Care to put in your 5 cents?

[Aspychata]

So l think l am seeing someone who maybe on the spectrum. Truly at first l had no idea about this person or myself even being on the spectrum. So l have done some very stupid things but it's due to stress of my living environment. At times this person says they need their space and l get that. But it hurts like a knife that they won't call and say hi periodically. I have always been respectful except two times where l was experiencing highly stressful events and just hoped for a hug that's it. Is it wrong for me to ask for an occasional call or is it common for people on the spectrum to completely drop off due to stress from our friendship? l also have pushed him away several times because l have had to battle huge amounts of issues and it's been ongoing for 5 years. He says he needs his space. l really don't invite myself over. Is it okay to talk about this? Currently l am now seeing a therapist to deal with PTSD and l can sometimes trigger with respect to my ex. I really care for this person, but the other part of me wants to run and hide. Is this typical of us being on the spectrum? We didn't meet for almost two years. I was battered from divorce and was to frighten to even go to airport because of all the people there. Mainly how should l talk to this person?

When l mentioned dates of when we met, they get extremely uncomfortable, that makes me feel really bad and l don't know why but l am afraid to ask. Sometimes l feel like l am walking on eggshells and everthing l do is a screwup. Is it okay to ask for clarification? First l never called, then they acted like they wanted me to call , then l was told not to call. The double messages can be daunting. Are double messages part of the spectrum? Is this difficult because we are both on the spectrum? When we are together, the sun comes out, and we jell beautifully. But the communication, his lack of it, and my ability to push him away when stressed sucks.

 

[BraidedPony]

Did you write that post or did I? Let me wake up and gather my thoughts before I reply...but I have very similar relationship questions that I'm trying to find the answers to.
The point...you aren't alone!

 

[Wolfnox]

Speaking on the aspergers part. Yeah, I have done that in other things. If i feel over comitted or its negatively affecting my life.

 

[Aspychata]

Trying to come to grips with who l am. Trying and suceeding with less triggers. It's a tough road due to apparently being married and weirdness of abusive ex trying to get me back. It took one year to smile again after leaving him. l was so afraid he was going to pop up and steal any little bit of happiness. Then l cycled through battered woman syndrome. Now l am working thru the final part of the trauma.

For awhile l had anxiety from this friendship because of the double messages. If you think someone is already working through things, is it fair to make them feel like a complete idiot in where they think you stand? Feel this person is honest, and they actually have been communicating more *honestly*. So l feel a little bit more stable. What really happens? l think we experience a very close intensity when together, then we run for the hills and bunker down because we both feel super threatened. Wish we both had more maturity and enjoyed it for a great friendship if that's all this person wants.

What friendship hurdles have those at the forum gone through? Do you feel friendships are as threatening to people on spectrum? Have you ever brought up how long you have known someone and find they felt threatened? How did you handle this?

Now l truly support abused woman because the path is tough. If you can donate or support a safe house for battered woman, l ask kindly that you considered it.

 

[Tom]

This is not really on target, or specifically about autistics only, but as an aside I notice people also seem to operate at different speeds. To use the old record album analogy (its not as easily visualized for me when talking modern device giga-whats) some run at 33 rpm and others 78. It can be different aspects, like energy or intensity. Though my mind operates fast I tend to live slow (more so as I have aged) and a lot of interaction with others is very taxing. Untenable really. So with high speed people I have to only have a short (albeit enjoyable) time together with long intervals between. Being married to a high speed NT I found the balance by not trying to inhibit my wife's complete freedom to go where she wants alone or with whomever for as long as she wants. I find that her being gone often helpful for me to recharge and be a better person when we are together.

 

[Mia]

That's a tough situation to be in. It takes a long time to recover from abuse. Maybe a lifetime. And it's doubly difficult because there could be triggers that come from the abuse when you least expect it.

I met a guy soon after I ended an extremely abusive relationship. On the rebound as it were. I was so confused, didn't know who I was. I was completely on my own, living by myself, didn't know a soul in a strange city. It was a very scary time. I had a job, a place to live, and the people I worked with became my family. Slowly, I was able to keep myself occupied going to school at night and working during the day. It felt like I did that for many years, so I didn't have to think about things that had happened.

Yet I was effected by the past, it just sort of sat there like a time bomb, waiting for something to happen that triggered the nightmares and the fear. Some thing, really anything that brought back the past, a reaction, a look, a gesture, a situation. The old boyfriend showed up a few times attempting to get in to my apartment. One night in a snowstorm he showed up barefoot in the lobby, like a penitent. He wanted me to feel sorry for him, but it didn't work. It was at that point, that I realized that I was not as much of a pushover as I thought at the time.

These things change you, and they make you stronger and angry and sad. Maybe it's the anger that keeps us sane. Think the anger eventually becomes self-preservation, understanding ourselves along the way. This time, with this relationship I entered it on my terms as well. And maybe that's what your experiencing, something for yourself rather than all about the other person. Could be that it must be about your needs as well.

 

[BraidedPony]

I have trouble knowing if someone likes me or not. I assume this is an autie thing.
So I am always thinking...is he giving off signals that he likes me or is it just wishful thinking on my part? I can worry over it forever and of course there is no answers that way.
This leaves me with the options of doing nothing or just letting the guy know how I feel.
I am not saying this as advice, only that it is what I did, I opened up about my feelings. The result is I lost a great friend because....I guess I will never know why. He has chosen to cut off communications with me. He is autie too. But I don't know if I scared him, repulsed him, or he just forgot about me altogether.
I have always struggled with relationships.
If your guy says he wants space, but never contacts you to explain, then I think it might be best to find a different boyfriend. He either sucks at communication or needs more space than you are comfortable with. In a way it doesn't matter if you love each other, because love alone doesn't mean you are compatible.
In hindsight, I should have kept my big mouth shut and enjoyed our friendship.

 

[Streetwise]

So l think l am seeing someone who maybe on the spectrum. Truly at first l had no idea about this person or myself even being on the spectrum. So l have done some very stupid things but it's due to stress of my living environment. At times this person says they need their space and l get that. But it hurts like a knife that they won't call and say hi periodically. I have always been respectful except two times where l was experiencing highly stressful events and just hoped for a hug that's it. Is it wrong for me to ask for an occasional call or is it common for people on the spectrum to completely drop off due to stress from our friendship? l also have pushed him away several times because l have had to battle huge amounts of issues and it's been ongoing for 5 years. He says he needs his space. l really don't invite myself over. Is it okay to talk about this? Currently l am now seeing a therapist to deal with PTSD and l can sometimes trigger with respect to my ex. I really care for this person, but the other part of me wants to run and hide. Is this typical of us being on the spectrum? We didn't meet for almost two years. I was battered from divorce and was to frighten to even go to airport because of all the people there. Mainly how should l talk to this person?

When l mentioned dates of when we met, they get extremely uncomfortable, that makes me feel really bad and l don't know why but l am afraid to ask. Sometimes l feel like l am walking on eggshells and everthing l do is a screwup. Is it okay to ask for clarification? First l never called, then they acted like they wanted me to call , then l was told not to call. The double messages can be daunting. Are double messages part of the spectrum? Is this difficult because we are both on the spectrum? When we are together, the sun comes out, and we jell beautifully. But the communication, his lack of it, and my ability to push him away when stressed sucks.

It’s the first !experience of change that most people don’t like ,the most powerful ,I experience it a lot because of panic disorder I survive second to second , if I tried to say anything else it will inevitably involve the Bible so I’ll stop .

 

[Fino]

Asking for clarification sounds like a great idea to me.

"Double messages" could possibly be due to conflicting desires, such as a desire to be alone combined with missing you.

 

[Aspychata]

@Fino Thanks, l never thought like that. I was more like why does he keep flinging double messages, my brain can't function on this.

 

[Aspychata]

I have trouble knowing if someone likes me or not. I assume this is an autie thing.
So I am always thinking...is he giving off signals that he likes me or is it just wishful thinking on my part? I can worry over it forever and of course there is no answers that way.
This leaves me with the options of doing nothing or just letting the guy know how I feel.
I am not saying this as advice, only that it is what I did, I opened up about my feelings. The result is I lost a great friend because....I guess I will never know why. He has chosen to cut off communications with me. He is autie too. But I don't know if I scared him, repulsed him, or he just forgot about me altogether.
I have always struggled with relationships.
If your guy says he wants space, but never contacts you to explain, then I think it might be best to find a different boyfriend. He either sucks at communication or needs more space than you are comfortable with. In a way it doesn't matter if you love each other, because love alone doesn't mean you are compatible.
In hindsight, I should have kept my big mouth shut and enjoyed our friendship.

I totally agree. l am totally happy on his schedule. You nailed it. l don't like to say much. I have had a good life and l don't need to do much except just stay happy now. l just like to know what the schedule is and say hi, because that keeps us connected.

 

[BraidedPony]

I totally get the wanting to connect thing....like i don't want your soul, just 3 minutes, or less, of your time! lol
A quick "Hi, I'm thinking about you, bye."
It might be a male thing that they don't get that we need to know where we stand and need to connect every now and then.
I just do not know.

 

[Aspychata]

We both are *older*. Like l worry. Is this person okay? Are they still on planet earth? Did l imagine this happened? Alot of questions start to run through my pea brain. A simple, hey, thinking of you. Look forward to seeing you. Keep the burner simmering the pot on the stove. lol

 

[BraidedPony]

I know! Like did he fall? have a heart attack? get hit by a car? is he freaking out because he got a cancer diagnosis?
Being older I've lost friends and family to things that young people believe will never happen to them.
You don't have a pea brain! lol

 

[SusanLR]

I have a terrible time knowing if the other feels the same as I do about them.
I'm really interested in a relationship right now. I love the guy. He's Aspie also.
He gives off signals like he's really into me, then suddenly I don't hear from him.
Seems I always have to be the one to text him and ask how he is doing.
Then we meet again and it's all happy and communication when together.
Maybe it's because I'm in an It's Complicated relationship with someone that I don't love,
but don't want to lose at the present either.
He was the same with another girlfriend when we met. He is just now getting used to being
on his own now that she moved out.

Yep, it can be complicated.

 

[Wolfnox]

Speaking as a guy. That kind of thing would probably make me uncomfortable and kind of stressed.

 

[Tom]

... The old boyfriend showed up a few times attempting to get in to my apartment. One night in a snowstorm he showed up barefoot in the lobby, like a penitent. He wanted me to feel sorry for him, but it didn't work..

He was definitely a slacker. Rightly done, it would be crawling on his face while monks chanted and whipped him.

 

[Gracey]

I like @Tom's speed analogy.

There'll be times when Mr G and me run at 78 rpm together.
after which I need some 33rpm time.
and vice versa.

We don't always run at the same speeds, all of the time.
and that's perfectly okay.

If either of us are quiet. We're just quiet. That's all it means.
It doesn't HAVE to mean anything else.

 

[100skerls]

My reaction reading this was the same as pony’s first comment. I’m going through essentially the exact same thing right now so I’m not sure I have much valuable input other than saying “yeah me too”.

Here is one thing I’ve been thinking about though. Because I’m the way I am things have always been so difficult for me. Dealing with the world around me and managing relationships well. I got used to it kind of and became a bit resigned from life, didn’t care about bad days because every day was a bad day. And then I met my boyfriend and my world changed completely, I could experience happiness. I fell for him really really hard. But because I’ve got ongoing issues I’m on edge a lot and have found that what might be a small issue in one relationship because it’s him and due to how I think and other issues with functioning I get so upset and it has a big impact on me long term. And always there’s this feeling of desperation to only have those nice moments with him like before. I feel like I trusted him completely. I never trusted anyone else completely. But I think my unsaid expectations for him to always just understand me set us up for disaster from the start.

We still are happy when together, but it’s a little different and it’s bad when we are apart. I feel that while talking to him is easier than talking with others, communicating with him about our issues is much harder than talking with others about it. But I think maybe the reason for that could be the sheer complexity of our issues.

Personally when I get overwhelmed I need space. But I can’t push him away when I’m upset. I’ve wanted to many times but just couldn’t. I can push away everyone else. I can’t help it with everyone else actually. He seems unable to push me away completely too. We still talk even when things are really bad. Not much, but not nothing. But when I push people away/ hide from them it’s because I’m terrified. I hide, go under. Turn off my phone, try to avoid contact with everyone (but him). It sound to me like maybe he’s scared? Does he hide from stressful situations? Maybe the key is to not talk about anything about your relationship if he reaches out? Just try to have a normal talk? My boyfriend is super avoidant like me so I think I can still talk to him because for better or worse we just avoid touchy subjects To spare the other person and be able to hold on to to a small piece of the happiness.

However if he keeps not wanting to talk at all and you have unrelenting pain, that can cause long term damage to trust and strong feelings. His actions now, if they continue for a long long time, can have negative consequences down the line. Not to say he’s wrong for needing space, I’m just commenting on my experience.

My boyfriend did things that made me feel that stabbing sadness and it was after two years of that everyday that I broke. I’d say I’m broken now and I’ve been acting like it. I can hardly do anything anymore and I’m frankly quite a different person than I used to be. If not just a much lower functioning version of myself.

Since I broke I’ve became even more blind to the intentions of others and more desperate to feel something other than sadness. I thought I made friends with men and hung out with them eventually discovering in each circumstance that they didn’t want to be friends and maybe I’d not been clear enough. I didn’t tell my boyfriend but he found out somehow and now things are like shattered glass and we can’t even touch it without getting hurt. We’re both hurt and confused. He doesn’t believe me and thinks I just wanted to go on dates which I think is fair and I’d be hurt too. But I’m in no position to cater to his emotions because I’m too much of a mess myself.

Honestly part of what’s difficult for me is I don’t really know what I want at all and I’m confused by my own emotions let alone his. I know when I’m happy and when I’m not. I know the feeling of being understood versus not. And that’s kind of it.

I miss when he didn’t constantly disagree with me about things. It’s not a big deal but it kind of sucks to feel like we disagree on so much. It kind of feels like fundamental rejection when he disagrees with something I say every time I say something. It wasn’t always like that. But I guess I have become more opinionated than I used to be. But I feel like my opinions are a natural response to how my life has gone. I’ve suffered more so I care more about the suffering of others and he’s seen the change and I’ve shared everything with him every step of the way. So it doesn’t feel good to not have him on my side completely. Somewhere along the line we lost something I think. Some kind of spark. Maybe it can be chalked up to the distance. We’ve always been long distance.

Sorry if a) this is mostly irrelevant to you or b) it’s not really helpful because we’re going through this now and I don’t know the outcome yet.

Also sorry for the novel, you said 5 cents so I provided 2.5 times what I normally do best of luck.