The compromise

[Sherlock77]

In the last few months I've been spending a fair amount of time with a lady (who happens to be bi-polar), going for walks or sometimes different events together, we're not "officially" dating yet although we might be functionally dating...

Anyway... There is a large classic car show tomorrow, I've always gone either on my own or with photography friends, and have always left very early in the morning, because I'm obsessive about this show, over 1000 classic cars will be there...

She has some interest in classic cars so I invited her, normally I leave town by about 7:30 AM at the latest just to get there early, when I mentioned when I wanted to leave she balked a little, she suggested 8 AM would be more suitable, and I still want to have a big breakfast before leaving, meaning we probably won't get there until maybe 9:30 AM... I've agreed, simply to spend more time with her, but I'm a little afraid of getting there too late and missing too much of the day and also having trouble finding a good parking spot...

Compromise of my obsession, I know as I keep pursuing this it will have to happen more often and it's difficult for me, as I've spent my whole life doing my own thing pretty much when I want to, within reason...

 

[Rob Schlintz]

I'd be happy to be in situations haven't had openings to ask, if I in your shoes I choose the risk,but I admit have not had opportunity as of yet

 

[Chance]

Used too I would say sure compromise... After what I have been through in the past and especially my current situations. Now I would stay the car is loaded and leaving at 7:30, if you are in it great...
If not I will catch up with you later...

Sorry, but that stuff right there is what grew and grew until I had no life left. I had to stand up for myself today at a family event. I was being mentally shoved back into the NT corner and I refused.

I'm not perfect. However, I was causing zero problems. I was going to just leave quietly, but I have learned that it is rude to not say goodbye. I was simply tired, overwhelmed, and ready to get back home. It seemed to offend some people. Their event wasn't finished yet so I was told I needed to stay... They weren't talking to me or even acknowledging that I was alive until I was ready to leave. So I left and I guess they are upset with me for not doing as I was told. I got a nasty text asking me what my problem was? I just replied, I just wanted to get home and storms are coming. No problem. They never texted back???? Neither did I. I don't do drama or drag stuff out.

Humans are odd beings...

 

[Mia]

Seems as if she's dictating already. Modifying things. If someone asked me to something, I would be ready at the time specified. Since your doing the driving, taking her to an event that you love, and making the effort I would have emphasized the 7:30 time slot as being non-negotiable. But that's me. Yet you're already not happy about this, which doesn't bode well. Compromise is a good thing in certain situations, but not all of them. Think that might be my no nonsense aspie take on this, though.

 

[Katleya]

I think compromise is good in theory, but in my experience, it's mostly dangerous unless you manage to set clear boundaries. Otherwise, you'll risk finding yourself in the territory of having to give up on more and more. Make sure to clearly state that you are compromising on this, and you expect reciprocity, maybe?

I'm not sure that's good advice for interactions with a bipolar person. I tend to have a somewhat factual, no nonsense approach to romantic relationships (but it's worked so far, so I can't be doing everything wrong, can I?).

Just don't lose yourself trying to find someone, you know?

 

[Sherlock77]

Seems as if she's dictating already. Modifying things. If someone asked me to something, I would be ready at the time specified. Since your doing the driving, taking her to an event that you love, and making the effort I would have emphasized the 7:30 time slot as being non-negotiable. But that's me. Yet you're already not happy about this, which doesn't bode well. Compromise is a good thing in certain situations, but not all of them. Think that might be my no nonsense aspie take on this, though.

Good points, this might be dictating, but I think 8 AM is reasonable, I'm not that unhappy with it, perhaps it's the way I wrote it... It's a weekend morning, heck I'm no morning person... Maybe it's naive, but based on other people I know compromise in some situations isn't always bad... If it had been as late as say 10 AM I would go on my own...

I actually think I need to learn how to let go a little bit at times, would probably be good for me in general, see how tomorrow goes...

 

[Pariah Dog]

I'll chime in on this and agree with what has been said. I think this requires a "take it or leave it" approach. Coming from experience of an 8 year relationship which evolved into a brutal dictatorship. Giving in a little at a time in the short term the changes are not even noticeable. Years later it's becomes "OMG WTF how did I get here." It came to the point where I was not allowed to use my own computer, not allowed to make a meal for myself, not allowed to spend money, not allow to buy shampoo for myself (had to use what scraps she had left...etc.) Now mine was an extreme case and not all will turn out that way.

Some might ask "What do you mean not allowed?" Well I was with a psychotic ***** who would get her way no matter how small the issue and no matter what the cost. I didn't really let it go that far but if she had to resort to violence over something as stupid as a tube of toothpaste she would do it. An abusive woman of that caliber knows they have a man over a barrel in that situation. He can't really defend himself physically or he goes to jail, and in Western World domestic situations men have virtually no rights. So the man is just pushed to give in. I used to think violence towards woman is one of the most horrible things imaginable, and I still believe that. However, through personal experience I have learned that there is at least a small fraction of a percent of women who are so evil, or so twisted that they would pretty much be in place to reap what they sow were there no laws to protect them. Who remembers Karla Homolka?

I'm sorry this got way too dark. Have fun at the car show. I was at a large one with over 1000 cars this summer myself. Being in Alberta you'll probably see many of the one's I saw in St. Albert. There was some neat unique stuff there. In the future just be careful about getting pushed around too much. If you end up giving up ground all the time then it's time to leave. A relationship is supposed to be some sort of partnership, not a dictatorship.

 

[Sherlock77]

I'll chime in on this and agree with what has been said. I think this requires a "take it or leave it" approach. Coming from experience of an 8 year relationship which evolved into a brutal dictatorship. Giving in a little at a time in the short term the changes are not even noticeable. Years later it's becomes "OMG WTF how did I get here." It came to the point where I was not allowed to use my own computer, not allowed to make a meal for myself, not allowed to spend money, not allow to buy shampoo for myself (had to use what scraps she had left...etc.) Now mine was an extreme case and not all will turn out that way.

Some might ask "What do you mean not allowed?" Well I was with a psychotic ***** who would get her way no matter how small the issue and no matter what the cost. I didn't really let it go that far but if she had to resort to violence over something as stupid as a tube of toothpaste she would do it. An abusive woman of that caliber knows they have a man over a barrel in that situation. He can't really defend himself physically or he goes to jail, and in Western World domestic situations men have virtually no rights. So the man is just pushed to give in. I used to think violence towards woman is one of the most horrible things imaginable, and I still believe that. However, through personal experience I have learned that there is at least a small fraction of a percent of women who are so evil, or so twisted that they would pretty much be in place to reap what they sow were there no laws to protect them. Who remembers Karla Homolka?

I'm sorry this got way too dark. Have fun at the car show. I was at a large one with over 1000 cars this summer myself. Being in Alberta you'll probably see many of the one's I saw in St. Albert. There was some neat unique stuff there. In the future just be careful about getting pushed around too much. If you end up giving up ground all the time then it's time to leave. A relationship is supposed to be some sort of partnership, not a dictatorship.

I'll keep that in mind, at this point I don't have huge concerns, we are both artists and creative types, she certainly is not against my photography at all... Which I know some ladies might be...

And it's the High River show, the end of car show season, worth a visit, heck not too late to come down tomorrow yet...

The High River Swap Meet today...

 

[Fitzo]

Good points, this might be dictating, but I think 8 AM is reasonable, I'm not that unhappy with it, perhaps it's the way I wrote it... It's a weekend morning, heck I'm no morning person... Maybe it's naive, but based on other people I know compromise in some situations isn't always bad... If it had been as late as say 10 AM I would go on my own...

I actually think I need to learn how to let go a little bit at times, would probably be good for me in general, see how tomorrow goes...

Maybe think of something you can eat in the car on the way so you're only actually losing half an hour.
If you end up too late and all the things you were concerned about end up happening...... It'll probably taint the whole day!
I know it would for me

 

[Pariah Dog]

I'll keep that in mind, at this point I don't have huge concerns, we are both artists and creative types, she certainly is not against my photography at all... Which I know some ladies might be...

And it's the High River show, the end of car show season, worth a visit, heck not too late to come down tomorrow yet...

The High River Swap Meet today...

View attachment 38409

Haha, well if I were not on call for work tomorrow I would consider riding the motorcycle on the 3.5 hour trek to high river and get one last ride out of the season.

 

[Sherlock77]

Maybe think of something you can eat in the car on the way so you're only actually losing half an hour.
If you end up too late and all the things you were concerned about end up happening...... It'll probably taint the whole day!
I know it would for me

You don't know me and my breakfast routine, and my favourite place... Blackfoot Truck Stop, the CPR Special breakfast... I'm already breaking my ritual of several years with this show, having breakfast at same Denny's at the same place at pretty much the same time... My routines...

 

[Chance]

I'll chime in on this and agree with what has been said. I think this requires a "take it or leave it" approach. Coming from experience of an 8 year relationship which evolved into a brutal dictatorship. Giving in a little at a time in the short term the changes are not even noticeable. Years later it's becomes "OMG WTF how did I get here." It came to the point where I was not allowed to use my own computer, not allowed to make a meal for myself, not allowed to spend money, not allow to buy shampoo for myself (had to use what scraps she had left...etc.) Now mine was an extreme case and not all will turn out that way.

Some might ask "What do you mean not allowed?" Well I was with a psychotic ***** who would get her way no matter how small the issue and no matter what the cost. I didn't really let it go that far but if she had to resort to violence over something as stupid as a tube of toothpaste she would do it. An abusive woman of that caliber knows they have a man over a barrel in that situation. He can't really defend himself physically or he goes to jail, and in Western World domestic situations men have virtually no rights. So the man is just pushed to give in. I used to think violence towards woman is one of the most horrible things imaginable, and I still believe that. However, through personal experience I have learned that there is at least a small fraction of a percent of women who are so evil, or so twisted that they would pretty much be in place to reap what they sow were there no laws to protect them. Who remembers Karla Homolka?

I'm sorry this got way too dark. Have fun at the car show. I was at a large one with over 1000 cars this summer myself. Being in Alberta you'll probably see many of the one's I saw in St. Albert. There was some neat unique stuff there. In the future just be careful about getting pushed around too much. If you end up giving up ground all the time then it's time to leave. A relationship is supposed to be some sort of partnership, not a dictatorship.

I must be married to your ex's sister... If we have a car show close, or I want to go to the drag races which is nothing local for me... Its a war and all I do is think about having to go back to my home that I'm not even welcome in-the whole time I am gone. Its a crazy life, but some people are just off the rails... I don't even ask anymore. I don't even bring anything I want to do up. I just spring it last minute, drive off and put my phone on silent. It works better for me that way, for now.

If she wants to do something, I never do her like that, because I want her to go and have truly good time.
I just don't understand. I would understand if I was not paying our bills, or going when we couldn't afford it, not the case. I know some AS/ ASD people are not good with money, but I do take care of, and stay up with my finances. If I could balance my relationships like I balance my check book I would be a reasonably happy guy. Not sure why I cant... I guess that is why I am classified ASD.

 

[The Midge]

I couldn't say never compromise. I've been married 22 years or so. You have to compromise sometimes. If you have children you have to compromise exponentially more. If the children are ASC then cube the amount of compromise. My wife certainly does. You have to or it is over. If we never compromise then we will be seen as trying to be a brutal dictatorship.

In this instance it would be worth explaining why a later start would cause problems (we will be sitting in lines of traffic for hours, the photo shots gets blocked by crowds, it is my routine and way to cope with a big event; are all valid reasons). And buy her breakfast on the way- your treat?

 

[SusanLR]

I would be cautious.
Routine means a lot and I don't like being told what to do.
I weigh everything. If the compromise seems worth it, fine. If it annoys me, then I would just explain why it does.
A one time shot to see how it goes wouldn't be bad IMO.

I'm just very wary of compromise as it can lead to being contolled if you let it. I feel like I've bought, sold and paid for in my current situation. But, then I have my own reasons for staying in it for now.
Good luck, hope you have a fun day.
I like car shows also and have been to many different ones in Florida. Lots of photographs.
This, I think, was my favourite classic:

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'll chime in on this and agree with what has been said. I think this requires a "take it or leave it" approach. Coming from experience of an 8 year relationship which evolved into a brutal dictatorship. Giving in a little at a time in the short term the changes are not even noticeable. Years later it's becomes "OMG WTF how did I get here." It came to the point where I was not allowed to use my own computer, not allowed to make a meal for myself, not allowed to spend money, not allow to buy shampoo for myself (had to use what scraps she had left...etc.) Now mine was an extreme case and not all will turn out that way.

Some might ask "What do you mean not allowed?" Well I was with a psychotic ***** who would get her way no matter how small the issue and no matter what the cost. I didn't really let it go that far but if she had to resort to violence over something as stupid as a tube of toothpaste she would do it. An abusive woman of that caliber knows they have a man over a barrel in that situation. He can't really defend himself physically or he goes to jail, and in Western World domestic situations men have virtually no rights. So the man is just pushed to give in. I used to think violence towards woman is one of the most horrible things imaginable, and I still believe that. However, through personal experience I have learned that there is at least a small fraction of a percent of women who are so evil, or so twisted that they would pretty much be in place to reap what they sow were there no laws to protect them. Who remembers Karla Homolka?

I'm sorry this got way too dark. Have fun at the car show. I was at a large one with over 1000 cars this summer myself. Being in Alberta you'll probably see many of the one's I saw in St. Albert. There was some neat unique stuff there. In the future just be careful about getting pushed around too much. If you end up giving up ground all the time then it's time to leave. A relationship is supposed to be some sort of partnership, not a dictatorship.

Where did you leave the toothpaste you s.o.b ?



(I've read your other posts so am confident youll take my intent right and not be offended)

 

[Starfire]

I think people have made some great points on both sides. I've been married 19 years and from my experience compromise is essential to making a relationship work, on BOTH sides. There is also a fine line between compromise and allowing oneself to be pushed around or into doing things we don't want to do sometimes, for the sake of keeping the peace.

I presume that the classic car event is not something that is on often. It is an event that you look greatly look forward to and have a routine set up that helps your enjoyment of the event, big breakfast, good parking etc. As you invited her it's a shame she didn't fit in with your plans for the reasonable reasons you gave.

It was good of you to compromise this time, and it will also give you some leverage in the future to anything she she invites you to, that you may not be entirely happy with. You are right to recognise that as you've been used to doing what you want when you want things will be difficult for you in the beginning, but it's early days.

There's nothing wrong with bending a little from time to time, but anything that is bent too far, or too often, will break.

 

[dragoncat16]

Geez, it's only half an hour, and I think her not wanting to start her day so early has nothing to do with bipolar disorder. I have noticed that men tend to want to start things really early, but women tend to need more time to get ready in the morning. She wants to spend the day with you and she wants time to get ready so she'll be looking and feeling her best when you pick her up. Take it as a compliment.

 

[Streetwise]

i know someone who is bipolar and mornings are usually late if theyre in one side if theyre on the upper side theyre awake around 4-5am
but i know its very hard being severely depressed and not eating properly will make you physically weak.
also lying still for hours every day for possibly weeks , in depression stage ,doesnt do your physical body any good .
then happy stage is probably so draining you need to lie down.

Good points, this might be dictating, but I think 8 AM is reasonable, I'm not that unhappy with it, perhaps it's the way I wrote it... It's a weekend morning, heck I'm no morning person... Maybe it's naive, but based on other people I know compromise in some situations isn't always bad... If it had been as late as say 10 AM I would go on my own...

I actually think I need to learn how to let go a little bit at times, would probably be good for me in general, see how tomorrow goes...

 

[Sherlock77]

Just about to leave the house... 7:40 AM local time... This show is a big deal to me, me and my routines... One of the few times I'll miss church for an event... I have gone every year since 2005! Watched it grow from rather small to the current size of enormous... Wish me luck

 

[Keigan]

It is a good thing to be flexible and stretch your routine.

Though, how flexible was she in her response?

30 minites, who can’t get up 30 minites earlier.....

Have fun today.