Still confused by some things I am told

[Markness]

An online contact told me she got a girlfriend after telling me earlier she was depressed and wanted to kill herself. It made me have flashbacks of how when I was first becoming truly depressed and wanting a girlfriend, I was told I needed to be happy with myself and couldn’t be depressed if I wanted a romantic relationship. I took it as being told I had to somehow not be depressed by sheer will but the fact I felt lonely and was always seeing couples kept me feeling despondent.

My therapist also tells me I need to be ok with myself but at the same time, she’ll tell me I need to “put myself out there.” Well, I have been doing that lately. It hasn’t led to a relationship, though.

Are people giving me poor advice or is it because I’ve struggled with persistent depression for so long that my brain doesn’t want to get better?

EDIT: I just learned that the online contact and her girlfriend broke up.

 

[Fino]

I don't believe you have to make yourself any particular way to date people. In my opinion, that's archaic, insulting advice.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Well, even while depressed the only way I thought to start engaging socially and break out of my anxiety was to value myself and my interests, because then I had confidence in myself to face the uncertainties of making any connection even as I navigated compatibility. And I had several failures until I met somebody who thought I was valuable too. (added) It took me three years of trying for a single, but significant, success.

Please don't give up now. I believe it is a numbers game and as hard as it is at some point you will find somebodywho will validate the positive image of yourself.

This past year I have been depresses and struggling to find enjoyment in favorite activities. I want to feel again and am looking at my therapy positively as a way through. But still I am working away physically to be prepared for the outdoor activities I enjoy.

 

[Suzette]

@Markness ,

Sorry friend. Dating IS confusing. It is confusing for N.T. folk as well.

I think feeling happy and confident is good advice because it increases your chances to meet others and have a happy relationship. But "happy and confident" are not a requirement and many people, n.d. and n.t. alike, never have those two things together.
If one absolutely had to be happy and confident, or even just happy, to meet someone and have a relationship the worlds populations would be much smaller!

I think the real key is knowing that you can have a relationship. YOU, just as you are, are just right for someone else. Whatever traits or quirks you have are the perfect match for someone.

Go somewhere you can observe a lot of people. Look at the couples. Whatever they have going on between them they were a vibrational match. What is a "vibrational match"? Sort of like a stack of books and a pair of bookends. They are two different things but support each other. The books need to be proped up, the book ends need to prop up books. YOU, just as you are, are someones vibrational match. Do you understand?

Before I met my second husband I felt pretty much like the worst sort of dating candidate. I was over 40, unemployed, no money, a stack of emotional scars (but working on it), a single mom, no talents, no education. That is not really a lot to offer.
But I focused on my strengths, I am honest, sincere, loyal and loving.

I decided that it was o.k. if someone turned me down because I had "too much baggage" or was too old, not attractive etc. That really was o.k. with me because I didn't want to be with someone who thought those things were important. I wanted someone who was going to value the best of what I had to offer.

When we start looking to date others we humans often imagine that we need to match the other persons ideal fantasy person. We think we have to compete with a hoarde of gorgeous, smart and talented others and we look pretty pale in comparison.

But we don't have to compete at all. All we have to do is honor our own values, not try to convince anyone about how great we hope they will think we are.

Do you value honesty? Be honest yourself, treasure it in others and forgive those who aren't honest but don't spend any time with dishonest people.

Do you value kindness? Be kind and don't waste your time trying to figure out why someone isn't kind to you. They just aren't and are unworthy of you.

The more you focus on what you value from yourself and value in others the easier it is to find your vibrational match. The book ends for your stack of books.

 

[Jordy]

You will find a lot of agresive condescending advice online. Trust your experiences and ability to learn and reflect on your own, don't listen to every idiot on the internet who thinks they know you better than you do.

 

[unperson]

sounds a bit codendant- one is suidical and has found someone equally damaged who is prepared to put up with the manipulation around that.

 

[Telepath John]

Are people giving me poor advice or is it because I’ve struggled with persistent depression for so long that my brain doesn’t want to get better?

The brain or intellect does not want you to get better. Your dark side works with the mind to make you miserable. Yet every one of us needs to work with our mind to function in physical reality.

It is not an easy task to get yourself out of that persistent depression. Our mental health professions do work with subconscious programming to help with that. However that hidden conflict between the divine aspect of self with our dark side is not recognized as the core reason why there are mental heath issues.

Some day there will be better education about mental health factors. The human needs to be balanced. That happens when their darker inclinations are influenced by their divine aspects of self. Society tends to ignore those divine aspects of self within us. We have been conditioned to believe this divine influence is external. It is not. When we recognize this we can Begin to productively address mental health issues.

Our mental health professions are doing their best to help us. However without a better appreciation for core energetic factors within each of us, they are limited. They do know that self love will heal us. So that is good. Yet the concept of loving all that we are when we do not know exactly what that involves, can make any specific advice confusing.

John

 

[Suzette]

sounds a bit codendant- one is suidical and has found someone equally damaged who is prepared to put up with the manipulation around that.

Your statement assumes a depressed person isn't "worthy" of love, compassion, empathy, patience or understanding.

Some people may feel that is true about themselves. They have a deep self hatred. Their vibration probably won't get them even close to meeting anyone.

But "depressed" is not the active ingredient. It is in how you feel about yourself. You can be utterly sucidal and still love yourself and know you are worthy of love.

 

[Markness]

sounds a bit codendant- one is suidical and has found someone equally damaged who is prepared to put up with the manipulation around that.

She informed me last night that she and her girlfriend had a break up. She gave no reason why, though.

 

[Suzette]

She informed me last night that she and her girlfriend had a break up. She gave no reason why, though.

Did you ask why? Sometimes people assume you do not have interest if you do not tell them that you do.

 

[Markness]

Did you ask why? Sometimes people assume you do not have interest if you do not tell them that you do.

I was napping when she messaged me so the time I found out, she had logged off. I told her I was sorry that happened to her.

 

[Suzette]

I was napping when she messaged me so the time I found out, she had logged off. I told her I was sorry that happened to her.

An appropriate response! Don't worry, you two will find time to chat more.

 

[Shamar]

An online contact told me she got a girlfriend after telling me earlier she was depressed and wanted to kill herself. It made me have flashbacks of how when I was first becoming truly depressed and wanting a girlfriend, I was told I needed to be happy with myself and couldn’t be depressed if I wanted a romantic relationship. I took it as being told I had to somehow not be depressed by sheer will but the fact I felt lonely and was always seeing couples kept me feeling despondent.

My therapist also tells me I need to be ok with myself but at the same time, she’ll tell me I need to “put myself out there.” Well, I have been doing that lately. It hasn’t led to a relationship, though.

Are people giving me poor advice or is it because I’ve struggled with persistent depression for so long that my brain doesn’t want to get better?

EDIT: I just learned that the online contact and her girlfriend broke up.

You seem to be (slowly) improving over time. You used to only talk about your depression and lack of "relationship." Now you talk about other things, volunteering, books, online contacts. People are telling you what THEY think is good advice. It may or may not apply to you. Consider it all and reject what does not fit you. These things take time and effort. I stopped being suicidal (mostly) only after a dozen therapists , none of whom recognized my autism, and found one who actually worked, and got me out and turned me around. He could have used drugs, but didn't. What he did was find a way to bring out my inner strength and beat the self demons I had within me. It took time and hard work on my part, but eventually I defeated them (or at least put them in their place). I recognize they are not gone, and still practice the exercises he taught me.
You keep talking about not having a "relationship." Do you mean a purely sexual one, like no strings attached, friend with benefits, f(you can know) buddy, or whatever they are calling it this month? Or are you talking about an emotional relationship that leads to bonding? I am certainly not one who can talk about emotional relationships (you may know why), but from what I have observed, a good friendship with the opposite sex can build into bonding and a sexual partnership. I well know the pain of watching others easily meet people form friendships when I cannot.Don't give up, but don't rush either. Either way will lead to not getting what you want.

 

[Kalinychta]

I suppose it’s because your depression is specifically the result of not being in a relationship, right? Meaning that your happiness is dependent upon something you can’t control. When you do enter into a relationship, your girlfriend will basically be an anti-depressant for you, and if the relationship were to end, you’d go back to being depressed. That’s just not a healthy way to operate, and it will probably also be obvious to your girlfriend, which may very well drive her away. In fact, many of the women you meet now probably sense this in you and are put off by it.

It’s natural to be sad about not having a girlfriend, but sadness and depression are two different things. If your happiness hinges on being in a relationship, that’s bad, and will end up shooting you in the foot. When you do begin a relationship, your desperation to find a girlfriend will not go away; it will just morph into desperation to keep your girlfriend. And women don’t like desperate guys.

So, that’s why I say you should deal with your depression first. Which in my opinion involves doing things that you truly enjoy rather than choosing activities because you think you’ll meet women. The hiking group comes to mind. Don’t join a hiking group because you’re scouting for a girlfriend (it sounded to me like that’s the whole reason you did it). Think of something you will really actually enjoy doing—something that will make you feel happy and challenged.

 

[Aspychata]

This is all excellent advice. You may stumble thru several relationships and still never meet *your match*. So there is debate of should we wait for the right one or date the one that's not so right?

You are getting out there. You sound way more confident about yourself. I noticed you have more control over your emotions. I am sorry you are depressed. I think a lot of people suffer from depression then we care to admit. A lot of famous artists battled depression. Perhaps you can become more knowledgeable about depression so that you feel more in control of your life.

I see a different more self-assured you. You are evolving, you are maturing. Don't give up the search but everyday say hi to somebody and chat a little to increase your confidence.

 

[Aspychata]

This is all excellent advice. You may stumble thru several relationships and still never meet *your match*. So there is debate of should we wait for the right one or date the one that's not so right?

You are getting out there. You sound way more confident about yourself. I noticed you have more control over your emotions. I am sorry you are depressed. I think a lot of people suffer from depression then we care to admit. A lot of famous artists battled depression. Perhaps you can become more knowledgeable about depression so that you feel more in control of your life.

I see a different more self-assured you. You are evolving, you are maturing. Don't give up the search but everyday say hi to somebody and chat a little to increase your confidence.

 

[Markness]

My reply got deleted. I’ll have to remake one and I’ll do my best to reply to others.

I suppose it’s because your depression is specifically the result of not being in a relationship, right? Meaning that your happiness is dependent upon something you can’t control. When you do enter into a relationship, your girlfriend will basically be an anti-depressant for you, and if the relationship were to end, you’d go back to being depressed. That’s just not a healthy way to operate, and it will probably also be obvious to your girlfriend, which may very well drive her away. In fact, many of the women you meet now probably sense this in you and are put off by it.

It’s natural to be sad about not having a girlfriend, but sadness and depression are two different things. If your happiness hinges on being in a relationship, that’s bad, and will end up shooting you in the foot. When you do begin a relationship, your desperation to find a girlfriend will not go away; it will just morph into desperation to keep your girlfriend. And women don’t like desperate guys.

So, that’s why I say you should deal with your depression first. Which in my opinion involves doing things that you truly enjoy rather than choosing activities because you think you’ll meet women. The hiking group comes to mind. Don’t join a hiking group because you’re scouting for a girlfriend (it sounded to me like that’s the whole reason you did it). Think of something you will really actually enjoy doing—something that will make you feel happy and challenged.

It is, yes. It has its roots from when I was 17 and wondering why I didn’t have a girlfriend while all my male peers did. This was also before I learned I was on the spectrum. My therapist believes I bought into an ideal that I needed a girlfriend to be happy because I saw so many people coupled up and smiling. The funny thing is that a PE coach told all the male students is that the “devil” tells you that you need a girlfriend to be happy!

I plan on taking a Spanish course at college in the coming year. That will definitely be a challenge for me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My reply got deleted. I’ll have to remake one and I’ll do my best to reply to others.



It is, yes. It has its roots from when I was 17 and wondering why I didn’t have a girlfriend while all my male peers did. This was also before I learned I was on the spectrum. My therapist believes I bought into an ideal that I needed a girlfriend to be happy because I saw so many people coupled up and smiling. The funny thing is that a PE coach told all the male students is that the “devil” tells you that you need a girlfriend to be happy!

I plan on taking a Spanish course at college in the coming year. That will definitely be a challenge for me.

Interesting how we buy into societal messages, some of which are destructive. I bought into that and what happened is that my self concept ended up being wrapped up with having a relationship and intimacy, made all the worse because I was probably incapable of either at the time. We have enough problems without beating ourselves up over an ideal that we could not have met.

Nice that you are taking a course. I hope it will come in handy. I would work several times a year in Heredia, Costa Rica. My colleagues spent time with me, even on conference calls, teaching me Spanish, and even took me to clubs to teach me salsa. I enjoyed that country, and knew I was making progress with the language when I could understand the lyrics of Vasos Vacios by Los Fabulosos Cadillacs.

 

[Markness]

I don't believe you have to make yourself any particular way to date people. In my opinion, that's archaic, insulting advice.

I totally agree. I see couples from all walks of life and my mother trying to mold me into a yuppie because it was “normal” did jack squat in regards to romance.

 

[Markness]

An appropriate response! Don't worry, you two will find time to chat more.

She later told me her girlfriend left her for another girl and she tried to overdose on her meds. Her mother must’ve found her (She lives with her) because she said she woke up in a hospital room. She’s currently in a psych ward and we keep in contact.