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So the internet went down at work briefly. For a moment I thought it was this site going down like it did yesterday. Anyway, I read my book and got to a section that is rather apt, so let me type it here:
The Trouble with Normal
The trouble with "normal," as Bruce Coburn tells us in his distinctively Canadian socio-political folk song, is it always gets worse. So-called "normal" people struggle to become "better than normal," and those who find themselves set apart by their uniqueness and/or challenges torture themselves because they wish they were "more normal." "Normal" is an exclusive club whose membership is based on an illusion. It's easy to pinpoint the "statistically average." Insurance adjusters do it all the time. "Normal" is everywhere and nowhere. It is normal to fall into different ranges of diversity in different areas. it is normal for some people to be outside the range of conventional social expectation and be outrageously different. No one is completely "normal." It is a target that doesn't exist, yet we hold fast to this precarious ideal and beat each other (and ourselves) up over it.
"If only I could be more normal," we say, and treat the blessings that make us who we are as if they were some kind of pestilence. Yet is it not all our fault. Mainstream society, the statistically average and dominant, hold on to social expectations and conventional standards as if they were membership requirements. When a person does not fit the image of what the majority expects everyone to be like, there is a harsh judgement of unworthiness. Membership in the clique of the "normal" is denied. A person who isn't careful can internalize this judgement and stigmatize themselves as not good enough. Stigma does untold personal and social damage.
Rather than basing trust on acceptance on meeting "normal" social expectations and conventional standards, we can ground ourselves in curiosity and allow other people's uniqueness to speak to us. It is natural to reserve trust until it is earned, but that doesn't mean we have to reject others on the basis of certain qualities. When people don't meet our expectations, it is expectation itself we need to release. Philosophers and spiritual leaders have long been telling us how expectations get us in trouble. Beating ourselves up because we don't meet "normal" expectations is a sure ticket to Ghost Town. It is normal to experience anxiety and depression. It is normal to get caught up in narrow self-absorbed prejudices, coping mechanisms and quirky habits. It is normal to panic when we feel distress and think it will get worse. It is normal to have challenges to contend with in life. It is especially normal to not feel "normal."
[...]
Let's be different proudly, keep learning who we are, and do what we have to do to take care of ourselves and each other. Let's flow with what makes us different and explore the differences between us rather than pushing each other away and not feeling good enough. What a silly bunch we are."
Gets a bit idealistic towards the end, but it's well intended. That's a excerpt from Trauma, Stigma and Autism. I have found the book particularly apt as it's written by a therapist who is on the spectrum.
Ed
Thats a good idea, i should do some core exercises anyway to approve my posture a bit.@phantom hi I successfully changed one of my stims. At least I think so. I used to tear at the skin around my fingers with my teeth.
i have a few stims but that one bothered me as it hurt & there were occasional infections .
To change it, I chose another mouth & teeth based stim. I wanted one that no one coild see, so I gently click my teeth. Not grinding them, just clicking.
It did not work until I made myself do a 1 minute plank every time I touched my mouth with my hands.
After 2 or 3 weeks of working on this, I noticed it had changed.
The combination of choosing a substitute that felt good with the slight endorphin hit from doing planks: that worked for me.
I still do my other stims and don’t feel I need or want to change them.
Have any of you ever successfully gotten rid of a stim/tics? I have a couple that i desperately want to get rid of. I wanna get rid all the facial tics and little sounds i make.
On girls twirling with hair is definitely cuter than biting lips, I will have to find something else to replace it with though.More like trading one for another. I think I have successfully transformed picking at my lips into hair twirling.
I have another slightly harmful OCD like stim I'm not proud of and I still do this one when I'really stressed and anxious.
The urge will never go away, even non autistic people stim.
@phantom hi I successfully changed one of my stims.
Anagrams are excellent for me as well, for sponging up other stims.This is the only way I've had success. I basically substitute a visible stim for a less visible one.
Instead of fidgeting with my hands, I'll stick my hand in my pocket and fidget with a straw thingy (It's scientific name is thingimus plasticus). Or I'll start working anagrams or math problems in my head.
If a tic or stim is getting in the way of social activities, lose it.
This is such a strange idea to me, because I never chose my stim. It chose me. I’ve been rocking since I was an infant, and although I have “changed” it in terms of environment (e.g. I haven’t rocked on the couch or in the car since I was a kid), I would never be able to change the rocking itself into a different stim. I can only choose when and where I do it.