Something put him in a bad mood at work, now he's mad because I didn't 'stage' the house properly

[PinkPenguin29]

So we approached summer and my husband is OCD'ing on keeping our house at a comfy temperature. He's been working on an 'ideal' schedule to keep the house cool. He's been in charge of this and hasn't exactly worked it out with me. Honestly, I think he's putting too much work into it.
Well he had to unfortunately go to work today on a Saturday, and that really stinks, but that's the way it goes sometimes. He didn't give me any specific instructions

Well I'm watching TV, doing laundry, and chilling with the dog, and the apparent 'audacity' to have the screen door open. I have several fans going and the house seems to be at a consistent 70 degrees, which is around the temperature the house is at when he goes through all his 'proper staging'

Well something at worked ticked him off, or the pure fact that he had to work today had him in a bad mood, but he comes in with his scolding tone, 'why is the back door open?' I'm mostly confused by this question, and he repeats it. to which I just shrug. Then he goes off on an angry tangent on how it's 80 degrees outside which means the 'stageing' of the house won't work because it's now going to be unbearably hot . Then does this 'pulls me into hug', about to explain how he is doing this for both of us B.S. when it's really one of his needs to be in control issues that he needs to work on. So I pull away, because I 'Hate' these hugs. Because they always come after something that feels really condescending. and tell him "I don't want to be hugged after being yelled at"
Which he pulled away with a "fine", and got out his laptop and continued to work.
Part of the problem I've let him hug me like this before, because I didn't know what else to do. The other part of the problem is he really is in a bad mood because of work but I don't think he know how to deal with that because Work is out of his control, but the temperature of the house is something he feels he can control. I also don't think I did anything wrong, but now he's gonna be even more moody. So best thing I guess is Space?

I don't want it to sound like he's a jerk, because most of the time he's not, and I too have my faults. We are both Somewhere along the spectrum and still working on the communication with other humans.

 

[Aspychata]

How about l like hugs when you are happy only.

Control is control, you must have known this at some point.

I don't get into control issues because then you feel better about yourself l feel. Closing the screen door wasn't that big of an issue for you was it ? If you are trying to sell a house, that is stressful, not sure why you can't try a little harder.

 

[PinkPenguin29]

How about l like hugs when you are happy only.

Control is control, you must have known this at some point.

I don't get into control issues because then you feel better about yourself l feel. Closing the screen door wasn't that big of an issue for you was it ? If you are trying to sell a house, that is stressful, not sure why you can't try a little harder.

I don't think my not closing a door is something that I should have been yelled at for. and why I can't try a little harder? what is that supposed to mean? am I lazy because I let fresh air in?

 

[VictorR]

Then does this 'pulls me into hug', about to explain how he is doing this for both of us B.S. when it's really one of his needs to be in control issues that he needs to work on. So I pull away, because I 'Hate' these hugs. Because they always come after something that feels really condescending. and tell him "I don't want to be hugged after being yelled at"

That sounds like sexual assault.

 

[PinkPenguin29]

Don't take it personally. Maybe it's been hot out, someone made him mad, and everything has been going wrong all day. He's just yelling at the wrong thing. Give him space to cool off. He'll probably apologize later.

Thank you, your right, although He'll probably feel bad, but in our 10 years he's only ever apologized to me twice

 

[PinkPenguin29]

That sounds like sexual assault.

It's really annoying and used usually as an "i'm right but I forgive you" thing. But it's not a sexual thing,
I think at worse it could be construed as Emotionally manipulative, but he sees it as a genuine affection gesture

 

[Judge]

One person having absolute control over the temperature of an immediate environment is probably not the best idea for a shared living space. LOL...it's no secret why modern automobiles allow for separate driver and passenger temperature controls.

Explain it to him, regardless of whatever is actually bothering him on a hot day.

 

[Aspychata]

I don't think my not closing a door is something that I should have been yelled at for. and why I can't try a little harder? what is that supposed to mean? am I lazy because I let fresh air in?

Sorry, l meant in regards to selling house. It's not nice he yelled at you. Is selling the house a stressor?

 

[PinkPenguin29]

Sorry, l meant in regards to selling house. It's not nice he yelled at you. Is selling the house a stressor?

ok, sorry misunderstood, and no, we are renting the house
we just moved in this year

 

[Aspychata]

I hate yelling, my father yelled a lot at my mom. Yelling really does nothing but split you up. Maybe advise that yelling is not the way to solve differences.

 

[GadAbout]

Thank you, your right, although He'll probably feel bad, but in our 10 years he's only ever apologized to me twice

For 22 years I was married to a man who got irrationally pissy about various things, including being overheated.

Then one day I told him, "I don't love you any more. I want a divorce."

Not giving any advice, just something for you to think about. I wish I had divorced him about 20 years sooner.

 

[Tom]

Things I would pass on to him if I knew him and he asked: Your relationship revolves around both of you as equals. Criticism, condensation, bossiness is toxic for relationships.

 

[PinkPenguin29]

So update, when I went downstairs again he apologized, he shouldn't of sounded so angry, and he had a lot of stressed put on him at work and so stuff came out wrong when he got home, and it shouldn't have. This was big progress for him, and we talked for a while about his stressors and healthier ways to deal. so it ended well.

He is on the spectrum and wants to work on his rougher edges,

 

[Mary Terry]

Does your house have central air conditioning and heat controlled with a thermostat? If so, can't he just set the thermostat to the temperature he wants or have a simple schedule like putting the thermostat at 78 degrees when he leaves the house for work and turning it down to 72 degrees when he returns home during the summer? In winter, he could set the thermostat at 72 degrees at night and turn it up to 75 degrees in the morning to warm the house?

Some thermostats let you input times of day and temperatures so you don't even have to think about it. That's what my husband and I finally agreed on. He likes the house too cold in summer and too hot in winter for me, so we had to work out a compromise.

 

[Tom]

I can definitely relate to his mindset, getting stressed out, the OCD and anxiety driven. It took a lot of work (counseling. therapy, medication, working on communication, and coming to grips with knowing when I was being unreasonable) but I did slowly turn it around. One useful thing is trying to replace negative behaviors with positive ones.

 

[Fino]

"Because I wanted it open." End of story.

 

[Mulder]

Glad it was reasonably resolved. Yes, it is a hot topic. I have a habit turning off lights at home's empty rooms left by other members. Close windows and remind others to close them when a/c is on. Yesterday I pointed out kitchen window was open again and a/c turned on. Better half and my self had a laugh.