Support in public situations

[Lena_131309]

So, he we are approaching the "big world'... We, me and my AS partner, are going tomorrow for the first "official" dinner with a group of fiends. Until now, we were only having our private dates and from time to time we were meeting with common male friend for a movie or dinner. The same setup was planned for tomorrow, but the 3-persons dinner has unexpectedly evolved into 3 couples thing. I am fine with that and he seems to be excited about that as well, but I have some concerns (as always...). First of all, nobody from the group, except me, knows about his spectrum. All the people we will meet are "connected" to his job (he is a kindergarten teacher and the friends we are going to meet are the parents of the kids he is/was teaching). So, it is obvious, that they will know that there is something going between us. And that kind of news usually spreads fast...

Our common friend (the only one "being informed" about us), asked him directly if he has nothing against them knowing about us (in relation to his job) and if he should ask them for discretion. His reply was "I am completely cool about that, it's my private life and I can be with anyone I want to"...So, I guess, I should have no concerns here...Still, I would not like the opinion of him meeting me to have influence of his job (I am one of the mothers).

The other concern is that I am not sure, how I could support him tomorrow to make him feel comfortable with "us" in front of other people...I have no problem with him not showing me an extended affection (I expect it will be the case, based on my experience) but on the other hand, I do not want him to feel uncomfortable, because of me being "distanced" as well...Last weekend, when we were at cinema with our common friend, it seemed like I was the one trying to be more distanced, and him, in the contrary, trying to show me more affection (for example by giving me gift for the international women's day in front of our friend)....Where is the safe border? What is allowed? Do you think that he would appreciate if I would show him a bit of affection (like touching his arm or sitting close to him) or shall I rather be passive and give him the initiative in coming as close as he feels comfortable with? Please give me some tips...

 

[Tom]

I am not sure I understand. Is it frowned upon to date a Kindergarden Teacher where you live? Or is it a conflict of interest issue with his being involved with the Mother of one of his students (seeing how competitive kindergarden placement exams are)?

 

[Lena_131309]

I am not sure I understand. Is it frowned upon to date a Kindergarden Teacher where you live? Or is it a conflict of interest issue with his being involved with the Mother of one of his students (seeing how competitive kindergarden placement exams are)?

Well, it is definitely not "forbidden" to date a mother of a child you were the kindergarten teacher, but, as with any other relationship "within" work space (it is a small private school where we will see each other from time to time), it is usually not appreciated by the employer...at least in my understanding. Not his obviously. He has no influence on the selection of the kids being "accepted" by the school and he is not teaching my child anymore (she was in his group until she was 5). Let's forget about this aspect for the time being, it can be just my concern.

 

[Pats]

I'd understand the concern if it was one of his students. I don't see the problem.

 

[Lena_131309]

I'd understand the concern if it was one of his students. I don't see the problem.

That’s fine, like I said, it is more a “concern” in my mind, than an actual one

 

[Alexej]

Where is the safe border? What is allowed? Do you think that he would appreciate if I would show him a bit of affection (like touching his arm or sitting close to him) or shall I rather be passive and give him the initiative in coming as close as he feels comfortable with? Please give me some tips...

I am not sure what is allowed, I do not think there is a book of etiquette that covers this situation. It seems you are focussed you and him as an "item".

My suggestion would be enjoy the evening and not to worry about it too much. Be yourself and enjoy the time together

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

In time you will learn what he is comfortable with or not as far as PDA's are concerned.
Are you a worrier in general? Do all of your relationships start out like this or is there something peculiar about this one that has you agonizing? I'm a worrier but the older I get the less I naturally let bother me about dating. I've learned if I have too many questions about a guy, the underlying question is why am I with him if I feel so not at ease? Listen to your gut.
Not all aspies are the same. I love it when my date grabs my hand in public because it's showing me they are sensing a connection. I don't like a lip lock in public though. Another aspie would feel different than I do...it's just not a question you can really ask - you're trying to lump all aspies together.
Do what makes you happy until it doesn't