Special Interests (Love In Particular)

[Beachbunn]

I am a NT who dated an aspie for several years. The relationship ended suddenly and with no explanation. This question is for those of you who have had a "love interest" as one of your special interests. (I don't mean having a crush on someone..I am interested in those of you who actually dated your love interest.) How long was this interest able to really capture your attention before it got old/boring (6 months, a year, still together)? And if you ended the relationship, was there something in particular that happened to make you lose interest (i.e. another hobby, a new love interest)? Thanks for your responses and I am sure I will have more questions based on your responses!​

 

[tree]

Can you define "love interest"?

Does having a "love interest" differ from having a relationship
with a person you love?

It doesn't sound the same to me, because if a person
loves, it doesn't get "old/boring" over time.

 

[Bolletje]

I've had a few long term relationships, have been in my current relationship for four years. I'm not sure if you intended to make it sound that way, but I got the impression that you feel like people on the spectrum approach their love interest as they would a hobby. I can only speak for myself, but that's not at all the case. I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful, but it kind of is, to me.

I'm not with my partner because he's a project, I'm with my partner because I love him dearly and I want to build a future together. Our arguments are the usual fights one sees in a long term relationship. The reasons I ended my previous relationships were pretty standard as well. Basic incompatibility, infidelity, or growing apart.

The reasons I date people are pretty usual too. I don't just discard someone when I see another shiny thing. My brain might be wired differently but that doesn't mean I don't understand the concept of basic human decency. People on the spectrum aren't aliens. Most of us want love, a sense of connection and affection too. We might show it differently, but that doesn't make it less true.

 

[Beachbunn]

Can you define "love interest"?

Does having a "love interest" differ from having a relationship
with a person you love?

It doesn't sound the same to me, because if a person
loves, it doesn't get "old/boring" over time.

I was afraid my question may be confusing. Love interest would be someone you meet and become interested in romantically. You date....go out to dinner, movies....the relationship may or may not become sexual. According to what I have read, aspies usually have special interests that they devote a lot of time to - and some of the special interests change rapidly. I guess my question is regarding being in a relationship with someone who you are just crazy about in the beginning....does this feeling go away quickly...or is it short-lived? And if it did go away quickly, what caused that? A new special interest or did you just find that you were no longer "connected" to this person?

 

[Beachbunn]

I've had a few long term relationships, have been in my current relationship for four years. I'm not sure if you intended to make it sound that way, but I got the impression that you feel like people on the spectrum approach their love interest as they would a hobby. I can only speak for myself, but that's not at all the case. I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful, but it kind of is, to me.

I'm not with my partner because he's a project, I'm with my partner because I love him dearly and I want to build a future together. Our arguments are the usual fights one sees in a long term relationship. The reasons I ended my previous relationships were pretty standard as well. Basic incompatibility, infidelity, or growing apart.

The reasons I date people are pretty usual too. I don't just discard someone when I see another shiny thing. My brain might be wired differently but that doesn't mean I don't understand the concept of basic human decency. People on the spectrum aren't aliens. Most of us want love, a sense of connection and affection too. We might show it differently, but that doesn't make it less true.

Thanks for your response. I did not intend to come across as hurtful - I am in the learning stages about aspie traits so I apologize if I offended. See my response to tree...maybe that will clarify my question.

 

[tree]

So, you're asking whether people on the spectrum sometimes
become infatuated? I would say they do.

 

[Bolletje]

Thanks for your response. I did not intend to come across as hurtful - I am in the learning stages about aspie traits so I apologize if I offended. See my response to tree...maybe that will clarify my question.

No need to apologize, you didn't mean to offend. We're all trying to help each other out here after all.

I do find that I experience the typical rapid shift in interests when it comes to friends. It's not that I ditch people, but I tend to "fall in friendship" with new people. What follows is a period of intense contact, until I reach a threshold. Let's call it satiety. My need for contact with that person has been satisfied and I desire to be left alone during a refractory period. I can't predict when this happens. It's hard for my friends to cope with the fact that being my friend can mean hanging out all day every day, but it can also mean not hearing from me for weeks or months.

However, this is not the case when it comes to relationships, for me. I only date people I literally cannot get enough of. If I do decide to end things prematurely, it's usually because the person I'm dating turns out not to be as advertised Either that, or we turn out to be incompatible. I don't "do" dating in the typical sense of gradually getting to know each other over dinner and a movie. My process usually involves a bottle of vodka, brutal honesty and full frontal nudity. Afterwards we either part ways, or we stay together for a long time. It's not particularly elegant, but it works for me

 

[Beachbunn]

No need to apologize, you didn't mean to offend. We're all trying to help each other out here after all.

I do find that I experience the typical rapid shift in interests when it comes to friends. It's not that I ditch people, but I tend to "fall in friendship" with new people. What follows is a period of intense contact, until I reach a threshold. Let's call it satiety. My need for contact with that person has been satisfied and I desire to be left alone during a refractory period. I can't predict when this happens. It's hard for my friends to cope with the fact that being my friend can mean hanging out all day every day, but it can also mean not hearing from me for weeks or months.

However, this is not the case when it comes to relationships, for me. I only date people I literally cannot get enough of. If I do decide to end things prematurely, it's usually because the person I'm dating turns out not to be as advertised Either that, or we turn out to be incompatible. I don't "do" dating in the typical sense of gradually getting to know each other over dinner and a movie. My process usually involves a bottle of vodka, brutal honesty and full frontal nudity. Afterwards we either part ways, or we stay together for a long time. It's not particularly elegant, but it works for me

Your response was really helpful. And like I said previously, I knew I would have more questions! When you have ended romantic relationships (not due to infidelity but maybe other reasons), did you discuss it with the person or did you just stop communicating with them with no explanation?

 

[mw2530]

I'm not sure. I've never experienced being in love or having a special "love interest" (with a person). I suppose I could see someone with aspergers having a special interest in another person. But if it was a special interest vs. truly loving the person, I have a hard time believing it would last several years as in your case. Hard so say for sure w/out all the facts of the situation.

 

[Bolletje]

Your response was really helpful. And like I said previously, I knew I would have more questions! When you have ended romantic relationships (not due to infidelity but maybe other reasons), did you discuss it with the person or did you just stop communicating with them with no explanation?

I've always informed the person that I was breaking up with them and why. Not that simply disappearing wasn't tempting. I know how painful it is when someone just disappears without an explanation, so I try not to inflict that pain on others. Breakups are never fun, but I believe honest communication is usually preferable to silence when it comes to breaking up.

 

[xudo]

I've only ever had one relationship. We met on MySpace in late 2005, got together in August 2006 and we've now been together for 11 years in August, married for 6.

Neither of us knew when we met that we were both on the spectrum (husband has atypical autism, I have Asperger's). I've had crushes before we met, and that sort of teenage infatuation when in high school, but never any relationships until this one. I suppose being in a relationship could potentially be a special interest for some people on the spectrum, but I find it unlikely - mainly because so many of us have a lot of trouble with relationships. NT/spectrum relationships seemingly fail most of the time because each party has very different expectations of being in a relationship, and often the person on the spectrum doesn't know/can't cope with the expectations of the other party. That's not to say that it can never work out though.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I can't speak for relationships as I have never been in one but I would say that my crushes are sort of an infatuation, yes. If that is what you meant.
However I wouldn't say that relationships for Aspies and people on the spectrum are similar to special interests or hobbies, we are capable of loving people just like anyone else is and we do not see our love interest as an object or a toy/hobby. I can't speak for everyone though I don't think most Aspies would just simply drop their love interest if someone more "interesting" came along or they became bored.
I think that having a special interest in a particular person vs. being romantically interested in a person are two separate things.

 

[Keigan]

Yes and no.

Speaking from my own behavior and experiences with NT women. I am recently self-diagnosed with AS and Alexithymic, meaning that I have some emotions but not the words to describe my emotions.

Someone exiting stage left from a relationship is either overwhelmed emotionally, can't process their own emotions, can't process your emotions,, or they can't express the emotions they are feeling, or possibly their understanding of love is based more upon actions than a feeling.

Let me explain that last one, their understanding of love is based more upon actions than a feeling.... Many aspies mimic learned behavior in order to bridge their gaps and fit in, it is a coping mechanism. So if I watch a Cary Grant movie I can easily mimic the romantic side of Cart Grant, though it takes a tremendous investment of energy to do so. Putting forth that amount of energy is what we learn to do, it gets us through things, though in romance that coping does not leave a warm and fuzzy connection with our partners.


Often we express out love differently, more through actions than words.

Was there an event or a situation where the aspie was questioned about his offering of love?

 

[Keigan]

Also I don't see Love as a special interest, that sound like a psychopath.

Certainly connecting with others is a passion though not for gain or sport or hobbie.

 

[Momo]

I haven't had any true love interests, but I wouldn't consider them too be that different form an NT's relationship. Though I myself find it very hard to connect with other people and stay close, once I have found someone who, perhaps the right wording is, is on my frequency, then I will usually be very loyal, not the type to give up or get bored easily. But even so, an aspie may not project their love the same way, I know that when I do love people I still don't get very close. Physically I'm not always there, I don't spend all day texting and talking to someone I love, and don't want to, but I do get very attached, maybe not in a sexual way but I do care.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I've never been in a relationship before. I've never even gone on a date before. I've also never been in love before.

I have had some crushes here and there so I'd label those as infatuations. The crushes were definitely not special interests, but with my extremely obsessive personality I would tend to constantly talk about some of them to people - well, specifically the crushes from my non-shy phase (I've been shy up until my early 20's). I've never asked these crushes out, and for a long time I've never been interested in actually dating; I used to not even understand the true purpose of a date.

I do know that if I ever find that one special woman, I would treat her with the utmost respect and do my best to make her feel loved and respected. I would put her happiness above mine. I would actually apply these principles to any woman I might be in a relationship with (if that ever happens). I do however feel like I have no idea how to do that yet, so I'm actually learning how to do that right now by reading a book that my therapist recommended. It's called "What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships" by Maxine Aston. I'm taking my time reading it, underlining the most important aspects. He also told me that some of the content might apply to non-romantic relationships as well, such as friendships and workplace interactions.

 

[AshleyDS]

Not sure if I count my husband as a special interest - LOL!!

But I would say I am obsessed with him. He takes it in stride - I still have no idea what he sees in me as he is the nicest most loving and "normal" person I have ever met.

We have been together 8 years and it has never changed - I still am as in love and infatuated with him as I was 3 days into dating him.

I dated a lot of other guys before my husband, never over 6 months long though, and only 1 of them I actually think I loved. I have really high moral standards and a lot of intolerances for certain things - so the moment they did something I couldn't tolerate, I dumped them - things as innocuous as the way he squinted his eyes, all the way to bad things like kissing another girl when he was drunk. Maybe that's what happened, or maybe she is like everyone else in the world and fell out of love for various other reasons.

Regardless, it sucks; but does it really matter? If she doesn't love you, then she doesn't love you.

 

[SusanLR]

I've dated and by that I mean the gradually getting to know each other, going to movies, dinner, events, etc.
Most of those only lasted a few monts to a year. Twice I feel I have truly loved and no it doesn't get old or boring as time goes by. I would say Aspies are more true to the ones they love than NTs in general. They seem to have the wandering eye and difficulty being true to just one.
Once I make the connection of love and caring I have no fear it would not be forever for me. But, the relationships usually ended because they found someone else more attractive in some way and I ended up being told time changes everyone and what they saw in me changed to seeing something they liked better. The old grass is always greener attitude. Yes, the hurt really hurts and part of that is because it is so hard to find a new person I connect or bond with.

 

[Judge]

I wouldn't be focused on what might be considered as "old and boring" in such a relationship, but rather whether your partner got sufficient and routine "alone time" within the relationship.

From my own perspective, I'd say it might have been a critical consideration for the relationship to abruptly end without that necessary alone time. IMO while it's not at all personal, NT partners are prone to misinterpreting this which can further degrade such a mixed relationship.

Without sufficient alone time, remaining in a relationship becomes one long and painful slide into a private hell. Having utterly nothing to do with my NT partners.

 

[LogicalMind]

I dated one person...but I never felt love from an emotional point... it lasted 18 months... but my dedication to her was always there... I dont do relationships for emotions...because emotions are not permanent...but decisions to love someone are eternal and permanent... we think good about those we love, even if the infatuation is gone...and our dedication/ethics are able to continue the relationship...alas she was abusive and found me incompetent in ever manner lol XD