Struggling with acceptance

[Markness]

My therapist has told me she thinks I need to accept being single and move my mind towards other things until a relationship can happen for me. However, I struggle to come to acceptance for many reasons. I always see others socializing at places like where I work, stores, arcades, the only bar I go to (it’s a bar/arcade combo), music shows (before COVID hit, that is), and my family constantly has social functions. It makes me feel the FOMO phenomenon and I sometimes don’t want to get up a lot of days though social isolation isn’t helpful either. I’ve also been told I look attractive (although my receding hairline has made those comments come less) and shouldn’t have any problem attracting women but that doesn’t happen in my day to day living. COVID has also made me feel even more isolated than before. I really wish I didn’t have the social struggles that comes with having Aspergers.

 

[Statest16]

Don't give up

 

[Thinx]

Acceptance doesn't mean you're happy about it, it's just an acknowledgement that that's how it is at present, so that you can stop brooding on it and then in fact you will actually have more chance of making it different.

You could limit the brooding, put your head up, look out at the world, dig into your interests, notice what works well to engage and interest others when you chat with friends or customers at the library, get a vaccine when they come on stream and get on with some interest groups or a class or 2 in things you enjoy. Practice being a good listener at interest groups, that's a great skill, and one we can often do better than some, if we try. Really showing interest in what the other persons saying, and helping them feel heard.

 

[Au Naturel]

Be comfortable in your own skin. A comfortable person is an approachable person.

Age is acting in your favor. Look to women your own age or older. Your competition is all chasing after the younger ones.

Acceptance is all about understanding where you are at without resentment over how you got there or trying to wish it away. It doesn't mean you don't try to improve life. It means you are still able to enjoy life as it is while you work on a way to advance.

 

[Markness]

Acceptance doesn't mean you're happy about it, it's just an acknowledgement that that's how it is at present, so that you can stop brooding on it and then in fact you will actually have more chance of making it different.

You could limit the brooding, put your head up, look out at the world, dig into your interests, notice what works well to engage and interest others when you chat with friends or customers at the library, get a vaccine when they come on stream and get on with some interest groups or a class or 2 in things you enjoy. Practice being a good listener at interest groups, that's a great skill, and one we can often do better than some, if we try. Really showing interest in what the other persons saying, and helping them feel heard.

I made myself get up and take two walks in different locations outside (currently still on the second one) so does that fall under looking out at the world?

 

[Thinx]

I made myself get up and take two walks in different locations outside (currently still on the second one) so does that fall under looking out at the world?

That's great, it sounds like this has been tough, but you are taking effective action, very well done. I hope the walk is interesting, it certainly does count as looking out at the world. Walking does help to get air and exercise and new thoughts and ideas I find, hope it works that way for you too.

 

[Markness]

That's great, it sounds like this has been tough, but you are taking effective action, very well done. I hope the walk is interesting, it certainly does count as looking out at the world. Walking does help to get air and exercise and new thoughts and ideas I find, hope it works that way for you too.

It has indeed been tough. The last three big holidays of the year are very social oriented and I am the only one in my immediate family who isn’t in a relationship of any sort so I keep getting reminders of my singlehood. I did try to break the vicious cycle of loneliness by giving dating apps a try but I got ignored at best and ghosted at worst. I also can’t attend public social gatherings due to COVID.

When I look up information on single people in their 30’s, I am often met with discouraging information. I’m at the age where I am typically expected to have a career and be ready to “settle down” because the “fun dates” don’t happen anymore and women want more serious relationships at this point in their lives but I don’t even have a college degree and I haven’t been on a date in years so I am far from having gone “around the block” so to say so the deck is already heavily stacked against me. COVID hasn’t helped either.

I’m already scared my next birthday will pass and I will still be suffering from loneliness. I feel like every option works for everyone else but they’ve been denied to me.

 

[Au Naturel]

COVID will go away. Then group functions will be a thing again.

If doing what you have always done hasn't worked, then you need to approach the problem differently. I can't think of a worse way to look for a relationship than a dating app. Everybody lies or at least exaggerates. These are little more than placing an ad, like for a used car or a brand of clothing. For people who are rough on the surface but wonderful underneath, this kind of surface skimming doesn't work.

I met my wife at her cousin's birthday party. Who I only knew because I was renting a spare room in her condo. That's how it happens, random chance. Not seeming like you "need" a partner to complete yourself can make you more attractive. Being comfortable in one's own skin. Perhaps also not looking for the same thing everyone else wants. Too much competition there, too much surface and no depth at all.

Somewhere along the way, I learned to value my alone-ness. That made "finding someone" less important.

 

[Markness]

I’m not really looking for what most guys in the culture I live in typically want. Yes, I find the “hot model” types attractive but I know that I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell ever attracting them. Why? I am not a “hot guy” and those are the men they usually want to be with. I would be happy with a woman who was “geeky” or “nerdy” in appearance. I’ve also seen them with men who are often considered “losers” (fat or skinny and are geeky or nerdy themselves) by the majority of the people in the culture I live in but I still can’t even attract them and it’s very upsetting to me. I tried talking to some in college but they already had boyfriends and one at a bookstore turned me down when I asked her out for coffee.

 

[Markness]

What should I ask my therapist when I see her in the morning?

 

[Au Naturel]

What should I ask my therapist when I see her in the morning?

How to accept the world you are in, how to change the things you can, how not to worry about the things you cannot, and how to know the difference.

 

[Markness]

I was gaming with friends and I had a sudden feeling of emptiness from not having a girlfriend fall over me. I suppose since it’s something I’ve struggled with since my first and only relationship ended back in 2010, my subconscious is always going to bring up my feelings until I finally find love again (should fate be in my favor) or until I stop breathing.

I know it’s not healthy ruminating but I get so many reminders of my singlehood as well as images of romance wherever I go that I always get the ache of the void in me that wants love.

The year will end with me still being lonely. How can I make things change or has the time passed for me? I am 32 and I don’t even date while my cousins who are much younger than me are getting married.

 

[Au Naturel]

I was gaming with friends and I had a sudden feeling of emptiness from not having a girlfriend fall over me. I suppose since it’s something I’ve struggled with since my first and only relationship ended back in 2010, my subconscious is always going to bring up my feelings until I finally find love again (should fate be in my favor) or until I stop breathing.

I know it’s not healthy ruminating but I get so many reminders of my singlehood as well as images of romance wherever I go that I always get the ache of the void in me that wants love.

The year will end with me still being lonely. How can I make things change or has the time passed for me? I am 32 and I don’t even date while my cousins who are much younger than me are getting married.

The only thing is to live in the present. Enjoy the moment. The past no longer exists. It is tough to accept but once you do, you'll be free. Do not allow the past to control the here and now. Only a free person has any control over their future.

 

[Markness]

I really struggle with my mind swinging like a pendulum to one side to the other constantly instead of it staying in the middle. My therapist thinks that extreme thinking is my biggest problem and mindfulness is the key to healing my depression.

I hope one day I can post that I’ve found love and others will celebrate with me.