the loneliness code

[wadorama]

anyone cracked it? you need a cave to hide in. you like to play with others, but on your own terms and schedule. you are a proven lousy partner/friend so you don't want to hurt anyone.

seems incongruent and unsolvable. please tell me how you solved it, or how you would.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

anyone cracked it? you need a cave to hide in. you like to play with others, but on your own terms and schedule. you are a proven lousy partner/friend so you don't want to hurt anyone.

seems incongruent and unsolvable. please tell me how you solved it, or how you would.

Some things to consider:

1. Everyone (except maybe extreme extroverts) needs downtime. Those on the spectrum, to varying degrees, need it even more. No big deal. However, once you've recharged, venture out of your cave.
2. How rigid are your terms and schedule? It seems to me that this is the area that could provide you the most benefit if you had (or learned) a little flexibility.
3. How has it been "proven" that you are a "lousy partner/friend?" Who is the judge? If you're the judge, then be kind to yourself and change the judging criteria. If you're not, then you have the right to nullify those judges' decisions.

 

[Judge]

You don't. You just learn to live with it. To accept a need for solitude and the occasional nagging of loneliness. That in this instance we're walking contradictions. It's who we are.

 

[wadorama]

You don't. You just learn to live with it. To accept a need for solitude and the occasional nagging of loneliness. That in this instance we're walking contradictions. It's who we are.

it is that occasional nagging to which I speak sir. not doubting your conclusions about the overall condition. just looking for how to still share some giggles with others now that they all scare me.

 

[Judge]

it is that occasional nagging to which I speak sir. not doubting your conclusions about the overall condition. just looking for how to still share some giggles with others now that they all scare me.

It's ironic to me in that most of the time when I sense loneliness, it's when everything else is generally going well. When my mind is not so intensely occupied with other things. Then life gets hectic again, and loneliness gets buried in my mind for a spell.

 

[Gritches]

I might've, I mean, I'm pretty much alone and I'm quite happy.

But there's no formula, believe me; I spent a long ass time and a lot of paper trying to figure it out to a "code". I can give you this though:

I see a therapist once a week, but I work out my psych issues on my own or with input from non-professionals. I use the therapist as a sort of rent-a-friend and get my "fix" of emotional intimacy. An hour with someone who isn't afraid to do "big talk" instead of "small talk" is good enough to satisfy me.

Another thing that resonated with me was an ad for one of those shows about people who live off the land, alone, in the Alaskan wilderness. The guy said something like "you have to be okay with being with just yourself", and I found that rang true.

 

[wadorama]

It's ironic to me in that most of the time when I sense loneliness, it's when everything else is generally going well. When my mind is not so intensely occupied with other things. Then life gets hectic again, and loneliness gets buried in my mind for a spell.

very wise and appropriately ingested. but you coulda just said wadorama get a job. ;o)

 

[Judge]

very wise and appropriately ingested. but you coulda just said wadorama get a job. ;o)

Working always came easy to me. But getting the job itself? Never easy for me. Nope, that's not something I would ever say to much of anyone.

Though it never stopped Bruce Hornsby....and the Range.

 

[wadorama]

Working always came easy to me. But getting the job itself? Never. Nope, that's not something I would ever say to much of anyone.

Though it never stopped Bruce Hornsby....and the Range.

dude could bang the keys like almost nobody in his generation.

 

[wadorama]

ha. easily distracted. she was right.

 

[Fitzo]

it is that occasional nagging to which I speak sir. not doubting your conclusions about the overall condition. just looking for how to still share some giggles with others now that they all scare me.

I think I read in another post that you have just had a marriage breakup?

If that is the case it's a different kind of loneliness than just not being around others. Unfortunately I haven't found an easy cure for that one, but I think burying yourself in a new project or special interest certainly helps to keep at bay for a while.

If you enjoy comedy, watching a few clips or shows that you know are guaranteed to make you laugh can also help to lift a gloomy mood. Sometimes just lifting that veil of 'blue' can help you to see things from a different perspective.

I hope you find something that helps.

 

[wadorama]

I think I read in another post that you have just had a marriage breakup?

If that is the case it's a different kind of loneliness than just not being around others. Unfortunately I haven't found an easy cure for that one, but I think burying yourself in a new project or special interest certainly helps to keep at bay for a while.

If you enjoy comedy, watching a few clips or shows that you know are guaranteed to make you laugh can also help to lift a gloomy mood. Sometimes just lifting that veil of 'blue' can help you to see things from a different perspective.

I hope you find something that helps.

hello my Aussie friend. yes, divorced two years now and separated for another before that.

I have home projects to prioritize as I please so there's that. but don't you miss the back-and-forth?

 

[Fitzo]

hello my Aussie friend. yes, divorced two years now and separated for another before that.

I have home projects to prioritize as I please so there's that. but don't you miss the back-and-forth?

Hi from the land of sunshine!

I know what you mean.
After a breakup the thing I used to miss the most was not having someone to share things with. You know, you see something great and you want to call or bring them down to see it, knowing they'd love it too. Somehow you get twice as much pleasure out of it that way!

But, hey I'm probably not helping to lift your mood, sorry.

 

[wadorama]

yay Fitzo for reaching out and of course no sorry needed. my mood is deeply embedded in the planet core right now. wuzzent always a gothy lil beaach like this though. the companionship came with the situation. now both are gone and I miss the former.

 

[Chance]

anyone cracked it? you need a cave to hide in. you like to play with others, but on your own terms and schedule. you are a proven lousy partner/friend so you don't want to hurt anyone.

seems incongruent and unsolvable. please tell me how you solved it, or how you would.

I am President of my local charter for the lonely... I have no active members. I also just lied...
Just kidding with you about being Pres... of anything.

I am often lonely in a room filled with people. I see them interacting so easy (which just amazes me)...
By the time I think of something to reasonable say they have moved on 3 subjects down the verbal path... Its hopeless for me in these cases, unless someone is directly speaking to me on one subject...
Im basically okay in those instances, but its always short lived because its exhausting.

I honestly look forward to just being by myself... I can BREATHE and think, but IF that goes on too long then yes, I get lonely. I have no real way to fix that unless I want to go jump into some family conversations that mentally looks like jumping off into a pit of vipers...
Its so refreshing to come out of that feeling more lost then lonely.... : )

 

[Sherlock77]

Some would describe me having tendencies toward loneliness, I don't mind spending time on my own most of the time, it doesn't generally bother me...

Some on here know that I'm a very active photographer, and surprisingly (perhaps for an Aspie) most of it is done in urban settings, I will wade into a crowd at an event for photography purposes, and I mostly photograph other people (street photography) and very rarely photograph my friends... Most of my photography is very observational in nature, very much as an outsider... And I generally dislike going out in large groups of photographers, drives me crazy, I know it's something about being able to do it at my own pace...

And on the flip side, I often get to know people through the camera lens, doing a street portrait of a stranger, sometimes a simple story, occasionally a longer conversation, some of those encounters have led to ongoing friendships... But I think the camera acts as a buffer for me in those situations

 

[SusanLR]

After a breakup the thing I used to miss the most was not having someone to share things with. You know, you see something great and you want to call or bring them down to see it, knowing they'd love it too. Somehow you get twice as much pleasure out of it that way!

I haven't found a way to be content with my own company in these cases.
It's true that I get pleasure in sharing things with someone. But that someone needs to be one who enjoys sharing these things also.
Difficult to find that happy medium.
"That's why fortune tellers are glum."
(JOKE.) Where do you find a happy medium? doh.

 

[Fitzo]

I haven't found a way to be content with my own company in these cases.
It's true that I get pleasure in sharing things with someone. But that someone needs to be one who enjoys sharing these things also.
Difficult to find that happy medium.
"That's why fortune tellers are glum."
(JOKE.) Where do you find a happy medium? doh.

I agree with you, but I wouldn't have been with someone who didn't appreciate similar things. That would have been one of the major attractions for me in the first place!

 

[Suzanne]

I play what I refer to as kingdom melodies, at top volume. Music that is related to my faith and it does help to lesson the feeling of loneliness; not completely, but at least I am not in a tight ball, huddled in a corner, as I used to do, in my younger years. My husband would come home and find a dark room, with me in a chair, rocking back and forwards, with tears streaming down my face. It took some time, but he managed to get me to hug him and be ok again.

Thank goodness, I have never again experienced that!

I used to be ok on my own and think it must be age that is causing this relentless loneliness. I suppose to, with my old place, I could go into our garden and feel free that no one was looking, but here, in our new home, too in the face of others. And has set a pattern of feeling alone. But, there is nothing I can do about it, because right now, I cannot even cope with face to face contact and so, I just try and concentrate on the more important things, which is what my faith offers: hope for a better future. In other words: I know this is not going to last and so, I cleave to that hope.

 

[Major Tom]

I pretty honestly, don't get lonely for human contact in real life. I have my job and my family, that's enough for me. That being said, I spend about 75% of my time completely alone and I relish every second of it. I chat a bit on here, and that's enough for me.

Being with people is kind of overwhelming really. Silence is golden. Try to enjoy it I would recommend .