possible that my dislike of crowds was connected to my social anxiety and selective mutism (fear of talking leading to avoiding others and being fearful of potential contact). However, if that was the only contributing factor then you'd assume that my dislike of crowds and small spaces would've lessened to a significant degree when I started to talk in public and gain confidence.

I also remember punching a kid in the face as a young child because he got too close to me and I freaked out. The school was often negligent and left me perhaps a tad paranoid about people's true intentions, so it's possible that my negative experiences led to me acting out, but it's also possible that I have an underlying inherent dislike of touch that goes beyond nurture/ my experiences. With things such as this, it's often a mixture of nature and nurture. The bullying was a result of pre-existing claustrophobia being targeted by individuals, and it definitely worsened its severity. I've had moments of panic when in a narrow section of a library, so I would say that my claustrophobia is fairly bad these days. Breathing in and out slowly helps.

My senses do seem to be more sensitive than most, so it is entirely possible that before all the bullying and fear/anxiety began, there was an underlying discomfort surrounding close touch. It's difficult to pinpoint when it all started and why, as a lot of contributing factors have added to my phobia. This extends to hugs, I tend to dislike tight hugs (loose ones are fine though). They remind me of when I was shoved between two power assisted doors by a group of teenagers when I was fifteen year old, a bunch of them pushed each door on both sides.

Fortunately, no serious physical damage was done but I was left mentally shaken with considerable pain surrounding my back and waist areas. It was rather dangerous, and I am glad that I was fortunate enough that it didn't cause me lasting damage. However, I don't think I've ever liked tight hugs anyway even before that particular incident.