The Oxymoron of Space

[dspoh001]

As a follow up to another recent post of mine, I have a question about space in relationships. I don’t get how the people in a relationship can value space to themselves and be offended when they don’t get enough, when, at the same time if someone asks for space the relationship is likely over. How can someone know what an appropriate amount of space is if they aren’t suppose to talk about it?

 

[SusanLR]

Maybe if two aspies are together, they just understand,
being so much alike.
Living with an NT, the need for space is a problem and he doesn't want to talk about it.
It's like he thinks just because we are under the same roof, everything should be done together. Eat the same things, eat at the same time, go out to do things or events always 'together.'
Why can't we share some things, without demanding we share all things? Makes me feel controlled, no freedom.
If I try to talk about it he gets angry or just collapses like
"Ok." But, doesn't seem to understand it.

Is this typical for NT relationships?
I don't really know. Especially for just living together?

 

[Bolletje]

Space is good. We all need it to some extent. It’s important to communicate and establish how much space you need, and how often. If you communicate that, to you, “I need space” means “leave me alone for an hour/weekend/month/until I call you”, the other person knows what it is exactly you’re looking for.

If someone tells you to give them some space, how to react depends on the nature of the relationship. A long term relationship for instance requires a different approach than a casual fling or online friendship. However, in all cases you can respond by asking them what you can do to give them space, and acting accordingly.

Then back the hell off in whatever way they requested.

 

[Mary Anne]

There are all kinds of diverse people in the world. Some are very obsessive and needy. They do not have any knowledge of , acceptance of, or desire for space. There are others that have no desire for it themselves, but will understand your request for some. There are others who need it themselves, and will express that it’s very important. Then there are a whole lot of people inbeween all the examples I gave you.

There is another kind of space that can damage a long term relationship. If both people when first widely in love, were together all the time and enjoyed each other’s company, then over a year or two, the one needs lots of alone space, that can hurt the other person who is wondering what is happening. Why has the one now become so private? Then communication, and (sometimes, couples therapy) is needed.

Communication is important. If someone is unwilling to listen, I would not have them in my life. Is someone does not understand your need and keeps up obsessively, you know now, to end the relationship.

 

[kay]

I think "space" needs context to have meaning. It will be used in a different way to simply mean "alone time", than if it means the person finds the relationship itself to be more than they really want. "Alone time" is good though, people need to take time to read and think. And doing absolutely everything together would be a disaster for any couple. But if someone wants"space" and that means they are out and about doing who knows what whenever and not wanting to chat about it, well, then that would seem like a bad thing.

 

[Judge]

As a follow up to another recent post of mine, I have a question about space in relationships. I don’t get how the people in a relationship can value space to themselves and be offended when they don’t get enough, when, at the same time if someone asks for space the relationship is likely over. How can someone know what an appropriate amount of space is if they aren’t suppose to talk about it?

This where one on the spectrum must emphasize a need for solitude much like air to breathe. That for many of us it's just inherent to our neurology and not specific to any one individual. In essence, to emphasize that it is not personal. Particularly in "mixed" relationships of Aspies and Neurotypicals.

 

[AO1501]

In previous relationships, if my partner has wanted space they have typically just gone off to do their own thing for a while, and I would usually just go to work, where I may not have space in the absolute sense, but because it's a different place, still feels like alone time.

My daughter, and my current partner are both Aspies, and they just tell me they need 'down time', or to be left alone, and I know exactly what that means. I usually just go for a walk. As far as I can tell, this works perfectly well, and because I don't see their time as a competitive thing, it means I don't read any negative connotations into them needing space. It is not a commentary on me, otherwise they'd say so. It's a need of theirs to be respected.

 

[SusanLR]

But if someone wants"space" and that means they are out and about doing who knows what whenever and not wanting to chat about it, well, then that would seem like a bad thing.

I think that pretty well hits it on the head as to why
I never wanted marriage or a live-in romance.
When you are dating someone or more than one,
you live your life as you want without feeling obligation
to explain what you've been doing all day.

I have known two other couples who lived this way.
They said they were in love and wanted to be together
a lot, but, only when they wanted.
They lived in seperate houses, close together yet far enough apart, they could be out and about doing who
knows whatever without feeling they had to
account for their actions to the other.
Both couples lived their whole life that way with each other.
I was offered this odd sort of living from the one I had
been involved with for almost 20 years.
I was willing at that point to live together, but, he
was not.
And I needed someone to share expenses.
Didn't want some unknown from an ad in the paper either. But, moving in with someone I at least knew turned into complicated.