Spectrum relationship

[Law]

Me 37m ADHD (I think, but could just be an aspie for all I know), her 31F Aspie. I also have dyslexia so please excuse my writing style.

So, I tend to act more like the typical male with ASD, logical, emotionless with difficulties communicating however I feel that I have obtained these traits from my parents. They never expressed emotions. But yet, I feel them, and express them in private but subconsciously supress them in front of others. Because it was drilled into me as a youngling to not show emotion shows strength. So I don’t know exactly where I fall on the scale. I tend to over analyse situations and peoples motives and psychology. Not to mention constantly struggle with mortality and the meaning of it all. Anyway that’s my introduction. I do seem to fit some of the Aspie profiles though, don't like excessive chewing sounds and I'm very blunt and truthful most of the time. I just say it how I think it is without considering the other persons feelings. I'm also impatient and don't like long conversations, prefer to get to the point then move on. Does this sound aspie to you? Anyway, my partner has been diagnosed aspie.

Her introduction: Aspie. Her traits include an apparent lack of understanding of social etiquettes. She spends most her waking hours on her phone, doesn’t understand how it could be perceived as rude, she doesn’t understand human psychology or gestures, she masks in public, she can’t talk to strangers, she goes silent, looks uncomfortable and tries to stop me interacting with them to avoid attention being drawn to us.When I bring up her excessive phone usage she reacts with hostility.

Here is the problem. We are both on the spectrum but we do not complement each other. We are like trying to fit a square through a triangle hole. Just doesn’t fit. I love to cuddle, to feel closeness to my partner, she does not like touch and doesn’t even occur to her that I might need it. It bothers me that she doesnt want to touch me. She also doesn’t seem to understand that spending all her time on her phone is neglectful in my eyes, and she with holds information from me because she says “I don’t need to know”. Here’s an example, she’s going out somewhere, I ask where, because you know, we are meant to be partners, and I get “she doesn’t have to tell me”. Well no you don’t but then again, it is social etiquette to do so. It’s not like I’m going to stop her going wherever she wants to go, that’s just an example.

We get into silly arguments all the time. Almost daily. I think today was about me telling her I’m only booking 3 weeks annual leave instead of all of it due to wanting to help my workplace out in this busy period (NHS). She argued that I am owed the leave and should take it and am stupid for not doing so. Again she seems to be missing the point. I want to help my team. Also I explained to her that by apearing to sacrifice something for my team I will be held in a higher regard in their eyes. (They have alowed me to work from home but only I got that privilige in my whole department because of the work ethic I demonstrate and I want to give something back and try to improve my image with those that might be jealous of my special treatment and to make my eventual return to work easier) but she just keeps telling me I'm an idiot for doing so and that it doen't matter what my team thinks of me. Of course it matters!! It does baffle me and always takes me by surprise how she reacts to situations.

Here’s my dilemma, I feel lonely, I feel like I’m facing the world alone. She can’t understand the things I can, she just argues her point over and over and over until I get frustrated at the repetition and futility of the argument with no one making any headway. I eventually snap and try to end the argument. I’ve never had such a stressful relationship in all my life.

So back to my autistic traits. Love. I am not convinced I know what it is or whether I have ever felt it. I never seem to look forward to seeing her, or anyone in my life for that matter. Very strange really. I feel I just placate my friends by communicating with them occasionally to keep the friendship going. Bit like how my partner placates me with sex once a week when I know she's not bothered about it either way. It is completely plausible I do not fulfil her love language needs. However it is hard to know what they are when she doesn’t communicate them. Everything is always “fine” if you ask her. She tries to deny we argue, and denies we have issues. I on the other hand frequently bring things up in the hope we can talk it out and come to some understanding that will make both our futures better. These discussions never go well. Ending in an argument as usual. One classic trait that I express is that I say things with good intentions but they get interpreted as malicious or I’m saying things to hurt her. I’m literally only speak the facts as I perceive them with no emotions or intentions other than to increase understanding.

My question is, is it all worth it? I read so many stories of the divide and loneliness just getting worse with time. Stress is a major cause of ill health and we only have a short time on this planet. Is it worth shortening this time? Not to mention how the kids would turn out should we have them. I doubt we would stop arguing after having kids.

Then the other question is, if we are both on the spectrum, are all our relationships doomed? I think if we can each find someone with a compatible love language then surely the loneliness will be abated. She is so content here though, with me, somehow the arguing every day does not faze her. I would hate to put her though the stress of a break up. Especially for nothing if we will just have the same problems with the next person. I don’t think it’s a coincidence we both have dated people on the spectrum all our lives. Her ex has ADHD and my ex I have just recently found out has autism too.

My partner is now training to be a councillor and has full self awareness of her autistic traits however, she can’t see what she can’t fathom. If you know what I mean. I think I don't react the way she expects and visa versa. Just simple incompatibility. But are autistic people ever compatible? So is this the best we can do?

Any advice at all would be nice.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I've been married for over 33 years,...and I have been working with a predominately female nursing staff on a very busy neonatal unit. I am always the listening post for frustrated female co-workers. "As a guy, I would like your perspective on,..." Well, I am not neurotypical, so my perspective is likely going to be different,...so take this with a large grain of salt. What I do know,...a marriage should NOT be stressful,...it should be easy. This other person is your life partner. When you are old, fat, and ugly down the road,...you still have to be, at the very least, best friends through the best and worst of time. I like to say between the two of us, we make one good person. Your differences should be an asset to the team,...not seen as a point of contention and arguments. People often say, "Well, you have to work at a marriage." If that means one or the other loosing their identity, being bullied, mentally abused, distrusted, being controlled, fight and make up cycles, anxiety filled,...or worse,...NO. If it means being a good communicator, allowing the other person to be themselves, and trusting each other,...YES. The true test is honestly asking yourself, "Is the other person happy?" "Do you love them enough to let them walk out the door?" I've told my wife, the door is always open. Sure, I would be sad if she left me, but I am not going to be that manipulative, controlling, insecure person that slowly destroys the other person over years,..."death by a thousand cuts",....just to keep her around because I am so weak I can't take rejection. Life is too short to be unhappy with someone. An expression that comes to mind,...a fisherman catches a fish that is way too big to haul in,...hours of fighting,...the line being taken too far out,...at what point do you cut the line and say "To heck with it?"

 

[OkRad]

You asked for advice, so I hope you are not offended by some Aspie bluntness......

I see no hope between the two of you. Your intro of her was quite disparaging. You seem to see almost nothing good in her and want to be with her only so you are not alone.

Let her read what you wrote of her and if she still wants to be with you then you might have a chance. However, I think she might be rather appalled.

No, you do not love her. You just don't want to be alone. Leave her in peace.

If she is autistic she is very sensitive. You stated she does not know what she cannot fathom. But clearly you cannot fathom her anymore than she can fathom you and you have reduced her behaviour to mere simplicities.

You are unhappy with her. Let her be.

You both can find partners who love. Yes, there are many autistic marriages that are based in depth and love. You both can find that, but I would wager not with one another.

 

[Law]

I value all advice especially the blunt ones. It really helps to see a situation from outsiders point of view, also to anylise me too. I do fail in that department, I spend so much energy trying to anylise others I am not able to see myself. I do not know what I do not know, and I'm acutely aware of that So, partnerships should feel natual and not forced, and I am my own worst enemy in this situation. You are all right, I focus too much on the differences and not enough on what's right. But she it seems has accepted me as I am but I can't accept her. Is that something I should work on or should we part ways and each find a shoe that fits better? Why do I cling on? Is it as you said a fear of being alone? Or is it more? I am pretty confident I wouldn't be alone long, so am I just afraid of the upset and massive change? It's so difficult knowing your own feelings!!!

 

[Law]

I wish I knew what love was, that would make things so much easier. But its not clearly defined by a set of rules / symptoms. How do you know if you love someone if you are on the spectrum? Some people say you just know. But if you've never knowingly experienced it, how can you just know :/ The break up with my ex put me in 6 months of depression. Was that love? even though I would have descibed her just the same as I do with my current partner, only focussing on the negatives and not the positives, always trying to make my future better and always getting frustrated with the slow progress. But there is a key, I mention my future and not "our" future. As if I see her as a temp entity in my life. Perhaps that was caused by the break up trauma, convincing me that partners are temp and not for life. Perhaps, I need therapy to get to the root. So, do I try to change, do I try to change her or do we both go our separate ways and hope to find someone we dont need to change for?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Wasn't there a #1 hit song in the mid-80's from the band Foreigner, "I Want to Know What Love Is"? Point being, that many people do not know what love is. It is nebulous feeling, that in my opinion, may not be the same for everyone. I think there is, for many, an initial sense of euphoria due to the release of oxytocin and vasopressin,...then it fades away. That is NOT love. It is, for many, the initial "glue" that gets two people together as a couple, but afterwards, the relationship has to take on a new level of connection. My autism does not allow for this oxytocin and vasopressin release,...at least not enough for the emotional bonding that most people experience between a parent and child, a brother and sister, a husband and wife, etc. For me, it is "out of sight, out of mind". I do not miss people. However, I still have a sense that I love my wife dearly after some 35 years together. I don't know how to describe love. Never will, I suppose. I do know that I have enough concern for her, as a person, that I am willing to sacrifice my happiness in order for her to leave, move on, and be happy. With that, comes some sense of freedom and liberation from worrying, anxiety, toxic controlling behaviors, and so on. We can look at other people,...we are human. Frankly, at our age, it becomes humorous,...and not something to fight about out of some sense of insecurity. Someone once said, "There is no such thing as an unhappy divorce,...only unhappy marriages." Sure, splitting up may, for some, be a process of anger, rejection, crying, etc,...but staying and lingering in a mentally unhealthy situation would have been far worse.

 

[Thinx]

Well, you are 38, so have around half the life experience you will get. My experience is that I have known when I love someone, and there were only 3, 2 of whom didn't love me unfortunately. That doesn't mean you can't have an interesting and ok relationship though, and some people don't prioritise love.

You don't sound like you are in love, but there's no guarantee that if and when you are, the person will love you. I would suggest doing some self development just because I always think that's a good way forward if someone is perplexed about themselves or their relationships. Join a therapy group, buy some good books, join a psychology course or, as your partner has, a counselling training. I did lots of all that stuff, it helped plenty.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

- train your tactile senses to slightly lower levels of tactile (stimulate your imagination with sciences that you were told to give up when young)
- I have read about couples who wait till after to be told the report of where someone has been.

Etiquette isn't supposed to be rigid. Invent a new sort between the two of you. I'm a bachelor so that's my bit of bachelor philosophy.

 

[Suzanne]

Since you are not married to each other, please separate and I say this, because I am married for close to 30 years to a nt and it is highly stressful for us both. I concede to that point, that it is hard for each other, because we clash on so many levels, but divorce is out of the picture, so we try every day, to find something about each other, that we can get on with. Sound absolutely horrible and not how marriage should be, but really, thanks to my faith, it is ok and we cope.

There is something interesting to ponder on, that is not talked about from neurotypical point of view and that is being on the spectrum, we are not static; so we can learn and adapt to a situation, whereas classic autism, one cannot change. That is how they are.

It took me some years to appreciate that when my husband comes home from work, he would like to have his wife welcome him. I would be having my music plugged in and just ignore him or say a very sweeping hello. I learned by example. When I came home on a rare trip away from the house and he was there and he ignored me, it hurt, so it was: ahh, ok, and I worked on meeting him.

I hate cuddling too and do not like flesh touching, which is a bane for my husband as he is a very touchy feely person. At times when he complained, I tried very hard to comply, but in truth, it doesn't last that long.

For sure, our childhoods shape us, but when you look into your childhood, aside from how you were trained, do you recognise personality traits?

 

[Tom]

Thrust her phone with your bare hand into a live bug zapper while you shriek 'I send you back to the abyss you electronic spawn of hell!'.

If she stays with you after that, I'd say you have a keeper and become her slave for eternity or until death, whichever comes first.

And quit nagging.

 

[dhl02]

I have only had one serious relationship in my life.
Would I say I actually loved my ex? Yeah, I would. Would I say she loved me? Probably. When I broke up with her I could hear the broken heart in her voice. I'll never forget that. Unfortunately, I felt like I had to be a jerk about the breakup to help her move on, which was a big mistake.

The unfortunate thing is that I was unhappy in the relationship. As much as we loved each other, there were some lifestyle things that were non-negotiable on her end that would result in me never being truly happy. When I came to that realization, it wasn't fair to her to continue the relationship, even though she was pretty happy with it.

My only regret is that I was a complete jerk about how I broke up. The breakup needed to happen though. There were a lot of ways we were compatible, but in the end, there were too many ways in which we were incompatible that prevented things from continuing.

I have not had a relationship since and while I miss having a gf a lot, being single is much more acceptable than being stuck in a failing relationship.

 

[Mulder]

Hi Law, interesting topic.
Can you think of any positive sides in your relationship, besides being together?