The challenge of friendships.

[SageRose]

I've had several types of friendships growing up. In all of them I'd make the mistake of being too...'attached' which would usually end up in me feeling sort of betrayed when those friendships would prove to be pointless. My most important ones are my two recent friendships which sadly both happen to be long distance friendships.
The first friend is someone I met in my island in the office we were both working. She was facing a very hard time of her own, with a blackmailing prick of an ex, and apparently (from what she's told me), I was the only peer who supported her the most, which caused this 'emotional' reaction of her and we became close friends. When she left the island and went back to her town, we started communicating through the web or phone. This happened two years ago. Since then we've been communicating like that and we've only met one more time in real. At the beginning when she'd express her gratitude to me and proclaim me her friend, I admit I was a bit skeptical.

There is something fishy about someone regarding you with so much enthusiasm mainly due to gratitude..because they believe or feel that you helped them so much. It's just that I don't trust that a sense of gratitude is enough to create a proper basis for a lasting friendship. And lately it seems that I might be confirmed because as the time goes by, she and I are losing interesting things to talk about, we talk less often and most of our convos seem 'forced' and all the times I suggested we meet up were met with refusals for several reasons.It was always impossible or she'd say stuff like ''yeah we'll when we can'', etc.. but lately she has gone to visit another friend of hers (one she met at a camp), at least 2-3 times within the period of 2 months..it's kinda hard not to get suspicious about it. Point is...I feel that we're growing more distant every day and I feel that she prefers the company of other girls more, possibly girls that she thinks she has more common things with? I don't know, I always had the sense that I couldn't fit with any particular type of girls.

And the other friend I have (also on the web), is a girl I've met who is very similar to me..psychologically speaking and we 'get' each other a lot. Basically she's the first girl who really gets me. We've never met each other up close but we are able to communicate in a very deep level which is something I've always wanted in my friendships and never had. The bad thing is that she too is so far away and our communication isn't very frequent.

Sometimes I tend to feel lonely, especially when I try to get a new friend but only end up interacting with girls who I feel I can't talk to about almost anything. I don't know if other girls or guys feel that kind of loneliness but I've been feeling it a lot for years. It just bothers me to realize that I'm slowly losing that friend too or the fact that my initial gut feeling is confirmed...the one that was telling me that, that girl's enthusiasm and over-emotional attachment was superficial and was mostly due to her gratitude rather than a genuine sense of friendship with me :/

 

[All-Rounder]

If it is not forced and she is not feeling like she has to be your friend, gratitude can bring people very close. It can act as a common interest in the sense they feel that you get them and can talk to you about such things, trust and respect/admire you for what you did as well as thankfulness.

Its not bad to help others. And its not your fault if they did lose interest and honestly from what youre saying there is some distance and I can understand you could be a bit insecure due to new friends having more attention from your friends. I dont know whether you should talk to them or not about it but im glad you are telling us.

I dont feel loneliness as much when I have a boyfriend. I do keep in contact with friends but not as much, but the feelings remain the same even if the need to hang out is not as high. Could this be the case with any of them?

People also change. If theres anything I can rely on is that people's desires and thoughts change. And so do relationships oftentimes. I think that you will be able to find other friends who have more to offer to you that you currently need and have beautiful experiences, you just have to look ahead and do what you want. This site makes me feel better and meeting new people lets me feel like I will never have to look back, and I really like the encounters and discussions here. This makes me feel fulfilled.

 

[Isadoorian]

I know how you feel; I've always been a bit of a social hermit growing up, and so I've always basically kept to myself and never really had many friend friends (a fair few, at least 6 all together in various stages in my school life), acquaintances I've had, sure, but they either had their own little groups or hung out with people I didn't particularly enjoy being around. My last 2 years of High School I pretty much had no one and mainly hung out in the very back of the library by my lonesome after having my lunch until my next class started.

 

[SunnyDay16]

It's good to approach friendships with no expectations. Some friendships may be super close, while others just aren't. It depends on the person and the bond they have with you.

Unfortunately, life can be unfair. Just because we put a ton of effort into a friendship doesn't mean we'll have that effort returned, even if we hope that it's reciprocal. People reciprocate because they feel attached and/or close to the person, but it's not something you should expect.

 

[JDShredds]

This all sounds very familiar. And I definitely understand the loneliness of trying to make a new friend, or simply wanting to nurture a friendship with tepid results. Additionally, I have a friendship (with a couple) that stepped up significantly since I helped them move spontaneously when they were in a bind (this was a conscious choice to show them how much I cared). That "gratitude" aspect has me wondering if that's the primary reason they keep me around. Gratitude is good, and we have enough in common, but I do have a sense of doubt long term.

An interesting "connection" I've made recently is that I have two friends (both long distance) that have stood the test of time (20 years, in fact). The connection: They too are on the spectrum. None of us knew this when we met (or most of our lives). There just seems to be this loyalty and understanding that can't be quantified. I have a few NT friends, but they also feel to be the more superficial friendships. Still, I'm very grateful for them. Making friends does not come easily, and making good and lasting ones is like a four leaf clover.

 

[SL JediKnight]

I've had several types of friendships growing up. In all of them I'd make the mistake of being too...'attached' which would usually end up in me feeling sort of betrayed when those friendships would prove to be pointless. My most important ones are my two recent friendships which sadly both happen to be long distance friendships.
The first friend is someone I met in my island in the office we were both working. She was facing a very hard time of her own, with a blackmailing prick of an ex, and apparently (from what she's told me), I was the only peer who supported her the most, which caused this 'emotional' reaction of her and we became close friends. When she left the island and went back to her town, we started communicating through the web or phone. This happened two years ago. Since then we've been communicating like that and we've only met one more time in real. At the beginning when she'd express her gratitude to me and proclaim me her friend, I admit I was a bit skeptical.

There is something fishy about someone regarding you with so much enthusiasm mainly due to gratitude..because they believe or feel that you helped them so much. It's just that I don't trust that a sense of gratitude is enough to create a proper basis for a lasting friendship. And lately it seems that I might be confirmed because as the time goes by, she and I are losing interesting things to talk about, we talk less often and most of our convos seem 'forced' and all the times I suggested we meet up were met with refusals for several reasons.It was always impossible or she'd say stuff like ''yeah we'll when we can'', etc.. but lately she has gone to visit another friend of hers (one she met at a camp), at least 2-3 times within the period of 2 months..it's kinda hard not to get suspicious about it. Point is...I feel that we're growing more distant every day and I feel that she prefers the company of other girls more, possibly girls that she thinks she has more common things with? I don't know, I always had the sense that I couldn't fit with any particular type of girls.

And the other friend I have (also on the web), is a girl I've met who is very similar to me..psychologically speaking and we 'get' each other a lot. Basically she's the first girl who really gets me. We've never met each other up close but we are able to communicate in a very deep level which is something I've always wanted in my friendships and never had. The bad thing is that she too is so far away and our communication isn't very frequent.

Sometimes I tend to feel lonely, especially when I try to get a new friend but only end up interacting with girls who I feel I can't talk to about almost anything. I don't know if other girls or guys feel that kind of loneliness but I've been feeling it a lot for years. It just bothers me to realize that I'm slowly losing that friend too or the fact that my initial gut feeling is confirmed...the one that was telling me that, that girl's enthusiasm and over-emotional attachment was superficial and was mostly due to her gratitude rather than a genuine sense of friendship with me :/

I can relate I've met people and thought I was going to become good friends with that person and then not long after I found out their true colors they turn out to be Judas Iscariots so I got a new policy on friendship I can take them or leave them yes I shut the door on making new friends I'm happy with the ones I've got cuz everytime I try to let someone new in I get hurt

 

[Tom]

Although I learned early on how to fit in and get along with just about any group of friends, my close ones were usually only 1-2 at a time.

What seemed to be the key was similiarity of outlook and views although our personailities/lives might be quite different otherwise.

My friends were not therefore not always interlectuallizing introverts like me (though that did happen) but often very earthy or commonsense extroverts or very strong personalities. But at our core we tended to see the world in similar ways and had the same set of ethics.

So with new people I look for things to naturally click in their own way and time. If too many differences show, I will usually abandon it. Its not that the person is necssarily bad, they are just not a good match for me and time invested is usually in the end wasted.

 

[Shamar]

I've had several types of friendships growing up. In all of them I'd make the mistake of being too...'attached' which would usually end up in me feeling sort of betrayed when those friendships would prove to be pointless. My most important ones are my two recent friendships which sadly both happen to be long distance friendships.
The first friend is someone I met in my island in the office we were both working. She was facing a very hard time of her own, with a blackmailing prick of an ex, and apparently (from what she's told me), I was the only peer who supported her the most, which caused this 'emotional' reaction of her and we became close friends. When she left the island and went back to her town, we started communicating through the web or phone. This happened two years ago. Since then we've been communicating like that and we've only met one more time in real. At the beginning when she'd express her gratitude to me and proclaim me her friend, I admit I was a bit skeptical.

There is something fishy about someone regarding you with so much enthusiasm mainly due to gratitude..because they believe or feel that you helped them so much. It's just that I don't trust that a sense of gratitude is enough to create a proper basis for a lasting friendship. And lately it seems that I might be confirmed because as the time goes by, she and I are losing interesting things to talk about, we talk less often and most of our convos seem 'forced' and all the times I suggested we meet up were met with refusals for several reasons.It was always impossible or she'd say stuff like ''yeah we'll when we can'', etc.. but lately she has gone to visit another friend of hers (one she met at a camp), at least 2-3 times within the period of 2 months..it's kinda hard not to get suspicious about it. Point is...I feel that we're growing more distant every day and I feel that she prefers the company of other girls more, possibly girls that she thinks she has more common things with? I don't know, I always had the sense that I couldn't fit with any particular type of girls.

And the other friend I have (also on the web), is a girl I've met who is very similar to me..psychologically speaking and we 'get' each other a lot. Basically she's the first girl who really gets me. We've never met each other up close but we are able to communicate in a very deep level which is something I've always wanted in my friendships and never had. The bad thing is that she too is so far away and our communication isn't very frequent.

Sometimes I tend to feel lonely, especially when I try to get a new friend but only end up interacting with girls who I feel I can't talk to about almost anything. I don't know if other girls or guys feel that kind of loneliness but I've been feeling it a lot for years. It just bothers me to realize that I'm slowly losing that friend too or the fact that my initial gut feeling is confirmed...the one that was telling me that, that girl's enthusiasm and over-emotional attachment was superficial and was mostly due to her gratitude rather than a genuine sense of friendship with me :/

I don't know if you have seen any of my posts on this subject, but I have a form of autism which prevents me from forming bonds or attachment with another person, yet does not diminish the desire to do so. I would give anything to have a friend.
Thus, I think I can speak as an outsider in this area. In my observations, friendships come and go. Only rarely does a Damon-Pythias friendship develop. Many friendships seem superficial, as if one is using the other for some purpose. If a friendship seems forced, it is probably ending or never was. When you do find true friendship, hang on to it.
I have been lonely all my life. People pretending to be my friend have tricked, cheated, and humiliated me. I usually knew at some level what was happening, yet I usually went along with it because the (false) illusion of friendship was better than no friendship at all.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

life-long friendships are unicorns. people change, people go different life directions. you have to treat relationships like seasons. they come and they go and you should take best advantage of the season while it's there.

 

[china autie]

I don't have friends that I can really hang out with these days-- excepting my two friends who live in another state that I have known for a couple of decades.

But people round here either don't want to do anything with me-- which keeps things on a superficial level of hello how,are you and how is the dog-- or they only want to do things if it involves me coming to get them with my car and taking them where they need to go. This thing I have begun to say no to. I am not a taxi cab driver.

I am a human being.

So the community that I have found is made up of some homeless and nearly homeless people, a couple other disabled people, a few young anarchists, and some street musicians.

I go to a community meal sometimes to see some of them. It is winter here and not many of them are hanging outside. But none of them are people I can do things with, except for eating a free (vegan) meal (cooked by the young anarchists) or hanging out outside.

I usually develop one "work friend." With this job, it is only my boss that I see regularly. The boss is really cool. But it isn't quite the same as having a workmate to go eat lunch with once in awhile.

And then there is my abusive ex who I used to think was my best friend. I have barely begun (with help of domestic violence professionals) to process that.

Workmate friends tend to disappear shortly after working together stops. Others disappear once I decide I am not their personal shuttlebus. I do not want a friendship based on excessive gratitude because that wears off after a bit.

I have had what I thought were close friends on the internet but they too vanished when I quit Live Journal and Second Life.

WP did not prove out to be a good fit for me. People in local 12 step groups are not people that I wind up hanging out with. [Being in most 12 step groups when you don't believe in any gods has its difficulties]. I cannot now move closer to my two good friends in another state. My DOG has more friends than I do.

It has been this way for me my whole entire life. I was the last kid picked for gym class teams, the kid without a partner in a class where we were told to pair off, a misfit. When a new kid transferred into our class, I sometimes wound up befriending them.

I have always been on the fringes at school, work, volunteer work, social groups, whatever my whole life. Years of therapy did not fix this.

At the same time, the only option presented to my parents after my diagnosis was institutionization. My dad refused and so here I am. I came up in the days when ABA wasn't prevalent (and having seen ABA done to autistic kids, I am glad I didn't go through that), and when social skills group wasn't a thing. (I have zero confidence in that really helping either). My one ten week attempt at formal group therapy was a disaster for me.

My mother was my greatest bully and some of the kids in high school followed suit. My elementary school was incredible small so even though I was left alone, at least I was relatively free of bullying there.

Again, in college I acquired a few friends but like work, we haven't stuck. My bestie from 10th grade in high school and through college and i keep in touch sporatically.

So yeah, I get this. The difficulty of finding true friends is a tough thing. These days I settle for a feeling of connection for however long that each one lasts.

Not having someone to go to the movies with or go hiking with means that I either go by myself or with the dog. Without the dog or cats, my lonlieness would be much worse.

I know an Aspie at work but we hardly ever run into each other. They are in the limelight a lot and they like "Autism Speaks" which is something I don't comprehend.

I would like to meet some Auties here in my new neighborhood but they seem to be hiding or I just have not found them yet.

So all I can say is "yeah I feel you" but I cannot offer any tips or advice.

 

[SL JediKnight]

I don't have friends that I can really hang out with these days-- excepting my two friends who live in another state that I have known for a couple of decades.

But people round here either don't want to do anything with me-- which keeps things on a superficial level of hello how,are you and how is the dog-- or they only want to do things if it involves me coming to get them with my car and taking them where they need to go. This thing I have begun to say no to. I am not a taxi cab driver.

I am a human being.

So the community that I have found is made up of some homeless and nearly homeless people, a couple other disabled people, a few young anarchists, and some street musicians.

I go to a community meal sometimes to see some of them. It is winter here and not many of them are hanging outside. But none of them are people I can do things with, except for eating a free (vegan) meal (cooked by the young anarchists) or hanging out outside.

I usually develop one "work friend." With this job, it is only my boss that I see regularly. The boss is really cool. But it isn't quite the same as having a workmate to go eat lunch with once in awhile.

And then there is my abusive ex who I used to think was my best friend. I have barely begun (with help of domestic violence professionals) to process that.

Workmate friends tend to disappear shortly after working together stops. Others disappear once I decide I am not their personal shuttlebus. I do not want a friendship based on e,cessive gratitude because that wears off after a bit.

I have had what I thought were close friends on the internet but they too vanished when I quit Live Journal and Second Life.

WP did not prove out to be a goid fit for me. People in local 12 step groups are not people that I wind up hanging out with. [Being in most 12 step groups when you don't believe in any gods has its difficulties]. I cannot now move closer to my two goid friends in another state. My DOG has more friends than I do.

It has been this way for me my whole entire life. I was the last kid picked for gym class teams, the kid without a partner in a class where we were told to pair off, a misfit. When a new kid transferred into our class, I sometimes wound up befriending them.

I have always been on the fringes at school, work, volunteer work, social groups, whatever my whole life. Years of therapy did not fix this.

At the same time, the only option presented to my parents after my diagnosis was institutionization. My dad refused and so here I am. I came up in the days when ABA wasn't prevalent (and having seen ABA done to autistic kids, I am glad I didn't go through that), and when social skills group wasn' a thing. (I have zero confidence in that really helping either). My one ten week attempt at formal group therapy was a disaster for me.

My mother was my greatest bully and some of the kids in high school followed suit. My elementary school was incredible small so e en though I was left alone, at least I was relatively free of bullying there.

Again, in college I acquired a few friends but like work, we haven't stuck. My bestie from 10th grade in high school and through college keep in touch sporatically.

So yeah, I get this. The difficulty of finding true friends is a tough thing. These days I settle for a feeling of connection for however long that each one lasts.

Not having someone to go to the movies with or go hiking with means that I either go by myself or with the dog. Without the dog or cats, my lonlieness would be much worse.

I know an Aspie at work but we hardly ever run into each other. They are in the limelight a lot and they like "Autism Speaks" which is something I don't comprehend.

I would like to meet some Auties here but they seem to be hiding or I just have not found them yet.

So all I can say is "yeah I feel you" but I .a not offer any tips or advice.

I am in fact an autistic no they used to think I was an aspie but was re diagnosed as high functioning autism

 

[Bikutoso]

Loneliness is my only friend.

I would love to have friends.
But how to get it or maintain it I don't know.

 

[Thinx]

Tough one. In addition to high autistic traits I am an introvert, although I enjoy being around and with people some of the time. I think friendships tend to arise in conditions where I often see people, however I more recently find it's hard to comply enough with social requirements of others to maintain a friendship. I also find my way of basing my interaction and inputs on thinking rather than feelings can be hard for others, so I try to let my feelings come through more, if I remember to do so.

One useful trait I developed in childhood was perseverance, and therefore I was able to develop better social confidence and skills gradually in therapy groups despite fear and overwhelm for a very long time making that hard. However I am still not what most people would call sociable...

 

[SageRose]

I don't have friends that I can really hang out with these days-- excepting my two friends who live in another state that I have known for a couple of decades.

But people round here either don't want to do anything with me-- which keeps things on a superficial level of hello how,are you and how is the dog-- or they only want to do things if it involves me coming to get them with my car and taking them where they need to go. This thing I have begun to say no to. I am not a taxi cab driver.

I am a human being.

So the community that I have found is made up of some homeless and nearly homeless people, a couple other disabled people, a few young anarchists, and some street musicians.

I go to a community meal sometimes to see some of them. It is winter here and not many of them are hanging outside. But none of them are people I can do things with, except for eating a free (vegan) meal (cooked by the young anarchists) or hanging out outside.

I usually develop one "work friend." With this job, it is only my boss that I see regularly. The boss is really cool. But it isn't quite the same as having a workmate to go eat lunch with once in awhile.

And then there is my abusive ex who I used to think was my best friend. I have barely begun (with help of domestic violence professionals) to process that.

Workmate friends tend to disappear shortly after working together stops. Others disappear once I decide I am not their personal shuttlebus. I do not want a friendship based on excessive gratitude because that wears off after a bit.

I have had what I thought were close friends on the internet but they too vanished when I quit Live Journal and Second Life.

WP did not prove out to be a good fit for me. People in local 12 step groups are not people that I wind up hanging out with. [Being in most 12 step groups when you don't believe in any gods has its difficulties]. I cannot now move closer to my two good friends in another state. My DOG has more friends than I do.

It has been this way for me my whole entire life. I was the last kid picked for gym class teams, the kid without a partner in a class where we were told to pair off, a misfit. When a new kid transferred into our class, I sometimes wound up befriending them.

I have always been on the fringes at school, work, volunteer work, social groups, whatever my whole life. Years of therapy did not fix this.

At the same time, the only option presented to my parents after my diagnosis was institutionization. My dad refused and so here I am. I came up in the days when ABA wasn't prevalent (and having seen ABA done to autistic kids, I am glad I didn't go through that), and when social skills group wasn't a thing. (I have zero confidence in that really helping either). My one ten week attempt at formal group therapy was a disaster for me.

My mother was my greatest bully and some of the kids in high school followed suit. My elementary school was incredible small so even though I was left alone, at least I was relatively free of bullying there.

Again, in college I acquired a few friends but like work, we haven't stuck. My bestie from 10th grade in high school and through college and i keep in touch sporatically.

So yeah, I get this. The difficulty of finding true friends is a tough thing. These days I settle for a feeling of connection for however long that each one lasts.

Not having someone to go to the movies with or go hiking with means that I either go by myself or with the dog. Without the dog or cats, my lonlieness would be much worse.

I know an Aspie at work but we hardly ever run into each other. They are in the limelight a lot and they like "Autism Speaks" which is something I don't comprehend.

I would like to meet some Auties here in my new neighborhood but they seem to be hiding or I just have not found them yet.

So all I can say is "yeah I feel you" but I cannot offer any tips or advice.

Autie I feel like most of what you've described relate for me too, almost entirely. Like you, I've tried to fit in several different groups. I would try my luck with various groups and types of people only to see all of them leave. For years I kept thinking it's me. In fact I still try to figure out if I've done something wrong and what that might be. Thing is..I dunno what exactly to 'look out' for. I mean..is it the way I give them advices? Is it me acting silly when I'm very happy or excited for something? Was it me being a bit too honest about something and it offended them? Any of them could be the fault and yet I still don't think those are serious reasons to end a friendship...assuming they treated me as a friend, like I did with them ofc. Sometimes I just want a female friend to hang out with, go for walks, go to the cinema,etc.. and just be ourselves around each other without trying to oppress our nature so that we won't 'embarass' ourselves.

With that friend I got that was grateful to me, we had a few common things of interest however there was never really any actual connection. She'd spend several minutes babbling about her problems with me mainly listening and occasionally throwing in encouraging words but when the subject would come to me wanting to share something deep or something that bothers me, it's like she suddenly had no more time, or the subject would 'magically' go back to her after me saying like 2 lines..lol. In fact, I've noticed that in most of my buddies. Everyone seems to want to talk to me for hours about their problems but none of them seems to have enough time or attention for mine. And by the time they make 'time' for me, I'm already discouraged and umcomfortable to say anything deep about me to them. The only friend I have that gets me after all these years is the new one I made through the web.

I'm glad you have a dog I adore animals and and I'm sure I'd have a lovely time if I had a pet. Hopefully I'll get one someday.

 

[SageRose]

From what I can see, the feeling I describe is common among all of us here that commented. At least some people get it It's such a pity that we all can't meet each other irl or don't live in the same place :/