Something bugging me... I hope others get this?

[Chance]

I always try and be honest as possible, but in truth I am diagnosed with mostly high functioning Autism and other stuff. I often just try and run under the radar with Asperger's, just because to tell someone I have Autism (and all the add ons) just makes me feel lesser of a human maybe? It makes me feel stupid, or weak, and I'm not.

Asperger's just sounds less harsh, less formal, less labeled. Yet, I sort of feel like a liar and that bothers me? When I am forced into discussing this in person (which makes me very uncomfortable) Do you think its okay to just say Asperger's... I have a reason for asking.

I have said Asperger's, and people just usually roll with it, and all is basically cool, but you say Autism and people often get cold, or awkward, or ask some really stupid questions that I don't want to deal with. Some have even made some reasonably ugly remarks and it sucks.

You can be honest with your answers... I asked for the honesty, so say what you think.

 

[Jimbo]

Most people probably won't know what aspergers is and will ask "what's that?" So you'll end up explaining it anyways. I rarely mention it to people unless they mention that someone in their family has it and I am able to offer words of advice. By being forced to talk about it what do you mean?

 

[Judge]

"Need-to-know" basis only. Don't tell unless you absolutely feel you have to.

Otherwise there's always a good possibility they won't understand no matter how you tell them, or the terminology you use to explain it.

 

[Chance]

Most people probably won't know what aspergers is and will ask "what's that?" So you'll end up explaining it anyways. I rarely mention it to people unless they mention that someone in their family has it and I am able to offer words of advice. By being forced to talk about it what do you mean?

After I was diagnosed I was forced to tell my employer. I was told because of my position in the company and because of our insurance I would need to disclose this. I did, and told the real truth, and all was okay, nothing changed. Somethings even improved because now they got why I would get exhausted and stuff.

Not long ago I was at a conference. I didn't want to go, but knew I had to go. I don't want to give anyone an excuse to think I cant do my job. I was with a guy I work with, and he's a great guy. I was exhausted. I was about to shut down. It was late. It was loud. It was just a roar and my ears were actually hurting. This guy who was talking with us, noticed me acting odd I guess. He made a remark that wasn't kind, he might have been joking at first I couldn't tell (I cant figure out strangers expressions or comments sometimes) ... and I just said I have Asperger's and my friend said, "Dude he has Autism." It all just hit me wrong, and then this guy said, "Wow, he doesn't look retarded..." It pissed me off, and in classic ASD style I'm still bothered by it, and I know I need to let it go, and I am trying.

My Buddy noticed it made things worse when he told the guy I had Autism. He was trying to defend me, but it basically backfired. He felt like dirt and I told him it was okay. He just told the truth, but it did make the whole thing worse.

I know people may not know what Asperger's is... but they sure have a view on what Autism is and I just... I just wish I had some way to explain that I'm not a freak when Im basically freaking out. Its just messed up.

I try not to ever bring it up. I don't want the attention at all, that is a big part of my problem. I don't even like talking about it with my family. Its something I feel very uncomfortable with... and today my cousin was here visiting and he brought it up. I didn't even know he knew, so someone told him, that angers me a little, but it is what it is. He asked me what all was wrong with me... and see that messes me up. Everyone sees me as this diseased being it seems... Or that is how I am perceiving it.

Its stupid to let this bug me, but it does. I just cant get comfortable with it sometimes. My being diagnosed was never something I was searching for. It happened nearly by accident after a bad trip to the ER, over a shut down and a bad panic attack, that led to a referral, because they saw me as very depressed. So, maybe that alone has me defensive. I was never wanting to become labeled, and now I am.

I guess in some weird way, it makes me feel stupid, yet it answered a mass of situations from my earliest memories as a kid. Maybe also I'm upset because no one cared enough to help me as a kid. They just called me stubborn and beat the crap out of me. Who knows it might have given me a whole different perspective, or it might have made it worse.

I just need to let it go and I will eventually... but I also need to be able to handle it when I do get in a bad position. I think I am more upset with myself than that guy who smarted off.

Most the time I'm mr. chipper, but when this stuff grinds on my mind, it messes with me and I don't like those days much.

This right here is why I like this site. I cant at least let it out, or try and help someone else. Its not like that out there in the NT world.

 

[Keigan]

People don't have an accurate understanding of autism so they are less than accepting, many do have some reference with aspergers.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Here's what I did when I've told certain people that I have it. I laid it out nice and gentle; I told them that my psychologist thinks I have Asperger's based on his observations and everything, and that in case they don't know what Asperger's is I told them that it's a form of high-functioning autism; I immediately went on to explain that it simply means that I have trouble regarding the social aspects of my life and that it's why I think the way I think - and that otherwise I can function without any disabilities; a "social liability", that's how my doc has been describing it lately.

The people I haven't told yet are the ones that I know would make a scene. The moment I'd mention the word "autism" in "high-functioning autism", those people would start going crazy - either getting too scared for me, or getting angry with my doc for "jumping to conclusions". He was not jumping to conclusions, he made an eventual diagnosis (not formally) after making a set of observations. Whenever I'm ready to tell people in this category, my plan is to also lay it out nice and gentle, and not be blunt. They have to know that I'm not disabled, and they already know about my social troubles and way of thinking; this would simply be an answer as to why I do what I do.

As for my employer, I haven't told him yet. It's not a requirement in my case. How will I be able to do it so that he doesn't think I'm making excuses? I've been known to screw up a bunch at work, and I'm known for not having common sense and overthinking all the time. Should I just let him know and then tell him immediately that I will continue to do my best, and that this is nothing more than an answer that I've been looking for because I've always known there was something "off" about me?

I love this site, and the people who use it! I can let it out as big and deep as I need and I too like helping people whenever I can, and give whatever advice I can. If the people truly care about you, they're not going to act cold or say ugly remarks. I told my few friends about it and they already knew what Asperger's was in general; at first they simply said things like "nah you don't have Asperger's", and that my doc is putting wrong ideas in my head - which made me think that they didn't know it in full detail. After I explained all the connections it has to the way I behave in great detail, they weren't denying it anymore but at the same time nothing has changed, no awkwardness or snide remarks or anything. Seems to me that they believe it now.

I yet have to tell those people who might make a scene, and for the record I don't really know a lot of people in real life so I can't be sure if there's anyone who would react the way you described some people reacted. If they end up reacting that way, I'm just not going to bother. That's not the type of reaction someone who cares about you would make. I'd let them go for being jerks, plain and simple, if they were supposedly your friends. A family member reacting that way would be terrible, and being "family" wouldn't make them any less of a jerk.

 

[Streetwise]

work on

After I was diagnosed I was forced to tell my employer. I was told because of my position in the company and because of our insurance I would need to disclose this. I did, and told the real truth, and all was okay, nothing changed. Somethings even improved because now they got why I would get exhausted and stuff.

Not long ago I was at a conference. I didn't want to go, but knew I had to go. I don't want to give anyone an excuse to think I cant do my job. I was with a guy I work with, and he's a great guy. I was exhausted. I was about to shut down. It was late. It was loud. It was just a roar and my ears were actually hurting. This guy who was talking with us, noticed me acting odd I guess. He made a remark that wasn't kind, he might have been joking at first I couldn't tell (I cant figure out strangers expressions or comments sometimes) ... and I just said I have Asperger's and my friend said, "Dude he has Autism." It all just hit me wrong, and then this guy said, "Wow, he doesn't look retarded..." It pissed me off, and in classic ASD style I'm still bothered by it, and I know I need to let it go, and I am trying.

My Buddy noticed it made things worse when he told the guy I had Autism. He was trying to defend me, but it basically backfired. He felt like dirt and I told him it was okay. He just told the truth, but it did make the whole thing worse.

I know people may not know what Asperger's is... but they sure have a view on what Autism is and I just... I just wish I had some way to explain that I'm not a freak when Im basically freaking out. Its just messed up.

I try not to ever bring it up. I don't want the attention at all, that is a big part of my problem. I don't even like talking about it with my family. Its something I feel very uncomfortable with... and today my cousin was here visiting and he brought it up. I didn't even know he knew, so someone told him, that angers me a little, but it is what it is. He asked me what all was wrong with me... and see that messes me up. Everyone sees me as this diseased being it seems... Or that is how I am perceiving it.

Its stupid to let this bug me, but it does. I just cant get comfortable with it sometimes. My being diagnosed was never something I was searching for. It happened nearly by accident after a bad trip to the ER, over a shut down and a bad panic attack, that led to a referral, because they saw me as very depressed. So, maybe that alone has me defensive. I was never wanting to become labeled, and now I am.

I guess in some weird way, it makes me feel stupid, yet it answered a mass of situations from my earliest memories as a kid. Maybe also I'm upset because no one cared enough to help me as a kid. They just called me stubborn and beat the crap out of me. Who knows it might have given me a whole different perspective, or it might have made it worse.

I just need to let it go and I will eventually... but I also need to be able to handle it when I do get in a bad position. I think I am more upset with myself than that guy !!!!who smarted off.

Most the time I'm mr. chipper, but when this stuff grinds on my mind, it messes with me and I don't like those days much.

This right here is why I like this site. I cant at least let it out, or try and help someone else. Its not like that out there in the NT world.

w o r k o n m i n d f u l n e s s

 

[Streetwise]

work on
w o r k o n m i n d f u l n e s s

tell people you have a medical condition and you have to rest! its the truth !!!!
just DONT tell them what it is, people DONT tell each other every intimate thought- you are not legally forced to its, not soviet Russia or a dictatorship ,you have privacy rights ,your doctor cant divulge your medical condition

 

[SusanLR]

Seems like every night before I come on here, there has been something the man I live with and myself were talking about and then it is on the forum. Tonight he said Goodnight and say Hi to your buddies in the group. He said he thinks it is great I have a place where I, along with others can get it all out and be open without feeling badly about talking about it. I told him yes, here, with others like myself, but, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable in real life talking about it unless it is with a psychologist who's heard it all anyway and listens because it's their job.

So, yeah, I'm having trouble accepting the diagnosis because the world does seem to make fun of autism.
Some people who know about Aspergers think that is a type of odd genius or something. Associates it with people like Einstein, Abe Lincoln, Bill Gates, etc. Most don't know what it is though, but, they have preformed ideas about autism. So I don't talk about it except to doctors, others with it or someone who is close to someone who needs answers and the man I live with because I couldn't keep the human mask on forever and he knew I was seeing therapists and sometimes do things he thinks is strange and gets angry. Now he understands more and doesn't hold it against me like he did when he just couldn't understand my ways at times.

 

[OlLiE]

you are who you are, irrespective of the label you accept, you act the way you act, you think the way think, you experience the way you experience, you are you, just live everyone else is everyone else

other people that interact with you and move on to be your friends accept the way you act, accept the way you think and accept the way you experience things, you would generally share interests which should reduce the unwanted exposure to those things that you really don't like and stress you

its the natural selection of finding friends and it is the same with everyone, i would be surprised if a quiet introvert has more or better friends than the average person high functioning person on the spectrum

so if you have friends it shouldn't really matter if you tell them your lable or not, however confiding personal info tends to strengthen bonds with friends
when having to socialise with my gf's friends (people that aren't my friends) then i usually just say that i have a permanent hearing condition that makes noise very uncomfortable to justify leaving earlier than everyone else,

so i don't shout my condition to the world, but let those people that are close to me know, my gf spends more time around me and sees more of my particularities as a result, so she needs to know just to give me the time to explain if i get overloaded and become difficult

 

[Streetwise]

try this retort (sarcasm) i bet your IQ is lower than a German shepherds !!!!
german shepherds have an IQ of 70 so they would be labeled retarded, i DONT agree they are very perceptive !!!!

I always try and be honest as possible, but in truth I am diagnosed with mostly high functioning Autism and other stuff. I often just try and run under the radar with Asperger's, just because to tell someone I have Autism (and all the add ons) just makes me feel lesser of a human maybe? It makes me feel stupid, or weak, and I'm not.

Asperger's just sounds less harsh, less formal, less labeled. Yet, I sort of feel like a liar and that bothers me? When I am forced into discussing this in person (which makes me very uncomfortable) Do you think its okay to just say Asperger's... I have a reason for asking.

I have said Asperger's, and people just usually roll with it, and all is basically cool, but you say Autism and people often get cold, or awkward, or ask some really stupid questions that I don't want to deal with. Some have even made some reasonably ugly remarks and it sucks.

You can be honest with your answers... I asked for the honesty, so say what you think.

 

[Gracey]

I always try and be honest as possible, but in truth I am diagnosed with mostly high functioning Autism and other stuff. I often just try and run under the radar with Asperger's, just because to tell someone I have Autism (and all the add ons) just makes me feel lesser of a human maybe? It makes me feel stupid, or weak, and I'm not.

Asperger's just sounds less harsh, less formal, less labeled. Yet, I sort of feel like a liar and that bothers me? When I am forced into discussing this in person (which makes me very uncomfortable) Do you think its okay to just say Asperger's... I have a reason for asking.

I have said Asperger's, and people just usually roll with it, and all is basically cool, but you say Autism and people often get cold, or awkward, or ask some really stupid questions that I don't want to deal with. Some have even made some reasonably ugly remarks and it sucks.

You can be honest with your answers... I asked for the honesty, so say what you think.

Thanks for bringing this up chance. You mentioned weakness. I view what you do as strength.
You're pretty much keeping up with everyone else despite having to work twice as hard at it sometimes and perhaps excelling in some areas. That's no mean feat.
That **** for brains that commented on looking retarded? I'd love to see him walk a mile in your shoes just to watch him fall at the first hurdle. It isn't a pleasant thought to have about another human being but satisfying all the same

I'm new to the idea of Autism and have only ever been witness to the mid/low functioning, The high functioning don't wear signs on their foreheads and are difficult to recognise. For me they don't standout. I have probably met hundreds in my life time but wouldn't be able to tell you who they were. I could only state that some people I got on quite well with for a time.
So, for me the word Autism brings to mind my only memories of those high on the spectrum and low functioning. I still use the word Aspie (rightly or wrongly)

 

[wight]

Maybe also I'm upset because no one cared enough to help me as a kid. They just called me stubborn and beat the crap out of me.

Aren't you one of us in the 30+ crowd where Autism/Aspberger's was not even recognized as a diagnosis when we were kids?

I know that this function thing you were at was for work and there are certain expectations. One of the things I had to learn was how to navigate the professional/work social obligations. There are no hard and fast rules. When I start feeling overwhelmed is when I start planning my exit. I typically say something like, "Excuse me, I'm suddenly not feeling well." or if it has been a long day, "It has been a long day, so I'm going to go and get some rest."

 

[WereBear]

I have said Asperger's, and people just usually roll with it, and all is basically cool, but you say Autism and people often get cold, or awkward, or ask some really stupid questions that I don't want to deal with. Some have even made some reasonably ugly remarks and it sucks.

tell people you have a medical condition and you have to rest! its the truth !!!!

Yep. Brilliant!

 

[Chance]

Aren't you one of us in the 30+ crowd where Autism/Aspberger's was not even recognized as a diagnosis when we were kids?

I know that this function thing you were at was for work and there are certain expectations. One of the things I had to learn was how to navigate the professional/work social obligations. There are no hard and fast rules. When I start feeling overwhelmed is when I start planning my exit. I typically say something like, "Excuse me, I'm suddenly not feeling well." or if it has been a long day, "It has been a long day, so I'm going to go and get some rest."

Yes, I was never diagnosed as a kid and never even heard of this stuff until later. People made it very obvious to me that something was "wrong" with me. I am from a very small town so there wasn't other kids like me, it was just me who was this misfit son of the star high school football team. They (family and others) were brutal and maybe that has a lot to do with why this just sneaks up on me. I try very hard to keep my past in my past, but it has a way of sneaking around in my present sometimes.

I'm mostly real good with it... This whole thing is basically me being mad at me. I shouldn't expect people to understand, nor do I demand they even care. I just don't get how unthinkably mean some people can be, and the stuff that can come out of their mouths. I am sometimes blunt also because I basically hate talking to people but I try so, so hard to never be hurtful.

But if I hadn't got myself in that position none of it would have happened. I was in a strange place, shared rental car, I didn't have the keys... My exit plan failed about 3 times that night... My buddy was enjoying himself, I didn't want to cause any type of scene. It was one of my worst days as an adult. It was one of those times where things were so far out on the edge, I felt like I couldn't handle myself. It scared me really bad. I felt like I was losing control and then I felt just exactly like what this stranger replied.

A long time ago, I became determined to not be who I was as a kid. I learned to fake it, or "put the mask on" as Susan said. I sometimes don't have the energy to keep wearing that mask. This was just one of those times.

THEN that is where I feel like a fake... I feel like I am playing a game with people who don't have to do this to make it through life. I hope that makes sense. Then I don't even want to tell them the truth about me... I just want to hide it all and I do it well, but sometimes I just get tired of the whole thing.

I sometimes just want to pack my stuff and move to the mountains, or some deserted island and live in simple peace. Its like living this battle that others don't have to deal with... Maybe Im jealous of that a little. Maybe I am mad that I have to work ten times as hard to get half the recognition, and then still have to put up with people making comments on my weird quirks that I try so hard to hide.

I made a man out of myself, everyone basically gave up on me. I have tasted success but at a cost very few would pay. I did this to prove I wasn't retarded, only to be still messed with. I just get tired of it.

People say LIFE is a game... I wish I could have that relaxed view of the world. Its like I am stuck in survival mode and constantly I have to watch my every word, every expression, my posture, what my hands are doing, making sure I'm not zoning out when people are talking to me, and then doing so anyway sometimes because I am in my head trying to be this guy who is like those around him.

I like who I am, I don't know how to be anyone else, but sometimes I feel fake and I feel like I am forced to be this false person, or lose all I gained in the process. That guy at the conference showed me what it felt like to be a loser... It hurt a lot.

I dont hate NT's but they are a very hurtful breed when they so choose. People say we are emotionless, yet I don't have it in me to ever treat anyone (even that guy) the way he treated me.

Thank all of you for letting me let it out and thank all of you for the great advice.... and Street I do try mindfulness I will keep trying, I just have this thing where I cant get my brain to shut down so its a pretty big challenge, but not impossible. again thank all of you. : )

 

[WereBear]

I tell people in very calculated ways. (Of course! I'm an Aspie!)

My boss at the time was a long-time IT person and so I told him I have Asperger's shortly after my official diagnosis. I said that this is what was making me take so much sick time but now that I know I should deal with it better. He was most sympathetic and supportive and helped rearrange my job so that now, a year later, the worst elements of it have been taken away and the current form suits me much better.

I told my husband, close friends, and a few relatives I have Asperger's. With them, I now make a point of referring to it as "autism" occasionally as a way for us to discuss if needed, which sometimes happens. They have been totally cool and awesome about it, except for a few who ghosted me.

I would love to be "out" but that will have to wait a bit. Working on self-employment moving forward, which would help a lot.

And if I am getting overwhelmed in public, I just say "I don't feel well" and withdraw. It works wonderfully. Saying I am "introverted" is also something most people are likely to get as a good reason for leaving, or not showing up, at social occasions.

 

[WereBear]

I am wondering, @Chance , if you are driving yourself too hard in this quest? Because of course I did

Just like NTs, we have things we are good at and things we are not. Some dealing with the public is also necessary in my job, but I pushed for less of that and more of what I was good at, and have arrived at a better place for both myself, and my company.

That's just sense, and I love sense.

 

[Chance]

Thanks WereBear... its all good thinking and that is what I try and do mostly. It just blows up on me sometimes, maybe I try too hard to hide everything and it catches up to me? I'm in an industry where arrogance and egos are very prevalent. I am a guy in a mostly guy dominated industry that happens to be a major sport all over the world.

You said you would like to be "out" with this... It hit me funny. I think it would be easier and more accepting to come out as gay, then what I have to deal with in my current position. Some know about my ASD and are very trustworthy and even protect me (and I don't want them too).

Its like I spend 24/7 looking for this balance in LIFE. this unspoken place where I can be me and others can be themselves and its not offensive to anyone. I think there is no such place, but I want there to be one.

I don't want people to pity me in any way, that actually makes me angry, but I don't get cutting people to the heart with words that could just not be spoken. Our tongues are the most dangerous weapons on planet earth. Maybe that is why I just don't like talking much. : ) thanks for the kind words

 

[wight]

Yes, I was never diagnosed as a kid and never even heard of this stuff until later. People made it very obvious to me that something was "wrong" with me. I am from a very small town so there wasn't other kids like me, it was just me who was this misfit son of the star high school football team. They (family and others) were brutal and maybe that has a lot to do with why this just sneaks up on me. I try very hard to keep my past in my past, but it has a way of sneaking around in my present sometimes.

I'm mostly real good with it... This whole thing is basically me being mad at me. I shouldn't expect people to understand, nor do I demand they even care. I just don't get how unthinkably mean some people can be, and the stuff that can come out of their mouths. I am sometimes blunt also because I basically hate talking to people but I try so, so hard to never be hurtful.

But if I hadn't got myself in that position none of it would have happened. I was in a strange place, shared rental car, I didn't have the keys... My exit plan failed about 3 times that night... My buddy was enjoying himself, I didn't want to cause any type of scene. It was one of my worst days as an adult. It was one of those times where things were so far out on the edge, I felt like I couldn't handle myself. It scared me really bad. I felt like I was losing control and then I felt just exactly like what this stranger replied.

A long time ago, I became determined to not be who I was as a kid. I learned to fake it, or "put the mask on" as Susan said. I sometimes don't have the energy to keep wearing that mask. This was just one of those times.

THEN that is where I feel like a fake... I feel like I am playing a game with people who don't have to do this to make it through life. I hope that makes sense. Then I don't even want to tell them the truth about me... I just want to hide it all and I do it well, but sometimes I just get tired of the whole thing.

I sometimes just want to pack my stuff and move to the mountains, or some deserted island and live in simple peace. Its like living this battle that others don't have to deal with... Maybe Im jealous of that a little. Maybe I am mad that I have to work ten times as hard to get half the recognition, and then still have to put up with people making comments on my weird quirks that I try so hard to hide.

I made a man out of myself, everyone basically gave up on me. I have tasted success but at a cost very few would pay. I did this to prove I wasn't retarded, only to be still messed with. I just get tired of it.

People say LIFE is a game... I wish I could have that relaxed view of the world. Its like I am stuck in survival mode and constantly I have to watch my every word, every expression, my posture, what my hands are doing, making sure I'm not zoning out when people are talking to me, and then doing so anyway sometimes because I am in my head trying to be this guy who is like those around him.

I like who I am, I don't know how to be anyone else, but sometimes I feel fake and I feel like I am forced to be this false person, or lose all I gained in the process. That guy at the conference showed me what it felt like to be a loser... It hurt a lot.

I dont hate NT's but they are a very hurtful breed when they so choose. People say we are emotionless, yet I don't have it in me to ever treat anyone (even that guy) the way he treated me.

Thank all of you for letting me let it out and thank all of you for the great advice.... and Street I do try mindfulness I will keep trying, I just have this thing where I cant get my brain to shut down so its a pretty big challenge, but not impossible. again thank all of you. : )

I totally get all of this. Feeling fake, feeling like I'm working harder than anyone else, wanted to pack up and just get away from it all, etc.

Some people are just plain nasty and mean. They are that way to everyone. Other people are thoughtless or selfish or insensitive and don't think before they speak and don't even realize they are being cruel and hurtful. Other people are just plain stupid and don't know any better and wouldn't understand it even if you explained it to them. There is nothing to be done about these people. Hurtful comments stay with me, too often than I would like.

So yeah, I get it.

 

[Chance]

I am wondering, @Chance , if you are driving yourself too hard in this quest? Because of course I did

Just like NTs, we have things we are good at and things we are not. Some dealing with the public is also necessary in my job, but I pushed for less of that and more of what I was good at, and have arrived at a better place for both myself, and my company.

That's just sense, and I love sense.

You just said what I am fearing the most. I am worried I am in a place where I cant do this and its upsetting because I worked so freaking hard to get here. I don't want to have to give up all this struggle because I cant keep my melon in line. Yes, it scares me. I'm not ready to be defeated by this. I'm not ready to become a loser again and it hurts more than I can say.

Never to brag, but I expanded this company by nearly twice in less than 7 years. I did good. I finally did something good, but the toll I pay everyday is massive. I don't know what else to do really. This is what I focus on and what keeps me feeling at least partially whole. I think my worst fear is I gave about all I had and I fear the expectations are going to increase when I simply cant.

There is a lot of stuff going on in my head, and one of them is where, and when, do I find a graceful exit and what then? I am looking down the road. I know I cant keep going like this, but I want it to become the one thing I can look back on and say I DID THAT! I have to have one thing in my life that gives me some form of dignity for being here. Its the only goal I have.