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SOS My ASD boyfriend won't propose

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Care Bear, Feb 17, 2018.

  1. Care Bear

    Care Bear New Member

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    Hello Everyone!
    I'm new to the forum and I'm desperately seeking advice. Im an educated, fun and happy, caring woman who would love to marry and start a family. Through internet dating I met a man who very obviously has ASD. I can see so many good qualities in him and we have now dated for 1.5 yrs. I'm over 4o and have no time to waste to start a family. He says he wants to marry me but needs more time to be sure. Is he wasting my time or is ASD his barrier? I would so appreciate your advice . Thanks a million :)
     
  2. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    I think you have your answer. He needs more time. Not because he's an Aspie, but because he said so. 1.5 years is not that long.
    Why not propose to him, if you're in that much of a hurry?
     
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  3. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    He's probably very anxious about "popping the question", as I'm sure you know it's very big commitment, which would be scary for an NT person never mind an Aspie.

    @Bolletje it's supposed to be traditional for the man to ask the woman.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2018
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  4. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I went through this. I won't tell you how many years I wasted......set a time limit in your mind and at the end of it, MOVE ON.
     
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  5. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    Sure it's tradition, I'm aware of that. It's just my opinion that if you feel that strongly about getting married and you're impatiently waiting for a proposal, there's nothing stopping you from being the one to pop the question.
    Although in this case, with the boyfriend having already stated not being ready to propose at this time, chances of succes are probably slim. Then again, so's the chance of a group of strangers on the internet somehow speeding up the proposal.
     
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  6. Sid Delicious

    Sid Delicious Balloon animal safety control

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    Does he know you want kids? Does he definitely want kids? Make sure you know the answer to both before wasting any more time.
     
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  7. Care Bear

    Care Bear New Member

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    Thankyou so much everyone for taking the time to reply, I'm truly grateful. He says he definitely wants marriage and children hower even though I love him to the moon and back, I have some doubts about his ability to follow through due to his restricted emotional capacity
     
  8. Utini

    Utini Member

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    Getting married is a big event, it was so scary for me. Have you talked to him about having a small wedding? The biggest scare for me was thinking about all of that attention. The wedding we had was alone with just our parents and siblings then we had a party later on for the rest of the family.

    Give him time to get comfortable around your family. It took me 3 years to feel comfortable enough. It's probably already a big step for him just talking about such commitments with you, it takes time. Could you wait at least another year? Have you talked to him about children and how you are worried that age will get in the way of that? Not sure about how your family would feel but would he be more comfortable with a child first?
     
  9. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear, even though your reasons of for wanting to be married etc, are normal reasons, for any human being; in fact, you really need to reorganise your reasons and this comes from someone who has been married for 27 year's this year! I am the aspie.

    Anyone who is eager for something to happen and it isn't happening, will meet all sorts of obstacles and the poor man is feeling pressured by you ( unless you are keeping quiet about what you want)?

    Any NT (neurotypical) person will tell you that marriage with an aspie is an uphill struggle, because aspies tend to "forget" to show emotion. It is not about not wanting to show emotion: it is a case of: mind is else where and so, the "mundane" aspects of "affection" tend to be swept aside.

    Personally, you are wiser to not go further with this guy, because if he agrees to marry you, it certainly will not be for love; it will be to appease the situation.

    I just sense the :confused: in this speed for unity.
     
  10. Southern Discomfort

    Southern Discomfort Smarter than the Average Bear V.I.P Member

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    Woman can do it too! #Feminism
     
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  11. tw3

    tw3 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    So important to have clarity, two way communication, and trust. Marriage is the blending together of two lives’ tendencies and histories. Having children should be the result of having a good relationship, not the cause of having a relationship. Getting to know someone deeply takes a long time of sharing.
    The two of you need to bare your souls to each other. Open up. Be transparent.
    I’ve been married for over 48 years. My wife is the NT whose prayer for years was that God would open up communication between us. She’s a strong dedicated tenacious person. At a certain point she told me point blank that we were either getting married or going our separate ways. About three weeks later I told her we were getting married. I don’t really know who asked who. I do know that I had to make a decision.
    Make sure you are marrying him because you want to spend the rest of your life with him, with or without children. If that’s it for you, tell him and ask him if he feels the same way about you. Any hesitation on his part is a “no.” Say good bye to him and move on with your life.
    If he says yes, set a date for the marriage ceremony. Tell him it’s time to s*#t or get off the pot. It worked on me, 50 years ago.
     
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  12. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

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    What is more important to you - being married whether it be him or someone else, or being with this man marriage or not?

    What I'm asking is if the idea of marriage is more important than whether you love someone.
     
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  13. savi83

    savi83 Well-Known Member

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    I don't understand the importance of marriage; you are together and happy.
    How would marriage change things, you'd still be together and happy?

    It's one of those social conventions I've never understood.
     
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  14. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

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    Me and my partner have been together for 11 years and have no intention of getting married. For us its unnecessary expense and extreme stress and pressure.
     
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  15. Care Bear

    Care Bear New Member

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    I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that complete strangers have been so kind to take the time to reply. Your objectivity in the situation is a huge blesssing for me. I have read and re read all your answers many times over and have benefited from them all. A genuine and sincere thankyou to each and everyone of u
     
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  16. savi83

    savi83 Well-Known Member

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    I totally agree. I've attended a few weddings and can't see the attraction. Wearing uncomfortable clothing, formalities, public speaking and cost.

    I know a couple that tookout a loan of £30,000 for their wedding. This could have been a huge chunk off the cost of a house. Why would you start a "new chapter" of your life together in debt for a day.
     
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  17. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I want the whole thing, marriage, at least 2 kids, the works! And I want my future wife to look like a real life version of either Betty Rubble, Wilma Flintstone or Marge Simpson (except not yellow skinned)
     
  18. Gr82bk8

    Gr82bk8 Active Member

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    If my family's experience is any indication, you don't need to worry about his restricted emotional capacity affecting his ability to follow through on having kids and being a great dad, so much as affecting your personal well-being...

    My dad is AS, yet he was able to be consistently emotionally open and affectionate with us kids in a way he never, ever was with my mother. This hurt her deeply and was very hard for her to watch and understand. Even though she was glad we had a loving father, she was still a woman who needed to feel emotionally engaged and connected with her partner, and it was very hard for her to not take it personally that her husband showered her children with the kind of love she craved, while remaining largely oblivious or unable to fulfill her own needs. I once asked him (as an adult) why he could be that way with children and animals but not my mom, and he said it's easier and just different to be fully engaged like that because they're innocent and helpless and can't fend for themselves, so his affectionate, caretaking instincts just naturally kick in.

    My bf is aspie and I have told him point blank I don't think kids are a good idea for us because he's similar to my dad re kids/animals and I know I wouldn't be able to handle what my mother experienced. His response? "That makes perfect sense, that would very likely be the case. I agree completely with your decision." Obviously no two aspies are alike so there's no guarantee things would be that way for you, but nonetheless-- I would strongly encourage you to really soul search about whether you can handle watching your man be everything to your kids you want him to be (but isn't) with you, and survive emotionally unscathed. Maybe you will decide you can, but either way it's something to seriously consider. Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
  19. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is old thread, but just in case. Rushing things with an Aspie = Large mistake.

    Childbearing past 40 has drawbacks and it increases every year. Do you have any pets?

    zzzz.jpg
     
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  20. VioletHaze_03

    VioletHaze_03 Nerdling (Fledgling nerd)

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    Are you really sure you need a wedding and all that? Honestly, it's really expensive and divorce rates are going way up. Maybe if it's too nerveracking for him you could try common law marriage. It's what my parents did and they've never even thought about splitting. Before that, my mom did marry someone and they quickly got divorced. If you really need the traditional marriage aspect, try a small "commitment party" or town hal celebration with a few family memebers and friends like a marriage but not so stressful. You could still get a pair of rings or whatever, but it doesn't need to be official or whatever. Weddings are crazy expensive, and all that debt and planning can break up a relationship if you're not careful. A commitment to each other is so much more important than the celebration around it. Focus on building that before you think about something like marriage. That's just my opinion, but i really don't think you need to cough up cash for fancy things just to acknowledge that you want to spend your life with someone. It can be really simple and quiet, and that might be what your partner needs. However, it's also important to get what both of you want out of a deal. Just my opinion.