The Dating Thing

[SimonSays]

I've never really done the dating thing. If I wanted to be with somebody I'd be already hoping it will work long before anything happens. So would I be right in saying that even though people go on many dates, each time they are technically looking for something that if they find it they'll stay with?

Would I be right in saying that dating is not just trying things out and after a few weeks or months even if things are going well is ended because, well, it's time to try something different? It's about finding somebody you can be with, and if you can't be with the one you're with, then you're supposed to stop being with them and become open to being with somebody else.

This would explain why I never liked the idea of dating, because I've always felt like I'm able to have a connection with, feel chemistry with, many different kinds of women, but that doesn't mean that we are actually compatible. So you might say that's the whole purpose of dating...to discover compatibility. Sounds good. Make sense.

I remember when I was young. I was at a dance and there was a girl who was on her own, and the guys I was with kept saying I should go and ask her to dance, and I was reluctant, but in their eyes it was just a dance and it didn't have to mean anything more.

So I eventually agreed to, and we danced, and sort of got off together, and by the end of the evening she was wearing my silver identity bracelet as if we were a thing, and the next morning I didn't really want to be with her anymore, but now had the complication of how to get the bracelet back. It wasn't easy and I didn't like doing it, as ending things seemed to be the opposite of what I was there to do.

I wanted to feel connected, make things happen, not do something that didn't feel right and then have to end it. I didn't want to lead anybody on. I wasn't just trying to have sex. I shouldn't have been persuaded. I knew it wasn't who I was.

Because I've always found it difficult to actually be with somebody in the first place. Because I've always found it difficult to even have friends. If I make a move in a girl’s direction, I need to want to know that there's a good chance that something is going to happen first. Awkwardness is just too difficult to deal with. I can't look for anything casually. I can't look to have non-emotional sex. I can't date and then just say goodbye at the end of the evening. I get attached. I care quickly. I fall in love.

I've had two marriages and a few short relationships before and in between, but none of those were based on dating. They just sort of happened. I can't really explain how. People showed interest in me. Responded to me. Conversations seemed to create connection. If I thought I had to do the dating thing the anxiety would have overwhelmed me.

 

[rach3rd]

IMO people put way too much pressure on themselves on that first “date” time together with someone. I’ve been married to a NT for 30 years and our first date was a disaster. It was because of something out of our control. A friend of ours suggested the movie we should go see. Neither of us had heard of it or knew anything about it, but we decided to go anyway. In the very first seen characters are having sex. It made us both so uncomfortable. I couldn’t get out of the theater fast enough and to get her home. She felt the same way. I didn’t talk to her for months because I felt so embarrassed I took her to that movie. I didn’t know anything about the movie, but still felt it was my fault. Anyway, months later we had a chance to talk in a non-stressful environment and really hit it off. We started doing things together just “as friends”. Eventually she became my best friend and I asked her to marry me.

 

[unperson]

I'm too old to have tried speed dating, but that's about the only thing that would work for me, 10 mins, you can know whether there's something there or not.

 

[Aspychata]

Dating. Think that we really don't know people. They are like books, every date is another chapter about them. It's just what do you wish to fill the pages with?

Disagree that you end because it's time to meet someone new. If l am with somebody, then it's purposeful. But at the other end of the spectrum, or those who never dated much and do need to encounter more encounters to find what would be an ideal relationship for them. Some of us due to geographical location, finances, appearance, age, gender, are unable to take a litmus test of a subject group of such. Dating is very quirky and awkward. I remember dating one guy when l was younger, and they were so awkward, it made me feel awkward. Later in life, l learned to trust my gut when it came to dating. But l have never been a serial dater.

 

[SimonSays]

I'm too old to have tried speed dating, but that's about the only thing that would work for me, 10 mins, you can know whether there's something there or not.

I suppose it would be interesting to try something like that. I can sort of see the appeal. It either works or it doesn't and it's got to do so within 10 minutes or you just move on I dunno. I've never tried it so I can't say how it might feel to experience it, but people do it, so there must be something in it.

 

[Suzette]

It all depends on your definition of "dating".

To me dating is not a euphamisim for "conditional commitment". A date is an opportunity to get to know someone WITHOUT the complication of commitment or sex for that matter. Dating is the chance to fully be yourself, worty and maskless so that you can see if you truly connect with another person.

I had to laugh when I realized my mother and I see "dating" differently. She used the word "dating" to mean a hook up. I use the word to mean "have dinner and a nice conversation". No wonder she wouldn't let me "date" when I was 16!

 

[Suzette]

the concept of dating to me feels old-fashioned in some way. Maybe it's just me.

Only if you take it to mean "courtship" and forgo sex until after marriage.

Dating can just be a convivial way for two realative strangers to get to know one another. One can decide to have sex or not pending the outcome of your dates.

I've dated several people for 3 or 4, sexless dates. My second husband and I, however, did not have sex on the first date but haven't been apart since.

I actually find it odd that people assume some level of commitment when dating and assume sex is on the offer. It is backward to me.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My wife and I lived in the same house together when we meet, I was her landlord. Large three story house I lived on first floor, her on second. no real dating got to know her, then she moved downstairs with me.

Giving her a ride to visit her parents as I owned a car and we both had connections with the rural area she came from constituted a date.

 

[SimonSays]

I joined a couple of dating sites once, years ago, and really struggled with how to present myself. What ought to constitute my profile? It seemed like I would have to spend quite a bit of time on it as it was the initial representation of me. I'm never good when I have to edit something too many times. Anyway, having eventually finished it, all that took place for me was verbal communication. I never actually met anyone.

I've connected with people on other forums, when I used to go there, and out of that came a number of virtual relationships, and one where I actually went to meet the person and spend time with her. By the time that happened it was not a date it was as if we were going to be together.

Maybe what I'm saying is that for me, since the age of the Internet, getting to know someone hasn't been a physical thing, it has always been an opening of expression in writing. Getting to know somebody, like we once did back in the day as a penpal.

Meeting up with somebody, getting to know them by going out with them, sounds like a lovely idea, but for someone with anxiety or social anxiety issues, it isn't easy to do that. I found it such a heavy idea as to how to be in that situation, almost like a kind of performance anxiety would overwhelm me.

Perhaps back then, as I was a lot less sure of who I was, I didn't know how to be myself. And I wanted to be myself because there would be no point in being anybody else. When you're not sure of who you are, it is easy to find yourself playing a part. Not intentionally appearing to be someone else, and yet it seemed like I wasn't authentic enough. If I liked someone, I struggled not to let that interfere with how I would be, as if on some level I was after something. Sexual desire was an issue. I'm always better when it's just about being friends.

 

[Aspychata]

Left a marriage of many years. So then l had to find out the new dating rules. Coffee dates, that was new concept for me as opposed to bar dates. Then if you go to dinner with a guy, they expect you to put out, which didn't exist before. So of course, l am fearful to accept dinner dates. Umm, let me think about this, nope pass on dinner. It's kinda of difficult for me to go straight to bed with a guy. Maybe after a year? Okay a couple of months. Everybody has their comfort zone. Can we just be friends? Let's skip meeting up, l am grabbing to go and heading home to my single little place.

So when l bartended, this member came up asked me to a very expensive restaurant, but now l see l was going to have to supply the sushi. I said nada. I had to gingerally decline and wasubi out of there. My fortune cookie said man with one chopstick can not hold sushi.

 

[Suzette]

Meeting up with somebody, getting to know them by going out with them, sounds like a lovely idea, but for someone with anxiety or social anxiety issues, it isn't easy to do that. I found it such a heavy idea as to how to be in that situation, almost like a kind of performance anxiety would overwhelm me.

Women very often have learned to mask just because women have been expected to fit socialy accepable roles from birth. This is especially true if one is over 40.

However, I chose to date despite my social anxiety, because I was never going to be happy if the other person was not accepting of the real me. A kind of "let it all hang out" policy. And I found that there were plenty of men who wanted something different. Thats fine with me because I've had enough of fitting in and pretending.

You don't need everyone to be excited about you. Or rather, I don't need everyone to be excited about me.

 

[Suzette]

Left a marriage of many years. So then l had to find out the new dating rules. Coffee dates, that was new concept for me as opposed to bar dates. Then if you go to dinner with a guy, they expect you to put out, which didn't exist before. So of course, l am fearful to accept dinner dates. Umm, let me think about this, nope pass on dinner. It's kinda of difficult for me to go straight to bed with a guy. Maybe after a year? Okay a couple of months. Everybody has their comfort zone. Can we just be friends? Let's skip meeting up, l am grabbing to go and heading home to my single little place.

So when l bartended, this member came up asked me to a very expensive restaurant, but now l see l was going to have to supply the sushi. I said nada. I had to gingerally decline and wasubi out of there. My fortune cookie said man with one chopstick can not hold sushi.

Nope. I never put out of dinner. I call this "expectation vs reality". Some men are a little too led by "expectation". They do not make good mates!

 

[rach3rd]

Nope. I never put out of dinner. I call this "expectation vs reality". Some men are a little too led by "expectation". They do not make good mates!

Well said.

 

[Aspychata]

Some of us are pass mating age. Some of us are way pass that. So dating is kinda of different. People date for different reasons l guess.

 

[Shamar]

I've never really done the dating thing. If I wanted to be with somebody I'd be already hoping it will work long before anything happens. So would I be right in saying that even though people go on many dates, each time they are technically looking for something that if they find it they'll stay with?

Would I be right in saying that dating is not just trying things out and after a few weeks or months even if things are going well is ended because, well, it's time to try something different? It's about finding somebody you can be with, and if you can't be with the one you're with, then you're supposed to stop being with them and become open to being with somebody else.

This would explain why I never liked the idea of dating, because I've always felt like I'm able to have a connection with, feel chemistry with, many different kinds of women, but that doesn't mean that we are actually compatible. So you might say that's the whole purpose of dating...to discover compatibility. Sounds good. Make sense.

I remember when I was young. I was at a dance and there was a girl who was on her own, and the guys I was with kept saying I should go and ask her to dance, and I was reluctant, but in their eyes it was just a dance and it didn't have to mean anything more.

So I eventually agreed to, and we danced, and sort of got off together, and by the end of the evening she was wearing my silver identity bracelet as if we were a thing, and the next morning I didn't really want to be with her anymore, but now had the complication of how to get the bracelet back. It wasn't easy and I didn't like doing it, as ending things seemed to be the opposite of what I was there to do.

I wanted to feel connected, make things happen, not do something that didn't feel right and then have to end it. I didn't want to lead anybody on. I wasn't just trying to have sex. I shouldn't have been persuaded. I knew it wasn't who I was.

Because I've always found it difficult to actually be with somebody in the first place. Because I've always found it difficult to even have friends. If I make a move in a girl’s direction, I need to want to know that there's a good chance that something is going to happen first. Awkwardness is just too difficult to deal with. I can't look for anything casually. I can't look to have non-emotional sex. I can't date and then just say goodbye at the end of the evening. I get attached. I care quickly. I fall in love.

I've had two marriages and a few short relationships before and in between, but none of those were based on dating. They just sort of happened. I can't really explain how. People showed interest in me. Responded to me. Conversations seemed to create connection. If I thought I had to do the dating thing the anxiety would have overwhelmed me.

Dating? I almost never dated. I was constantly rejected, and gave it up in college. Since I don't understand social interactions and interpersonal interactions, dating is just a confusing mess to me. I just don't know how to act when the rules keep changing. Add to that anthrophobia, and I am a social mess.

 

[SusanLR]

I've never deliberately sought dating, such as meet-ups, on-line services, social groups for that purpose.
It just always happened naturally.
Someone I was around a lot might ask me to go to lunch, a party with them, or something they do such
as a tai chi class or some study group.
No expectations.
Just at least knowing you like the person enough to even want to spend some time together.
It usually didn't take long to know I enjoyed the company enough to continue doing things together.
Real turn offs for me could be things like asking for sex right away, admitting they are "wife" hunting,
offer drugs or gets drunk, even making some rude remark about me very soon after
what ever we decided to do together.

Sex, if it ever made it that far, was not the reason for being with a person.
That is something that happens later and feels natural when the time is right.
So, I guess this could be called dating because you have set a date to participate in
something together to see how it goes.
But, that could also be just making a friend.

 

[RobZombiefan]

I've never really done the dating thing. If I wanted to be with somebody I'd be already hoping it will work long before anything happens. So would I be right in saying that even though people go on many dates, each time they are technically looking for something that if they find it they'll stay with?

Would I be right in saying that dating is not just trying things out and after a few weeks or months even if things are going well is ended because, well, it's time to try something different? It's about finding somebody you can be with, and if you can't be with the one you're with, then you're supposed to stop being with them and become open to being with somebody else.

This would explain why I never liked the idea of dating, because I've always felt like I'm able to have a connection with, feel chemistry with, many different kinds of women, but that doesn't mean that we are actually compatible. So you might say that's the whole purpose of dating...to discover compatibility. Sounds good. Make sense.

I remember when I was young. I was at a dance and there was a girl who was on her own, and the guys I was with kept saying I should go and ask her to dance, and I was reluctant, but in their eyes it was just a dance and it didn't have to mean anything more.

So I eventually agreed to, and we danced, and sort of got off together, and by the end of the evening she was wearing my silver identity bracelet as if we were a thing, and the next morning I didn't really want to be with her anymore, but now had the complication of how to get the bracelet back. It wasn't easy and I didn't like doing it, as ending things seemed to be the opposite of what I was there to do.

I wanted to feel connected, make things happen, not do something that didn't feel right and then have to end it. I didn't want to lead anybody on. I wasn't just trying to have sex. I shouldn't have been persuaded. I knew it wasn't who I was.

Because I've always found it difficult to actually be with somebody in the first place. Because I've always found it difficult to even have friends. If I make a move in a girl’s direction, I need to want to know that there's a good chance that something is going to happen first. Awkwardness is just too difficult to deal with. I can't look for anything casually. I can't look to have non-emotional sex. I can't date and then just say goodbye at the end of the evening. I get attached. I care quickly. I fall in love.

I've had two marriages and a few short relationships before and in between, but none of those were based on dating. They just sort of happened. I can't really explain how. People showed interest in me. Responded to me. Conversations seemed to create connection. If I thought I had to do the dating thing the anxiety would have overwhelmed me.

Don't sell yourself short. You should try casual partners, maybe. You are supposed to be with a different woman. Instead of being tied, down your marriages worked out no harm in trying.

 

[annajamey]

Yeah, I'm fine with dating websites or apps. It took me a while to find a good website, but since then I've been using the same adult personals. I see no point in chatting if you can't meet somebody in person, but with this website I could just match with boys from my town, so, yeah, it's really important for me. IMPORTANT: you should avoid scammers online. Negeria, Ghana always pretend them to a girl and scam men online. Unfortunately, not all scammers are easy to identify. I find this page to help you. 22 Ways to Identify Online Dating Scammers - Kasual