Sorry if this is long, but I need to talk about this

[Reedstorm17]

I’ve been inactive for close to two years, but I’m here now because I need to talk about what happened to me this year with people who might understand.

Put in the simplest terms, I was pressured into a relationship by someone who did things that made me uncomfortable and then just as quickly forced me back out of the relationship.

Now, the longer story. (Warning: It’s really long.)

I started college last fall. I had recently gotten out of a relationship with my high school boyfriend because I knew long distance just wasn’t going to work for us. I was sad, but the transition to college helped distract me.

Within the first week, my roommate introduced me to a group of people I got along with pretty well. One of these people was Patrick (I’m using his real name because to hell with him).

A few weeks into the semester, the group of us were hanging out really late. I have this thing I call the “eleven o’clock threshold” when I’m with a large group of people. When it gets late, usually around 11, I start acting drunk. I’m sure it’s this way for a lot of people. Basically, my walls come down and I’m a lot more talkative.

So on this night, I ended up singing to myself. Someone in the group told me I sounded good and I should sing louder. So I did, and discovered that the acoustics in the room were pretty good. I was feeling kind of brave, so I shared one of my own songs. The song is called All I Do is Cause Pain and it’s about my struggles to connect with people the way they want me to. Everyone told me the song was really good. Patrick was laying on one of the other couches. He looked over at me and was like, "Reema, I just want to hug you.”

Then it got a little more serious and I told them about my autism. It didn’t turn into a big discussion, they were all mostly like, “Cool.”

I’m usually pretty open about my anxiety and depression, so I ended up sharing another song called Self-Defeating (the meaning is pretty self-explanatory). They were kind of shocked to hear something so dark from me, and I ended up showing them my scars (It had been close to 18 months at that point since I had stopped cutting).

This is where it starts getting weird. Patrick was now on the same couch as me. He moved over next to me so I barely had any room to myself and put his head on my shoulder. At first I just sat there and didn’t acknowledge it, and then I did by laughing and saying something like, “I’m only allowing this because it’s 1 in the morning.”

The others left. Looking back, I often wish they hadn’t, especially the ones who knew what they knew (I’ll get into that later). But I don’t blame them.

So then we were alone. And he kept touching me. His arms were around me now, and he started talking about how it really got to him when I showed them my scars. And that he wants to make sure I’m okay. And that he cares about me, and he’s here for me. All the while hugging me and holding my hands.

I was just sitting there, and kind of shrinking a bit. So many alarms were going off in my head, but I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to do. Was I okay with this? I didn’t know. It was too much at once and too late for me to think clearly. I was overstimulated, and when I’m overstimulated I either can’t speak or can’t say what I want to say. So I just kind of stared straight ahead and didn’t pull away. When I could speak, I assured him that I was doing better now.

He told me he loved me. I took a deep breath and said, “It’s a bit early for that, don’t you think?” And he was like, “I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry.”

We stayed there practically until 4 am. I was uncomfortable with the touching. But I was kind of enjoying the company. I felt like he could really see me. He could see that I wasn’t as okay as I said I was. I was lonelier than I wanted to admit.

So the alarms kind of died down, and I became a little more relaxed. And, well, I ended up impulsively kissing him. So we kind of made out for a few minutes, but nothing too intense. I kept my mouth closed and my hands relatively still. I should probably mention now that I’m asexual (I still have a romantic orientation but I’m not interested in sex), and that my friends knew, including Patrick.

The next day I was kind of freaking out and trying to process what happened. I wasn’t upset about it. But I knew it was too fast. I had only known Patrick for two weeks, and it really bothered me that I could connect more with someone I knew for a few weeks than someone I had known for a few years. I kind of wanted to see where this went, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. I wanted to trust him, but I didn’t. Not fully.

And then I was told a piece of information that REALLY twisted the plot. It was kind of pieced together by things I was told by different people, and it wasn’t all given to me that next day. But here’s the big picture:

Patrick came to college deciding that he really wanted a girlfriend. So he attempted to get with all the girls in this friend group. He wasn’t having much luck, and eventually worked his way around to me.

So then I was doubting if he meant anything he said to me that night. At this point, I really don’t think he did.

(Continued in next post)

 

[Reedstorm17]

I didn’t tell him what I knew, but I explained everything I did a few paragraphs ago about how I wanted to move forward. He basically agreed and even said some of it himself before I did. This built my trust a little more and made me feel like he really was being genuine, because he was taking my best interests into account and not immediately trying to ask me out.

Except… five days later we were hanging out pretty late again. I just wanted to build our friendship so then it could become something more, eventually. Yeah, I guess I was pretty naive. Somehow, his arm ended up around me again, and I froze up again, and started shaking really badly. I couldn’t tell him why I was shaking, and then we ended up face to face, and I knew what was going to happen and I didn’t want it to happen, but I didn’t know how to stop it. It was too awkward. But I attempted. I avoided eye contact. I said, “I’m scared.” He asked, “Why are you scared?” I couldn’t answer him. Then he said, “Who’s going to make the first move?” Still avoiding eye contact, I said, “I don’t know.” And then, “Not me.”

He kissed me. And I said, “That probably wasn’t a good idea.” And then he started apologizing. And at this point it had gone too far and I knew he wouldn’t wait and I didn’t want to lose him and I didn’t know how to stop it even if I wanted to. So I kissed him again. And from that point forward, it was a train that I couldn’t stop. The only choices were to jump off, or ride. And the risks of jumping were too high.

So we started meeting up at night and wandering around campus and talking and kissing. Practically every night, he asked me if we could be official now. I kept postponing it, getting more uncomfortable every time he asked. Then he changed his status on facebook. I gave in.

It started to get cold at night, so we started watching Stranger Things in his room instead. This provided more opportunities to be physical. He said to tell him if I was uncomfortable. And I often was, but I kept telling myself it was okay. It wasn’t sexual, so I should allow it, right? I tried to tell him sometimes when I was uncomfortable. After the first night in his room, I said, “That’s as far as I want to go.” And he agreed. But then he would continue to push my boundaries, just a little at a time, so I’d think, “Okay, it’s not that bad.” But it got out of hand. I never wanted him to hold me on his lap. I never wanted him to kiss my neck. I never wanted him on top of me. But I didn’t stop him the first time it happened, so what reason would I have to stop him ever? Did I ever say no? Was he even listening for it? Was I even able to speak? It’s unclear. And it shouldn’t be. Sometimes I tried to tell him nonverbally that I wasn’t okay. I’d stop kissing him back. I’d keep pulling my legs out from under him. But he’d ask me why I was uncomfortable since it wasn’t sexual, and I never had an answer. But if I explicitly told him to stop, he would. That’s how I managed to keep it from ever getting to second base. But there were still quite a few times he “accidentally” grabbed my ass. And when I called him out on it, he tried to justify it by saying he has “urges”. Dude. I don’t care. Control it.

There was one night where he opened his drawer and showed me that he had condoms. He said someone in his hall had given them to him “in case you and your girlfriend need them.” So to me he was like, “Ha ha, when am I ever going to use them, right? What am I even supposed to do with them?” I laughed extra loud because I was uncomfortable. I told him to just throw them out. He was like, “Yeah, but what if I need them?” The only reason he would need them is if he decided to cheat on me, or if he was somehow under the impression that I was going to change my mind. Which just wasn’t happening. He dropped the subject for a bit and we watched Stranger Things, and then we were just laying on the bed and we had what I thought was a serious moment, which he then decided to ruin by jokingly pulling a condom out of his wallet. I grabbed it from him and threw it across the room. Then he got up and was like, “Maybe I should open it and trick my roommate.” I was very against that and at this point was just facing the wall and wishing I could be anywhere else. Then he stopped joking around and admitted that he’s thought about having sex with me, which I kind of already figured was true. He’s not asexual. Of course he would have thoughts like that. So I said if he can accept that I’m asexual, then I can accept that he’s not, but I need him to understand that it’s never going to happen.

The next day, I texted him and told him that he was very out of line and that I consider what happened sexual harassment. He apologized immediately, said it wouldn’t happen again, said he’s not usually like that. Whatever. I forgave him under the condition that it wouldn’t happen again.

So… we finished Stranger Things. And two nights passed with us not meeting. I had gotten very used to this routine, so the gap in it spiked my anxiety. The whole thing about him asking all our friends out started to really mess with my head. I finally confronted him about it. He explained his way out of it. I confided in him that I had started to think about cutting myself again. He acted like he was there for me. What you would expect.

The next night, I was losing it, and he had been acting kind of distant and I didn’t feel like I could go to him. So I cut myself. 18 months, thrown away just like that. I was back at 0. And for what? I didn’t even know. I just felt so alone.

I told him about it. I needed to know he was there for me. He was very upset about it but continued to be distant. That weekend was fall break, and when we returned I went to his room, and he didn’t bring up what happened but I wanted to talk about it. It finally came up, and he told me he was having doubts about our relationship. That it was stressing me out and there was probably someone better out there for me. That he’s not my therapist and he doesn’t know how he can help me. I told him I don’t need him to make all my problems go away. I just need him to be here. He apologized and held me and told me I could come to him whenever I need him. But deep inside I knew I couldn’t. And he proved that in the next week by continuing to be distant and not reaching out to me unless I reached out to him first. I didn’t see him all week. At the end of the week, I had an even bigger breakdown. I was just laying on the floor of my dorm room, and I knew if I got up I was going to hurt myself. I just wanted him to hold me. I was nothing without his arms around me. So I texted him, practically begging for him to help me, and he tried to help but also told me to stop being so negative. I got up and I cut myself even deeper than I had the week before. I spent the rest of the night crying, and convincing myself based on his words that I was doing this to myself. Finally I texted him again and said, “I’ll listen now.” He was out with one of his friends, who was also my friend, but I had started to be excluded from things and I really didn’t understand why. When he got back to campus, I saw him briefly and he said he’s had enough of a break now.

Yet there was still silence the next night. And I knew the reason I was breaking down was because I had started to depend on him too much. I wanted to talk to him about it. So I convinced him to meet with me, and we made up. This was the night he tried to advance to second base. We were laying in his bed and he said my name, then struggled for a bit before finally asking, “Can I feel your chest?” I sighed and shook my head and then realized I needed to be verbal, so I said no. Then he asked if we’ll ever get to that point, and I again said no. I thought I had made that clear already. Why were we going over it again?

So we met up a few times that week. And as always, he was mostly in control. We had conflicting music tastes. I was always open to hearing what he listened to, but he always ignored mine. He told me I looked better with my hair down and convinced me to take it out of its braid when I was with him. He rolled me on my back and tried to get on top of me and started moving his lips more. He commented once, “Whenever we stop kissing you always have this dazed look on your face.” I think the reason for that was because I started to dissociate.


(Continued in next post)

 

[Reedstorm17]

The next week, he was back to acting like I didn’t exist. In the group chain, he had a lot of back and forth with this other girl who we’ll call L. This put me very on edge throughout the week.

On Halloween, he was watching horror movies, and I wanted to spend time with him so I agreed to watch Halloween with him. Yeah… did I mention I hate horror movies? But I managed. Also, before the movie we met up with L for a bit. Later, while we were watching the movie, Patrick kept saying things like, “I love you… but I like L more than you.” It wasn’t funny, but I just took it with a grimace. He said L wanted him to go to the Halloween party the next day, but he was worried she would try to make a move on him. He just wouldn’t shut up about her! Which like, okay. It’s okay if he has a crush on her. I had crushes on other guys. It’s easy to develop a crush. But I was loyal, and I certainly wouldn’t go on and on about any of them. So the next day I was really on edge. And I went to the party on the earlier end, but he wasn’t there yet and the people I was there with were mostly ignoring me and I felt really out of place and overstimulated. So I left. And then I went to my room and broke down and texted Patrick about how I felt like an outsider. And he reiterated that he’s not my therapist. Then I guess it all got to me and I expressed how I felt. That no one ever stays, that he’s going to leave me too. That my pain isn’t valid.

He made me come to his room so he could break up with me. He made me go to him, when I was having a nervous breakdown. But I just wanted to see him. So I went to his room. And he told me he was breaking up with me for my own good because the relationship wasn’t healthy anymore. I had a panic attack. Full on hyperventilating. This was the first time I had ever had a panic attack that bad. After the panic attack, I was just laying on the floor. I was exhausted. I had no energy to move. If I spoke, it was mostly muttered nonsense. While I was in this state, Patrick picked me up, put me on his bed, and kissed me. I didn’t move.

Yeah, we broke up. And we go to a small liberal arts college with about 2000 students, so running into him is inevitable. I was kind of in denial at first. I held firmly to the mindset that Patrick was right, that the relationship wasn’t healthy for me and I needed to strengthen my other relationships. And in a way I was free. But that feeling didn’t last long. I cried myself to sleep most nights because I was so lonely. I had become an outsider in the group. And to make it worse, Patrick asked me not to tell anyone we broke up, isolating me even more. He also continued to flirt with L in front of me. (As far as I know, nothing ever came of that, but it was very disrespectful.)

By the second semester, the group fell apart. Throughout winter break, I fell into an unhealthy habit of imagining really messed up scenarios in my head involving Patrick. Usually centered around harming myself. I knew by the end of the break that I would be okay if I stayed far away from him, but it would take a lot.

Within the first week, he was texting me again. First asking how my break was, and I mentioned that I was in a bit of a better place now. Two days later, he managed to get me to come to his room, saying he missed me and that he understands if I’m not ready, but he’s generally pretty lonely. I wanted to go somewhere more public but he was kind of like “Nah” and I was too weak to argue. So I went to his room and he was all like, “I made a terrible mistake. I should never have given you up.” And apparently he actually broke up with me because he felt like our friends didn’t approve of our relationship and he felt like he had to choose. Which is such crap. All of it was lies. He didn’t break up with me for me. He did it for himself. Because he’s selfish. And apparently has problems with apathy, which he told me trying to get some sort of pity.

So here I am in his tiny room, unsure how to process this, and he’s touching me again. Talking about how great everything was when we were together. Making me believe that maybe someday we can work things out. Making me fall for him again. I was able to get the point across that I needed time. That he needed to prove himself to me. But he wouldn’t stop touching me and I couldn’t think clearly. He asked if he could hold me on his lap. I shook my head and said he could hold my hand. And he’s holding me even tighter. Grabbing my hands and putting them on his face. And I can’t think. I finally say “I’m stronger than this.” He lets go of me and says I can leave if I want to. But I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of what will happen if I stay, and I’m afraid of what will happen if I go. Fight Flight or Freeze, and around him, it’s always Freeze. So I sat down and didn’t speak. And he came over and put me on his lap, even though I said earlier I didn’t want him to do that.

When I left, it seemed we were in agreement that we needed to start over and do things right. Form a good friendship first. He needed to prove himself to me and build my trust. Yeah. So I get back to my room, and he texts me and says he reconsidered and thinks we should just be friends because clearly I don’t need this anymore and it won’t be good for me and all that. So really nothing changed. And he just showed me one more time that he’s in control. At first I said it was okay, but over the next two days it really started to bother me and then I just snapped. I texted him and called him out on everything, because I finally understood just how much he had taken advantage of me. And he was all defensive, and kept refuting my points. He said nothing happened that was against my consent. But I don’t know if that’s true, and if I don’t know, how does he know? He said “Don’t go saying I harassed or assaulted you now, that’s a very serious accusation.” I tried to explain why I felt the way I did, and he said that that’s just stupid thinking. Then he decided to block me so I would be tempted to text him again. Yeah, right. He just didn’t want to hear what I had to say. Because he knows he's in the wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't be so defensive.

Thanks to quarantine, I haven’t had to see him in a while. But we were in this club at school where we just play board games. The club is great when he’s not there. And it’s one of my only chances to socialize.

Anyway, here’s where I am now. I often wake up in the middle of the night mid-panic attack. I have nightmares. I’m in my bed and there’s someone holding me down and trying to whisper something in my ear, or I’m getting dragged by the foot, and I try to scream or even speak but I can’t, or sometimes I just manage to whisper help. And I wake up, but for a few seconds I feel like I’m suffocating. Even when it’s not the nightmares, Patrick haunts my dreams. And when I wake up, I don’t have the reassurance that it’s just a dream, because they’re not dreams. They’re memories. I relive specific memories in my dreams, specific elements, and another common theme is being touched without my consent, whether it’s by Patrick or some random nameless person. I’m on a medication to help me sleep, but it’s still happening.

People wonder why I can’t just get over it. It’s been more than 6 months since the breakup, and the relationship itself only lasted about 6 weeks. The whole thing just bothers me. I feel like I’ve lost every part of myself that mattered. I’ve become a worse person. I’m angry. I let the anger continue to create those messed up scenarios in my head, whether it’s about hurting him or hurting myself. I should let go of the anger, but if I let go of the anger I’ll just be an empty shell.

I know what happened to me wasn’t my fault. It was his. He’s a terrible person. So why am I the one who has to suffer? I want him to see the consequences of his actions. But he won’t care. And nothing will ever make it okay. I don’t know if I’ll be okay again, because I’ll have what happened to me hanging over my head. Was it sexual assault if it wasn’t sexual? The question shouldn’t even be whether or not it was sexual. The question should be whether or not I was comfortable. And I wasn’t. I didn’t even consent to the relationship. The consent I gave was pressured. He emotionally manipulated me. I hate that he took advantage of me, and I knew it was happening all along, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I want him to face consequences for his actions, but what can I even do?

What should I do next semester? Like I said, we go to a small college, so running into him is inevitable. I’ve thought about quitting the club, but I shouldn’t let him control my life like that and make me stop doing something I enjoy. But regardless, I’m going to see him around. I don’t think he’ll try to get into my life again, but it doesn’t even matter, because just seeing him around is going to trigger me. Even the thought of seeing him around triggers me. Any advice for next semester? And how do I open up to people about what happened to me without sounding like I’m playing the victim and I'm just bitter about the breakup?


Please help me.

 

[Reedstorm17]

Sorry, I didn't mean to get carried away with the profanity :/ I'll be more careful.

 

[tree]

I don't get why you're saying it wasn't sexual.
There wasn't a rape, true.

But the guy wasn't helping you do homework, or offering you
a piece of toast, or sanding some furniture. He was touching
you and kissing you and making "jokes" about whether he needed
condoms when he's with you.

Those things sound sexual, to me.

 

[Kalinychta]

The reason he spent time with you was to try to get you to let him have sex with you. Nothing more. I use “let him” deliberately, because he clearly didn’t care—from the first moment to the last—that you didn’t want to. He pawed at and touched you on the couch when you first met despite that you were so clearly uncomfortable. And he continued to do it throughout your involvement despite repeated no’s from you. He may very well have decided to pursue you because of the songs you sang. Here is a vulnerable girl that I can manipulate into sex, is no doubt what crossed his mind. I consider him a soft-core predator. He had no respect for you or your body. He wanted sex. And he ditched out on you when he finally realized that you weren’t going to submit.

I think you must have tolerated him because you were lonely, right? You talk about cutting yourself. Are you seeing a counselor? I’m afraid that unless you begin to heal some of the pain inside of you, there will be many more Patricks in your life, especially at college.

I’m sorry for how violated you must feel. Seriously, what a lying sleazebag. It will be painful to see him at school for a while, but as your feelings cool, it will get better. Unfortunately you just have to wait it out. But I’d say, get yourself into therapy. You sound like such an intelligent young woman, and you deserve better than the nonsense you describe in this thread.

 

[menander]

Oh dear that hurt my head to try to keep up. It must have hurt you so much. I do hope you heal. I wish I had advise but I do not understand people and they don't understand me at all . But I am glad you found this a safe place to post.

 

[Pats]

This is a bewildering story. I do understand your discomfort and your discomfort may or may not have been visible to him (depending on if he cared about you or himself). What I don't really understand is why you kept going back to him and joining him in situations that you would be alone with him, knowing what he wanted. By going back it was seen by him as coming back for more, which to him was the same as saying, well I'm okay with what we did and that's why I'm here again and your no's became less and less meaningful. Don't get me wrong - I do totally understand and I know how difficult it is to get out of situations. I've said many times that teenage girls on the spectrum need more help and guidance in this area and to be taught how to not just say no but to physically stop things. I have a really hard time with this stuff happening all the time because we are so weak.

See, when I was 15 my mom decided I should start dating (I wasn't even interested). They chose who I could date and I felt pressured by my parents, brother and everyone to date him. He was all hands and today I would be able to charge him with date rape I guess. I said no but that's all I knew to do as he continued to do what he wanted. Cried, shaking, but didn't know how to fight. Nope, didn't tell anyone what was happening because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Ended up pregnant and my parents made me marry the guy. I didn't want to marry him but no one gave me any other options. So I was 16, married and pregnant because no one ever taught me to be assertive or how to take care of myself. I'm glad this didn't happen to you. But next time - don't return if they've made you uncomfortable the first time. I know - easier said than done. But take care of yourself first.

 

[Reedstorm17]

I don't get why you're saying it wasn't sexual.
There wasn't a rape, true.

But the guy wasn't helping you do homework, or offering you
a piece of toast, or sanding some furniture. He was touching
you and kissing you and making "jokes" about whether he needed
condoms when he's with you.

Those things sound sexual, to me.

You're right. If I was uncomfortable, then that's what important. It shouldn't be justified with "Well, at least he didn't rape me."

 

[Reedstorm17]

The reason he spent time with you was to try to get you to let him have sex with you. Nothing more. I use “let him” deliberately, because he clearly didn’t care—from the first moment to the last—that you didn’t want to. He pawed at and touched you on the couch when you first met despite that you were so clearly uncomfortable. And he continued to do it throughout your involvement despite repeated no’s from you. He may very well have decided to pursue you because of the songs you sang. Here is a vulnerable girl that I can manipulate into sex, is no doubt what crossed his mind. I consider him a soft-core predator. He had no respect for you or your body. He wanted sex. And he ditched out on you when he finally realized that you weren’t going to submit.

I think you must have tolerated him because you were lonely, right? You talk about cutting yourself. Are you seeing a counselor? I’m afraid that unless you begin to heal some of the pain inside of you, there will be many more Patricks in your life, especially at college.

I’m sorry for how violated you must feel. Seriously, what a lying sleazebag. It will be painful to see him at school for a while, but as your feelings cool, it will get better. Unfortunately you just have to wait it out. But I’d say, get yourself into therapy. You sound like such an intelligent young woman, and you deserve better than the nonsense you describe in this thread.

Thank you for your concern. I am in therapy. It's not always helpful, but it's never harmful, so I keep going. I'm back at 4 months now without cutting, and I took certain measures to prevent it from happening again (getting rid of sharp items).

 

[Reedstorm17]

Oh dear that hurt my head to try to keep up. It must have hurt you so much. I do hope you heal. I wish I had advise but I do not understand people and they don't understand me at all . But I am glad you found this a safe place to post.

Thank you. I've kind of been MIA for a while but I figured people here might understand why it was hard for me to speak up.

 

[Reedstorm17]

This is a bewildering story. I do understand your discomfort and your discomfort may or may not have been visible to him (depending on if he cared about you or himself). What I don't really understand is why you kept going back to him and joining him in situations that you would be alone with him, knowing what he wanted. By going back it was seen by him as coming back for more, which to him was the same as saying, well I'm okay with what we did and that's why I'm here again and your no's became less and less meaningful. Don't get me wrong - I do totally understand and I know how difficult it is to get out of situations. I've said many times that teenage girls on the spectrum need more help and guidance in this area and to be taught how to not just say no but to physically stop things. I have a really hard time with this stuff happening all the time because we are so weak.

See, when I was 15 my mom decided I should start dating (I wasn't even interested). They chose who I could date and I felt pressured by my parents, brother and everyone to date him. He was all hands and today I would be able to charge him with date rape I guess. I said no but that's all I knew to do as he continued to do what he wanted. Cried, shaking, but didn't know how to fight. Nope, didn't tell anyone what was happening because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Ended up pregnant and my parents made me marry the guy. I didn't want to marry him but no one gave me any other options. So I was 16, married and pregnant because no one ever taught me to be assertive or how to take care of myself. I'm glad this didn't happen to you. But next time - don't return if they've made you uncomfortable the first time. I know - easier said than done. But take care of yourself first.

Thank you. I think I kept going back because he gave off the illusion that he cared about me and he gave me a false sense of security. I knew from the start that he was no good, but he was so good at pretending not to be that I doubted my judgment. It was confusing. But I'm finally at a point that I know I would never go back to him even if he wanted me to. I've come to terms with the fact that he's not the person I thought he was in the good moments and he never will be.

I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. I can't imagine not having my family on my side with all of this. I hope everything turned out okay in the end.

 

[Pats]

Thank you. I think I kept going back because he gave off the illusion that he cared about me and he gave me a false sense of security. I knew from the start that he was no good, but he was so good at pretending not to be that I doubted my judgment. It was confusing. But I'm finally at a point that I know I would never go back to him even if he wanted me to. I've come to terms with the fact that he's not the person I thought he was in the good moments and he never will be.

I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. I can't imagine not having my family on my side with all of this. I hope everything turned out okay in the end.

Left him after five years of him running around with other women. Had some major problems with him after that, too. But now I'm 62 - 4 kids, 10 grandkids - all whom I'm proud of and have made my life worth everything, so I guess you can say it all turned out.

 

[menander]

Thank you. I think I kept going back because he gave off the illusion that he cared about me and he gave me a false sense of security. I knew from the start that he was no good, but he was so good at pretending not to be that I doubted my judgment. It was confusing. But I'm finally at a point that I know I would never go back to him even if he wanted me to. I've come to terms with the fact that he's not the person I thought he was in the good moments and he never will be.

I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. I can't imagine not having my family on my side with all of this. I hope everything turned out okay in the end.

It is understandable. I have become dependent on people, too. Often it's easy to do. If we don't have a lot of resources or had a rough time at home and lack the sense of security that some people just have by being born into it, we don't know what it feels like.

There have been times I thought it was real. Like if you were beat up a lot when little. Well, if you're 19 and someone just shakes you a lot or just degrades you all the time, you might think you died and went to Heaven. For me, I have DD and other issues, so I can't make sense of things like I could if I were not compromised.

I don't have ID so I know what is going on, but my brain cannot make connections so it's a torture to know I am hurting but can't connect anything. So a slap to the face is, "thank god it wasn't a punch. How blessed am I" and never ever realizing that people are not hit, first, and second, that no one who is NOT hitting people wants me because stable people don''t generally want train wrecks. Never seeing that .

THen one day after getting smashed, oh, now I see it. And where I was once a train wreck, now I am just a jummbled up mass of rubble. Good luck attracting anyone in that state of affairs........so alone I stand, a conductor looking at that mass that I did not even create, me and my rubble alone on a hill, far, far away from man, beast, or god.