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Suicidal ideation

Hannibal

a cannibal
V.I.P Member
I am not actively suicidal at the moment, however I have experienced an uptick in general suicidal thoughts (without a specific plan) after my formal diagnosis. I think this might be because I assumed I would grow out of my problems, or I thought I'd find some miracle medication to "cure" them, or they would dissipate after a year or two of therapy. I now understand that that's not the case and what I have on my hands is much more complex and chronic.

I am assuming almost everyone, if not everyone here has experienced suicidal thoughts, and I'm wondering how YOU cope with them (outside of therapy or medication). I have decent coping mechanisms but I think I need new ones and new mindsets and perspectives. How have you dealt with these thoughts? What do you do when they occur?

How have you distracted yourself from thoughts of self-harm?

Also, if you have a story about long term-battles with suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or severe depression you'd like to share, please do. Reading other people's similar struggles makes me feel more understood and less alone.

Only neutral or positive recommendations please!
 
1- The thought that my kids need a mom that is alive, even if they don't want to see me, or don't live with me.

2-Also, sometimes I change the suicidal ideation for runaway ideation, and I dream that I will become some day John Mc Candles in the movie Into The Wild :p. Who knows??? That might happen. Someone told me that the movie Nomadland is about that, too, but not as extreme and more realistic.

3- I suddenly realized that I don't care if I don't live. I don't want to kill myself, but it's ok if I die, so I accept everything, so, odd enough, ever since I started thinking that way, my anxiety is almost gone.

4- I rest A LOT.


 
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I don't think everyone who is on the autistic spectrum will experience suicidal thoughts. No more than everyone in any stigmatised minority group will do so, but some will.

I'm not saying that to nitpick your point, but to alert you that you could be assuming there are less possibilities, strategies and coping mechanisms out there than there are?

Although it's true that autism is a neurological difference, and doesn't go away, this doesnt mean one stays the same and doesn't progress, or change, or that other aspects of life experience and upbringing aren't relevant. The example I often use is attachment theory, that explains how the quality of early and ongoing attachments affects us in childhood and as adults.

Within this developmental system, the attachmental styles we learn and use in childhood, whilst they may be insecure rather than secure, can in fact be developed on from, towards greater security, in adult relating, therapy, and close relationships. Research has also shown that people with autism have and display these styles in similar proportions of secure or insecure, to neurotypical people.

So, although autism may be our neurology, it isn't all of who we are or what we can work on in therapy or in the world. It's an unchangeable complication, but it doesn't mean we can't change aspects of ourselves and/or find helpful strategies.
 
How have you distracted yourself from thoughts of self-harm?
Hi thank you this is timely for me.
• Exercise.
• Cutting way down on processed foods. Keeping my weight up - stress and anxiety make me lose weight.
• Exercise! Journal it. Have goals.

• Reading about & practicing meditaiton & mindfulness. I’ve only recently added stoicism to that research and it fits amazingly well. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
• Basic self-care rules followed 100% of the tine unless ill.You know: self and home cleaned every morning (or whenever works for your schedule). For me this includes exercise.
• Long, medium & short term plan even if hard to implement at least have them written down.
• Promise self to ASK for help when needed. For ex., a suicide line person helped me last year.

There is a good group called “Still I Run.” which I just found. Has info. on movement and mental health.

There is a zoom women & stoicism event this weekend which is basically free. It is all about living well despite, well, the difficulties.
 
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The closest I came was when I dropped Zoloft cold turkey because of its physiological side effects. Sitting in my car with my Glock. Thought it would be too selfish, so didn't go through with it. I hunt, so have my firearms and ammunition under separate locks. The way I have been feeling lately, when my spouse will be visiting her sister later this month, leaving me alone, I will have her take all the keys, except for my air target pistol (18 cal, 750 fps).

What scares me far more is violent ideation. Given some risky pursuits; whitewater open canoe, performance driving, I am unafraid of death. Yet, I can empathise with the young adult that killed schoolchildren or the young man who killed women in an explosion of nihilistic rage. And I am afraid that with my training I will be effective. The saving grace is that my (damaged) mind bends towards justice and ethics, so I think it is far better to harm oneself than another.
 
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The example I often use is attachment theory, that explains how the quality of early and ongoing attachments affects us in childhood and as adults.
So, @Thinx, what does attachment theory say when a person does not experience integration at an appropriate age? Looking at Maslow's hierarchy it is quite obvious that I did not have emotional needs met appropriately. I was 5-sigma past the age when people have their intimate needs met. I have not seen anything regarding the dysfunction resulting from this deficit.
 
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@Sabrina, you really need to read the book instead, it is much better, and even then it leaves out whole chunks of Christopher McCandless's story, such as how Walt McCandless would drink himself into wild, unpredictable rages in which he would demand that his children call him God, and how Billie openly told Chris that she was "stuck with" Walt because she got pregnant with Chris.

I personally started actively planning to leave civilization after reading Into The Wild in early 2007 and realizing that I would NEVER fit in to NT society and that the only way to deal with it was to remove myself from it. I decided that the nomadic life entailed too much of depending on other people, and that I needed remote land where I could live off Nature. I was suicidal for nearly all of my childhood and well into adulthood. Once I decided that I had to abandon civilization I started feeling better.

Another read is Industrial Society And Its Future by Theodore Kaczynski, aka "The Unabomber Manifesto". I haven't read it in ages, but I plan to buy a copy off Amazon (a group of his fans maintain the copyright and sell copies for the price of production and shipping) and reread it. His theory that industrialism is making humans sick and insane echoes Krishnamurti's theories that industrial man is well adjusted to a very sick civilization. IOW, suicide for auties is a reaction to a civilization that is not built for our neurology, and is a desperate attempt to remove ourselves from it.
 
How have you dealt with these thoughts? What do you do when they occur?
First, stay accountable to an autism-competent counselor.

You are most likely grieving the neuro-typicality that you will never attain and, perhaps, the years lost trying to live in the wrong paradigm.* Even if our emotions are muted, we still have them and we must go through the grieving process just like anyone else. It does not last forever.

On the other side, being neuro-diverse is not a sentence. Embracing it is a reboot.

*I was living in the neuro-diverse paradigm from an early age. I just found out about the autism component later.
 
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I understand completely. I have been living with cancer, and I'm a single mother. This lockdown and the societal unrest has really done a number on me.

All I can say is that life is worth it. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am so excited for it. Once you face chronic illness, every day and every birthday is a gift. I delight in my wrinkles and grays now.

And the family that used to drive me up a wall and I felt so alienated from and bitter about my past? Now they are my constant source of comfort. I really really love them and all I want is for us all to be together.

If you strip away all of the little annoyances, you realise that life is so very precious. And the people who you used to be angry at, they are your beloved.

Treasure each day. Ignore every distraction. Focus on love.
 
I am not actively suicidal at the moment, however I have experienced an uptick in general suicidal thoughts (without a specific plan) after my formal diagnosis. I think this might be because I assumed I would grow out of my problems, or I thought I'd find some miracle medication to "cure" them, or they would dissipate after a year or two of therapy. I now understand that that's not the case and what I have on my hands is much more complex and chronic.

I am assuming almost everyone, if not everyone here has experienced suicidal thoughts, and I'm wondering how YOU cope with them (outside of therapy or medication). I have decent coping mechanisms but I think I need new ones and new mindsets and perspectives. How have you dealt with these thoughts? What do you do when they occur?

How have you distracted yourself from thoughts of self-harm?

Also, if you have a story about long term-battles with suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or severe depression you'd like to share, please do. Reading other people's similar struggles makes me feel more understood and less alone.

Only neutral or positive recommendations please!
I don't think every autistic person contemplates suicide (though I'd guess it is more than 50% who do). But I do think that every person who is first diagnosed with ASD in adulthood goes through a period of re-examining who they think they are. Which sounds like it's where you find yourself now.

This will seem like a humdrum suggestion, but I do believe in a combination of antidepressants and talk therapy. Not every med and not every therapist is equally good for every patient, so it may take a period of time getting relief.

I disagree that you have to find an autism-competent therapist; I have had several who offered a disclaimer at the outset that they had no experience with autism. But they were good, collaborative therapists all the same. I have a preference for clinical psychologists, who generally have a more extensive and broader education than a master's level therapist, who in turn is probably better than someone with only a bachelor's degree.

I hope this helps.
 
Alright, I have some different thoughts on this subject, so please bear with me for a bit.

You ask for methods of dealing with the thoughts you currently have, but I ask you this: Wouldnt it be even better, if these dark thoughts were simply not allowed to form in the first place?

They come because your view, your "attitude" if you will (I cant think of a better term) is already so very dark. You are telling yourself "I cant do X. It is hopeless. I will lose. I will fail". That's the sort of thinking that leads to these kinds of thoughts. Or, if not these kinds of thoughts, just depression and bad moods in general.

And my advice is the very same advice I always give in this situation: Stop saying "I cant", and start saying "I can".

Think of a famous athlete, for instance. Someone renowned for their incredible performance in their sport. Everyone thinks it's all about skill, but I tell you this: Skill alone is simply not enough to reach that sort of level. They are able to do what they do, really BRING OUT that skill, because they sorta force themselves to go with a positive approach. They say "I can do this". They visualize themselves holding that trophy or whatever. Their absolute focus on the positive can alter the situation overall, and really bring out their potential. And even if they do lose a match, they say to themselves "I lost this one... but I'm going to learn from it, and improve EVEN FURTHER". That sort of thinking, THAT is what allows someone to push themselves to that level. I'm speaking from some experience here (not with sports though).

In this context of course, it's not about you winning some tournament or whatever. But instead, it's about how you're viewing this situation and the "condition", if you will. What if the whole autism thing actually ISNT purely negative? After lots of experience and lots of pondering, I've come up with this opinion of autism: It is not a "disease"... not a purely negative thing in most cases. Rather, it is a DIFFERENCE. A difference that tends to create both negative AND positive effects. And the choice of which you focus on is what determines many things.

For instance, the ease with which you create that art of yours... your mind may simply function in such a way that really allows you to bring this skill out, and that unique function can be an effect of this condition. Or perhaps you have unique ways of thinking and approaching things that could give you an advantage in various situations. You know, stuff like that. The "difference" makes some things harder, but others easier... even if you dont yet realize it.

Something that many find rather unusual about those on the spectrum, is that even if they were presented with a guaranteed cure with no side effects, quite a few would actually REFUSE it. Including myself. Because they've experienced the negatives, sure... but also realized the positives. And realized that it's really just part of who they are... nothing more, nothing less. A difference, not a disease. Dont get me wrong, there are some who absolutely would want the cure, it's certainly up to the individual. But what I'm trying to say is: even though you seem to think it's all bad, all dark, it very well may not be.

But you arent going to be able to find the light in there if you keep going at it with that "I cant" view.

Something I get asked every now and then is why I call myself "Misery", when I tend to seem fairly positive, and am usually trying to help, often saying things like this. It is in fact the name I use absolutely everywhere, so there must be a reason, right? It's because I used to be a VERY negative person. I wasnt ever actually suicidal, but I've been deep into the sort of depression and the sort of moods that you are feeling. I have sort of an inherently dark personality, if that makes sense. And everything always seemed bad all the bloody time. Some very wise people in my life though, they went and showed me that maybe it wasnt... but that my outlook was totally blocking my view. After awhile, I found that they were indeed correct. And once I realized that, I was able to drastically improve in many areas.

And this could very well be the case for you too.

You CAN beat this, you CAN overcome it, and you CAN find the positives, even if they seem deeply hidden right now. But you can only do this if you start telling yourself that you can, and that you WILL. Dont get me wrong, it's not an easy task. But you really, seriously can do this.

And of course, those on this forum will back you up every step of the way. Never be afraid to ask questions on here about anything... helping to learn about being on the spectrum and what it entails, how to deal with challenges, and all that stuff... that's what this place is for. We are here for you, yeah?

Sorry, that was a bit rambly but I really dont do "concise". Hopefully what I'm saying here isnt an incoherent mess, sometimes I have a bit of trouble getting my message through in what I say.
 
I considered it seriously at about 8 and decided I would live, no matter how crappy my life. I never really changed my mind about that. Decision made. I don't get suicidal thoughts, possibly cos I'm decided on that matter. I just put up with life, it's over soon enough anyway.
 
Tried it once and failed. I took this as a sign that my time here is not finished although like some I really can't wait for it to be over.

Now with kids, its no longer an option. Just grit it and get through it day by day and try to appreciate the good and not let the bad take over. Still quite a struggle though. One thing that helps me is that when things get really bad and unbearable I try to remember that it's only a temporary, transitive state. It can't remain like that forever and things are usually better (or at least less foggy) the next day. I also like to think (more so wishfully) that the universe is giving me only as much pain as it thinks I can handle. I always thought of myself as an old soul, so whatever I learn in this life I take with me into the next (if there is a next).

I also delve deeper into my interests to try to distract from dark thoughts. Includes listening to music, having a good cry and leaving it behind me and starting anew. Therapy never worked on me, mostly because I already know what I should be doing.

I remember reading this blog that put what I feel in better context, the way he puts it as making peace with it because for me at least it will never truly go away. Which means having come to an accord or ceasefire and just learning to coexist with it.

"I am not always very attached to being alive | The Outline" I am not always very attached to being alive
 
Had a few near death experiences earlier in life, one of em (near drowning) I had my whole life flash before my eyes in less than a second. Another time a random person intervened. Like the above poster, it makes me think it aint happening till it happens.
 
There's some helpful advice here. Medication and therapy can be a big help. But most of the responses were dark and relatively hopeless. There's a way out of that. I live a life of near constant joy and rejoicing and I advertise that regularly here, much to the chagrin of certain cats. But I can't tell you what brings me this peace, acceptability, and fulfillment, because you won't believe me. It will be immediately disregarded. But as long as you explore the darkness proposed by the majority of the posters here, it will never come to you. You will struggle to resist suffering all you life.
 

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