Talking To Girls or Women

[142857]

A recent tongue-in-cheek comment to Krazie243 (that he shouldn't talk about self-loving on a first date) got me thinking: What is some good advice on how to talk to girls.

I had no idea at all until I was in my 30s. Then I figured out that if you couldn't talk to girls you had to get the girls talking to you. So what are girls interested in? Clothes, accessories, travel, chick flicks, and so on. I figured out that bringing up "travel" was the only option that didn't make you look gay (not that there is anything wrong with that... unless you are trying to make an impression on a girl and have her see you as a potential boyfriend). So it was just "hi, what's your name, where do you live...... do you like travel/ where have you travelled to/ where would you like to travel to?". Aussie girls are always interested in travel for some reason. So you get them started, then just throw in the odd "hmmm" or "wow" and try to appear interested. It got so that my NT friends were asking for advice on talking to girls.

I am 45 years old and for most of my life girls/women have been mysterious and terrifying.

In fact I spent most of my life avoiding them as much as possible, through fear more than anything else. Girls that were interested in me... well I always imagined something wrong with them, not least of which was the fact that they were interested in me. Girls that I was interested in... well, subconsciously I only allowed myself to become infatuated with girls that I believed were unreachable, way out of my league.

So who among us guys is or was terrified of women? Have you managed to overcome that, are you still working on it, or have you simply given up?

I am resisting the urge to turn this opening post into a huge blog on my experiences. If the thread takes off I can relate my thoughts and experiences a bit later on.

I'll leave you with some lines from "The Love Song Of J Alfred Prufrock", something that many of us should be able to relate to:

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

 

[Krazie243]

Hehehe, I used to be terrified of women. Then I met a roomie who's boundaries did not exist. Obviously he had no homosexual interests but he could easily respond to homosexual trolling without flinching. He was one hell of a womanizer, dood is around 5'9" and weighs barely over 100lbs... red hair and geeky face and somehow his wife isn't enough for him and she even let's him sleep around every once in a while... good grief. So a while back me and him shared a place to take the burden of rent down a tad. Naturally, my intellect and his are around the same level (which is why we connected) but we have dramatically different styles. I learned quickly from him to become a lot more confident in myself and less afraid of social situations. I think I can attribute a majority of my social deficit conquering to him. He even motivated me to get into university when I was too lazy to put in the effort.

All that side-note deviations aside, I do sympathize with you on one note: I seem to only care for woman who are out of my league. I can't stand the idea of marrying a second-rate slut that just wants to make money and have the perfect American-style life. It just drives me nuts how 'young' all the girls are these days. I want a woman that understands the idea of "until death do us part" and is willing to consider suicide over divorce (metaphorical extreme of course)

The problem is, that my experiences with my old roomie helped me conquer fear of women that are not equal to me (opinion of course) but when I approach a woman that I like I feel like I'm made of jello. So problematic =(

I want a wife, but being Aspie I think makes it extremely hard. Perhaps I just need to find a female Aspie in Waterloo.

 

[Dani Evar]

Finally, this topic .

Indeed women have been mysterious and terrifying to me, not as 'objects', but in terms of my own practical aloofness. I lost my mother at mid-childhood -- prior to which she was simply my loveliest serenity above restless waves. She was also very intellectual, eccentric, and observant.

Subsequently, I encountered different girls and women at school and in the neighborhood -- most of them were very mean, or arrogant at best. In addition, I have never felt close to both of my grandmothers.

I was very lonely, not because I nearly had no friends (I've always loved solitude, without burying and judging its implications), but because I saw the world lonely in itself, especially beneath all sorts of less sensitive creatures throbbing against my heart.

Mentally, I have tried to philosophize about women, transcending my own mother and sisters.

I was briefly fascinated as well with Schopenhauer's view on women: http://www.theabsolute.net/misogyny/onwomen.html. But I sensed something else in them, and especially in the Platonic Female, which only I could bear silently or express.

Roughly saying, it is very easy to fall in love, Platonically, with a girl of my own abstraction. But, due to an intrinsic, weird combination of urge, curiosity, and shyness, I can project the Platonic girl rather arbitrarily onto girls out there (when I'm a bit out of balance, that is, perhaps due to bipolar disorder). At the end, I often suffocate in the shallow waters -- realizing they are no more than existent margins, nearly just 'bodies' and not so profound aberrations ('moods'), while all breaths have been exhausted.

Pain in pain, like rain in rain and dust in dust...

While the intellect remains intact upon 'slavery', it usually takes time before the full rejuvenation of the soul, if not a single big surprise. Of course, I haven't given up on the Platonic woman at all. I'd love to interact with her dynamically, or infinitely silently in the Universal Cavern.

Also, externally and mathematically, women look like curves to me. I used to refer to them as 'curves' and only my very few intellectual play-mates would understand me, silently or loudly. The most exotic, intelligent of them (of course they are so very rare), I used to refer to as 'infinitely differentiable curves' or 'manifolds of genus Aleph'.

The wounded air is still around: http://aspergic.com/index.php?/topic/281-do-you-care/.

But I'll never forget 142857's advise:

"It isn't easy to get over one's fear of women, but it is worthwhile. Maybe the best way is to meet a wonderful and intelligent woman who sees through your insecurities, sees the real you inside, and knows how to reach it and build a perfect boyfriend from the pieces. That was kind of how it worked for me. The problem with this approach is that the odds are against you, and your entire life could pass you by while you are waiting."

 

[Dani Evar]

"I can't stand the idea of marrying a second-rate slut that just wants to make money and have the perfect American-style life. It just drives me nuts how 'young' all the girls are these days. I want a woman that understands the idea of "until death do us part" and is willing to consider suicide over divorce (metaphorical extreme of course)."

SAME here. That's you at the end of my own words on it. And "until death do us apart" -- in short, a very AUTHENTIC (existential) woman who is even capable of undressing that terrestrial phrase, and of living with profound infinitesimal variations on every-day scale.

"I want a wife, but being Aspie I think makes it extremely hard. Perhaps I just need to find a female Aspie in Waterloo."

I know, like I wish I could say to some others, "This is so severely beautiful. Each furrow of solitude in my life is filled with slender sufferings. If you had my sort of human specifications, you'd be mentally and soulfully paralyzed in a day. I can only helplessly call it beautiful at the same time."

But maybe look for someone here? I'd definitely recommend Krisi, she wants to be a mother too, with all her heart . I don't know about her though! (I hope she isn't reading this anytime.)

 

[richbebo]

nice one, but i find it doesn't really matter what you talk about as long as you project confidence to them. I liked a girl once and got her number, i did this by asking the group we were in for there numbers to make it less obvious. The next day i texted her and i got no reply(i have no problem texting) and my brother then told me cause he was freinds with her as well that she had no credit and that i should call her. I have to admit i was nervous about it so i decided to down a couple of beers first(confidence in a can) then i plucked up the courage and phoned her. I always think girls are going to be like "what do you want?" but no, she was actually really nice and so i ended putting her on my family package( free calls on mobile) and aranging a date to meet up, i was really happy with this. So we then met up just me and her and we spent the day talking and went back to hers, she the subtly tried to hold my hand and of course i let her and this moment i knew she liked me aswell. So when i was on my way home i then thought i'm gna ask her out and once again nerves kicked in. I said to her "this is hard, but i feel if i dont ask i'm gna kick myself later" so i asked her out and she said yes and we were going out for three months. Just goes to show you can never always tell when a girl likes you.

 

[Sean2222]

nice one, but i find it doesn't really matter what you talk about as long as you project confidence to them. I liked a girl once and got her number, i did this by asking the group we were in for there numbers to make it less obvious. The next day i texted her and i got no reply(i have no problem texting) and my brother then told me cause he was freinds with her as well that she had no credit and that i should call her. I have to admit i was nervous about it so i decided to down a couple of beers first(confidence in a can) then i plucked up the courage and phoned her. I always think girls are going to be like "what do you want?" but no, she was actually really nice and so i ended putting her on my family package( free calls on mobile) and aranging a date to meet up, i was really happy with this. So we then met up just me and her and we spent the day talking and went back to hers, she the subtly tried to hold my hand and of course i let her and this moment i knew she liked me aswell. So when i was on my way home i then thought i'm gna ask her out and once again nerves kicked in. I said to her "this is hard, but i feel if i dont ask i'm gna kick myself later" so i asked her out and she said yes and we were going out for three months. Just goes to show you can never always tell when a girl likes you.

Wow, maybe you aren't as bad I had seen you in the first place. That was a very touching and heartwarming story there. Even go as far to say it was romantic. Didn't think it possible to come from a guy really. But it was nice. Oh and I would add to the confidence thing that you mentioned and also say to focus on her with conversation and get to know her when you talk. Not focus as much about rambling about yourself or your own narrow world. Try to focus on the girl and you will both be happier. What makes her happy, intrigues her, or lights up her heart. Find things you can relate to her world in your own. And show her you care enough about her to only be there with her focusing only on her. And you will get that across simply by being a good listener.

-sean-

 

[Sean2222]

To everyone in this thread:

Try to dig yourself up from your preconceived notions and fears. Stop wallowing in self doubt, pity, and being jaded. You need to amplify your confidence in front of the girls and show them you are worthy of them and that they aren't "out of your league". Girls are just like guys, well they are just like me actually on so many levels. That's why I know them and relate to them as well as I do.

You guys might have to work harder, but you can definitely get over these things and make yourselves more comfortable around them & better appeal to females. There is no excuse for this hopeless self sabotaging thinking that will forever rob you of any kind of pleasure or happiness when you avoid things you are too afraid to face. You need to understand what they want and need better and start showing them you sincerely care about them as beings (emotionally, spiritually, etc) instead of coming off like you are a lowlife that is only out for sex.

-sean-

 

[Sean2222]

A recent tongue-in-cheek comment to Krazie243 (that he shouldn't talk about self-loving on a first date) got me thinking: What is some good advice on how to talk to girls.

I had no idea at all until I was in my 30s. Then I figured out that if you couldn't talk to girls you had to get the girls talking to you. So what are girls interested in? Clothes, accessories, travel, chick flicks, and so on. I figured out that bringing up "travel" was the only option that didn't make you look gay (not that there is anything wrong with that... unless you are trying to make an impression on a girl and have her see you as a potential boyfriend). So it was just "hi, what's your name, where do you live...... do you like travel/ where have you travelled to/ where would you like to travel to?". Aussie girls are always interested in travel for some reason. So you get them started, then just throw in the odd "hmmm" or "wow" and try to appear interested. It got so that my NT friends were asking for advice on talking to girls.

Don't you think your assessment of what girls' interests are is a little stereotypical, narrow-minded, and misguided. if you took the actual time and care to get to know them you would see that many are not as superficial as you see them. Many females are looking for, captivated by, and drawn to the most beautiful and emotionally charged things and you just need to engage them in converstation to find what they truly find meaningful. Or what they want out of life and love, or what makes them truly smile. Stop taking advice from idiot guys who wouldn't know what a woman wants or needs if she acually tattooed in onto their foreheads. Instead start listening more what's in the girls' hearts and caring about the persons inside and not just their beautiful outward looks.

-sean-

 

[smithgirl656]

Don't you think your assessment of what girls' interests are is a little stereotypical, narrow-minded, and misguided. if you took the actual time and care to get to know them you would see that many are not as superficial as you see them. Many females are looking for, captivated by, and drawn to the most beautiful and emotionally charged things and you just need to engage them in converstation to find what they truly find meaningful. Or what they want out of life and love, or what makes them truly smile. Stop taking advice from idiot guys who wouldn't know what a woman wants or needs if she acually tattooed in onto their foreheads. Instead start listening more what's in the girls' hearts and caring about the persons inside and not just their beautiful outward looks.

-sean-

sean it is actually a good idea to get girls talking about things that they like, and from a girls perspective, lots of girls like that same things, that is the way girls are raised. we are raised to like clothes and make-up and stuff like that and most girls do like that stuff. so untill you know a girl its a good idea to talk about general things that girls like.

 

[Sean2222]

sean it is actually a good idea to get girls talking about things that they like, and from a girls perspective, lots of girls like that same things, that is the way girls are raised. we are raised to like clothes and make-up and stuff like that and most girls do like that stuff. so untill you know a girl its a good idea to talk about general things that girls like.

That's the beauty of the individuality and uniqueness of every single person Layla. What we talk about might be totally different than what I would talk about with someone else. Because I got to know what your interests are and I focus on the things we both enjoy. Do you ever see me talking about airplanes or insects or some other random thing that I know you could care less about? It will help if you can relate emotionally to the girl you are talking to and that's something you either get or you don't. I don't think these guys would know what empathy was if they fell in it.

My point was these guys wouldn't have a clue what a girl wants or what she finds important.
They are clueless and think that the average girl isn't going to see through that cluelessness, and they are dead wrong. They are looking for stereotypical systems to think every girl is exactly the same and that is simply not correct.

You don't just talk about about random stuff. You personalize things to that girl. You connect their world to yours. You get to know the girl and find out what she truly finds meaningful to her. What motivates her. What makes her smile. There are actually a good amount of romantic subjects that are best to be used when talking to girls, believe me they work . Not this generic stuff these guys are referring to lol.

And I'm curious are you telling me that if a guy were to start talking to you about makeup, hair, and nails that you wouldn't either break out into total laughter or get out of that conversation as quick as possible :lol: :lol: :lol: ?

By the way Layla, this is the guys only section isn't it I think I might start posting in the girls only section, that could be fun lololol.

-sean-

 

[RooRoo]

ahh us females we trow out hints every now and then but guys never seem to pick it up very easily but its all good.. i perfer not to talk to much about girly things. i like action movies and sports too.
and as for me if you know me well it is very easy to tell if i like someone i tend to talk about or mention their name a lot...

 

[Sean2222]

That's the beauty of the individuality and uniqueness of every single person Layla. What we talk about might be totally different than what I would talk about with someone else. Because I got to know what your interests are and I focus on the things we both enjoy. Do you ever see me talking about airplanes or insects or some other random thing that I know you could care less about? It will help if you can relate emotionally to the girl you are talking to and that's something you either get or you don't. I don't think these guys would know what empathy was if they fell in it.

My point was these guys wouldn't have a clue what a girl wants or what she finds important.
They are clueless and think that the average girl isn't going to see through that cluelessness, and they are dead wrong. They are looking for stereotypical systems to think every girl is exactly the same and that is simply not correct.

You don't just talk about about random stuff. You personalize things to that girl. You connect their world to yours. You get to know the girl and find out what she truly finds meaningful to her. What motivates her. What makes her smile. There are actually a good amount of romantic subjects that are best to be used when talking to girls, believe me they work . Not this generic stuff these guys are referring to lol.

And I'm curious are you telling me that if a guy were to start talking to you about makeup, hair, and nails that you wouldn't either break out into total laughter or get out of that conversation as quick as possible :lol: :lol: :lol: ?

By the way Layla, this is the guys only section isn't it I think I might start posting in the girls only section, that could be fun lololol.

-sean-

Lol it looks like this thing quoted the wrong message Anyway, what seems to have been left out was the importance of two people talking having fun, no matter what they talk about...


-sean-

 

[noraa]

I know this sounds stupid but what I do is I have a "cheat sheet" saved on my phone that you can check up on when you run out of things to say. It will just look like your texting or something.

- Conversation openers. (Example, ask her opinion on something. *in a perfume store* "Which perfume smells better this one, or this one?"
- Routines/Games after opening. (Check the link below for an example of a routine)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aWoN8MvGKw

- Some interesting stories about yourself that demonstrate a higher value of yourself and give you characteristics of an alpha male. (If you don't have any stories then be creative and make some up.)
- Some funny lines and replies.

And If I get rejected, then its not my loss its hers. She just missed out on a very awesome guy

Read this:

http://artemispua.blogspot.com/2008/11/cheat-sheet.html

 

[Sean2222]

I know this sounds stupid but what I do is I have a "cheat sheet" saved on my phone that you can check up on when you run out of things to say. It will just look like your texting or something.

- Conversation openers. (Example, ask her opinion on something. *in a perfume store* "Which perfume smells better this one, or this one?"
- Routines/Games after opening. (Check the link below for an example of a routine)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aWoN8MvGKw

- Some interesting stories about yourself that demonstrate a higher value of yourself and give you characteristics of an alpha male. (If you don't have any stories then be creative and make some up.)
- Some funny lines and replies.

And If I get rejected, then its not my loss its hers. She just missed out on a very awesome guy

Read this:

http://artemispua.blogspot.com/2008/11/cheat-sheet.html

So someone else subscribes to the 'alpha male' theory then lol. You do know that not every girl is the same and that kind of stuff isn't going to fly with the more intellectual/emotionally in-tuned girls. Such as aspie females. They tend to see trough that stuff better. NT females are more guided by emotions, yet are less adept at realizing them so they will subsconciously take better to these things but will still intuitively know if you are real or just playing a role for them.

And are you actually admitting to lying and making things up about yourself just to get someone to like you? You just committed the cardinal sin of being an aspie lol. But whatever floats your boat. I did like some of that stuff (nothing I haven't seen before though) , but it's really better you show that to the aspie males on here that have extremely low self confidence and have no substance at all. Trust me that if you think that intently about ways of impressing a girl that aren't really you (and you are trying too hard), then you are going to turn her off even quicker as she sees that you really aren't the alpha male you are perpetrating to be .

p.s. You left out being funny (even harder with aspie females), being a good listener, actually letting her know that you find every facet of her to be interesting, compelling, meaningful, and beautiful(not just the physical). Connect yourself to her and your world to hers in ways that blows her mind. It also helps to make her earn compliments, show her that you are the prize to be won and not her. And that she has to qualify to your standards and not vice versa. But you can also keep whispering to yourself that you ARE an alpha male

-sean-

 

[noraa]

You can go out and do something interesting. Just about anything you do can be made into a story as long as it doesn't lower your value.

 

[richbebo]

Wow, maybe you aren't as bad I had seen you in the first place. That was a very touching and heartwarming story there. Even go as far to say it was romantic. Didn't think it possible to come from a guy really. But it was nice. Oh and I would add to the confidence thing that you mentioned and also say to focus on her with conversation and get to know her when you talk. Not focus as much about rambling about yourself or your own narrow world. Try to focus on the girl and you will both be happier. What makes her happy, intrigues her, or lights up her heart. Find things you can relate to her world in your own. And show her you care enough about her to only be there with her focusing only on her. And you will get that across simply by being a good listener.

-sean-

Alot of guys are like this and can be sorta romantic, but theres some hidden unwritten rule that they just arent aloud to show it, they just always have to appear mucho all the time or they get called things like "*****", "pansey" or "gay" although i do think that aspies have more of a capacity to love than NT's cause we are more ethical and tend not to brake the rules of relationships like cheating. I used to be a right sappy bugger, i mean really sappy but i have changed so much now and think i was a right idiot back then because now i realise women dont respect that, they just think i'm some big schmuk who will let them get away with murder and i end up getting cheated on and made to look like a complete idiot. These days i tend to share the typical NT guys pholosaphy towards being romantic because it gets me nowhere, for instance my last relationship i had going pretty smooth when i didn't care that much for her, when i didn't care that she went away for two weeks back in the early days when she felt like she was nothing special to me but as soon as i my feelings changed towards her and started using the L word more she also changed into a right horrible ***** in fact went behind my back and started chatting to my ex about how much of a twat i was and that she was bored of me. As soon as i found this out i confronted her and we split after that only to find out three days later she was with someone else. This was like four months ago and i still have hate for her. But the point i'm trying to make is in alot of NT guys defence, some women can be horrible bitches aswell and this can make a guy not be so hastie to be romantic next time.

Sorry for yet another long rant lol

 

[Sean2222]

Alot of guys are like this and can be sorta romantic, but theres some hidden unwritten rule that they just arent aloud to show it, they just always have to appear mucho all the time or they get called things like "*****", "pansey" or "gay" although i do think that aspies have more of a capacity to love than NT's cause we are more ethical and tend not to brake the rules of relationships like cheating. I used to be a right sappy bugger, i mean really sappy but i have changed so much now and think i was a right idiot back then because now i realise women dont respect that, they just think i'm some big schmuk who will let them get away with murder and i end up getting cheated on and made to look like a complete idiot. These days i tend to share the typical NT guys pholosaphy towards being romantic because it gets me nowhere, for instance my last relationship i had going pretty smooth when i didn't care that much for her, when i didn't care that she went away for two weeks back in the early days when she felt like she was nothing special to me but as soon as i my feelings changed towards her and started using the L word more she also changed into a right horrible ***** in fact went behind my back and started chatting to my ex about how much of a twat i was and that she was bored of me. As soon as i found this out i confronted her and we split after that only to find out three days later she was with someone else. This was like four months ago and i still have hate for her. But the point i'm trying to make is in alot of NT guys defence, some women can be horrible bitches aswell and this can make a guy not be so hastie to be romantic next time.

Sorry for yet another long rant lol

Yeh tell me about it man. I'm way more sappy than you, trust me. You should see some of my writing or what's in many of my daydreams/dreams/fantasies. I have always been far more into romance and the idealism of true love rather than caring so much about the physical or anything superficial. I always wondered why I couldn't just be more typical, but it's just not me. Maybe leaning towards being asexual plays into that, but whatever the case I know what I want. And I have high standards and don't just settle for a girl that's simply pretty. There are so many more things that hold deeper meaning to me (and so many things that make females so amazing) and it makes reading them, finding out what defines them, their dreams, and what fills their hearts much more fun to me.

You shouldn't care what other guys think of you, just be who you are and be proud of it. Be confident in yourself and girls will like you. Who cares if you look 'cool' or not. If you are secure in your own sexuality it makes no difference how others perceive you.

You lost me on the b word though. I never call females that. Ever. Or the s word or any other slang. It's just too degrading and disrespectful. I don't even like it when females call each other that because it in turn allows society to perpetuate the evil stereotypes and objectifications because nobody lets anyone know how wrong it is. I don't think you would want to be called a word like that that attacked your sexuality or stance as a guy would you?

If your relatioships don't work out you need to look inside yourself instead of blaming everything on the girl. Chances are you are just as guilty or even more guilty in causing it to go wrong. When you don't take the time to see things the way they do and realize what they truly want or need you will never escape your own preconceived notions that are stuck in your own perspective only. In other words, stop being selfish and start caring more about her needs. That doesn't mean you bend to those needs all the time, there is a balance. It means you show her that she is truly important to you and that you know how to make her happy. Then she will be more willing to step out of her comfort zone to do the same for you. But blaming and not taking responsibility for yourself is going to leave you alone and getting more and more bitter or jaded.

Gotta love how these posts turn into passionate rants

-sean-

 

[142857]

Ah Sean, this is my first time back on this forum in ages, and after a very short time skimming some of your posts I can see that I am going to like you a lot.

If you can see past the enormous chip on your shoulder you might notice that most aspies have poor social skills and struggle to make good, casual conversation. That is what this thread is about, just a bit of friendly advice for people who have the same sort of struggles that I have always had. But you seem to have taken it as a cue to crow about your own superiority and the lameness of other aspie males.

 

[142857]

Sean, you continue to outdo yourself with your obnoxious, egotistical, ignorant, sweeping and insulting posts. Keep up the good work.

To everyone in this thread:

Try to dig yourself up from your preconceived notions and fears. Stop wallowing in self doubt, pity, and being jaded. You need to amplify your confidence in front of the girls and show them you are worthy of them and that they aren't "out of your league". Girls are just like guys, well they are just like me actually on so many levels. That's why I know them and relate to them as well as I do.

You guys might have to work harder, but you can definitely get over these things and make yourselves more comfortable around them & better appeal to females. There is no excuse for this hopeless self sabotaging thinking that will forever rob you of any kind of pleasure or happiness when you avoid things you are too afraid to face. You need to understand what they want and need better and start showing them you sincerely care about them as beings (emotionally, spiritually, etc) instead of coming off like you are a lowlife that is only out for sex.

-sean-

 

[Sean2222]

Sean, you continue to outdo yourself with your obnoxious, egotistical, ignorant, sweeping and insulting posts. Keep up the good work.

I thought it was pretty helpful straightforward advice. You can take it for being anything you want. I don't see anyone else looking for the bad in things that you are. So sorry if it doesn't meet with your approval. That only exposes your own insecurities. I had nothing but positive intentions for this post and all my others.