Someone told me not to stim because they find it rude?

[LunaViolet]

So when I talk to people I spin on chairs and open drawers and stuff, or walk around the room or do anything. This may not be stimming I am not entirely sure, but i can't help it and it makes me feel happier and calmer. But someone told me that it is rude when i am spinning when someone is talking to me and its "socially unacceptable" and i should "learn boundaries" I don't know how to deal with this. I try to tell them that I can't help it and they won't listen. What would you do if you were in my position?

 

[Progster]

That would depend on how open about your AS you want to be. If you are open about your AS and someone complains about your stimming, I would say something like; "It's not my intention to be rude. I have Asperger's syndrome. This means that I often get anxious when talking to people. Spinning on my chair helps me to concentrate and not to feel anxious. I need to do it. Please be patient."

If you are not open about your AS, I would say "It's not my intention to be rude. I often get anxious when talking to people, and spinning on my chair helps me to concentrate and not to feel anxious. I need to do it. Please be patient."

Alternatively, you could try another, more discreet stim such as having a fidget toy of some kind, or your keys, or rubbing your hands, things that might not catch other people's attention so much, because the truth is that stimming can be distracting and annoying for others - either other people need to be more patient, or you need to stim more discreetly. I can see the need for more discreet stims in public, but there's really no reason why you shouldn't be able to stim as you wish in your own home, or around close family and friends.

 

[Suzanne]

I think that they could have chosen and more subtle way of telling you it is not acceptable, because, well in all honestly, spinning WHILST someone is talking, is rather rude, even if it calms you!

The thing is that not everyone has heard of aspergers, so to keep the peace, why not try a more subtle form of stimming? I tend to shake my leg or legs up and down in public, but actually, I have seen even nt's do this, so perhaps it is not a true "aspie" trait?

I am too self conscious to actually be myself in the public eye, which is usually wringing my hands when I am happy or rocking from side to side, mainly when I have read something that really I find wonderful or if I am listening to music that I love!

Being an aspie, is not an excuse to behave unacceptable!

 

[LunaViolet]

I think that they could have chosen and more subtle way of telling you it is not acceptable, because, well in all honestly, spinning WHILST someone is talking, is rather rude, even if it calms you!

The thing is that not everyone has heard of aspergers, so to keep the peace, why not try a more subtle form of stimming? I tend to shake my leg or legs up and down in public, but actually, I have seen even nt's do this, so perhaps it is not a true "aspie" trait?

I am too self conscious to actually be myself in the public eye, which is usually wringing my hands when I am happy or rocking from side to side, mainly when I have read something that really I find wonderful or if I am listening to music that I love!

Being an aspie, is not an excuse to behave unacceptable!

Okay. That is fair enough. Thank you that is helpful, I did not look at it from that point of view before.

 

[Ylva]

Opening other people's drawers is rude, but I'd tell them that if they find stimming so rude they should stop tapping their feet and drumming their finger like right now or they'll be a hypocrite. Alternatively they should stop talking to me because they seem obsessed with smashing my sense of comfort into the ground whilst doing so.

As you might have guessed, I'm not the most diplomatic person you'll ever meet. On the other hand, it saves a lot of time and effort in getting along with people off-line.

 

[Slithytoves]

I think Progster really nailed it. It depends on how open you want to be about your AS, keeping in mind that disclosure asks for explanation. Suzanne has a point that most people don't know what "I have Asperger's" means. I'll add that if they find your behavior rude, they may then equate Asperger's with rudeness and lack of what NTs consider appropriate self-control.

It also depends on the setting and people involved. I hope this was at least a situation like school or work where the person addressing you was some sort of authority figure. If it was a friend or family member, they were being pretty rude themselves.

Finding a satisfying mini-stim for outside the home is a good idea, just to save yourself grief. I love drinking-straw wrappers, napkins, pens with tops (not clickers), worry stones, keychains (though they can be noisy) or other personal accessories of some kind. I have a small netsuke goat figure that I often carry in my pocket and take out to turn in my hand. Leg-bouncing can be comforting if my leg isn't visible to be a distraction to others.

It takes a while to adapt to a new stim when your old ones work well for you, but it may be worth the effort to make a transition.

 

[Tom]

So when I talk to people I spin on chairs and open drawers and stuff, or walk around the room or do anything. This may not be stimming I am not entirely sure, but i can't help it and it makes me feel happier and calmer. But someone told me that it is rude when i am spinning when someone is talking to me and its "socially unacceptable" and i should "learn boundaries" I don't know how to deal with this. I try to tell them that I can't help it and they won't listen. What would you do if you were in my position?

I would guess the main problem is that such visable behavior is distracting to them, though I can see in certain situations a person might also interpret it as rude if they think you expressing a body language 'I'm busy, please go now'.

A few close friends might come to accept it, but in general I believe you will need to learn to be still when in conversation with someone, and adopt some less noticable, less distracting stims. Things like swinging a leg, or do something with your hands. I sometimes will put my hands behind my head, or fold my arms. You can make it look like you are giving them all your attention but you are also flexing, or squeezing yourself, etc.

 

[Aspieistj]

I have AS and am greatly annoyed by obvious stims even though I understand what is going on. It is just too distracting to me and if I have to take an exam and someone near me is clicking a pen of whacking gum, I see RED! I believe we all want to be accepted as Aspies but really obvious stims do nothing to win over the tolerance or acceptance of NTs. I definitely stim a lot when alone because I constantly play with my hair. However, I KNOW it does me no good when in public to do so.

 

[StephF]

I would tell them to go f*** themselves.

 

[Ylva]

I have AS and am greatly annoyed by obvious stims even though I understand what is going on. It is just too distracting to me and if I have to take an exam and someone near me is clicking a pen of whacking gum, I see RED! I believe we all want to be accepted as Aspies but really obvious stims do nothing to win over the tolerance or acceptance of NTs. I definitely stim a lot when alone because I constantly play with my hair. However, I KNOW it does me no good when in public to do so.

Amythest Schaber, who makes YouTube videos, says we should stim in public so people get used to it.

 

[Nitro]

Being aspie is a condition,not an excuse and trying to explain it may only make the outcome worse in the end.

In the business world,communication is essential and others want to see you as if they have your full attention and not distracted by something else. A reasonable solution would be to attempt to find a hidden stim,such as tapping a toe inside your shoe or squeezing a part of your body as others have mentioned.

People in general can be pretty annoying,spectrum or not,so it shouldn't turn into an us against them event either because like it or not,we all have to share the same planet

If someone tells me to go F*** myself,they had damned well better be prepared to meet Mr. Mayhem whose actions speak louder than words

 

[AsheSkyler]

Well, whose room and whose office are you spinning around in and going through drawers? If it's your own space, they can leave. If it's their space, you need to settle down and perhaps invest in some fidget jewelry.

I am very stubborn about having my head in my safe places, but I keep things battened down when I'm around others in hopes they'd return the thought and not be an absolute pest when visiting me.

 

[zurb]

I sometimes will put my hands behind my head, or fold my arms. You can make it look like you are giving them all your attention but you are also flexing, or squeezing yourself, etc.

Be careful about crossing arms (or legs) as NTs often see this as trying to create a defensive barrier due to arrogance or defiance. It can be interpreted as 'I'm not listening' and/or 'I disagree'.
Fidget toys also need to be discreet. If it seems your attention is on what you are fiddling with, they will think you are not listening. If you fiddle with keys, they may think you want to leave.

 

[ancusmitis]

So when I talk to people I spin on chairs and open drawers and stuff, or walk around the room or do anything. This may not be stimming I am not entirely sure, but i can't help it and it makes me feel happier and calmer. But someone told me that it is rude when i am spinning when someone is talking to me and its "socially unacceptable" and i should "learn boundaries" I don't know how to deal with this. I try to tell them that I can't help it and they won't listen. What would you do if you were in my position?

First of all, spinning in a chair or walking around is NOT transgressing a boundary. Opening drawers might be, depending on whose drawers they are, and if the person gave you consent or not, but stimming in itself is not rude, and if some people are bothered by it they'll just have to put on their big girl panties and deal with it.

Second of all, a lot of people can become very rude when enforcing their norms of conformity, and if they don't get their way, even if it's something that literally doesn't affect them at all, they can start acting as if they were the victim of something. It's important not to completely discount the idea your behavior is affecting others, but if it's something simple like spinning in your chair, then they can seriously just get over it.

 

[RidingDutchman]

First of all, spinning in a chair or walking around is NOT transgressing a boundary. Opening drawers might be, depending on whose drawers they are, and if the person gave you consent or not, but stimming in itself is not rude, and if some people are bothered by it they'll just have to put on their big girl panties and deal with it.

Second of all, a lot of people can become very rude when enforcing their norms of conformity, and if they don't get their way, even if it's something that literally doesn't affect them at all, they can start acting as if they were the victim of something. It's important not to completely discount the idea your behavior is affecting others, but if it's something simple like spinning in your chair, then they can seriously just get over it.

Some people can indeed get incredibly worked up over absolutely nothing. I tend to distractedly bounce my leg up and down a lot, just happens on it's own and can't really stop it unless I consciously work on it (but then I can't focus on what the other person is saying)
But the amount of times people tell me to quit that nervous movement or whatever to the point that they even get angry if I don't kind of baffles me I have to say.

I kinda lost the will to explain myself to people so if it's somebody I don't care about I'll just spin around and talk to somebody else, or just go home if I don't have the option. I don't really feel like I owe people who don't take me for who I am an explanation

I recently got into the habit of tensing up and releasing muscles people can't really see. So I sit on top of my hand and slightly move the fingers im sitting on, but most times i don't really "pick" what "nervous twitch" I'm having

 

[StephF]

If someone tells me to go F*** myself,they had damned well better be prepared to meet Mr. Mayhem whose actions speak louder than words

I am always willing to meet and match Mr Mayhem, trouble is other people aren't. These days I do my best not to be too aggressive but I cherish one piece of advice given to me by my father.

"Don't start a fight but if necessary always be willing to finish one"

I think in most cases it would be an NT complaining about stimming. If an aspie complained about another aspie stimming, I would view that as the highest level of hypocrisy

 

[Nitro]

I am always willing to meet and match Mr Mayhem, trouble is other people aren't. These days I do my best not to be too aggressive but I cherish one piece of advice given to me by my father.

"Don't start a fight but if necessary always be willing to finish one"

I think in most cases it would be an NT complaining about stimming. If an aspie complained about another aspie stimming, I would view that as the highest level of hypocrisy

Given that the world is comprised of about 2% that are diagnosed spectrum at this point in time,chances are it will be a NT vs aspie event and not an aspie vs aspie event.
My Father taught me to never let your mouth write a check your azz can't cash
Go f*** yourself is the first sign of aggression,the asswhoopin' is only a response to it

 

[StephF]

My Father taught me to never let your mouth write a check your azz can't cash
Go f*** yourself is the first sign of aggression,the asswhoopin' is only a response to it

Given that we both used smilies in our threads I don't either of us intended any aggression.

 

[tree]

I think the objection to a person spinning in a chair
while somebody is talking to that person is based on
the assumption that the spinner is absorbed in the
spinning activity and is not paying attention to what is
being said.

It's not the activity, per se, but the perceived meaning.

 

[Ylva]

I think in most cases it would be an NT complaining about stimming. If an aspie complained about another aspie stimming, I would view that as the highest level of hypocrisy

Reminds me of last year when I used to meet with other aspies. This one guy stared a lot, and I dealt with it through a stim where I contracted my abdominal muscles. I never saw him again.