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The Eye Contact Issue...

NtNoWay

NtNoWay

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
So on my blog over the last month I did a bit of an alphabet series. A few of these posts were read somewhat widely a few weren't

One I wrote was E is for Eye-Contact. It was picked up by a media site in the US known as The Establshmnt. We worked together and fleshed it out a little.

The end result was published on their site and then on Huffington Post.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-establishment/my-inability-to-make-eye-_b_9800054.html

This topic is probably been widely discussed in the past, but, I know for some this isn't an issue but for many it is. I wonder what peoples thoughts are on this issue.
 
When making eye contact, I feel like I can intensely sense ALL of the other person's inner suffering-- all at once. :( Overwhelming!
It feels dangerous-icky-freaky-intimate, like the other person has reached deeeep down inside of me,
...and is tickling my spleen. :eek:

However, my ability to manage eye contact varies with the situation.
Crowded room with sensory hoopla and excited, chatty, high-energy person: Very challenging.
At the hospital ER because something hurts me: No, anxiety prevents it. Gaze avoidance.
Spending quiet time with a calm, trusted, caring, kindhearted mate: Warm eye contact is likely.
 
Eye contact does not bother me, I just do not do it unless I make myself look some one in the eyes. I found out a long time ago, that if you do not look "most people" in the eyes when they are talking to you, they think that you are not listening to them. When I am talking with my customers, I always make sure that I look them in the eyes.
 
I am mostly okay with eye contact. Some people are hard to look in the eye though. There is just something too intense about their gaze. I experienced this with one of my exes, as well as a couple of my clients when I was working as a support. It is also difficult for me to maintain eye contact if I am nervous or feel someone is in a position of authority over me, but I think that is normal.
 
Warmheart said:
When making eye contact, I feel like I can intensely sense ALL of the other person's inner suffering-- all at once. :( Overwhelming!
It feels dangerous-icky-freaky-intimate, like the other person has reached deeeep down inside of me,
...and is tickling my spleen. :eek:

However, my ability to manage eye contact varies with the situation.
Crowded room with sensory hoopla and excited, chatty, high-energy person: Very challenging.
At the hospital ER because something hurts me: No, anxiety prevents it. Gaze avoidance.
Spending quiet time with a calm, trusted, caring, kindhearted mate: Warm eye contact is likely.
Click to expand...

You have just managed to explain it very well! That is exactly what it feels like to me and also, yes, varies in what ever given situation I am in. When I am talking, it is like a perception of looking the person in the eyes, but actually I am looking into my own thought pattern and then, when it comes to listening, I start to feel that if I do not escape those eyes, I am going to panic! I feel embarrassed looking away, because I do not like it when ones do it to me!
 
Like the others have said, sometimes it is easy to look someone in the eyes now, but if it is for a prolonged time, I start to get that feeling of swimming against the tide ( can't swim though).

Tends to get very surreal with me and only a few times am I able to apologise for not looking them in the eyes, but these are very specific people, who I generally feel ok around.
 
In 2007 I attended an interview with a woman from Remploy, she was ****ing useless for a lot of reasons, she accused me of lying about my 2.5 page CV of experience because I have no references, the main reason for that is that a lot of the work is dated so far back the Managers I worked with at the time weren't there any more and stuff, she also criticised my choice of clothing, although I wore smart casual, I don't do shirt and tie for physical reasons, and finally, she pointed out that I didn't make eye contact with her, I didn't know this but apparently it's an "Aspie" thing to not do that.
 
When I don't feel like putting forth the effort I cheat and wear sunglasses. As long as you're looking at the NTs head they have no idea if you're making eye contact or not but they assume that you are. It's a handy little cheat, almost like wearing a literal mask.
 
Rich Allen said:
In 2007 I attended an interview with a woman from Remploy, she was ****ing useless for a lot of reasons, she accused me of lying about my 2.5 page CV of experience because I have no references, the main reason for that is that a lot of the work is dated so far back the Managers I worked with at the time weren't there any more and stuff, she also criticised my choice of clothing, although I wore smart casual, I don't do shirt and tie for physical reasons, and finally, she pointed out that I didn't make eye contact with her, I didn't know this but apparently it's an "Aspie" thing to not do that.
Click to expand...

Wow, at an INTERVIEW? Making such personal critism; outrageous!

Actually, it is an aspie thing to struggle with eye contact. Just at mcdonald's the other day, with my husband, this very kind and friendly lady, came booming over to us, to welcome and show us how to use the electronic ordering system; I understand why they do it, but I could feel myself panicking, for some reason and ended up not being able to look her in the eyes and then, when she came back to say that we would get a better deal via another method, it got worse and even when she was talking to me, I was looking down and wishing she would just go away, yet she was not rude etc! I think it was because all she had to do was say what she needed to say and leave us to it, but insisted on "helping" us and she did keep looking my way, that made me feel horrible!
 
David Larson said:
When I don't feel like putting forth the effort I cheat and wear sunglasses. As long as you're looking at the NTs head they have no idea if you're making eye contact or not but they assume that you are. It's a handy little cheat, almost like wearing a literal mask.
Click to expand...

I can't agree on that ie that nts are so oblivious that they are not aware and so have a similar issue. I am surrounded by nts and so, learn from them! My husband often notes when I do not look him in the eyes.

But yeah for sunglasses! If I have no choice but go out, I love it when the sun is up, because I have an excellent excuse to hide my inner self with my glasses.
 
I really think allistics should learn that it really is an issue for many of us and not try to force it and not judge us negatively because of it.
It's so damn frustrating.
 
Yeah I get the gaze-avoidance thing. As others have said, it's a mixed bag. Sometimes I'm usually OK, if it's brief conversation I can hold the gaze and if it's low-intensity numbers of people.

large numbers of people and I tend to feel the social anxiety and panic arise , then I have to do some mental CBT / mindfullness exercises.

Warmheart meantioned about the intensity - I get that too. I'm usually OK, but after a short period of time I FEEL the intensity of looking into their eyes and it's like I'm being drawn in and can look directly into them ... and it just freaks the hell out of me. So I usually have to break the gaze.

Being in a nerdy profession (IT) helps. When talking to people I tend to start of looking at them and then start talking to the ceiling / to their shoulder etc.

Certainly sunglasses are great in that I can just do the whole gaze-avoidance thing.

Definitely part of my Aspie makeup I think ...
 
For me I find it so intense it is like an emotionally painful thing. As though your very soul is laid bare and your every inner thought is on display and being read and ridiculed.
 
I was never aware I didn't make eye contact until a new therapist noticed, I just thought it was not a problem. Since I became aware I don't make eye contact I try to make eye contact when I talk to people and meet people, trying to makes me feel awkward as if I'm doing it wrong and I feel I've made the situation uncomfortable for all.
 
Recently I only have eye-contact(staring) when I have something to say.
If greetings, I never have it.
My energy for "functioning" is limited.
 
I'm told my eye contact is either too intense...or my eyes are all over the place. If I remember to notice, then I become hyper-aware...and my eye contact is likely too intense.

I was told I should look at a person's lips or the middle of the forehead. I think that sometimes works.
 
theminx said:
I was told I should look at a person's lips or the middle of the forehead. I think that sometimes works.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I've heard this too. it does work in practice, I tend to look at someone's mouth /chin area, but then I start getting fascinated by something and start staring at that lol
 
I don't get the 'seeing into a person's soul' feeling when I try to make eye contact, it just feels unnatural to me and then I'm conscious that I'm appearing weird because I'm either staring too hard in an effort to appear normal or my eyes are darting all over their face in attempt to feel comfortable!
 
jfk said:
Yeah, I've heard this too. it does work in practice, I tend to look at someone's mouth /chin area, but then I start getting fascinated by something and start staring at that lol
Click to expand...

I do that too and I'm usually fascinated by something they'd rather I didn't notice, like a hairy mole and then my face doesn't hide my thoughts well!
 
People trying to look into my eyes is kind of like
dogs or cats doing that staring thing with each other.
It's like they are trying to see who's boss, who is in
control.

I take my glasses off in some circumstances of talking
with people. I have 20/400 vision and "no glasses"
really blurs the image, so it's not as bothersome.

If I want to think I surely don't want to have to be
looking into someone's eyes. That is distracting.
How can I keep my mind on what I am thinking if I
have to keep track of somebody's face, too?
 
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